Five Ways Motherhood Challenges My Perfectionist Heart

It’s been a little over a month since we had Caleb (you can read his birth story here), and like any mama knows well, my heart has been broken and stretched and grown in a million ways since he arrived.  I feel invigorated and exhausted, overjoyed and overwhelmed, head over heels in love and desperate for some alone time.  But maybe the best word to describe my emotional state these last few weeks? Terrifyingly, achingly vulnerable.

I am a perfectionist to my core and I love doing things well.  I love feeling on top of things, feeling in control and successful in everything I do.  So this whole motherhood thing? It’s rocking my world a bit.  It’s one of the few times in my life where I am doing something that is completely new to me.  I’ve held a few babies in my day but that’s nothing compared to the ups and downs of taking care of a newborn around the clock.

As I think through and process all the ways that motherhood is humbling me and exposing my needs for control and success, these five situations come to mind.

1) The Childbirth Process

It’s crazy to look back at pregnancy and remember all my fears and hopes for labor.  Once labor actually started, it was such a strange journey of knowing I’m completely out of control with the whole process, even as I’m following my body’s lead to keep things moving forward.  We were so fortunate to have a natural birth with no complications, but before it and in the midst of it I was reminded over and over how out of control I am when it comes to my body.  No labor is “perfect,” and as long as I did my best to bring my son into the world healthy and strong, then labor was all we could hope it to be.

2) Postpartum Recovery

Like my sweet friend Brittany shared about in this beautifully honest and practical post, recovering from childbirth is not easy.  I made it through a completely natural, unmedicated birth without crying a single tear, but the recovery process was a whole different story.  I was in tears every time I had to go to the bathroom (sorry if it’s TMI, but the burning/stinging is no joke, y’all), cried when my pain meds started to wear off and everything from my waist down started throbbing and aching, and winced every time I had to stand up or adjust positions.  It was so humbling and vulnerable to feel so needy in those first few weeks.  My husband, mom, mother-in-law, and other friends and family were so wonderful and helpful in those first few weeks, but my pain as I recovered reminded me that I’m not invincible and I desperately need other people to take care of me and support me.

3) Breastfeeding Challenges

I was excited to breastfeed and see my body provide for my son’s needs and overall our journey has been pretty darn successful.  Caleb is growing like a champ and generally eats well, but in the beginning there were some challenging moments where I felt completely overwhelmed.  He would get so worked up and hungry and just scream and scream as he tried to latch.  I felt like I was failing him and my mind went to a panicked place of “He can’t latch and he’ll never be able to latch and he’s going to starve and we have no formula and everything is going to fall apart and I’m a horrible mother!” (Anyone else’s brain go to this place sometimes?).  He always figured it out eventually, but in those tearful moments I had to let myself cry and know that we were both just doing the best we could.  It was okay not to be perfect, to admit that I’m figuring this out just like he is and there will probably be lots of hiccups (both literal and figurative – this kid gets the hiccups ALL the freaking time) along the way.

4) Meeting My Son’s Needs

Like I said above, I’m a perfectionist and want to feel like I am on top of everything.  Caleb hasn’t been super fussy overall, which we are super grateful for, but he has had a few nights where he gets worked up and cries and cries and he has his fussy times in the early evening like lots of babies (there’s a reason they call it the witching hour). In those moments I have felt so scared and vulnerable.  Jordan and I are the only ones there to meet his needs, to figure out what each cry means and try our best to meet his needs even as we’re overwhelmed and exhausted.  I know there’s so much grace and there’s room for trial and error as we learn to love our son, but boy is it exhausting when he cries and cries and comforting him is my responsibility.

5) Loving Our Son Deeply

I’ve heard people say that having children is like having your heart walk around outside your body and I have already seen that to be so true.  This little being is mine and I am his and it’s scary to know that I can’t control everything that happens to him.  Ultimately, I can’t keep him 100% healthy or safe, no matter how much I want to.  When he got circumcised and they brought him back to us crying, I sat in the backseat with him and cried the whole way home.  I hate that I can’t protect him from every pain and know that will only get harder as he gets older and goes out into the big, scary world.  I want his world and his life to be perfect, even though I know it’s the broken moments that will grow him into the man I want him to be (like I shared about in this heartfelt letter to him when he was still in my belly).

Being a mom is beautiful and sweet, but even one month in I already know my world will never be the same.  My control-seeking, perfectionist self will have to learn to let some balls drop, to trust that there is grace for my struggles, my sin, my brokenness, and my tears.  And in those moments of vulnerability, I’m learning to trust that God is all the more present, that His grace and His love are enough even when I am far from perfect.

I couldn’t be more grateful for that truth as I navigate this new, beautifully chaotic reality of being a mama and teaching a tiny human that he is worthy of love, attention, and belonging.