Eight Practical Ways To Support Someone With Mental Illness

Annie of The Free and Wild Blog is a blogging friend who in so many ways has become a real-life friend too.  We have lots of mutual real life friends and I have grown to love this girl’s honesty, sense of humor, and deep heart for people to find hope and joy in the midst of their struggles.  I learn so much from her and am so grateful she was willing to share her tips and suggestions in this post! 

Dealing with anxiety and depression on any level can be one of the hardest things anyone can face in this crazy life. When you’re going through a journey of mental illness, it can feel incredibly overwhelming, confusing, isolating—like it will never end.

But it can be even more confusing and overwhelming for those on the sideline in the life of someone struggling with mental illness. You may not know what to say or do, because it’s uncomfortable and awkward. Friends are not themselves. The smiles and laughers are gone, and you are met with quiet, blank stares, hysterical tears or self-depreciating comments that are so stubborn that they will not budge no matter how many compliments you shower them with. It can be tempting to walk away.

Through my years of anxiety and depression, I have had people walk alongside me in these shadowy times, in ways that were both help and not so helpful. So here are my top tips for how to support and challenge your friend with anxiety or depression:

1) Watch Your Language

The way you speak to and about your friend’s mental illness is important. If they are truly experiencing anxiety and depression, it’s important to not tell them they are “just sad” if they are experiencing depression, or “just worried” if they have anxiety. Remember that if your friend is dealing with true anxiety or depression, this is a condition, just like any other illness.

It’s also important to refer to your friend as “having depression” instead of being “depressed”. They are not their depression or anxiety. Mental illness is so overwhelming that it can feel like it’s who you are. There’s a fine line between not validating their situation and enabling them to victimize themselves.

2) Don’t Take It Personal

Anxiety and depression turns you into someone you aren’t. It can overwhelm and numb your brain and zap your energy. Your friend may be more irritable than usual, uninterested in things you used to enjoy together and they may cancel plans suddenly and with no reason. People experiencing anxiety and depression can be hard to love, but please don’t take it personally. It’s not right and it’s not about you. But it’s uncontrollable and it’s their anxiety or depression talking—not your friend. Be gracious, be forgiving and know, please, that it is not about you.

3) Ask Questions, Listen, and Then Follow Up

Talking at someone is the least helpful thing in the world. Ask questions like, “Can you put words to the way you are feeling?”, “What do you think would help you get through this season?”, “What’s hardest about this season?” and “What can I do to help you?” (not “Can I help you?”—people who are depressed often try to avoid feeling like a burden. If you ask a “yes or no” question, you give them the option to make a choice about whether they want to ‘burden’ you or not. Assume they will say yes and see what happens!) If you get an answer, the MOST important part is following up. A quick text or call says, “I didn’t forgot our conversation. You’re on my mind and I care about you”

4) Bring Some Sunshine

Leave a nice note. Surprise them with a gift. Send an encouraging text message. Bring over dinner. Once, when in a dark depression, a friend dressed up as Santa Clause (complete with beard and pillow stuffed up her shirt), showed up at our house with all our wedding photos printed out (over 300!) and a beautiful photo frame. She didn’t ask if it was okay if she came over. She just did and she brought sunshine.

5) Lovingly Push Them One Step At A Time

When you’re depressed, you barely want to get out of bed, let alone continue to live life as normal. Sometimes, it takes someone deciding to be your mom and draw open the curtains, throw back the covers and say, “Hey, I know you don’t want to do today. But you can. I will help you, but you’ve got to meet me halfway. First, step is getting out of bed.” Pick your battles, though.

6) Learn But Don’t Assume You Know

Learn as much as you can about depression and anxiety. Research it. Talk to other people who you know deal with it. Read blogs. Watch videos. The more you know about these disease, the better you can look at the behavior and say, “That’s depression talking. Not my friend” However, everyone’s experience is different. So bear that in mind.

7) Don’t Be Afraid To Reach Out

If your friend is talking about self-harm, suicide or homicide, get help immediately. You are not a counselor, a therapist, a doctor or an emergency responder. You need to reach out to a close family member of your friend or a health care professional. Even if your friend begs, you have to reach out to someone else. You can’t do it alone.

8) Take Time For YOU!

Can I just take a second and on behalf of your friend and people struggling with this awful illness everywhere, THANK YOU. Thank you for staying up late with us, for worrying about us, for pulling us out of bed, for bringing surprises and for being there for us. Make sure you take care of you. You deserve it. And if you don’t take care of yourself, you’ll never be able to help anyone else. So please, take time for you.

Make sure to check out Annie’s blog to hear more of her sweet, funny, and oh so wise musings!