Welcome to this week’s Womanly Wednesday! In this series, different women share their struggles, bravely opening up about their stories so that other people would be inspired and encouraged. Make sure to check out the Womanly Wednesday archives to read other posts from this series!
I have struggled with my self-worth since I was a child. I never could handle it if my ‘best’ friend had another friend. I was literally that person who thought “well if they have another friend, they must not like me.” Thanks to this horrible self-worth, I’ve made a lot of stupid choices with my relationships. I’ve dated sweet guys whom I’ve left because they weren’t enough. I’ve dated real jerks whom I clung to desperately even after multiple breakups and cold shoulders. I have really been a great definition of ‘hot mess’.
The worst, and somehow best, choice I ever made was becoming “the other woman”. I don’t mean this metaphorically; when I was 24 I began a relationship with a married man. I was under no illusion about his relationship status. I knew he was married. When we first met, there was zero intention of pursuing any kind of relationship with him, because, ya know, married. Fast forward a year, and completely out of left field he was oh-so-stereotypically Snapchatting me while he was out of town. Could it be more cliche?! Gross.
However cliche it was, I still kept up the interactions, talking about how much I wished I could see him, how he wished he could come visit me instead. Y’all I was not kidding. Hot. Mess. I didn’t have the intention of a lasting relationship with him. I was all in it for the one-night-stand. One and done. Hit it and quit it. There was no reason for me to think otherwise. Until he decided to tell me he loved me. Ladies and gentleman, my poor rejection-filled soul ate it right up. In so many ways, I was done for. Clearly my heart had the tiniest amount of remorse because I knew there was a wife on the other side of his flight back home. It wasn’t enough remorse to end things though.
We continued our affair for a few months, talking and social media-ing, until his wife got pregnant. Yeah. Pregnant. When he clearly “loved me more than anything”. *insert eye roll* My heart was so desperate that I stayed. Not only did I stay, I moved 1,100 miles from home to be closer to him. If you’re shaking your head at me, don’t worry, I shake my head at myself as well. All I knew was I loved this man, and he kept promising that he loved me too. My withered self-worth ate it up – finally someone was choosing ME! And he was choosing me OVER his wife?! I’m embarrassed to admit it was absolutely an ego boost.
About six months into this insanity, life got really weird and difficult to cope with. Not shockingly the relationship began to fall apart right around the time the baby came. I mean, can you blame him? Who can juggle a mistress and a newborn? I was so wrapped up in this relationship that when it began to unravel, so did my mental health. In August 2015, just shy of a year ago, I was in such a dark place that I couldn’t shake the suicidal thoughts creeping in. I finally asked a non-church friend to bring me to the emergency room, and I was later admitted to a psychological facility about 30 minutes away. It was truly the most unique experience I’ve ever had. And I’ve had an affair…
There was a flurry of fear and action that surrounded my life after the hospital stay. My mom wanted me to move back home – understandably, seeing as I now lived alone in my own apartment, in the city I moved to for Married Guy. I was heartbroken, defeated, sad, and seemingly alone. I had briefly reached out to my dear friend Jordan about my situation while I was in the ER, but she had no clue the scope of it all until we met to go for a walk. Not coincidentally, I had met Jordan during a church small group, and was meeting with her for what I assumed would be the last time to let her know I was leaving Alabama. While we walked, I slowly explained the whole shebang – the affair, the baby, the overwhelming heartbreak, and the fear. What’s beautiful about this exchange is that Jordan’s very first reaction was to say “You went through that all by yourself?! Why didn’t you tell me?!” No shame, no condemnation, just genuine love for my sad soul. She then gently suggested that maybe, just maybe, God brought me here. All I could think was “Uhhhh HELLO?? Did you miss the part where I moved here to have an affair?? I doubt that was God…”
Thankfully, I now can see that God’s hand was in this even when I thought I was running away from Him. Now that I’m on the other side, I can see how it all was orchestrated by God. Since that summer walk with Jordan, I have come into my God-given purpose here in Alabama. Even when I decided a sequel might be a good idea, Married Guy Part II, God was using it to mold my heart. God blessed me with a job that utilizes my love for children and psychology, and I’ve stepped into women’s ministry using my photography and design skills. While I still struggle with self-worth, the process of sanctification has stripped away a lot of my anxiety and victimization.
I’ve been given this story to tell for a reason. I’m not sure if you struggle with self-worth, or you don’t really understand who you are in Christ. Maybe you too have had an affair, or you’re been the other person. There is no condemnation here for you. However, there is no place for these things in the Kingdom either. Recognizing that God used this for His purpose does not mean we can go around sleeping with married people and claim it is the Will of God. Definitely NOT. I think God knew what it would take to get me here, and He used it. He’ll do the same for you in your stories, friends!
