Welcome to this week’sWomanly Wednesday! When I found Amberly’s blog a few months back, I spent WAY too much time scrolling through all her old posts about marriage. I love her wise heart to see wives fight for real, honest, and loving communication and connection in their marriages and have learned a lot from her posts. Even though I’m not in this stage she describes here yet, I love her honest words about what it’s looked like to wrestle with her identity as a mama when it comes to breastfeeding. Thanks for sharing your story, Amberly!
A couple of years ago, I attended a class on breastfeeding as an assignment for the Prenatal and Infant Nutrition class that I was taking. I wasn’t in the mindset of having kids of my own yet, but it was one of the most educational couple hours of my life and afterward, I made the solid decision that I would be nursing all of my kids in the future. The lactation consultant who taught that night filled us with valuable information about the benefits of breastfeeding, techniques and helpful hints for making it a smooth experience. I took a lot of notes and just knew that I would be so good at this when I had my own child. Other moms made breastfeeding look so easy, so I was bound to be a natural at it. Never did I think that breastfeeding and milk production would make me feel insecure and inferior and bring up feelings of jealousy toward other women.
My baby boy, Bensen, ended up being a bottle fed baby pretty much from the beginning. Because he had jaundice, he liked to sleep the day away and didn’t have any interest in food. The doctor told us to feed him a certain amount of food at specific time increments until he decided to wake up regularly and eat on his own. This lasted two or three weeks, and it was actually kind of convenient. My baby was one who liked to fall asleep while nursing so one feeding could take an hour or more. When we started bottle feeding him, I could pump and feed him a bottle in less time that it usually took to nurse him. It also allowed my husband to be to be more involved and the two of us to take turns with late night feedings.
I knew that having a baby who was willing to take a bottle would make our lives a little bit easier. We were able to leave him with my mom for the first time at a week and a half old to go see a movie together. When he was six weeks old, my mom offered to take him overnight so that we could get some sleep and enjoy our four year anniversary together. And because I planned on going back to work after my maternity leave was over, I knew that it was a transition we were going to have to make. But I still planned on nursing my son for as long as I possibly could.
By the time Bensen was interested enough in eating on a regular basis and had gained enough weight to satisfy the doctor, I developed mastitis. I had to mentally prepare myself before I pumped every time so I wasn’t in the mindset to work through both of us learning to nurse again. After I’d recovered from that evil infection, we tried nursing a few times, but once again, Bensen would fall asleep while eating and then unlatch when he woke himself up and start screaming because he was frustrated. It was tough on both of us, and some nights, rather than pushing through, I’d give up and give him a bottle. At seven weeks old, after my first week back to work, Bensen boy decided that it would be the perfect time to catch onto eating from something other than a bottle, but my supply had decreased, and no matter what I tried or how religiously I pumped, it wouldn’t come back.
After four weeks of pumping religiously, writing down every ounce that I produced and trying every trick in the book to increase my supply, I was tired and frustrated. My supply wasn’t budging and on some days, was extremely low. Breastfeeding was honestly one of the hardest things I’d ever done, and even though I was nursing Bensen at night, I still had to feed him a bottle before bed as well because I just wasn’t making enough to keep him happy and fed on my own. We made the decision to supplement with formula and that took some of the pressure off of me, but I was still obsessed with recording how much I pumped each day, while secretly hoping that my situation would magically improve and I could fill my freezer to overflowing with bags of milk like I’ve seen some people do. I finally decided, after a little coaxing from my mom, that we would all be better off if I quit. At first I told myself that I would pump twice a day and supplement his formula with that, but that didn’t end up happening and three days after I made my decision, I was completely done.
Those three days were worse than post partum. The transition to being exclusively formula fed as what little stock pile I had depleted was hard on Bensen and I became and I was an emotional wreck because of that. I blame underlying hormones from other things going on for a lot of the emotional trauma I went through that week. Nursing was never my favorite because I didn’t have the patience to sit through the hour long event that Bensen turned it into. He’d been fed for so long from a bottle, but for some reason, knowing that there was something different in the bottle was hard on me. I guess I felt inadequate as a mother and I kept thinking back to all of the things that I could have done differently from day one that probably would have made the journey more successful for me. I was jealous of women who produced enough in one sitting for that feeding plus storage. In that 20-30 minute stretch, they were producing as much as I did in an entire day.
One night found me curled up in a ball in the chair in Bensen’s room, sobbing while he sat in my arms screaming because his belly was so uncomfortable. Apparently my tears were comforting to him because he quieted down and I was left there sobbing to Joe that it was all my fault that he was in pain because I couldn’t give him the food that he needed to keep his tummy happy. I also all of the sudden self-conscious and inadequate when feeding my baby in public. He’d always taken a bottle when we were out and about, but when I began adding water to the formula, it felt like an outward sign that I had failed as a mother, even though I knew that wasn’t true.
