True confession: I have never been that good at girl friendships. From my elementary days when I was painfully shy to my middle and high school days where girl friendships left me wounded and confused, I’ve always felt like girl friendships were more complicated and sometimes just not worth the pain. When I went to college, I was wrestling with deep feelings of shame and fears that the girls I met would think I was too much or annoying in some way.
But oh my goodness was I blown away by the women I met! The girls on my floor (and some of the surrounding floors) pursued me, loved me, and rallied around my broken, scared self in so many ways. They taught me how to love and be loved, how to be silly and enjoy each other’s company while still sharing the deepest, hardest parts of our stories and our days. I loved those girls so much, and cried with my head against the car window as I drove away from Davidson and into a new life with my soon-to-be fiancé/husband.
When I got to Kansas City and jumped into wedding planning, working full-time, and going to grad school, I struggled to find new friendships. In the past year, I’ve seen friendships grow and deepen and it has been so sweet to start to share life with some beautiful women who love the Lord and love me well. Looking back, I see lots of choices I made, both big and small, that contributed to my struggles with girl friendships. So in the spirit of honesty and learning from other people’s mistakes…here are some of the mistakes I made in my first few years post college when it comes to female friendships!
Six Reasons I Struggled To Find Friends After College
1) I expected new friends to immediately fill the same roles my old friends did.
Like I said above, my friends in college were wonderful. But those relationships took many hours, lunch dates, study sessions, and late night cry-fests to form. When I started meeting women post-college, I expected that same level of connection to already be there or to form quickly, and when it didn’t, I was quick to dismiss these poor women as somehow not “worthy” of my time.
Friendships post-college require a lot more effort because schedules and careers and families make things a lot more complicated, and relationships might take longer to build and deepen than they did during the haze of freshman orientation and dorm life. I’m learning to let friendships grow naturally, giving them the time and space to deepen and mature, rather than expecting to have a new best friend after an hour in Starbucks. These kind of expectations weigh down a relationship and make it hard for intimacy to grow naturally. Whether it will be a relationship that lasts for a year or a season or one that grows as we get married, have kids, and grow older, it’s worth giving friendships time to unfold so you can find out.
2) I chose my marriage and work over pursuing new friendships.
Okay, disclaimer: it is SUPER important to pursue and love your spouse above other relationships, and I never want to undermine that fact. But in our first year of marriage and my second year in Kansas City, I was so focused on my marriage and spending time with Jordan that it was sometimes suffocating to both of us. I expected Jordan to fill all the relational needs he AND my friends once filled, and it often left him feeling overwhelmed. And as much as I love him, sharing things with him wasn’t always as helpful as eating ice cream from the carton and crying about everything with my girlfriends. Pursuing other girl friendships might have given me a relational outlet to grow and share without putting all of my needs on my husband’s shoulders.
In the same vein, I’ve talked to many friends who do the same thing with work or school. This season is THE most important time in their career (according to them), and friendships and community will just have to come later. But friends, where does that leave us when this pivotal season in our lives finds us confused, lonely, and lost? Maybe deep friendships and community are the things that actually enable us to love our spouses and work passionately in our careers, simply because they remind us who we are in the broader context of the world we live in. But if we want those deep friendships, we have to be willing to sacrifice our time or our to-do list to grow the relationships that matter.
3) I only looked for friends in my exact same life stage.
Since Jordan and I were about to get married, I desperately wanted some friends in that same life stage who I could share all the ups and downs of wedding planning and marriage with. If I met friends who were single or older with kids, I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t pursue those friendships as much because they weren’t in my same “life stage” (seriously, y’all, SO dumb). My small group this year is a beautiful mix of married couples and single guys/gals, and I have learned so much from them. My single friends teach me amazing things about trust and adventure and contentment, and my friends with kids teach me so much about well, pretty much the same things. It turns out we’re all on the same journey and can learn a lot from each other no matter what. Who knew?
4) I was too scared to pick up the phone and text someone to hang out.
All right, can we be real for a second? Picking up the phone to ask a girlfriend to hang out can be just as scary (if not more?) as asking someone on a date. There were several times in my first few years here where I had an open night and would have loved to hang out but was too scared to text someone. I didn’t want to be seen as annoying or too needy, so my shame and fear prevented me from reaching out.
I wonder how my friendships would look different if I had just told myself to suck it up and make that phone call or send that text. I have a feeling some of those early friendships would have grown a lot quicker, especially because I’ve since laughed with some of those friends about them feeling the exact same thing and not texting me! We’re all scared and a little awkward, so why don’t we just embrace it and be the one willing to send the first text?
5) I waited to share struggles with friends until I felt polished and ready.
The first few years of marriage were hard, and there were moments where I felt like my heart was going to burst from the confusion and plain old “hardness” of it all. But in those moments, I was so scared to call a friend and just break down like I would have in college. I was scared they’d think I was too much or too emotional or too crazy, so I waited to share about those hard moments until I had processed them and could present them gift wrapped with a pretty little bow on our coffee date three weeks later.
