When I wrote this post back in January about my fears about motherhood, one of the biggest ones was how having a baby would impact our marriage. How would we handle the sleep deprivation and new responsibilities? How would having a little one impact our intimacy, emotional and otherwise? What would life look like as a family of three instead of just us?
If I had to answer those questions in January, I would have guessed it would be pretty hard. I would have guessed that things would be tense, that we would feel some distance grow between us as we figured out our new normal. I would have guessed that we’d have significantly less time together and would see some challenges arise because of that.
And you know what? I would have been completely wrong.
Yes, we had our fair share of challenging, sleepy moments as we figured things out, but it felt like we pretty quickly settled into a new normal that delights us and grows us on a daily basis. I’m sure I’ll reflect and write about some of those challenges at some point, but overall there have been lots of sweet moments. Looking back on these first six months, these are five things that surprised me about our new life as parents!
1) We’ve spent a TON of time together.
Jordan and I fight to live a live that’s slow and intentional, even when busy seasons with life and work come. We always want to say NO to the unimportant things so we can say YES to each other, to Jesus, and to our family (you can read more about that in this post). Having a baby actually fit really well into our lives because we were usually at home together in the evenings anyway. In those first couple months, we spent lots of time together on the couch, binge watching Parks and Rec and snuggling our little man. Evenings were exhausting when Caleb was cluster feeding or fussy in the beginning, but for the most part, we spent more time together in those first few months than I could have expected. Granted most of it was with a fussy newborn, but I still loved that time together!
2) We’ve had lots of deep, real conversations.
And you know where 98% of those conversations happened? Driving around in the car while Caleb slept on the way to or from something. We often found ourselves driving an extra fifteen minutes on our way to church or our way home from time with friends, and so many good conversations happened as we wound through the country roads just minutes from our house. We dreamed about our family, what we’d long to see happen in our small group, and so many other things while our son napped in the backseat. I feel like I got to see a new part of Jordan’s heart for his students and his friends through those conversations and that is a beautiful thing.
3) We are learning to problem solve together.
If I’ve learned anything in these first six months, it’s that parenting is mostly just trying to troubleshoot and make whatever decisions will keep your baby well-fed, healthy, well-rested, and happy. It’s a lot of trial and error, especially since we’re first time parents and have pretty much no idea what we’re doing. Jordan has let me take the lead for the most part when it comes to figuring out Caleb’s routine, but it’s been fun to learn how to take care of our son together. Jordan’s a great listener when I need to process something going on with Caleb (like when he won’t take any naps longer than 34 minutes – UGH) and he makes me feel validated in my problem-solving, even when things don’t work. I’m so glad that we’re partners in figuring this out together!
4) We have been really stinking silly together.
I’m going to blame this one on the sleep deprivation, y’all. There were so many moments where one of us would say or do something ridiculous and then we’d both be cracking up for a while afterward. We giggled at silly things Caleb did, laughed at ourselves as we figured out how to take care of a baby, and were just plain silly when the lack of sleep got to us and we entered a late-night stage of exhausted, giggly crazy we call “going to punchy-town.” I’d probably still sometimes choose sleep over some of those silly moments, but I love the spirit of fun and joy that we’ve had these last few months.
5) We have a new sense of the life we are building together.
There have been a few moments since we had Caleb where we were all together in our living room and I realized how incredible it all is – the fact that our marriage led to the creation of this little life, that the time, energy, and love we pour into Caleb is creating the legacy of our family that will last for decades to come. It makes our union feel all the more significant. Now our marriage matters deeply not only to us, but also to Caleb and our future children who will learn from us what it means to love, serve, and commit to another person. There’s a gravity to our vows that I never understood until I saw my son look back and forth between me and Jordan and realized that we are his whole world. That heaviness is beautiful and sobering and I never want to lose sight of it.
So many people we talked to before having Caleb made depressing comments about how we needed to enjoy our last few months together before kids because it was all downhill from there (really, people?). Yes, having kiddos has challenged us, but overall, growing our family has brought us so much joy and deepened our love for each other in ways we never could have imagined.
I know things will get more complex as we eventually add to our family and our littles become more independent, but I have a feeling the joy will multiply along with the challenges. And if you ask me, that deepened, renewed joy in our marriage and our family is well worth the work of raising our children.
This is so awesome! I love hearing these unexpected ways that you’ve been able to enjoy each other during this busy season.