Heidi comes from a long line of coffee drinkers, most of whom have encouraged her to always pursue her relationship with Jesus. Born in Massachusetts, her affinity for unsweetened tea still shocks some of her new southern friends. She currently resides in northern Alabama where she wears many hats including special education aide and photographer. She lives with her favorite child, a dog named Ella Joan. You can find her on social media, usually rolling her eyes at life and posting about how much she loves pizza (Facebook Instagram Twitter ,Tumblr).
Thank you for this, Heidi. I love your candor and courage in sharing not only what happened but the emotional journey that this was wrapped up in. Grateful for healing and grace!
Daisy @ Simplicity Relished recently posted…The Ultimate Guide To Mexico City (for first timers)
Thank you Daisy! It was time to share so that God could fully redeem and reclaim it all 🙂 Definitely grateful for those blessings as well <3
Wow, Heidi. What courage, bravery and strength you have! Thank you for being brave enough to step out and share your story. Your courage is giving God all the glory!
I love telling me and my husband’s story of how we met and started dating, but I always leave out the things that happened to lead me to him. I too did some unsatisfactory things in a couple of brief relationships for the same reason – to boost my self esteem – but later realized that I just felt ashamed. Anyways, with all that being said, if those things didn’t happen, I probably wouldn’t have met my amazing in every sense of the word husband who has turned out to be the best daddy to our little girl. God lets us make stupid decisions, but He’s right there along with us guiding us through them towards His purpose for us; and I’m forever grateful for that. Also, I’m from North Alabama so I’m curious to where Heidi lives 🙂
Hi Kelley! I currently live in Cullman, AL 🙂 I’d love to connect with you!!
Also, the last picture is of my current boyfriend whom I truly believe is the man I will marry, and I wouldn’t have met him if I hadn’t made those unsavory choices too! God is so good ❤️
What a brave, lovely soul.
Heidi what it takes to be transparent and honest is truly heroic. Thank you for sharing your story on my dear friend’s blog.
I recently went through an emotional affair and I am devastated that I so easily fell into the cracks. So when I say there is no shock or pointed finger in me, for you, I mean it. We are creatures of connection and emotion and ache for being seen. He fills us with Himself that is the water which quenches. But sometimes we still seek. Even when we know better. How I need His grace daily. How quickly and generously He gives.
Thank you again. ?
Thank you for sharing, Leigh ❤️ It only builds community and fellowship when we are able to share our wounds and scars. Thank you for sharing too! God is good and gracious and loves us through our sin!
Having been the wife of a cheating husband (I divorced him), I will put in my two cents. For eleven years I had to live in this mess. (It was almost impossible to get a divorce back then). After two kids, I found out that he was cheating. The other woman even had his child.
I did not hate or blame her, she did not take a vow to love and honor me. I could understand her falling in love with him because I loved him with all my heart and soul. Their affair ended and all was fine for about six months then I found out about another “other woman”. I was heartbroken. He had promised, I cried for weeks. What was I to do? The Bible said no divorce. I was to honor him. The Chaplain told me to wait it out, he would outgrow this phase. So for another 7 years life went like this: He would have a mistress for about 6 months then began to grow tired of her. He had met another woman and wanted to end it. So he would not be the bad guy and just end the affair with her hating him he would leave clues around for me to find. This way he could tell her that I had found out and he would lose his children if he did not end it.
Now I will tell you that each time I would cry for weeks and then life would just about get back to normal and I would think that maybe this time would be different. This was a roller coaster ride.
We had another child and things began to get worse. He drank more and began to take his anger at his mistress on me. The abuse was affecting our three children. I was told by the Chaplain that if I was the wife I should be he would not hit me. And that I should see that the children were not around when he hit me. I must point out that I almost never talked to the same Chaplain because we changed army post about once a year. Divorce laws changed and I stood in line. It took me over a year to pay the lawyer and have money to cover the court cost. Divorce was worse than if he had died. He chose to hurt me, he chose to reject me and he chose to not honor his vow.
I could not join a church because I was divorced. I was a mess, I had to move back home with my parents, I could not get a job and he refused to pay child support. Did he ever love me? Did he ever love the children? Did he ever love any of the other women? Did he ever love anyone but himself?
God did not put me in the mess, but he allowed it because he gave us free will. I found a good christian advisor who helped me to understand that some of the choices I had made were not God’s will. I met a good christian man and we have spent the last 40 years trying to serve God.
So, I want to tell the “Other woman” don’t hate the wife she did not put you into the affair. Feel sorry for her. You can walk away from the “married man” with a hurt heart and a lesson learned but when she walks away from him she losses her husband, her dreams, her income, her home and her self worth. His three children lose their father and their way of life.