In the beginning, I may have been disappointed with myself but I don’t regret quitting one bit. After making the transition, I felt like I was a better wife and mother. My husband and I traded off nights getting up with Bensen, so we weren’t as tired and there wasn’t as much resentment toward each other. Our baby began sleeping 6+ hours a night, so that extra sleep helped us and me. I know most people say that nursing is a bonding experience for them and their baby, but for me, that was never really the case. Within a few weeks of quitting and not having to worry about my supply, I was more relaxed around Bensen and we were able to have a lot more fun together. My life was no longer consumed by pumping and feeding so I had more time to spend with my husband and my son, doing the things that we enjoyed.
My experience with breastfeeding wasn’t a great one this time around, but I’m determined to try again with future children. After my emotions had calmed down, I wrote a list of things that I want to do differently from day one that I hope will make the whole thing more successful and enjoyable for all parties involved. I’m not going to let this experience sour my opinion of breastfeeding or my confidence in my own success as a mother. In the end, the thing that matters most is that my baby is fed and healthy. I wanted to share this story in hopes that other women in my same situation will know that it’s ok! Supply and your ability to nurse don’t define your worth as a woman or a mother. Whether your produce nothing at all or have a freezer stock full of extra milk within a few weeks of your baby’s life, you are a good mother! Your kids will love you no matter what!
Make sure to check out Amberly’s blog or follow her to get updates on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, or Periscope. Thanks for stopping by this week’s Womanly Wednesday!
This honesty and perspective are so refreshing! I’m hoping to breastfeed when our baby comes in January, but it’s SO reassuring to know that if it doesn’t work out, I’m not the only one. 🙂
Julie Hood recently posted…a lazy girl’s beauty routine
Me too, Julie! You and I will have to swap stories about how it all goes 🙂
Lauren recently posted…6 Ways To Invest In Your Blog
I hope it goes smoothly for you as well Julie! I’m hoping next time goes better for me because I really did want to nurse. Five months after quitting, I still sometimes have guilt every time I buy formula and look at that cost, but I know that I did what was right for me 🙂
Amberly recently posted…The Perks of Being a Mom
First of all- I Love the name Bensen! Can I steal that name for my future child?! Second of all- he is so beautiful. Third of all-don’t take it so hard! You are doing the best you can. I nannied for a family with twin infants and she didn’t breastfeed either- and she was a wonderful mother. It’s a choice, and it doesn’t work perfectly for each mother. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom! So glad you realize this. I admire your strength!
Chelsea recently posted…The Single Excuse That Is Holding You Back From Seeing the World {and Why It’s BS!}
You can definitely steal it, and thank you! After a few weeks, I was over my guilt for the most part and I knew that we were better off with the choice I made. That weekend when I made the decision was one of the hardest of my life though!
Amberly recently posted…The Perks of Being a Mom
Thank you for this post! I had similar experiences as you and it was so difficult for me as well. In the end I felt the exact same as you, as I didn’t regret quitting either…I felt more connected to my daughter once I had made the decision to quit (as difficult as that was!) One really hard part for me as well was that I felt completely alone in it. It felt like everybody else was able to breastfeed and no one quit except for me. It so comforting to hear your story and to know that I was not alone! So thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for sharing!!! I am sure it will be so helpful for many women.
I also wrote about my experience and you can read about it here:
http://herviewfromhome.com/love-is-best/
Esther Vandersluis recently posted…Regular Devotions are NOT Easy
Thanks for sharing, Esther! I love hearing different perspectives because it reminds me that no matter what happens when our own baby arrives, I can still be a good, loving mom. Thanks for sharing your perspective!
Lauren recently posted…6 Ways To Invest In Your Blog
It did feel like I was the only one not doing it, but I’ve found so many people in my same boat, and we’ve all had different timelines for quitting.
Amberly recently posted…The Perks of Being a Mom
This was so beautifully written. I get so sad when people judge moms for feeding their baby formula. It is easy to feel like a failure but you’re not! You’re a wonderful mother for doing what’s best for your baby and you! I’m so happy your relationship with Benson improved. We’ve given our daughter formula off and on from the start
Raewyn recently posted…4 Months!
It is sad when people judge. I’m sure I wasn’t judged like I thought, it just felt that way sometimes, I was just self-conscious about it. As long as your baby is healthy and happy, people should be proud of the job you’re doing!
Amberly recently posted…The Perks of Being a Mom
I was convinced I would breastfeed for a year – no matter what! Then I had children. My first had about the EXACT opposite problem of Bensen. He loved to nurse every hour and a half, around the clock! If I’d nurse and follow up with a pumping session, it was like he knew there was milk available and would scream until he ate that too. So I was never able to pump ahead so that daddy could take a night time feeding and let me sleep for 3 hours straight. I ended up incorporating formula at 3 months out of desperation and lack of sleep. We weaned him slowly and the last day I breastfed was actually one of the HAPPIEST days of my life! Now I’m 33 weeks pregnant with boy #2 and I have such a different attitude about breastfeeding: Yes, we’ll try it. Yes, I’ll commit to six weeks (when there’s all that good colostrum in the milk!) but if it stresses me out like it did with my first baby, we’ll incorporate formula again. Happy mommy, happy baby, happy family!