Daisy @ Simplicity Relished recently posted…6 Surprising Ways Minimalism Can Change The World
These reflections are so lovely, Lauren, and I appreciate you sharing this positive side of what being new parents does to a marriage! Things get more complicated, to be sure, and some things get harder, but I firmly believe that when your marriage is grounded in Christ and you’re committed to unity, it also gets a whole lot sweeter.
Brittany Bergman recently posted…Armchair Chats // August 2016
Lauren,
Thank you for this positive post about how marriage changes for the better after a baby. My husband and I are expecting our little pumpkin in about 4 weeks. I’m done hearing about how we will never sleep again — I love hearing the good babies will bring into marriage.
Katie Mowdy recently posted…Well, Hello There, Maternity Leave
Oh sweet Lauren. This post makes my heart so happy. I loved reading about your little family. You are such a model family to look up to. I’m sure having a baby is very hard on a marriage but you two are handling it with such grace, which shows me how strong you are. Caleb is so stinking adorable.
Aww thank you! That is so sweet and encouraging 🙂 Hope all is well with you as you guys get closer to being married yourselves!
Oh I love that picture of little Caleb zooming in for the camera shot! I haven’t dropped in for awhile, and it’s just lovely to see your family doing life together.
Blessings to all 3 of ya’, Lauren!
Linda Stoll recently posted…Are You Ready to Take Your Blog to the Next Level?
Aww thank you, Linda! I miss following along with you. Hope all is well with you!
This is wonderful and SO different from Jon and me. But I think Jon and I need to work on being intentional anyway in our marriage. Or at least I do. Because I fail miserably at that. I am so grateful that even though I complain about Jon a lot, he is SUCH a good dad. I couldn’t have picked a better person to be a father to our child. Although he may groan at me when I ask him to help with Jackson, he still is so happy to go pick Jackson up and take care of him. I love the way he loves him. I am definitely the one that struggles more with the way our life has changed, but I can’t say that it’s necessarily in a bad way. It’s just different. I definitely miss being able to run out in the evenings with Jon to enjoy a nice night out, but then you see the little person who is a perfect mix of the two of us and it’s worth it. I love your #5. I think about this too and how much WE mean to Jackson (especially since my sister, who has a 5 year old, got divorced while I was pregnant) and how much our family means now. But I think the way you word it even makes me think about it in a different light. I love your posts so much and definitely look forward to them. I love the way you manage to be real and still be optimistic and you just write so well and in such a relatable way!
Liz recently posted…House Hunting & Holidays
I hear you on struggling with some of the changes…I think I’ve more struggled with daytime limitations since Caleb’s nap schedule has been so all over the place. It’s hard to change our life rhythms to fit theirs and help them get the sleep they need! There really is nothing sweeter than a daddy and his little one though. Thanks for your sweet words, Liz!
I love this post, Lauren!! As always, I really appreciate your heart and your honesty. It’s reassuring to look ahead at the future and see how marriage can be surprisingly and positively influenced by the addition of a little one! 🙂 Also, I get sad when I hear people say comments like “your life will be over once you have kids!” I think they’re really missing the bigger picture. Thanks for this post!!
Hannah recently posted…Rodan + Fields // JennaRae’s Story
Thanks, Hannah! I hate that attitude too…there are lots of challenges but lots of joys too. You guys are going to be great parents one day! 😉
Thank you so much for posting this.
When the mister and I talk kids, we always do it with excitement but dread… because it seems there is so much NEGATIVITY about what kids do to a marriage (even when we know from our own parents that kids worked out great!)
This post just made me smile start to finish and feel better about wanting to start a family
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It is so crazy that people say stuff like that, both about marriage and having kids. I’m all for being intentional and not rushing into things until you’re ready, but I really do believe that each new season comes with both challenges/struggles AND joy. I wish more people would talk about the joy!
Yes to all of this!!!! Devin and I have a million more inside jokes now that come from life with Aiden (for example, and this is embarrassing to admit, we imitate what he might say in a high pitched squeaky voice, like “no mom, stop sniffing my diaper! I’m clean!”). Once again, you pick the most interesting things to write about, and I love it!!
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I can relate to a lot of this with my husband too! Although the first year has been tough for us, but it has prompted a lot of good, deep conversations and learning more ways to work as a team. Thanks for sharing.