My friendships started growing deeper when I called friends in the midst of the hard moments instead of after them. Like when I texted my friend Kylie after a really hard conversation with Jordan and asked her to meet me for coffee ASAP. We met after school the next day, and her listening and encouragement made all the difference. Or when I texted my friend Aly as I cried on my closet floor after a particularly hard marriage counseling session, and her sweet words of encouragement reminded me I’m not alone. When I was brave enough to reach out to those friends in the middle of my pain instead of after I’d moved through it, those friendships deepened and grew immensely. The vulnerability was scary, but so, SO worth it.
6) I didn’t invite people into my day-to-day life activities or to just hang out.
I am ALL about coffee dates. As an introvert, my ideal social scenario involves me, one other person, and a relatively quiet environment with caffeinated beverages. I’ve gotten to know so many beautiful, real women through coffee dates, but it’s hard to sustain a relationship on just that. I’m learning that sometimes friendship grows the best when I invite people to go with me places, whether it’s shopping for that new outfit I need, to pick up some random things for my house at the thrift store, or just to get random ice cream and a movie because we’re bored. Intentional, deep coffee dates might be this introvert’s favorite way to hang, but as my husband would say, sometimes you’ve just to have a little fun for relationships to grow!
Growing friendships can be scary and hard, and it makes me sad to think of all the times I let shame and fear prevent me from reaching out to other women and sharing my heart and my struggles with them. If you’re in the season post-college where work and life feel overwhelming, I hope you’ll take the time to pursue friendships and community, even when it’s scary and vulnerable. Because when life gets hard, especially in the years when we are making huge decisions about our careers, our families, and our hearts, we need people to surround us, pour into us, and call us out of ourselves into something bigger than the craziness.
So send the text, make the tearful phone call, or pop by somebody’s house just to say hi. Do whatever it takes to grow your friendships and choose relationships over to-do lists. I promise it’s worth it!
What a good word, Lauren!
You certainly don’t look old enough to have such wisdom – but you sure do!!
Love this line, “So send the text, make the tearful phone call, or pop by somebody’s house just do say hi. Do whatever it takes to grow your friendships and choose relationships over to-do lists. I promise it’s worth it!”
Your post it true at every age of a woman – not just after college.
I pinned you here: https://www.pinterest.com/melredd/blog-link-parties-and-blog-link-ups/
Blessings,
Melanie
Melanie Redd recently posted…Help! There’s a “DIVA” in this Relationship (and it might be me)!
Thanks, Melanie! You’re so sweet. 🙂 I’m definitely learning that sometimes all it takes is a simple text to help a friendship grow. Thanks for reading!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
Such a beautiful post. I had a hard time adjusting to the fact I barely had friends when I was pregnant at 19 because not many of my friends were pregnant at that age. I literally had two best friends that stuck with me throughout the entire time. Which I’m grateful for. Its hard to have friends that can’t relate to you..
Jasmine recently posted…Why It’s Important to Wash Brushes
Jasmine – I can believe it – I had similar issues when I had a baby in my 40s. It is much harder to make friends when you aren’t thrown together with people and the people you meet aren’t that similar to you. Great post.
annabelt recently posted…Is Housework Exercise? Review of The Stepford Wives and Clairobics
That’s so hard…it was similar for me when I was married and working a full-time job while a lot of my friends were single and working more freelance jobs in big cities! I’m so glad you had some friends who stuck by you and hope you’re finding some new friends in your same life season now!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
You pretty much just described me! I have very few friends, mostly because I spend my free time doing teacher-related things or spending time with my husband or kids. It’s rare that I even want to go spend time with anyone else, but I know it’s important that I start cultivating those relationships.
Abby recently posted…easy weeknight vegetable fried rice
It really is so hard! I totally hear you on how family/teaching take up lots of time. It’s hard to find a good balance between all the things, you know?
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
Making friends as an adult is tough… like, really tough. Especially once you’re married and that relationship comes first.
I can’t remember who, but someone likened finding friends after marriage as dating and oh my gosh how true that is! We still live in the same town we went to college in, but all of our friends have slowly moved away. It’s hard to make yourself vulnerable.
I love how you set the reasons out there. I definitely need to get better about doing that.
Jaelan @ Making Mrs. M recently posted…A Girls Weekend | Snapshots
Ha YES it is so much like dating! Sending that first text feels so awkward sometimes. I’m finding that putting myself out there, both by initiating a hang out and actually sharing my heart, is really stinking hard but so so worth it!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
This is s great (and totally what my next post was going to be about as I was brainstorming on the way to school today ha)! Community is such a weird thing once we reach our age. Thanks for sharing!
Kelsie Kleinmeyer recently posted…How to Plan (and Survive) An Overseas Trip
It’s definitely tough! Can’t wait to read your post 🙂
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
Finding new girl friends is hard..you spend so much time with a certain group of girls and then you expect to find ones just like them and you can’t bc no one will know you like they do.
Ashley recently posted…August Stitch Fix: Fix #10
So true! It’s hard to not weigh down new friendships with expectations that they be just like your old ones.
