Sobremesa Stories

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The One Question To Ask When You Feel Insecure

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When I wrestle with shame and insecurity, it’s never just one simple negative thought that goes away on its own.  My mind starts spinning with the negative thoughts that I’m too much, too emotional, too needy, or not good enough.  The voices echo in my head until I start to feel like I’ll never measure up to my own expectations or the expectations of those around me, and the shame is overwhelming.

In college this was a huge struggle for me and I had several panic attacks in my freshman and sophomore year when the insecurities got overwhelming.  I felt trapped and hopeless to ever break free of the cycle.  How could I turn off those negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones? How could I cling to the truths I knew were true about myself when the lies that I’m too much or not good enough were so much easier to believe?

When you feel insecure, asking this one question can help you break the cycle of negative thoughts and remember the truths about yourself. Have you ever asked yourself this question?

Jon Acuff was one of my favorite bloggers back in the day, and when I came across his post entitled “Thinking You’re Naked,” I sat in my dorm room and cried.  I came back to it over and over those next few months, crying even more each time as I read it.

After seeing his daughter experience shame for the first time over something silly, he jumps into the Biblical story of Adam and Eve and the fall, or the first time that humanity experienced the consequences of sin and shame.  Acuff talks about that first heartbreaking moment when Adam and Eve have chosen pride and sin over God and God finds them hiding, trying to cover up the nakedness they are now painfully aware of.  With hurt and deep sadness in His voice, God asks, “Who told you you were naked?”

In that moment, God isn’t concerned about the fact that they’re naked and vulnerable and human.  What God sees in this moment is that the children He created are experiencing SHAME for that nakedness.  For the first time, they are seeing their own needs and imperfections through the eyes of shame and judgment, instead of through the loving eyes of the One who created them to need and depend on others.  And His heart breaks because he knows that shame like that doesn’t come from His deep heart that overflows with love and grace.

Questioning The Voices Of Insecurity

I don’t know that I could pinpoint a certain moment where I started to feel shame like Adam and Eve, where the insecurities that I wasn’t good enough or was too much started to creep in.  But I know that from that moment early on until now, those negative thoughts come to mind from time to time.  When I feel insecure, I’m learning to ask myself that question that God asked Adam and Eve, that simple but beautiful question that gets to the heart of the issue of insecurity and shame: Who told you you were naked?

Who told you that you’ll never be a good wife, that you will always wound your husband and make him feel like he’s not enough?

Who told you that you’ll never be a good enough friend, that you’re not as fun or outgoing or funny as everyone else?

Who told you that your dreams are silly, that your writing or your blog is small and insignificant and you’re wasting your time and your energy on this hobby?

Asking myself this question is essential for two reasons.  First, it helps me to understand the root of the shame.   For some of us, that shame might be the voice of a parent, friend, spouse, teacher, boss, or anyone who made us feel small.  When we feel insecure, we’re actually hearing the voice of that person whose hurtful words shaped us many years before (or even just in the weeks and days before the shame sprang up).

Identifying how other people or scenarios play a role in our insecurities can help us to understand our own triggers and make decisions either to seek reconciliation in those hurtful relationships or to walk away.  Either way, understanding how other people, both past and present, trigger our shame and insecurities can help us to proclaim those voices as lies and start to find healing.

But oftentimes, the voices of shame don’t have one source. That’s the second reason asking this question is so important.  For me, the voices of shame often come from my worst critic: myself.  I have such high expectations for myself in every area, from marriage and relationships to work and blogging.  When I fail to live up to one of those expectations, my mind spins and spins and I feel hopeless to ever be the woman, wife, mom, creative, or human being that I want to be.

When I look for the real source of those voices of shame, I’m able to identify those thoughts as lies and try to replace them with the truths that I am known, loved, and deeply valued (you can read this post on how I’m finding freedom from shame to find out more about that process of replacing the lies with truths).

Finding Freedom From Insecurity

So my friends, the next time you start to feel the cycle of insecurity and shame, I hope you’ll join me in asking that same question that God asks his beloved son and daughter in the garden when they first cover themselves in shame: Who told you you were ________?

Who told you that you’ll never be a good mom, wife, daughter, or friend?

Who told you that you’ll never do anything meaningful, that your dead end job or lack of job is it for you and your life will never amount to anything?

