Sobremesa Stories

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What To Do After An Argument With Your Spouse

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Before Jordan and I got married, we did pre-marital counseling with a couple from our church.  They were wonderful – high school sweethearts from Louisiana who’d been married many years (and who had raised a few kiddos, one of whom was a close friend of Jordan’s).  They made us laugh, they listened and asked us good questions, and they gave us lots of good advice and stories about what to expect and do in our first years of marriage.

Although lots of things they said stuck with us, one of the most important things we learned from them was about what to do after an argument with your spouse.  They said they’d done this for many years, and it helped them to keep fighting for their marriage through all the ups and downs.  What was the one piece of advice they gave us?

After every argument or conflict of any kind, we had to find a way to PLAY together.

What To Do After An Argument With Your Spouse

It’s so easy to get caught up in the daily ups and downs of marriage: the wrongly-squeezed toothpaste tubes, the dishes left undone, the conversations never initiated or gone horribly wrong, or all the other ways we can hurt, challenge, and transform each other as husband and wife.

When the arguments build and hurt and resentment about things big or small starts to grow, it’s easy to grow discouraged and forget the things that drew us to each other in the first place.  Last year Jordan and I had a hard season where it felt like every other day we had a hard conversation or awkward interaction of some sort, and it was absolutely exhausting. We felt like we’d never be able to break the cycle of conflict in our marriage and for a while there, lost some of the joy we’d had in the beginning.

What To Do After An Argument Bridge

When we finish a hard conversation or walk away from an argument and feel frustrated, we often need to be reminded that our marriage is about more than whatever just unfolded in the living room or kitchen or car ride.  Our marriages are more than the sum total of our good days and our bad days, of our sweet, joyful moments and our all-out arguments.

Sometimes when the conflicts seem overwhelming, we need to step back and remind ourselves about the reasons life with our partner is so much sweeter than life could ever be without them.  We need to remember the silly faces they make at us, how competitive they get when we play any game, or how their laugh is always the loudest one in the movie theater.

What To Do After An Argument Field

So when Jordan and I have had an argument of some sort and need to remember that the good part of our marriage is about 96% and the hard part is only about 4%, we PLAY.

We might walk to a nearby tennis court and play tennis or pull out the cards and play the game that has been passed down through Jordan’s family for years.  We might head to Liberty Memorial to take in a pretty view of Kansas City (and remember when we got engaged there a few years earlier).  We might head to McCormick & Schmick’s for a delicious dessert (Chocolate bag, anyone?) or just to Chili’s for $3 margaritas.  We might just take our puppy on a walk around the neighborhood and laugh at how she tries to chase any moving creature that walks by.

After we argue or have conversations, we find a way to PLAY, to celebrate that our marriage is something great and is becoming something even greater as we fight for it.  We remember that with each argument, we are building something beautiful and glorious, something that will transform us and point other people to Jesus. And with each argument, we grow closer to each other and to the One whose plan for our hearts and our marriage is better than we could ever dream.

What To Do After An Argument With Your Spouse Quote

If you are in the middle of a season where it feels like all you can do is argue, I encourage you to try this.  Work through an argument and process and pray all you need to, but at some point call a “pause” and do something to celebrate that your marriage and the love and commitment between you are something great.

Play a game together, watch a silly movie, go eat a yummy dessert or appetizer, look at old photos, or do anything that reminds you of all the good in your lives and in your marriage.  There will always be more time to talk through that issue or express those feelings, but the days will pass by in a blur of frustration if we never take the time to play.

So go grab your hubby and find a way to play, to remind yourselves that even though marriage is hard,  it is worth the fight and there is always something to celebrate.  I promise you won’t regret it!

What do you and your spouse do to play or celebrate when things get hard?

Doing this ONE thing after an argument has changed our marriage. Have you ever done this with your spouse? Great marriage advice from Sobremesa Stories!

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Comments

  1. Such a great post! Whenever my husband and I get in a fight, we really take the time and remember why we got married, which is because we love each other and we support each other. Sometimes we need time apart, other times we sit down and really try to talk it out. Of course, we NEVER go to bed angry, or leave the house in the car angry. One of the best things we do is just lay down and talk about what we want in our marriage, and it usually helps us resolve the fight.

    liz @ sundays with sophie

    • That’s so smart! It’s definitely good to think back to all the things you do love about each other that drew you together in the first place.

  2. I absolutely LOVE this. We definitely have days where it feels like all we can do is argue or point out the negative. Remembering to refocus on the happy times or things you love about each other makes it so much harder to stay mad. Thank you for sharing this awesome tip!

    Olivia
    Simplyliv.blogspot.com

    • Aren’t those days the worst? I’m learning that even the best marriages have them (or at least that’s what I’m hoping for!). Thanks for stopping by, Olivia!

  3. This is wonderful advice, and so beautifully worded. I find that after we have a disagreement or argument, just finding something to laugh about together really helps. Of course play can be a huge part of that!

  4. I love this post! I am getting married next summer and will definitely be implementing the “play” after a fight. We already kind of do that, we are long distance so if we argue on Skype, we usually watch an episode of How I Met Your Mother afterwards because it makes us laugh. You and your husband are adorable! I love your pictures 🙂 Thank you for sharing!

    • That’s so exciting! Your comment made me laugh because my hubby and I were long distance for two years and LOVED watching HIMYM. One of my favorites! Thanks for stopping by! Can’t wait to check out your blog!

  5. Hi Lauren ~

    The counselor in me LOVES your counseling stories! They encourage us all that there is hope … and help … and a time and place to grab hold of someone else to walk with us when the path is just too rocky to navigate on our own.