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
I struggled with friendships during college and now after I’ve had a baby. It always seems like something else is more important :/
I talked to Kyle last night about how much I lean on him and how much I expect him to fulfill so many roles: best friend, husband, father, counselor, therapist, confidante, and I think at times I overload him with so much because I depend on him so heavily. I feel like many of my friendships I have are through work, but that’s it. We never see each other outside of work because of my schedule. But I am trying to work on making new friends and actually have made a few.
liz jo @ sundays with sophie
Liz Joiner recently posted…that mom
It’s so hard to find a balance, especially when our spouses are such a huge part of our lives. I hope you’re able to find some folks who can share your life stage and support you! And maybe have some fun too 🙂
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
I loved this post. I’ve also struggled with finding friends post-university. I currently live in Seoul, Korea and while I have many lovely friends here, it’s hard because I’m so far from my friends back home. Making friends as an adult is definitely hard and takes a bit of extra work, though. Thanks for being so open and sharing your thoughts.
Laura recently posted…Culture and Etiquette in South Korea: An American Perspective
Wow, I can see how living somewhere else would make it more challenging. I hope you’re able to find some friends who can share in all the adventures with you there! I’m excited to pop over to your blog and read more about your experiences there. I love traveling and always love to hear stories from fellow travelers!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
You seem to always be just one step ahead of me providing me with the exact blog post I need to read! I’ve been living on the opposite side of the country from my friends for almost three months and now I’m moving back in with my parents which is still three hours away from most of my friends. It’s really stressing me out since I won’t have people to hang out with, but this made me feel a lot better. If I just go out of my way to connect with people, hopefully things will work out.
Liz recently posted…I’m Moving Back in with my Parents – and I’m Terrified
Ha you are so sweet. 🙂 I loved your honesty in your post about moving in with your parents. Anytime I go home, it’s definitely weird to see old friends since I feel like I’ve changed so much since I was really close friends with them! I hope you can find some new friendships that will make it feel more like your “new” home versus just moving back home!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
What a great post! I’m sharing this post in our facebook group “Victorious Women” and in Pinterest Group Board “Together to Encourage”. Thanks for sharing your heart in this post!
Blessings,
Tayrina
Tayrina recently posted…5 things we can learn from the life of Saul.
Thanks, Tayrina! I appreciate that. 🙂
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
Right there with you! I struggled with making friends at my job and then feeling comfortable to ask them to hang out outside of work hours and I’ve finally broken that barrier and it’s great. It definitely is a weird learning curve.
Alanna @ Alanna & Company recently posted…Weekending IV
Work definitely has some weird boundaries. This is the first year I feel like I’m really making friends at work and I love it! It makes my work days so much more fun!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
I know how you feel. I always consider my college friends as my best friends because they are. Although I have reached out to people (girls) who I consider my friends after college I still find it challenging to open up to them without feeling like they are not really there for me. I have had friends who kids I would watch or support them with whatever business venture they were going on just for them to return the favor by not supporting me and it hurts. Unlike you, I have children and at this moment I realized that my best friends is my family, they support me, love me, and are nonjudgmental.
Jessica recently posted…Get Back to Clean with Clorox Disinfecting Wipes
I’m sure once we have kids it will be a whole new world of finding friends and still pouring into family relationships. Thanks for stopping by, Jessica!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
This is definitely one of the biggest struggles with leaving college! I moved because of getting married and while my husband had friends in the area, they were all single guys so I didn’t really have any girlfriends. It took awhile but after about a year I started getting back into my old hobby (theater) and I started making friends. It made such a difference in my life!
Becky @ Disney in your Day recently posted…What you need to know from the D23 expo
Can I just say AMEN?! It was the exact same for us. I prayed so hard all my husband’s single friends would “wife up” and while some of those prayers have been answered (and I love their awesome wives), it’s also been good to find friends with shared interests too. That’s awesome you found people you could connect with through theater!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
#4 is hard for me too! I always love when people do that for me, I don’t know why I’m always nervous to do the same!
Taylor DuVall recently posted…When You’re Divorced In Your Twenties…
Ha yes I agree!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
This is a wonderful post! I totally agree with you! I tend to be an introvert and have a hard time with keeping friendships going. I love this post because it shows us that everyone has issues and even something as “simple” as friends can be a difficult thing for some! I’m totally sharing this on FB! I’ll tag you in it too…hopefully more page views for you and encouragement for others!
Danielle recently posted…4 Reasons You Should Have a Daily To-Do List {& 3 apps to make it easy!}
Thanks, Danielle! Being an introvert makes it more challenging, that’s for sure. Thanks for all your sharing! You are so sweet and encouraging and I love that. 🙂
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
I love this!! I’ve been trying hard lately to invite people to go on walks with my baby and I and other things to cultivate new friendships and get to know people in our area better!
Amberly recently posted…5 Tips for a Successful Drive In Movie Date with a Baby
Such a great example! It can be as little as going on a walk but it still makes a difference. Even though sometimes sending that first text can be pretty scary!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
Super wisdom for me to sit with as I’ve just moved to a brand new place … and outside of my family know hardly a soul.
Us introverts find this whole new friends thing so difficult to navigate …
;-{
Makes me grateful to have an online neighborhood that hasn’t changed a bit, but only gotten better.
