It’s been almost a year since my green-eyed, redheaded little boy made me a mama. From the exhausting months of newborn cries and snuggles to the giggles and tantrums of the late baby stage, this journey has grown me in so many ways. Just as I might have predicted, one theme keeps coming up over and over again: control.
I quickly fell into one of the sneakiest traps of motherhood: the belief that everything my child is, does, and says is within my control and therefore my responsibility.
If my son is still waking up to eat in the middle of the night or ready to start the day at 4 AM, it’s because I need to tweak our schedule. If he’s doesn’t crawl, walk, or talk as quickly as other babies, it’s because I haven’t done enough practice activities with him. If he becomes a terribly picky eater, it’s because I didn’t introduce solids the right way and we’re doomed to a life of chicken nuggets and carbs forever (although that does sound pretty tasty to me!).
There are so many places in motherhood where I am quick to compare my son to other babies, determine that he’s not measuring up in some way, and lay the weight of that squarely on my own shoulders. I feel like I should be able to control everything my son is and does, and if I can’t, it must be because I’m not a good enough mom.
The farther I get into this motherhood journey, the more I start to wonder if this just isn’t fair. Yes, my actions have an impact on my son, and the decisions we make about his eating, sleeping, and behavior will shape his habits and the person he becomes. But to some degree, the person he’s becoming is already engrained in him. He is a distinct human being with likes, dislikes, and desires separate from me and what I want, and no amount of tweaks or discipline will change that completely.
The fact that my son isn’t doesn’t eat, sleep, or behave exactly like I want him to at all times isn’t a sign I’m a bad mom. It simply means that he’s human, just like his mama and daddy.
Here’s the truth I’m clinging to these days: I am not 100% responsible for every part of my son’s life, personality, and behaviors. We love our son with all our hearts and do everything we can each day to take care of him and raise him thoughtfully. But in the end, we cannot control him.
And you know what? Maybe the goal of parenting isn’t finding the one philosophy or strategy that will make my child “perfect” or mold him into a person who does everything we want him to do. Maybe instead it’s about a willingness to keep trying to raise him with love and tenderness even when it just doesn’t seem to work the way we’d planned.
It’s continuing to do everything I can to help my son get the naps and night sleep he needs, even when I see no improvement and I’m exhausted.
It’s continuing to try new approaches to food and eating, even when he throws things on the floor and it feels like we’re doomed to a picky eater forever.
It’s continuing to love him and set limits for him as he learns to explore his role in this big new world, even when I don’t think I can handle pulling him away from one more lamp cord.
It’s showing up and loving my kid over and over again, even when the 1000th attempt at something doesn’t produce the result I want.
Because ultimately, I don’t want to raise a little robot who does everything perfectly – I want to raise a child who knows he is deeply loved and cared for by his parents and the God who made him, a God who loves him even when he fails to measure up over and over again. I want to raise a child who knows that in his failures, his brokenness, and his learning to manage all the messy feelings that embody our short time here, he is safe and believed in and cherished.
I want our parenting to reflect the tender, patient care of a God who gives us the space to be broken and beautifully messy.
So from here on out, I am giving myself and my son the grace to be imperfect. I will change diapers, make another batch of banana pancakes, tweak sleep schedules, teach boundaries, give lots of kisses, and do everything I can to prepare my son for the life ahead of him. But when things don’t go as planned or he throws a fit or doesn’t quite match my expectations, I will let go of my need for complete control and just keep on moving forward in this parenting journey of ours.
I will love my son with all my heart and raise him with constant prayer, intention, and coffee, but I am trusting that ultimately, who he becomes is in the hands of the One who knit him together in my womb.
And it is oh so freeing.
Yes I think every mother feels this way for a while and then she realizes that she is doing the best she can. But I think many mothers never realize she is doing the best she can.
Liz Jo recently posted…potty training pt. 2
Good post! I think I got lucky that aside from early wake ups in the mornings, Jackson has been a pretty great napper and sleeper. Although, we had a LOT of sleep regressions. That was tough. I think it’s just important to always know that you’re doing your best and to never feel guilty. Despite hating the newborn days and completely dreading them for baby number two, I don’t have any guilt. I have no guilt that I rarely wanted to hold Jackson when he was a newborn and didn’t like waking him up from naps because his 30 minutes of wake time was SO MONOTONOUS! No guilt. I still love him. I still took great care of him, even when I thought he was boring and ruining my life (kidding about the ruining my life- kind of, haha). I have always been a pretty great mom! I don’t get why parents face any mom guilt. Anyway, that was sort of of topic, but it was on my mind since I’ve been reading so many moms who talk about being bad parents or feel guilty for one thing or another and there is just no reason for any of that!
Liz recently posted…Soccer Games, Friend Visits, & Personal Training
Being a mom is hard! I don’t think it is any easier the second time around! Believe in yourself and what you are doing! I am sure you are doing the best for your child! You are doing an amazing job but it is hard not to compare! Shoot I compare sleep all the time!
Katie @thebrooksielife recently posted…Zander – 10 Months
And every single child is different. You can do all the same things and they will still be their own child! I have 4 and I did similar things with each of them (feeding, sleep, etc.), but each showed their personalities that made me relinquish some control and figure out what to do with each one. This last one, she’s a different beast all together. At nearly 3 years old, she still doesn’t sleep all night, but she potty trained herself in one day shortly after she turned 2. And it wasn’t anything I did, it’s all her!
Jen recently posted…Improvements and Walking with Friends
Amen to this! My mother in law hinted that Aiden wasn’t walking by age 1 because I don’t practice with him enough “because I’m so busy.” HAHA. It’s sooo easy to blame myself for him not reaching that milestone yet, but (in this case) he will walk/talk when he is dang well ready. (And I’d rather focus on teaching him to love God & love others as he grows up.)
Julie Hood recently posted…5 Thing No One Told Me About Labor
So much yes! I’ve had to remind myself of this time and time again! You are such a wonderful mom, Lauren!