Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Having A Miscarriage

Welcome to this week’s Womanly Wednesday! I met this week’s guest poster through Young Life when I moved to Kansas City.  Sarah and her husband Josh got married on the exact same day we did (May 25, 2013) and it’s been fun to see them move forward in their marriage and their family.  They love the Lord and bring so much joy and laughter wherever they go, and it’s an honor to have Sarah sharing her story here today. This month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and this post is the perfect reminder that if you’ve experienced this kind of loss, you are not alone.  Thanks for sharing your story, Sarah. 

I sat in church and felt very moved listening to the message about mothers on Mother’s Day. As our congregation prayed for every type of Mama imaginable, I felt a huge wave of Holy Spiritness saying “TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST!! YOU ARE WHO WE ARE PRAYING FOR!!” We got in the car and I had explained to my husband, Josh, very casually, how I felt. We had just started to have conversations about being ready to be parents and to try. I went with my gut feeling and made Josh go buy a pregnancy test.

Photo Source: Little D Studios

I felt so odd taking a pregnancy test. I laughed my way to the bathroom thinking I must be insane. Sure enough, 4 minutes later, I had a little plus sign! Two more tests later, and it sunk in. We were going to be parents!!! The rest of the afternoon was spent to dream and pray about our baby growing inside. We couldn’t wait to tell everyone! A few cute outfits later, and we were ready to surprise people with our news in fun ways.

My first appointment was June 6^th. I went in and got to experience all of the fun poking and prodding . We did a cervical check and they used a vaginal camera so I could actually SEE the baby. I had NO idea you could ever see the baby this early or through this method. I was fascinated. I could see my little baby and all the movements. All I felt was pure joy. So at 7 weeks, I was happy, the baby was healthy, and I couldn’t be more excited.

That evening, my body started to feel odd. I went to the bathroom and noticed a small amount of blood. Of course I panicked. What do I do? Is this normal? I googled and read everything I could find. After some convincing, I called the doctor. I was told a little bleeding is sometimes normal after they check the cervix. I felt a little more at ease. She also said if I get sharp pains or anything else unusual, such as bleeding constantly, then I need to go to the emergency room. I spent the next 24 hours taking it easy. I was still bleeding, but not severely, and I had pain, but, not sharp. I knew it wasn’t normal. I called again. This time I made an appointment for Monday. It had gotten better, but I still wasn’t convinced. I had a horrible feeling that I tucked deep away, praying and hoping I was wrong.

Photo Source: Little D Studios

It was finally Monday morning, I was excited that it was my 25^th birthday, but dreading this appointment. I kept thinking everything was fine. My husband was at football and was going to be meeting me at the office. I pulled into the doctor and he called and he said he was on his way, but, wouldn’t make the appointment since he got out late. I thought to myself, ok well this means it will be good news because I am facing this alone. I will see my baby on that screen and all will be well. I told my symptoms to the nurses and doctor, and they glanced at each other with a concerned look like I wasn’t even in the room. I knew. The doctor went in, and finally broke the silence. She said “Well everything looks pretty normal, lets take a look in the uterus.” I felt a huge relief. Everything looks normal. In just a few seconds I can see my baby on the screen.

Well, we looked and my hopes got up for nothing. She just told me, “I’m sorry, Sarah, we don’t see a heartbeat or a baby.”

I thought I was going to punch her or vomit.

All I wanted to do was get out. I was told I was “required” to take a black folder with me for emotional help. “I don’t need it” was all I could mutter. I knew I was being rude and abrasive, but I was only using my anger as a defense mechanism.

I finally left after some choice words and the stupid black folder. I felt embarrassed, shamed, and wondered why the hell did it have to be a black folder? It felt so morbid, mean even. I felt like all eyes were on me as I walked clumsy with my head down all the way to the car. Josh was waiting for me and he knew. I cried the whole way home. I sat on the couch and cried. Josh just held me. How was I going to face everyone we told? I didn’t want to talk to ANYONE. My heart hurt in a way I had never experienced.

For the next weeks I cried on and off and didn’t want to see or hear from people. I didn’t want pity, yet I didn’t want people to say “they understood.” I was selfish as if I was the only person who had experienced this. I blamed myself, I blamed God, and I blamed the doctor. I asked a lot of “why’s” and “why me?” I felt a lot of anger and sadness. After a lot of praying, screaming, crying, clinging on to Josh for what seemed like days, one drunken night, and lots of Saint Bernard snuggles, I finally felt stable.

I can’t and won’t say “normal” because I will never be the same as I was before. We didn’t know the gender, the hair, the eyes, or get to experience the giggles and cuddles, but that baby shared by heart and knew me and I felt like I knew them back. That baby was loved, and prayed for for so long.

By the grace of God, I became pregnant again. This time I was terrified to even take a pregnancy test and go to the doctor. When I finally went, I was 13 weeks! We told people slowly, quietly, and on our own watch. There were times I felt really sad and guilty I was able to be pregnant when there are so many women who lose multiple babies or can never be pregnant. I also felt guilty feeling happy about having another baby like I would forget about my first one. I had to learn to overcome those feelings that would creep into my mind.

Now we are parents to a beautiful, loving, adventure-seeking, always-eating, huge baby boy! Roman Carter was born in March and is almost 8 months old. Every day I thank God that I have such a smart, healthy baby.

After this experience I have realized that I am not alone. One in four women experience a miscarriage. It is something that most women and families sometimes may never bring up. It is still hard for me to talk about it, but it was important for me to share my story to let others know you are not alone, and you are supported. Take your time to grieve and find ways to talk with people who you feel close to and comfortable talking it over with.

I think of my other baby every day. There are tough moments and that fear of having to lose another. I know that God has a plan for my little family, and I have comfort knowing my baby never felt pain or heartache, and he or she is being held in the arms of Jesus until it is my turn to go home. I know that is going to be the first face I see. As far as Josh and I are concerned, we have two children: one that is here with us and one that is waiting for us.

Photo Source: Little D Studios

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