You’ve given me courage today, friend …
Linda Stoll recently posted…4 Quick Fixes For When You’re Feeling a Bit Tightly Wound
Ha yes, we introverts definitely have it a little harder! I hope you’re able to meet and get to know some of the women in your neighborhood and build some new friendships!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
That introduction, girl — I feel like you wrote it about me! I’ve never been great at building friendships, but in college, it seemed to come so easily. I resonated with every single one of these six reasons. Sometimes I worry that the few local/adult friendships I do have will suffer once the baby is here and just disintegrate altogether. But there are definitely plenty of things I can do to make sure that doesn’t happen. Thanks for the inspiration!
Brittany Bergman recently posted…The Filled Space: Things I Do
Ha I love that! College has magical friendship powers if you ask me. I’ve had that thought too…I’m sure friendship dynamics will change once we have kiddos. I’m curious and excited to see how God will challenge me to love and get to know other mamas in that season!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
This is a great post and I plan on sharing it! Like you, my marriage and my family became my main priority and gave myself little time to hang with friends and do the things that I liked to do. You know, the things I would’ve been doing with my friends from college! My kids will all be in school for the first time this year and I plan on putting myself back out there on the friendship market 🙂
Thanks, Yanique! Haha I love how you describe it…sometimes we’ve got to just put ourselves out there and go for it! I wish you all the best 🙂
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
I could really relate to this post. I’ve just now started to form a lot of friends, and I’ve been out of college for twelve years.
Gina recently posted…If at First You Don’t Succeed…
It definitely takes time for real, deep friendships to form!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
Great list! But it definitely takes more effort to make friendships when your older. At school and uni your surrounded by people with similar interests, not much responsibility and the same free time. Once you leave that environment it can be harder to just meet people you can be friends with. I have moved house several times since then, and it definitely takes time to meet people and make those friendships, often longer than a year.
I agree…I’ve been here three years and I feel like I’m just starting to see some deep friendships form. Being a grownup makes it that much harder!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
I love this post! I’m still in college but, I can resonate with this because I do the same thing when it comes to finding girl friends especially the first three. I really needed to read this, you’ve encouraged me to stop doing these and be open to making some friendships this semester. Thank you.
Thanks, Jazmine! I’m so glad you found some encouragement here. 🙂 Good luck with all your classes this year!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
I’m am in this spot right now and definitely needed to read this! Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us….I’m going to apply them and stop waiting for amazing friendships to just happen in front of me 😉
Thanks for your sweet words, Olivia! I hope you find some amazing women to share life with. 🙂
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
I don’t think I have a single friend that’s really in the same “life stage” with me–that’s definitely way too limited of a scope. The vast, vast majority of my friends are single and older than I am. Possibly because where I live not a lot of people even get married in their 20s. I think it’s fun being friends with people in different lifestages. For me, I think the biggest problem in making friends is pure shyness. The thought of walking up to a brand-new person I’ve never seen before and talking with them makes me feel anxious…so usually, I don’t.
Rachel G recently posted…Preschool at Home: Week 1
I hear you…it can be so intimidating to talk to someone new, or to cross that boundary of asking someone you do know to actually hang out in person! I hope you’re able to find some women where friendship comes naturally who will be fun people to share life with!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
Found your blog on The Peony Project :))
Oh I can SO relate to this! Especially number 4 & 5. I have always had a hard time growing friendships because of FEAR. I struggle with being vulnerable because I, too, don’t want to come off as “too needy” or, like you said, “too emotional”…but the TRUE friends will always be okay with your vulnerability! They will always be okay with your tearful phone calls! I have to remind myself of that constantly.
Thank you for this post! It’s beautiful!! :))
Emily @ Chirpings from a Little Sparrow recently posted…UNTITLED…
Isn’t it amazing how powerful fear can be? Shame can be a big one too. I love when friends are able to speak truth into that and love me in the midst of it! Thanks for your encouraging words!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
FYI: I’m including this on my Thursday post – Roll Out the Red Carpet Thursday! 🙂
Danielle recently posted…4 Reasons You Should Have a Daily To-Do List {& 3 apps to make it easy!}
This was like reading my mind. After college my husband and I moved back to my hometown and it has been insanely hard to connect here. It is hard and I am trying to come to the place where I pursue friends again, but it is difficult. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Rhiannon S recently posted…Philippians 4:4 Do I Have to Rejoice?
Thanks, Rhiannon! i hope you all are able to find both couple friends and some women that you can connect with as you settle into married life and life in your hometown! It’s hard but so worth it!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations
What wise advice and how fortunate you’ve discovered this so young. I’ve struggled with all these – and still do. It’s hard to start over and make new friends as a grown-up, with a career, children and all the demands of family life – yet, so crucial for our lives! Great post!
Kathryn Shirey recently posted…The Truth About Stepping Forward in Faith
Thanks, Kathryn. It’s definitely challenging but we are trying to jump in and pursue community as much as we can! Thanks for stopping by!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
Friends are so important for us as women to have. I made many of the same mistakes you shared here. It’s so different as we get older and have families to tend to. We just don’t have the same amount of time to nurture friends as we did in the college years. Over time, we can make those strong connections. It takes longer though it seems. I’m so happy you’ve found your tribe again :).