    Thanks for taking us there!
    Linda Stoll recently posted…Consolation Wears Many FacesMy Profile

    • Thanks, Linda! I’m so glad…I’m all about counseling and think the work counselors do is incredible. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

  6. What a lovely piece of marriage advice, Lauren. Though arguments happen in marriage, we must always find time to remind ourselves of why we’re with our spouses in the first place. Why, of all the billions of people around the world, we chose to be with them. For my husband and I, it’s watching a funny movie. It gives us an excuse to laugh and eases the tension that may still linger even after the argument is long gone and settled. A little Ben and Jerry’s shared between the two of us doesn’t hurt either. Thank you for sharing such a personal and helpful story.
    Maria recently posted…A Mom’s Measure of GrowthMy Profile

    • Thanks, Maria! I totally agree with you…there are few things some good mint chip ice cream and a funny movie or show can’t help! Thanks for stopping by!

  7. I love the idea of celebrating after a hard conversation. It’s been especially hard to ‘play’ since we had baby #2 a few weeks ago, but I have to remember that it doesn’t have to be a fancy date night to celebrate marriage! We can have just as much fun in our backyard. Thanks for this post, I needed the reminder 🙂

  8. What great advice! I’ve never heard that one, but I’m passing it on to my husband as we speak. The age-old “don’t go to bed angry” is one we actually really like too. And one we recently heard from a sweet old couple we talked to at a wedding told us to never part ways angry. Meaning, don’t go to work if you’re in a fight or leave for the store. What if something were to happen and that’s how things got left off? Suddenly fights seem pretty insignificant.

    • Ooooh I love that too! It definitely creates more of a sense of trust when you know the other person won’t leave. Thanks for stopping by and sharing that!

  11. Great advice! We will have to try this because it’s so easy to be filled with resentment, especially if there’s no real resolution. Thanks for sharing! Visiting from SDG GAthering.
    April recently posted…Super Easy Frozen TreatsMy Profile

  12. Hey there fellow Peony! I just wanted to thank you for sharing this! My fiancé and I are getting married in three short months! We are going through something similar at our church with an awesome couple. I scour every piece of advice and every blog entry to learn how to be the best wife to my husband. What you have shared here is so wonderful and has really resonated in my heart. Thank you so much!
    Keturah recently posted…Tie the Knot TuesdayMy Profile

    • Aww thanks, Keturah! I appreciate the encouragement. Y’all are so wise to seek wisdom in every place you can and I know your marriage will be better for it. Thanks for stopping by! 🙂

  14. What a great idea! After an argument, it’s easy to feel vulnerable and still have that awkwardness for awhile, but if you can put your minds toward something fun together…that’s great! Thank you for sharing how this works in your marriage. We always try to do something together after an argument, because it can just feel so heavy…we’ll have to make a point of it being FUN!
    Alex Guglielmo recently posted…Create a budget togetherMy Profile

    • I agree…it’s definitely a way to move past that weirdness after a hard conversation. Thanks for stopping by! 🙂

  16. I have a logistical question for you. How do you do the overlay for your title picture? I use PicMonkey and have a paid account, but it seems like the banners they have are all so small and only grow in both directions. If I want something across the top or down the side, I can’t get that. Thanks for your help.
    Sharon recently posted…Start a Spiritual ConversationMy Profile

    • Hi Sharon, I do use Picmonkey, although just the free version. I’ve had the same issue, so I often just use the rectangular overlay and change it to a light neutral color that I can fade a little bit into the background. Then I put text over that! There might be a better way to do it but that’s what I’ve found to work. 🙂 Sometimes I’ll also just do text and make a box around it using four dotted line overlays. Hope that helps!

  17. Beautiful post! God is definitely glorified when we are living out the gospel through our marriages and having fun (joy). Joy in our marriage is a beautiful picture of the gospel. I have true joy in Christ. When we are able to display this joy through our marriages it indeed is a testimony and witness to a lost and dark world, especially in an age where marriage has been redefined according to the world’s standards. The world desperately needs to see the joy a man and woman have in God’s perfect institution of marriage. 🙂
    Tia @Suits to Spit Up recently posted…I’ll Just Be a Mom – Dispelling the Myths of Coming Home #3My Profile

    • I so agree! Marriage is such a beautiful picture of God’s heart and joy, even when it’s hard. Thanks for stopping by and sharing some sweet words and encouragement, Tia!

  22. Such a great post! Not married, but in my dating relationship we’ve had a rule since the beginning that nobody can go to bed or walk away upset, and that’s really helped us to solve issues (when they occur, which is rare) quickly and remember that we’re blessed.

  23. Lauren, I just adore this post! As a newlywed I am going to put this into action – it makes so much sense!

    Thanks for joining us for Tuesday Talk! Please make sure to link back for the opportunity to be featured, we’d love to share your work!

    • Thanks, Christina! I will absolutely do that…I can’t believe I hadn’t already! Sorry about that!

      Thanks for stopping by! I’m loving all the inspiration I’m finding at Tuesday Talk!

  24. Wow, this is such a great idea! What a great way to diffuse the tension- just play and let the argument rest for a while. So great – I love it! Pinned it and I’ll share it with my readers! (I run a marriage blog 😉 ) Great post- keep em coming
    Celeste recently posted…Wanting What You’ve GotMy Profile

    • Wow, thanks Celeste! Your blog looks awesome and I’m honored to have you share my posts! Thanks and have a great day! 🙂