Who told you that you aren’t lovable enough, that you’ll never get married or have kids or have the dream life you envisioned because there’s something wrong with you?

Who told you you’re too skinny, too fat, not pretty enough?

Who told you that your dream isn’t worth pursuing and you’ll never be able to accomplish it?

Who told you that you aren’t good enough?

Who told you you were naked?

My sweet friends, the voices of shame and insecurity are WRONG.  In God and His deep, deep love for you, you are enough.  You matter, your dreams matter, your heart matters.  No matter how broken, insecure, and ashamed you feel, I’m here to state over and over again with God (and Jon Acuff):

Your shame does not define you and it never will.  

May we always question the voices of shame and cling to the truths that in Him, we are loved, valued, and enough.

Please go check out this post by Jon Acuff.  I have referred back to it over and over throughout the years and give him all the credit for opening my eyes to this beautiful idea.  

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Comments

  4. I love how clearly and beautifully you wrote about this, Lauren. It’s amazing the impact that lies can have on our sense of self, our relationships, and our faith… bringing to light what those lies are is part of the process of becoming whole. Thank you so much for sharing this! I’ll be thinking about it today.
    Daisy @ Simplicity Relished recently posted…7 Ways to Make Today MatterMy Profile

  5. This is so beautiful. I definitely deal with insecurity, and I know that so many others do as well. I wrote a post on it once before because I was struggling. I needed this today. I’ve been feeling more insecure than usual…I had a friend just take some blog photos of me and I felt so embarrassed…was thinking how I wish I was more photogenic, more pretty, etc. I wish we weren’t so hard on ourselves. Needed this today. Thanks Lauren! Will be sharing.
    Chelsea recently posted…How to Become A Self-Employed BloggerMy Profile

  6. I love that question. It all comes down to the love God has for us. He doesn’t want us to feel insecure. He wants us know how incredibly special and important we are. He wants us to know that he loves us and that his love can heal any insecurities we have.

    Thank you for all of you beautiful heart-felt posts!
    Rebekah recently posted…3 tips for buying eyeglasses onlineMy Profile

  7. Thanks – I need to hear this again and again, and I think the more we strive to grow, the more the shame can sneak in to try to derail us.

  8. Oh, my dear friend, Lauren! I feel like we are meant to be friends because your words sometimes feel like a huge hug around me and it makes me feel less alone. I have been struggling with deep insecurity lately. Your words, “Who told you that you’re not as fun or outgoing or funny as everyone else?” hit home, to the point of tears. Because I don’t know who told me that but I feel it ring true inside of me. This is such a powerful post and this is something I needed to read tonight. Thank you for letting the Lord use you as a vessel!

  12. What a great post and one I definitely needed to hear. I am horrible about negative thoughts and I struggle so much with getting out of the downward spiral once I begin. Thank you for the wonderful reminder and awesome question. I think it could really help.
    Megan Gonzalez recently posted…The Volunteer ParadoxMy Profile

  13. Sometimes it is so hard to remember the big picture and not get down on myself. I think too often we look to others for approval or verification that we are perfect as is, that we are loved and valued. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

    Thank you for the gentle reminder, which very much applies during the Christmas season. Yes, my home decorating ideas are good enough, my cooking is good enough—I am not Martha Stewart, I am ME and my insecurities aren’t going to stop me from trying new things.

  18. I love this so, so much! This is such a helpful way to expose the lies we’re believing and get to their roots. My therapist has actually been having me do a similar exercise, and it’s amazing how much it helps me to take those thoughts captive and question where they’re coming from in the first place. Thanks for sharing your story and these beautiful insights!
    Brittany Bergman recently posted…Practicing What I Preach + A Blogging Maternity LeaveMy Profile

  20. Incredible and eye-opening post, Lauren! Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts on insecurities and helping us find the root of why we think we are not good enough in our day-to-day lives. This is definitely something I struggle with, and talking about it is such a good way to overcome such thoughts. I so appreciate the encouragement, my friend!
    Gina recently posted…Encouragement for Your Next Creative AdventureMy Profile

  21. This is exactly what I needed today. It was a blessing it came across my news feed. Thank you for this insight. Beautifully written and I will remember this going forward