Candace recently posted…Getting Healthy Through Fasting
Being a grownup makes it a whole lot harder, that’s for sure! Thanks, Candace!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
I can relate to absolutely every little piece of this. Love and definitely agree!
Tessa recently posted…Rosemary-Mint Latte
Oh, this is so spot on.
We got married a year after graduation and my college besties were still around (and I even lived with one before I got married). A year and a half after we got married, I moved 800 miles away and started working from home. Talk about LONELY! I read your other post about going to counseling, and I too had a breakdown. I would cry for no reason whatsoever, but I had deep feelings of insecurity and depression. After my breakdown, my thoughts lifted and it’s been much better… but girl, the struggle of making friends as adults is REAL. Thank you for posting this – I have been feeling insecure about my feelings on this subject and have had all of these same thoughts you listed. You really made me feel validated in my feelings, but also have given me hope that there is something I can do. Thank you, Lauren!
Joy recently posted…Fashion + Your Value
Yes, that sounds SO much like my story! I wrestled with those same feelings of deep insecurity, shame, and depression, and actually ended up seeing a counselor last year to help me work through it all. I am so glad you connected with this! I hope that you’re able to find hope and peace in the midst of it all and find some women who can love you well and share life with you. And I’m excited to be a blogging friend! 😉
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
This I can totally relate to except I havent’ had good friends since my kids were little. When my children were smaller I had relationships with parents / moms of kids in their preschool , church classes etc. I had a falling out with some of them and now I have no new relationships. The hurt and pain from that situation has left me disallusioned about adult friendships.
Alyssa recently posted…Seasons of Life
I’m so sorry you’ve had some hard experiences with adult friendships, Alyssa, especially in what I’m sure was a crazy and exhausting season of raising kids. I’ll be thinking of you and hope you are able to find some new friends who you can trust and share life with!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
This is a great post and I can totally relate. I think the biggest thing for me is that I expected my new friends to fill the role of my friends from high school and college and I find myself missing the deepness of these friendships. Finding friends in my adult life has taken way more initiation on my part and I constantly have to remind myself to make finding time a priority.
Carly @ FitLiving blog recently posted…Watermelon Feta Salad with Mint
I’ve so been there too, and it puts so much pressure on those new friends! I’m glad you’re in the same fight to initiate and be brave to pursue new friendships!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
Lauren, you have such an honest and caring way of writing. It’s always a joy to land here and see “what’s next”. There are words of wisdom flowing from your young self. 😉 Praise God.
About being vulnerable and real, opening up to a friend when things are tough…I wholeheartedly agree! Introverts like us reel at the thought, but the most cherished friendships often come when we let others know we’re hurting. And often, God will use them, just as He did your friend, to speak life and encouragement into us and our situation. Right on! Visiting you today via #IntentionalTuesday.
Kristi Woods recently posted…When You Don’t Want What You Get
Wow, thank you for those sweet words! It is scary to open up, but I’ve definitely seen my friendships grow so much when I do it. Thanks for your encouragement, Kristi!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
Lauren, You are such a sweet treasure! Your friends are so blessed to have you! Making friends can be tough, trusting and letting the walls down enough to build long lasting deep friendships is even tougher! Great post!
Blessings and smiles,
Lori
Lori Schumaker recently posted…Where Does Rejection Leave You?
Thanks, Lori! I appreciate your sweet words!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
I love this post so much, Lauren. I, too, have struggled with making friendship as an adult. It didn’t help that my husband and I have moved 6 times in our 4 year marriage. I’m looking forward to the next chapter in our lives when we start digging some roots and pursuing friendships. Although, having littles kids brings a whole new challenge to nurturing friendships. 🙂 Thanks for sharing your heart here. Your words blessed me.
Kelsey Ferguson recently posted…The One Book You Must Read This Year
Thanks, Kelsey. Its so challenging, especially when you move around a lot! We’re in the season now where we feel more stable and are hoping to see some friendships deepen. Hopefully you all will be there soon too!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
Man, oh man, do I love you. I cherish you. I am SO thankful you are one of my very best.
Tail
taylorothomas recently posted…to ash
Ha well thanks, Tail! Grateful for you and all the things you’ve taught me about friendship. Love you!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
This post totally resonated with me! I am often scared to text or call people to just hang out. I am in the post-college pre-baby stage of my life and it seems like everyone I know has kids already and sometims I just can’t relate.
Evelina recently posted…Weekending
Ha it’s amazing how much like awkward dating it can be to make those phone calls, isn’t it? I hope you’re able to find some friends in your life stage that you can connect with and share life with!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
What a blessing to have such a great bunch of college friends. I have the best college buddies too…
Friends after college (and even keeping the college friendships) can be complicated. Thank you for sharing your encouragement and story!
