Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Life After Divorce

Welcome to this week’s Womanly Wednesday! I met Danielle through a friend when I moved to Kansas City and have been so impressed by her joy, honesty, and sense of humor in the midst of what has been a really hard few years.  I’m so grateful to have her here on the blog today sharing about what it’s looked like for her to find a new plan after her divorce! Thanks for sharing your heart, Danielle!

It is what it is. In the last 6 years this has become my motto for life. Wait, let me back up. Here’s my story…short and sweet. High school best friends fall in love, date for four years while he is in the Marine Corps, deal with two tours in Iraq, get married, deal with PTSD, and three years after that have a son. That’s where the fairytale ends.

Almost six years ago I discovered that my husband was having an affair. I still, to this day don’t know if it was ever physical, but I do know it was an emotional one. Five years ago this month, I came home from work to find all of his things gone. Four years ago in April my divorce was final. This is when I decided I needed a new life and adopted my motto.

Being divorced at 28 was not in my life plan. My life plan included a happy husband, 3 kids, and a fabulous house. Instead, I was now a single mom with a low paying job and a 2 year old to support. I couldn’t change the divorce. I couldn’t change how he felt about me. It is what it is.  When my ex moved out he also stopped helping me pay bills. Eventually my house was foreclosed on forcing me to move my child from the only house he had ever known. He also took that time “to be by himself” meaning he only showed up to see his son when it was absolutely necessary. It is what it is.

I started saying it because I felt like I had no control over what was going on in my life. Initially, it was meant as a way for me to gloss over all the bad stuff that was going on. People would say, “I’m sorry about the divorce.” I would reply, “It is what it is.” I would hear, “It must stink to be struggling.” “Yep, but it is what it is.” I have to admit, it’s just what I said so I wouldn’t burst into tears and unload how I really felt.

The first two years after my divorce my relationship with God waned. He was kind of like an ex-boyfriend I still liked, but didn’t want to be around. I had always considered myself a “good” Christian and I couldn’t understand why HE would let something like this happen to ME. I struggled daily with trusting. People kept telling me to trust him. “He has a plan,” they would say. “He knows what he’s doing,” they said. Sometimes my reply was, “Well, yeah, but his plan sucks.” And I truly believed that for about a year.

Then it happened. One of those moments where you’re like, “Okay God, I hear you, I’m trying.” That happened to me one day at work. A coworker looked at me and said, “You know what you say all the time?” I had no clue what she was talking about. She said, “You say it is what it is all the time. Do you really believe that?” Do you believe in something that really makes it what it is?” Huh, good question. I went home that night and really thought about it. And you know what? I came to one conclusion and one conclusion only…I did believe in something to really make it what it is. It was GOD making it what it is. From then on my motto became It Is What It Is…with GOD.

I realized that even though my life wasn’t what I had planned God was still taking care of me. And I had to trust him. Let me tell you, that was hard. I had developed serious trust issues, like ew gross that’s oatmeal raisin and not chocolate chip, trust issues. I started looking at Bible verses to help, but having never been a “go to the Bible for help person,” I was coming up empty.

Insert God here. One morning my (ex) sister-in-law (I still consider her my sister, but that’s a whole other post) sent me a text and all it said was Jeremiah 29:11. “Okay”, I thought to myself. “Just one more verse that will mean nothing to me.” I briefly glanced at the verse, “For I know the plans I have for you…” Then I didn’t think about it for the rest of the day. That night when I got home I looked at the verse a little more closely. As I was reading it and thinking about it, I realized it was just what I needed. My plan was beyond screwed up, so why didn’t I just trust HIS plan? It’s not like I really had any other option at that point. Nothing else was working, and the struggle was REAL.

For a few days after that, I marinated in the verse and what it meant for my future. I had been contemplating going back to school, but didn’t know if that was wise when I already worked two jobs and had a 5 year old. I considered jobs out of state just to get away from all the memories (I’m a Disney freak and found the perfect job at Disney World), but that really wasn’t an option either. I was all sorts of confused. I knew I needed to trust in his plan, I just wished he would let me in on it. That’s when I decided to take a big leap.

I made the big decision to apply for graduate school. In the back of my head I was thinking I was crazy, but I also felt like this was THE plan. When I got accepted and approved for loans, it just solidified in my head that this was what I supposed to do. So here I am, halfway through grad school with two jobs and a 7 year old. But this is where I’m supposed to be. It’s my new plan. My ex-husband has since remarried (to the woman he had the affair with), and I’m just hanging out over here single (if you can fix that, let’s talk…I’m serious), but I know It Is What It Is…With God.