I’ve learned so much about myself and other people by thinking through where we lie on the introvert-extrovert scale. Where we fall in that spectrum affects our marriages, our friendships, and so much more! One of my most searched and popular posts is about what I’ve learned about living in an introvert-extrovert marriage, so I know I’m not alone in thinking through all of this.
I’m right in the middle of the introvert-extrovert spectrum – comfortable in social situations and not afraid to talk to new people, but I 100% get my energy from time alone and love being by myself. As I’ve jumped into the challenging journey of finding friends and community post-college, I’ve realized that my introverted nature is both a strength and a weakness. These are four things that I am trying to do to step out of my comfort zone and grow my friendships!
1) Spend Time Doing FUN Things
I’m not saying introverts don’t like to have fun…but let’s be real, you can only go on so many coffee dates before a friendship starts to stall. I’ve seen some of my friendships grow significantly when I stepped out of my comfort zone to do something silly and spontaneous. Invite someone to watch a silly movie, go get ice cream, do some shopping, and let the intense heart questions wait for a while. I am not all that great at this, but I’m learning that relationships need joy and silliness just as much as they need vulnerability and deep conversations.
2) Reach Out To People Throughout The Week
Since I was little, I’ve been an “out of sight out of mind” kind of person. I love my friends and family deeply, but I’m not one to reach out with random little thoughts or jokes when we’re apart. I’ve learned so much about this from my best friend Haley who keeps in touch with just about every person she’s ever met in her life. When she thinks of someone for whatever reason, she sends a text or email or letter, and has deep friendships with so many people as a result. I’m not saying we introverts need to make constant phone calls (heaven forbid!) but a quick text or email wishing someone a good day or telling them a reason you thought of them is a great way to grow a friendship.
3) Share Unprocessed Thoughts And Emotions
A lot of people I know who are introverts tend to also be internal processors who like to think through everything on their own before they share it. Even if it’s a little uncomfortable at first, sharing struggles, fears, doubts, or victories before they are fully processed and picture-perfect is so important. Like I shared about in this post on how to deepen adult friendships, being brave enough to share your mess is a beautiful way to cultivate intimacy with new friends.
4) Invite Friends To Help With Projects
I promise I’m not anti-social, but there are a lot of things I love doing by myself (especially now that I have a little one). I love quiet and alone time, but I’ve also loved the moments when friends called me out of my little bubble to do random things like painting or other crafts and projects with them. So many good conversations happen when we work on things alongside people, even if our initial response would just be to work on it alone. Asking someone to come help with something (or offering to help them!) can be intimidating, but can also lead to great conversations and growth. I’m learning to ask people for help and am always so impressed and amazed by how quick my friends are to say yes and jump in!
I don’t think that introverts need to change who they are to grow their friendships. I believe that the depth, loyalty, and intentionality that introverts bring to friendships are so, so valuable! But just like those qualities are valuable, we can learn from the spontaneity and joy that our more extroverted friends bring to friendships. As long as we are constantly growing and intentionally pouring into our friendships in whatever way we can, I’d say we’re on the right track!
What are some things you are doing to grow and deepen your friendships?
These are such great tips, Lauren!! In the past, I’ve “tested” as riding the line between introvert and extrovert, but over time I’ve realized just how much of an introvert I can be. I’ll definitely be keeping these tips in mind! Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Great tips! I’m between introvert and extrovert too, so I totally relate to this!
Rachel recently posted…Le Parker Meridien NYC
These tips are fantastic and much needed in this introverts life right now, as I am feeling very dry in the friendship arena. I think these are awesome ideas and all things I wish I was better at. I definitely feel pushed to get outside of my comfort zone!
Annie recently posted…A Quick Guide To Richmond, Virginia
These are all great tips! I’m definitely somewhere towards the introverted side of the spectrum, not always, but mostly, and these are great tips. I love the idea of inviting friends over to help with projects because it’s something fun to do and work on the friendship at the same time!
Hannah recently posted…7 Must-See Sights and Experiences in Singapore
This post is gold. So I don’t do much of these things. As an introvert, the fun activities include reading or binge watching series. I definitely never reach out to people, which is something I might work upon. The sharing is a bit tough but I’m trying it and there are few people with whom I can talk to. Inviting people is really far into the future. Sometimes being an introvert could be a big weakness but the times it’s a strength, it really hold me up! 🙂
Great tips. I find that it helps me to not plan too many friend activities within a week to give myself time to recoup. =)
Yes to all of these! Especially the first one – how many coffee dates do we have until we actually have a solid friendship?!
Also, #4 is SO ME. I am so introverted that I totally don’t ever think about inviting someone to come and help me. I’ve been learning to reach out, too, and it’s done so much! Thanks for sharing!
This is great, Lauren! As an introvert too this totally resonates! <3
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This is my biggest problem as an introvert is making new friends and forming new friendships. I think the first tip is defintely helpful when you’re doing something fun it’s easy to just let go and be free same as doing a project you’re passionate about. I love these tips. I’ll defintely be using them.
Asking someone to come over and help me with a project or task is my favorite way to grow a friendship! It gives us something to work on and doesn’t stress me out about finding something to talk about or something to do!
I love these tips. As a fellow introvert, I can totally relate to always wanting to go deep and desiring my time at home to be JUST ME! I feel challenged to invite people into my home and let down my walls a little bit. Thanks for the encouragement!
Yes I have such time with maintaining friendships with others because of my introverted tendencies.
liz @ j for joiner
I’m an introvert as well and sometimes I love being alone and just having that “me time” lol These are some great tips 🙂
These are such great tips that I can totally relate too — and put into practice. Thanks for sharing!
I love this! I haven’t taken the personality test to know which I am, but I bet this would be fun even for extroverts, too. (Or maybe I AM an extrovert?!) Inviting people along for a project/craft/adventure is the best 🙂
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This is fantastic! As an INFJ but borderline E, I related immediately to every one of your example situations. After reading this one post I had to immediately sign up for your newsletter. Can’t wait to read more of your writing. 🙂
Aww Karen you are so sweet! Always glad to meet another E/INFJ. 😉