Emily recently posted…How to Organize Your Bills
Thanks, Emily! College friends are pretty awesome. Here’s hoping grownup friendships can eventually grow and deepen too!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
Lauren, I appreciate your transparency in sharing how friendship has been hard for you. It’s easy to look around and think you are the only one who doesn’t have 47 soul mates who have been there since kindergarten, but that’s simply not true! I’m glad you included No. 3 on your list … as I look back over my own life, I am so grateful to have had many wonderful friendships with women who were quite a bit older or younger than me. Thanks for this insightful post! Your neighbor at Holley’s …
Thanks, Lois! I agree. It seems like so many people have all these friends they’ve had forever (like my husband and his friends) and I have to remind myself that friendships will come and deepen in seasons. Thanks for your encouragement!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
Definitely not just you who struggles with this! It’s just so weird not really having a specific place like school to pull friends from. I’ve found that getting involve with something (like youth group) is what has helped me most.
I agree! Friendships develop more naturally when they grow out of some common interest!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
Thanks for having the courage to open up and post this. It’s encouraging.
This post is so awesome, and I feel like I’m in the same boat. I moved back home after college and moved in with my boyfriend. I really don’t’ see my friends that often; my friends have become our sisters and our parents. I have been trying really hard to build new friendships because, like you, I want to find friendships where are in the same stage of life. Pinning this!! Your pictures are so adorable.
Chelsea recently posted…Why It’s So Important to Do What You Love
Thanks, Chelsea! We’ve gotten really close with my husband’s family too, which is great. I hope you guys are able to find some fun girlfriends/couple friends you can spend time with! And thanks for pinning 😉
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
I completely relate! Where did you end up meeting your post college friends? For me, it wasn’t until a co-worker and I shared issues we were facing that we broke the surface level friendship into something truly meaningful.
Lindsay recently posted…Create a Postcard in Canva
I’ve met some friends through church and some friends through my husband’s friends and connections here since he grew up in the city where we live now. That coworker boundary is hard to break but so great when you finally do! I’m three years into my job and feel like I’m just now starting to have some deeper relationships with people at work!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
I just posted about this recently as well. I so appreciate your insights. I need this reminder frequently. 🙂
Whitney Wagner recently posted…Work-in-Progress Wednesday (8/19/15)
Thanks, Whitney! I’ll have to head over and check out your post!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
It is definitely hard to go different ways after college. I use to look for friends in the same stage as life as me but that became a struggle for me too. Now some of my closest friends aren’t in the same stage but will be eventually so we embrace on that. I am also picky about my friends. I don’t want part time friends. I want true friends. Thanks for a good post!
I’m definitely learning that same thing…I can still have wonderful friendships with and learn from my friends who aren’t married or who are married with kids. I’m glad you’re finding that same thing!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
I hear this from so many people and I’ve had a hard time making friend since college as well. I think it’s part of becoming an adult, in a way. It’s cool that you looked for why it’s been a struggle; it’s probably the only way to identify how to go about making new friends. 🙂
Crystal @ Dreams, etc. recently posted…A Day in Photos // August 2015
Yes, it’s definitely been harder than I thought it would. Even just writing this post was super revealing to me about many of the ways I could challenge myself to find new friends and pour into my relationships!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
I love this post because I totally went through some similar struggles. I’m four years out of college now and finally feel like I’m settling back into my self as a friend again. Loved all the photos of you and your friends too – looks like a great group of ladies!
Thanks, Emma! It definitely takes a whole lot more time when we’re working and managing adult responsibilities. I’m glad you’re finding some new “adult” friends!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
This is such a great post. It’s definitely tough to find your people after college. Especially with people in the same life stange. It sounds like you have a great group though!
Rachel recently posted…Tasty Thursday: Caprese Pasta Salad
Thanks, Rachel! We have felt really blessed this year to have our small group and find some new friends!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
Interesting thoughts, especially how when you’re in college, you’re sort of focused on friendships…once you get into the “real world” there are so many other things that steal our time. We often drift in and out of friendships over the years, and some last and some don’t. Finding common ground is usually the basis for friendship.
I really connected with #3 on your list. As a “mature” woman (in years only!), I’m finding that I have no interest in forming friendships with young moms (with young children), yet, I’m drawn to a particular young woman at church who I think is just adorable, so am trying to get together for coffee. I think it’s a bit awkward for us both, since we both sort of feel like, “What do we have in common? What do we talk about?” But God has His hand in it, and we many never know until we sit down and start talking. It’s all about being real and honest, Sometimes, the other person is feeling the same way, and one person just needs to takes the first step to reach out. By the way, I love your bridesmaids dresses. My daughter has been in so many weddings, and each one has had hideous bridesmaids dresses. And I do mean hideous.
Mary Dolan Flaherty recently posted…Mixing Up Scripture Verses
I LOVE that you are reaching out to the younger women in your church like that! I’m currently longing to have relationships with some older women who have been where I am and can speak some wisdom and truth into my life, and I think it’s so great you are able to pour into relationships with younger women too. I’m sure they’re soaking up lots of wisdom from you!
Haha and thank you about the dresses…I actually let my bridesmaids find their own dresses as long as they stayed within a certain color scheme. I felt like that was a much better option so they could find a dress they’d actually love and wear again!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
Lauren, You continue to find your voice and produce AMAZING pieces that are such a GIFT to so many. I’m going to share this one on my Facebook this weekend. It has to keep moving forward.
I just might have to come stay at your Air BnB just so I can hug your neck one day!
Keep shinin’ ~ and spreading that joy and warmth to those high school students. If I could send my daughter your way, I would. And teen who is in your class has been smiled on by God.
Thanks, Christi! Hahaha our Airbnb is always open to you – if you’re lucky we’ll even give you our friends and family discount (aka let you stay for free!) 😉
Thanks for all your encouragement! I’m grateful for you!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
Yes, it does take intentional effort to make and build friendships. Great post, neighbor! Blessings to you!
Mari-Anna recently posted…Finding Your Worth
Thanks, Mari-Anna! 🙂
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
Lauren, girlfriend, your words are teaching me too! And I’m old enough to be your momma…
That’s good news-truth is truth and you have nailed it here. Lovely. Susan
Susan Mead recently posted…Letting Go of What Was Mine ~ Linkup
Haha you are so sweet. Thanks for those encouraging words, Susan! I’m grateful for you and all the ways you bring wisdom and community to the blogging world! 🙂
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
One of my biggest struggles after getting married (and moving) was that I just didn’t know WHERE to find friends. College created a wonderful ‘insta-community’ and I wasn’t used to seeking out new places to find friends. Joining a church was so vital to really getting to know other women- joining a church and getting involved!
Ally | A Home Called Shalom recently posted…Blessings These Weeks: 08.14.2015 and 08.21.2015
Yes, isn’t is so much harder once we’re grownups? I definitely miss that instant community in those first weeks of college when everyone is desperate to find new friends. I’m glad joining a church was helpful for y’all!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: First Week Of School DONE!
Lauren, I love this post! It can be really hard to find new friends after college. I’ll be sharing on FB tomorrow. As always, thanks for linking up at Women With Intention Wednesdays! I’m looking forward to what you’ll share this week!
Jenny @ Women With Intention recently posted…5 Things I Love & Goals For The Week
Very insightful!
I hope you’ll share your post with Idea Box:
http://milaslittlethings.com/2015/08/idea-box-thursday-link-party-25.html
xx
Mila
Mila recently posted…Idea Box-Thursday Link Party #25
I love this post! I also went through many of these struggles when getting married and finishing college. I especially love your point about picking up your phone and calling or texting someone. Initiation takes a lot of courage and can bring you out of your comfort zone, but it is so worth it.
I also just discovered your blog through Women with Intention… Love the idea behind it and I can’t wait to begin to follow you and your writing!
Thanks, Esther! I love hearing I’m not the only one who sometimes panics when I try to initiate a “friend date” with someone. 🙂 Thanks for your sweet words! Can’t wait to head over and check out your blog!
I am so glad I read your post. I have never read one like it and I have prayed over this for a few years. My best friends and I went to grade school and college together. Even one friend I had started in preschool with! But, I got married while in college and already had stepchildren. It just suddenly became two different lifestyles. Then they all moved back to our hometown anyway and I never hear from them. So its been 5 years since then and I met a girl through a grapevine of my husbands friends! I was nervous to be friends because she’s a nurse/doctor’s wife and we’re a 1 income family. But she is so awesome. I have also gotten to be friends with my stepkids mom! We try to hang out and craft and all. We see eachother alot being involved with the kids so it’s pretty neat that God worked in everyone’s hearts to make it happen. I am still not at that point of being able to “break down” with my friend, but I recently brought a problem I was having to her and it was really helpful that she could relate. Thank you for your post and honesty. Based on all the comments, it looks like God used your story to reach out! Have a great weekend!
Jeniece recently posted…Deciding What Gear and Supplies for Twins: Part 1
Wow, thanks for this thoughtful comment, Jeniece! I love knowing that I’m not the only one who wrestles with this. I’m so glad that over the years you’ve been able to find a friend through your husband! I hope you all keep growing closer and you start to feel more ready to share your heart and your struggles! Thanks for reading and leaving such a genuine, real comment!
I needed this! I struggle with this so much. Especially since we are living in my husband’s hometown. I find it hard to get out of the house with the kids so I am cooped up all day and at night I just don’t take the time for myself (with girlfriends). I have also had trouble since leaving college with girls including me in the groups they have already formed. Once a group of girls even said “we should all have a girl’s night when you get back in town.” So I get back into town and I see all over their Facebook feeds that they had a girls night (I was back in town) and no one had talked to me. I’m typically an outgoing person once I am in a group but it’s so hard to make that leap and almost force yourself into a group.
Jes @ Mommy Envy recently posted…Yellow Painted Dresser for the Kitchen
Jes, I am SO sorry you’ve been hurt by friends like that! I completely agree with you. It’s so hard to “force” your way into friend groups (and I would much rather feel like they really want me there!). I’m sure it’s even harder when you have kids you’re taking care of 24/7 and finding time away is a lot more complicated than just getting it on the calendar. I’ll be thinking of you and am glad to know someone else out there is fighting the good fight for friendships even when it’s hard! We can do this!
This is all so true and wise. Friendships can be difficult at any age, I watch my daughters struggle at times and I also have “all over the place feelings” – it really never goes away and I think finding those that accept you for who you are and realize that you do NOT have to do things the same way to be friends are the ones that will last.
