Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post on Finding Hope In Illness

Welcome to this week’s Womanly Wednesday!  This week’s post is by the lovely Liz Sievert (formerly Liz Powell).  I met Liz through a church small group last year and was immediately struck by how friendly, caring, and pretty much hilarious she is.  She has a steady wisdom to her, the kind of wisdom that comes when someone has wrestled deeply with the Lord about who she is and come to the hard-won conclusion that she is fully known and deeply loved no matter what. It has been a joy to get to know Liz these last few years and it is an honor to have her sharing her words on the blog today!  Also, be sure to check out Liz’s blog for more beautiful stories about her everyday adventures in life, faith, and marriage.

“Wholeness is brokenness owned and thereby healed.”  -Brennan Manning

Last week, I sat nervously in the doctor’s office. It’s always cold in there and I couldn’t seem to stop fidgeting with the gown they make you wear (remember: the opening is always in the back). The paper on my seat crinkled noisily as I tried to get comfortable. I stared around the room at the 90’s color scheme, with generic watercolor paintings of nature scenes, the doctor’s framed medical certificates, and the health pamphlets on the shelf in front of me. I tried not to be antsy, but I sometimes wonder if they wait awhile to enter just to build your anticipation for the 5 minute appointment. As I sat, I heard papers shuffling outside the door, a low voice spoke with the nurses, the word “she” was dropped among random medical terms. Are they talking about me? Then, the standard knock on the door and grand doctor entrance. These scenes I remember vividly.

Twelve years ago, I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome), a hormone disorder. I was given a pill and that was it. I had no idea how powerful hormones are to the body, nor the road it would take me on. During my first year of college, I developed new symptoms. There were visits to the ER, nights in the hospital, tests, and strict diets. I was treated with a variety of medications, gall bladder surgery, and a sloppy Crohn’s disease misdiagnosis. There were bad doctors and a few good ones–strong years and some rough ones. There were a lot of questions and not enough answers, but I did learn this: diet and exercise are vital to my sanity, along with some prescriptions and supplements I take religiously to manage my symptoms. I’m grateful for my trusting doctors, a supportive community, and a God who pursues me even when I’m a mess.

How do my symptoms actually flesh out in my life? Anxiety, depression, a strictly gluten-free Paleo diet (I just want donuts), extreme fatigue, IBS, and embarrassing things like acne, facial hair, and weight gain (I’m like, “Come on!”). With chronic illness, there is no cure. So, I live in the tension of a broken body.

If you want to know how having PCOS affects me emotionally, ask me while I’m plucking hairs out of my chin or taking a pill every morning just so my body will work right, or when we have the conversation about the possibility of not being able to have kids. It’s a deep, emotional wound; one that I still have a hard time accepting. Feeling my brokenness tangibly makes it hard to ignore. I can’t control it or fix it, and that drives me nuts. I’ve been angry at God and angry at my body. There’s no doubt that it directly impacts my marriage. Some nights we plan on going out, but I am exhausted and have to stay in bed. Other days I’m not myself or have to call Matt to calm me down during a panic attack. Matt will tell you–it’s hard for both of us. We grow weary battling it. But just when I feel unlovable and hopeless, Matt pursues my heart and speaks hope into my situation. He walks beside me, keeping my eyes looking up and heart full of hope.

After that day in the doctor’s office, I walked back to my car and tears fell out effortlessly: a diagnosis. The doctor finally determined hypothyroidism may be the source of my issues, or at least some of it.  A part of me was relieved; when you’re sick even bad news is good news because it’s moving forward. And now he can treat it. However, another part of me was still heavy. When will this all be over?

It doesn’t take someone with health issues to look around the world and know that it’s not the way it’s supposed to be. Suffering, brokenness, and injustice have invaded all of our lives in some way or another. We are broken people in a broken world. Our longing for wholeness is pointing to something greater: our need for God to rescue us, heal us, and make us new. Although brokenness and suffering are a part of my story here, I fix my eyes on heaven not looking for an escape but hoping in Jesus. I have to remind myself that one day I won’t be sick anymore. I won’t have to take medication or pluck my awful chin hairs. Everything will be made right again. Until then, I have to believe that Jesus is enough for me. He sustains and comforts me in my brokenness, right now. God is here in the middle of it; God is in the midst of my brokenness.

My story is hard to tell because I’m still in the messy and confusing parts. Yet, these are the stories we should be telling. We don’t need to wait until the victory march at the end of the story to tell it, nor do we need to pretty up our current story so it will look good for people. Our current stories of struggles and suffering are gifts to each other; words of hope and encouragement, which leave us feeling less alone, less crazy. They urge us to cling to the true and sustaining hope of Jesus–who uses all things, even broken bodies and broken hearts, to draw us near and show us Himself.

Thanks again for stopping by for this week’s Womanly Wednesday! To read more by Liz, check out her awesome blog! If you would be interested in writing a Womanly Wednesday guest post of your own, please send me an email with your information and a summary of what you might like to share.  It would be an honor to have your voice and your story on the blog!