As the weeks pass by in my maternity leave, I’ve started to get an understandable question from many people: “Are you going back to work?”
Since my heart for this blog (and life in general) is to be honest about the joys and the struggles we all experience, I think it’s time I finally give my answer to that question: I will NOT be returning to work and will be spending my days at home with our kids (both present and future).
The Joy And The Privilege
We’ve thought and prayed so much about this decision and know that it is the right decision for our family right now. As Young Life leaders and as teachers, we’ve always been struck by how much parents impacted their children. Parents shape the lives and souls of their children in ways more complex and lasting than we will ever understand. When I am home with our kids, I have the chance to mold their hearts, to speak truth to them, to raise them to believe that they matter and are worth loving and fighting for.
Even in these short few months I’ve had with our first son, I’ve seen what a joy that is. I am there to see every little step forward he makes, from his first smile to the first time he follows me with his eyes as I move around the room. Right now, I’m the center of the universe for this little guy, and I love that he will learn from me and his dad what it means to be human in the long days I spend at home with him.
Yes, we will have to make some sacrifices financially and our lives might look a little different in the next few years, but we are so fortunate that we will be able to get by and make this work. We trust that this is the right decision for our family right now and we are running after it with all we have.
But even in the midst of the joy and the gratitude that we can afford to have me stay home, I have to be honest: I have a lot of fears about this new season.
Owning My Fears
I’m scared that the days will feel long and boring, even as they are full to the brim with the responsibilities of taking care of littles ones (especially once we reach the toddler stage).
I’m scared that I’ll miss adult conversation and the interactions I used to have at work and in all the free time I once enjoyed.
I’m scared that my world will start to revolve around the minute details of my children’s day, that all I’ll be able to talk about is my ideas for how to get them to sleep better or eat better or “fill in the blank” better. I’m scared that I’ll lose myself and try to control my children and my family because of it.
At the heart of all these fears is really just one fear: I’m scared that I’ll lose who I am. Taking care of my children and making their needs my priority is beautiful and important, but I’m scared that I’ll lose my identity in the whirl of doing so. I’m scared that instead of being an intelligent, passionate, and creative woman who loves to read, cook, teach, travel, and experience life in a million ways, I’ll become just “mom.”
Yes, I am excited and overjoyed to stay home with our kids and never want to forget what a privilege and honor that is. I am 100% confident that this is where God is calling me right now, but it doesn’t mean I’m not scared too.
Where My True Identity Lies
In the midst of the fear, in the midst of the uncertainty, I am trying to cling to one truth: ultimately, my identity was never found in those things anyway.
My identity doesn’t come from my career, from my passions, from how I fill my free time. At its core, my identity comes from the fact that I am a beloved, chosen daughter of the God who created me. Whether I am grading papers as a teacher or cleaning up after the tiny humans my body nourished and grew, my value stays the same in His eyes. He loves me deeply and will continue to draw me into Him and use me to encourage people and point them to Him.
Over these last few months, I’ve come to believe that my gifts, my heart, and my intellect are just as needed inside my home as they are in the world outside it, and stepping away from my job does not change my value to God, to my husband, or to our community.
Yes, I am scared about the changes ahead. There will be hiccups, challenges, and struggles, and we will face each of them as they come. This season will hold new relationships, new life rhythms and routines, new challenges that will grow and stretch my heart, my body, and my intellect in a million ways. Even as they are incredibly hard, I am trusting in God’s leadership and know that this decision is the right one. I can’t wait to see how He will use the passions and gifts He’s given me in new ways during this next season, whether in this blog, in ministry, or in other ways I can’t even dream of right now.
I can’t promise I won’t feel the tiniest bit of sadness when the school year starts back up in August and I’m not in my classroom dreaming about a new year and a new set of students to love on and teach. But I know with all my heart that home with our littles is where I am supposed to be right now, and I am oh so grateful for that privilege and that calling.
P.S. Working moms, I have all the respect in the world for you and your decision (or financial obligation) to work outside the home. Your kids will grow up seeing you run after your dreams and goals in beautiful ways and the world needs what you contribute – both in your home and outside of it. You are full-time moms too and I’m grateful to share in this journey with you!