I always hold Dr Dyer’s quote close to my heart – You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with.
Thanks for this
What a great post and I am taking notes. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Madelaine! I’m glad you liked it!
Oh my goodness, can we be friends?! You just said everything I was thinking–it’s so hard to overcome self-doubt when it comes to meeting new people… And I have definitely felt that way being one of the few married people in my social circles. I’m convinced now that I need to branch out!
Amanda @ Grad Girl recently posted…How to Stop Procrastinating and Get Shiz Done
I have had difficulty making friends once I graduated. There were times I got along really well with a particular female and then over time we lost touch. And, I tried from my end to text or call, but if there’s no response you really can’t help. But, I made few really great friends who still keep in touch when I live miles away from them. Maybe some people are just not meant to be in your life!
Great post!
I am actually struggling through that right now. My high school girls are the same for me as your college friends are for you and I tend to compare everyone to them. And since Taylor and I moved to Charlotte in August, I’ve found two whole friends. For someone as outgoing as I am, that doesn’t really work- especially when I never see those two friends 🙁
Kristin Cook recently posted…What I Have Learned From My Dog (Part 3)- Joyful Contentedness
This is such a wonderful post! I’ve had trouble making friends with girls too. I’ve always felt that I have nothing in common with many of them. But these are such great reminders of how we need to make an effort to make friends after college. But, I found out that I need fewer, but better friends now.
Nicole recently posted…Snow Day Fun
It’s definitely a tough transition. Finding friends was tough, since after college all of my friends moved to different places and I moved away from where I grew up. We were in my husband’s hometown so he had his friends, but I didn’t really have any of my own. I finally got back into one of my hobbies (theater) and met some amazing people through there!
This is a lovely and insightful post, sensitively written. I remember after college also looking for friends to fill the same roles as my college friends … but finding that as I had grown and changed, my friend spaces had also changed.
Trish recently posted…Throwback Thursday – Wedge Sandals
I LOVED this post so much for so many reasons – it’s so nice to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way! I’m graduating college in May and this has been one of my biggest worries. Thank you so much for sharing this!
I love this post!!! Building relationships is never easy because it takes time. When I moved away from all my friends three years ago, I feared that I would not make new friends. I was often really lonely at first after I had moved but what kept me going was being able to text,call,etc with my old friends. Of course I have made new friends after moving but having my old friends to hang out when I go home is always great.
Mistle recently posted…February Goals
I admire and love your honesty! So much changes from being in college to going out in the real world and it was good for me to read why you and others struggle. It sure is such a big transition!
I can relate SO much! It has been about 9 months since I have moved and I have not made one single new true. Honesthly, it doens’t botter me that much because I still have my old friends but also because I get to hang you with people who have been friends with my jusband for years. I consider them my friends now but I’m not at a point where I have someone I can text and hang out with. I will probably come but it’s hard to meed new potential girlfriends when your work with man (mostly)!
Emilie recently posted…Are You Ready To Buy Your First Home?
That’s exactly how I was after I graduated, Emilie! It was so much just to adjust to the new adult life that making friends felt like a huge extra challenge and burden. I hope you’re able to find some new friends you can grow to know and love well soon!
I’m going to be graduating in May and I can already see some of this happening with me since I’m already married and I’m far from good at friendships… Thanks for sharing!
Of course, Amanda! I hope you and your hubby are able to find some sweet time for yourselves and for new friends!
Thank you for these wise words! This is the exact season of life I have been going through the past couple years. Friendships are growing, but it has been SUCH a hard transition. I’ve been so surprised when I’ve opened up about this particular struggle with my new friends, to find they have experienced the same concerns, fears, and hardships as I have. The same ones you shared here! Thanks for being vocal about something I feel so many care such shame about.
Thanks, Nina. You are so not alone in that! It’s so hard to navigate those new friendships and even harder to help them go deep. Thank you for your sweet words and encouragement!
How did I miss this?! It reminds me of Stephanie from The Lipstick Gospel and her guide to friendship–and what a great reminder to step out and be brave! Along the same lines as it being scarier to ask a potential friend to hang out than asking a boy on a date, it can be so exciting as the friendship starts and develops!! 🙂
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I’ve been out of college for four years now and I still haven’t really made any new friends in that time. My three best friends from college and my one best friend from high school are my group, and they’re so far away. I’ve known these things that you said above, but I’ve been making excuses… I still kind of am. I know what I SHOULD do, it’s just so hard to DO it. I’m an introvert and have a fragile heart when it comes to social interaction, so even when I want to get a phone number when I meet someone I think I might want to build a friendship with, it seems impossible and awkward and like I’m doing something wrong and it won’t come to anything in the end. This is silly! And I know it’s silly? Why is it so hard?
But this is a post I needed to hear. I need to go cry and come up with a game plan for making new friends that I can stick to. I need local friends so badly. It’s very lonely.
Hannah, I’m so sorry you’ve been experiencing all this but I definitely can relate! Female friendships have been so hard for me over the years and I know how scary it can be to initiate something. It’s hard but so, so worth it, as I’m sure you know! Praying for you as you look for deep, real friendships in the years post college. I know those friendships will come eventually!