Paige @ An Uncomplicated Life Blog recently posted…Essential Oils for Improved Wellness This Winter Season
I feel like so many wise parents start sentences with the phrase “I was so convinced I would ______ until I became a parent.” So much changes when you actually meet your kid and figure out the realities facing you as a parent! I’m so glad y’all found a balance and are clinging to that truth that you are a good mama for doing whatever you can to love your babies and keep you all healthy!
Lauren recently posted…6 Ways To Invest In Your Blog
That would be so tiring and stressful in its own way! I’ve had quite a few friends like that and considered myself lucky/blessed that I was able to have flexibility and a little freedom because he would take a bottle. Good luck with your next baby! I hope it goes well!
Amberly recently posted…The Perks of Being a Mom
I didn’t have any luck breastfeeding with my son, Benson 😉 He had formula from the get-go and pumping was the biggest pain for me. I only pumped for as long as I did because I felt that same pressure to give my son the food that was best if it was available. By the end I was only getting an ounce or two a day-when my son would drink at least 5 oz. a feeding. It was too much work and pressure and I was so much happier when I gave it up.
In the end, you have to do what’s best for you and baby. I’ve never heard of a child being upset that they weren’t exclusively breast fed. In the end your kids will love you for caring for them the best you knew how.
Rebekah recently posted…How to wear combat boots: Feminine
Amen, Rebekah! As long as you do what’s best for your baby and healthy for both of you, I’d say you’re being an awesome mama 🙂
Lauren recently posted…6 Ways To Invest In Your Blog
Yes! That is exactly how I felt, stress and pressure to produce, and frustration when I didn’t. I’ve had friends pump and supplement where needed with formula, but I started hating those pumping sessions, they took chunks out of my day and felt pointless because especially while I was at work, I was lucky if I got 2 ounce each pumping session. I’m glad to hear that I’m not alone.
Amberly recently posted…The Perks of Being a Mom
I ABSOLUTELY love this. I have had so many friends deal with that “shame” of “failing” breastfeeding and it breaks my heart to see others down on them for how they choose (or sometimes don’t choose) to feed their babies. I got to breastfeed for 19 months so far, but I remember how hard those first few weeks were and I wish sometimes I hadn’t pushed so stubbornly through them…I would have enjoyed the first few months of my sons like a lot more if that pain hadn’t been there.
Lauren Jane recently posted…National Adoption Month.
Isn’t it crazy? To some degree it’s out of our control as women what our bodies do in that season. It’s so great that you were able to breastfeed for that long but I love that you can still see the heart and perspective of mama’s who can’t. Thanks for reading, Lauren!
Lauren recently posted…6 Ways To Invest In Your Blog
Good for you for pushing through and having such a successful time with it! I seriously admire women who nurse so much more after my experience! It’s a big sacrifice of time and other things.
Amberly recently posted…The Perks of Being a Mom
I love the honesty!! The first thing I tell all my first time mom friends is breastfeeding is hard! I think being honest is so important! In the end as long as everyone is happy and fed you do what you gotta do. We had struggles with breastfeeding too. Good work mama!! I love that you aren’t giving up with the future kiddos!
Katie @thebrooksielife recently posted…Happenings Lately
Yes! I’m glad you share that truth with new mama’s. I’m sure I will have my share of struggles when we embark on the breastfeeding journey in March!
Lauren recently posted…6 Ways To Invest In Your Blog
Thank you Katie! I always feel a little bit more sure of myself when I hear that I’m not alone 🙂
Amberly recently posted…The Perks of Being a Mom
Love you, Amberly! I knew part of this story from what you’ve shared on your own blog, but I’m so glad you shared so much here. I can only imagine that I would experience the same feelings of inadequacy in your situation. Even if I new rationally that my worth is not in how much milk I provide (as it seems you did to), the feelings would still be there, I’m sure. It’s just one of those things we women think about.
Charlene recently posted…Thankful Thursday: Giving Thanks for the Ordinary
I always joke that I never knew I would have body comparison issues with how much milk I could produce. But I remember someone telling me how she would feed her baby and then pump 10-15 ounces in addition to that and I had major body shame/jealousy from it. Haha, it sounds so ridiculous sometimes when I think about it!
Amberly recently posted…The Perks of Being a Mom
There is so much back and forth about breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding, and I hate that it all ends up coming to one choice reflecting on how good of a mother someone is. It’s just so sad. Your child relies on you to feed him or her, regardless of the manner. That’s it, like Amberly said. I’m sorry it didn’t work out for her the way she hoped, but her son is adorable and healthy!
It really is so crazy! I wish we could remove that element of comparison and start assuming that every mom is doing the best she can for her children and her family.
Lauren recently posted…6 Ways To Invest In Your Blog
Thank you Kayla! I’m with Lauren, I wish the comparison thing was gone. we’re all doing the best we can in this crazy world of parenting!
Amberly recently posted…The Perks of Being a Mom