I so admire you for being honest about this part of your life and heart. I had the same fears about the idea of staying home, and I had a ton of fears about returning to work too! I appreciate that you’ve given this so much thought and prayer, and ultimately made a decision that will be best for your family. As mamas, what else can we do? Praying for you as you continue to transition to your new role — you’re an amazing mom, but you will never be “just” mom!
Brittany Bergman recently posted…What This New Mom Really Wants for Mother’s Day
This was so beautiful. If I am honest, even though we aren’t planning on having kids for a while, this fear lies somewhere in my heart as well. A part of me fears having children because I will become “Mom” instead of “Annie”. But these truths that you write about are so powerful. What a comfort. I love your heart, Lauren! And happy belated birthday! (:
I’m so glad you get to stay home with your kids! It is such a blessing!
Callie recently posted…3 Photo Printing Apps To Try
This is beautifully written, Lauren! I can relate to much of this. Pushing the “pause” button on my teaching career was far from an easy decision in order to stay home. My husband and I definitely followed our hearts to make the best decision for our family. There are still days I think my impact on the “world” now seems so small but I know when we follow our calling then there is no doubt we are in the right place.
Erin recently posted…The Perfect Gift Guide for Mothers
Thank you for being so open and honest. My husband and I have been thinking about these exact things. It’s encouraging to hear how other families are processing such an important decision.
I thought about becoming a SAHM too. My husband got a promotion at work so his bonuses every year add up to more than my salary will be now (since I won’t be working nearly as much as I did before). So I could be a SAHM without a change to our financial life, really. But I don’t think I could do it. My job is pretty awesome though because I only HAVE to work 48 hours a month (although 24 need to be on the weekend and I also have to work one major and one minor holiday a year), so I can work pretty minimally. However, because after taxes come out, those 48 hours will be what it takes to pay daycare monthly, so I plan to work some extra. I have a hard time knowing somebody else will be watching my baby and that I don’t even really know those people. They’ll also be responsible for a bunch of other babies too. What if something happened at daycare to MY baby and I know that I don’t even HAVE to work? But I don’t think I could be a SAHM. I am going crazy already now. I crave some normalcy and time to work and feel like myself. And part of my life goals is traveling and although my husband hasn’t made it into a “his money” situation since he’s the only one making any right now, I couldn’t spend thousands of dollars to go to Europe if I’m not even working. It’s definitely a struggle for me to still feel like myself and a mom, although as time passes, it gets easier. I’m more comfortable leaving the house with Jackson and we run to the store if we need to or go to lunch. He’s not as cumbersome now. But I also know that being in grad school with an active mobile child at home would be very difficult so I think we’ll NEED daycare in the end… I am excited to read about your “new” life and see how you deal with not going back to work! I always love reading your perspective on life and motherhood and the challenges you face. I also really love that you do keep it real and don’t just brush over how you really feel about these decisions.
Liz recently posted…A Week of Fun & My 30th Birthday!
Lauren, thank you so much for sharing this and for putting to words my exact thoughts I hadn’t thought how to articulate. On my blog, I shared our process in deciding that I should stay at home…but I hadn’t been able to put into words my hopes and fears about that choice! I’m 3 months into stay-at-home momming, and I absolutely agree. Our identities aren’t based on how we fill out time but in who God says we are!
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Thanks for sharing! I am glad you are getting to follow your dreams and I am sure it is going to work out beautifully for you!
Katie @thebrooksielife recently posted…Zander’s Newborn Pictures
I haven’t been around the blogging world lately, so i know ive nissed a ton and will try to catch up as I’m tenderly stepping back in. Nonetheless, I’m Super excited to see your little boy grow. I can only imagine you as a wonderful mother, as I always have.
You know, I’ve been on this motherhood and staying home for 3 years now…and I *still* am not sure of anything much of the time. I’ve definitely felt that I lost myself, maybe found some parts again, and most definitely gained/discovered others. It’s an incredible journey, one fraught with new and long and short and boring and exciting and freeing and so so much! I find my rhythms and our family rhythms change often enough that sometimes I can’t keep up with the changes, whether they be from outside, inside of me, or basic growing and changing of the littles.
Either way, Motherhood is an incredible journey whatever choices one makes that’s right or best for them! Again, Congrats on that precious boy and many :mama hugs: