Sobremesa Stories

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Womanly Wednesday: How OCD Impacts A Relationship With God

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Welcome to this week’s Womanly Wednesday! In this series, different women share their struggles, bravely opening up about their stories so that other people would be inspired and encouraged.  Make sure to check out the Womanly Wednesday archives to read other posts from this series! 

“After uttering the same sentence of my prayer for the fourth time, I finally feel like I said it right. Now God knows I’m sincere, because I phrased the sentence correctly and didn’t doubt this time.
Now on to Bible reading… 10 minutes later, I’m still on the same paragraph, because I’m worried that the passage has a deeper truth that I’m missing. Or that it is, in fact, a direct answer to what I was praying about the night before- except, it wouldn’t matter if I was reading Matthew or Leviticus. I would still find a way to make it about that subject. Because it has to be. Whatever I’m reading has to be a direct answer to my prayers and questions, and I just have to ‘decode the message.'”

How OCD Impacts A Relationship With God 1

Pure Misery

That sounds pretty miserable, huh? And you’re probably thinking, “That’s not how a relationship with God works”, and if you are thinking that, you are right.  The scenario pretty much sounds like the plot of a novel about a religious nut.
But it’s really about me. My name is Kristin. I’m 25 years old, and my OCD often makes my relationship with God miserable.
I honestly hate praying. Not because I don’t want to talk to God- I do. I actually desire a thriving relationship with God and I have a deep passion to share His love with others. But when I pray, I have this verbal obsession that overtakes me. I have to say every word right. If I don’t say God’s name before everything I ask, I start to worry that He won’t acknowledge that I was talking to Him. So my prayers end up being a whole lot of repeating myself and not a whole lot of substance. I still pray, and I still intercede for others, but it can often be painful because of the disorder.

How OCD Impacts A Relationship With God 2

The Truth About The Lies

Perhaps it’s my charismatic upbringing, or perhaps it’s just part of the philosophy many Christians had when I was growing up, but when I read the Bible, I always feel like what I am reading needs to directly apply to me. It has to be the answer to whatever I’m struggling with, or a direct word from Heaven on the next step I need to take.
Don’t get me wrong! The Bible is absolutely a place for answers- a place where God will speak directly to our hearts. But the Bible is also a word from God in and of itself. It doesn’t need anything read into it to be helpful, true, and applicable. I also don’t need to assume that John 3:16 will help me figure out which college to go to. Jeremiah 29:11 will not tell me if I need to go to a friends party or stay home, and the Psalms are probably not going to help me figure out if it’s “acceptable” to go white water rafting with my friends. That’s not what the scriptures are all about.
And to most Christians, that’s pretty obvious. But to my incredibly OCD (and as a result, paranoid) mind, it’s not as evident.

How OCD Impacts A Relationship With God 3

Not-so-stereotypical

When you hear about someone with OCD, it’s usually about people who have to have a perfectly tidy home or they go nuts. You hear about the people who wash their hands over and over again, or someone who ritualistically walks through their doorway three times before they are able to sit and relax. But I’ve never heard of someone like me. I’ve never heard of “verbal OCD”, and I don’t really know if that’s even the term for it. It’s absolutely an Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, but it’s very different.
OCD is already hard for people to understand, but it’s even harder to understand when you have a strange form of the disorder. No one understands why I have to perfectly explain my point and if I don’t I will re-explain the whole thing over again (even if everyone already understands what I mean).
I’m just not your typical girl with OCD.

How OCD affects my relationship with God

Unfortunately, OCD makes my relationship with God extremely difficult.
On the one hand, I know what the Bible says. I know that the Holy Spirit intercedes on my behalf, even when the words aren’t coming out the way I think they should (Romans 8:26). I know that what I read in the Bible isn’t always directly related to what I’m dealing with, yet it is still useful for learning and growing and convicting ( 2 Timothy 3:16). I know that I can come to God and trust Him regaurdless of how I feel or sound, and regardless of my fears.
But sometimes the battle of the mind is harder than we ever expected.
My sickness- my disorder, or whatever you want to call it- often puts anger in my heart, and makes me feel divided from God. It’s not true, but sometimes it’s easier to believe lies than to fight back with truth.

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Looking Upwards

I hate my OCD, and I hate what it turns me into sometimes. But my issues with OCD do not define me. They don’t change who I am. And they certainly don’t change how God sees me. He knew before the foundations of the earth that I would struggle in this area, and He still died for me! He still covered all of my sins, struggles, and heartaches. He said, “I see what she will deal with, and I still want her. I still rejoice over her”.
God looked far ahead. He took on every part of me- not just the parts He decided He’d enjoy dealing with.
And God knows if and when I will be healed of these struggles. He knows the moments when I’ll believe the lies, and the moments when I’ll believe Him instead. He knows when I’ll be angry because of these hardships, and when I’ll rejoice. And best of all, God will be by my side throughout this entire journey.
He will help me spread His love even when I am hurting. He will help me stand firm when I feel like giving up. He will love me even when I feel unlovable.
OCD may be rough on my relationship with God, but it cannot sever it.
But in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers,nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:37-39)
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Friends, I don’t know what you struggle with. Maybe you struggle in the way I do, or maybe you struggle with something entirely different, but regardless, you are so incredibly loved. Your hardships are not too much for God. In fact, He is better equipped to handle them than anyone else. He understands why you struggle and how you feel even if no one else does. And He will carry you through. He’ll help you work through the lies, through the doubts, through all the feelings you can’t navigate on your own.
It may take months. It may take years. It may not even happen on this side of Heaven. But God will deliver you. And through it all He will not forsake you. And that makes God worth pursuing through every single struggle- no matter how deep the pain. That makes it all worth it. That makes a relationship with God the most beautiful thing there is, no matter how difficult the road becomes.
Our relationships with God may be pulled on and attacked from all directions, but it will not shatter as long as we stand firm.
So no matter how challenging OCD makes chasing after a relationship with God, I know that I am always held, and I know that it will all be ok.
It will all be worth it in the end.
Kristin Cook is the author of The Peculiar Treasure– a blog that is all about having the courage to be the peculiar people that God has called us to be. Kristin wants everyone to see that we all are a little bit odd- peculiar- and God uses that to do great things when we trust in Him.  Kristin is a wife, dog-mom, lover of coffee, and a Netflix enthusiast. She is a North Carolina native and a beach-girl at heart.  Make sure to follower her on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Bloglovin’ or Pinterest.  
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Comments

    • Thank you so much, Hannah! I appreciate that!
      And you are right! We can be better-prepared by hearing the stories of others. I know my mom told me recently that before I started struggling, she really had’t had much experience with people with depression/anxiety/OCD. But now that she is walking through all this with me, she can much better handle others with similar issues and have more patience and understanding. I think that is part of “doing life” together 🙂
      Kristin recently posted…Raw HonestyMy Profile

  3. How brave for sharing! Absolutely beautifully written and something that I think needs to be shared. I am passionate about breaking the stigma and shedding light on mental illness in my own life and so I absolutely love this post. Thanks for sharing!
    Annie recently posted…4 Tips For When You’re In a Creative RutMy Profile

    • Thank you, Annie! I agree! It’s so easy to feel like a “crazy person”, but that’s not what it is. Making people aware will break those thoughts down.
      Kristin recently posted…Raw HonestyMy Profile

  4. This is wonderful Kristen! It’s so brave of you to share. Our God is definitely worth pursuing no matter how difficult it may seem.

  5. Kristin, how brave of you to tell your true struggles like this. I struggle with OCD and crippling anxiety and I can really relate to what you are saying. These scriptures are so helpful in working on those things. I hate my problems too. 🙁 But one thing i did when praying was i decided that if i am going to have a relationship with God, I need to go all in like He’s my best friend because He should be. I look at Him like a friend, that eliminated my need to talk to Him perfectly. I looked at my best friend Darla and I decided, i could talk to God the same way i talked to her. She does not judge me. She loves me no matter what. So I started praying that way and it helped me so much. I feel so close to Him. I still struggle in a lot of other areas, but this helped my prayer life. I will apply the scriptures you shared to my other issues and work toward a better future for myself.

    • That’s a great idea, Christina! I am glad that has been working for you! We really should talk to God like that sometimes! I appreciate you sharing your struggles with me too! I am sorry you go through that, but I am glad that God is helping you through 🙂
      Kristin recently posted…Raw HonestyMy Profile

    • Thank you so much, Cassandra! The problem for me is getting those yearnings into action. Working on it though! Thank you for your prayers!
      Kristin recently posted…Raw HonestyMy Profile

  7. Sorry to hear this struggle of yours, Kristin. I have minor form of OCD but like you mentioned- it’s not nearly the same kind of yours. I’m hoping you can pull through this difficult time and things look easier for you soon. HUGS

    • Thank you very much, Chelsea! I’m doing fine. I’ve been like this for years, but have definitely seen improvements! God is good. It’ll all work out. Thank you! Hugs to you too 🙂
      Kristin recently posted…Raw HonestyMy Profile

  9. Thank you Kristin for sharing your story. I love this: “But the Bible is also a word from God in and of itself. It doesn’t need anything read into it to be helpful, true, and applicable.” Something we all struggle with from time to time.
    Christa recently posted…The Christian Blogger Marketing SurveyMy Profile

  11. This is a beautiful picture of how grace intersects with our struggles. Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share this part of your story – it reminded me that all of our stories are important to tell and have something to offer others.

  12. What a beautiful picture of how grace intersects with our frustration. Thank you for the vulnerability it took to share this part of your story – it reminded me that all of our stories are important to tell, and that they all have something to offer others.

  13. Thank you so much for sharing, Kristin — you are so beautiful! I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD, but I can relate to sooo much of what you said and you are so encouraging.