Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Serial Dating And Loneliness

Welcome to this week’s Womanly Wednesday! This week’s guest poster, Rachel, was a student at the high school where I led Young Life.  It has been amazing to watch her run after a life of fullness and joy in Jesus, even if  I didn’t know her all that well in her high school days.  As someone who wrestled with serial dating myself back in the day, I love how she describes that struggle and the hope she has found in the midst of it here.  You can check out Rachel’s beautiful photography website here! Thanks for sharing your story, Rachel! 

I was that girl who either continually had a crush or was constantly dating a guy in middle school and high school. I found my identity in boys and relationships. I loved the idea of always having someone to watch movies with, someone who would give me their sweatshirt at a Friday night football game and always having someone to text. I was a “serial dater.” The longest high school relationship I had was seven months. The shortest was two weeks. Commitment and settling was a big no-no in my book.

When one relationship ended I feared the idea of not having any attention so I was constantly looking for a “new guy”.

A few months into college I ended up meeting a guy who I was interested in and wanted to pursue me. I was timid so I nagged one of my sorority sisters who happened to be a mutual friend to set us up on a date. A few weeks later we were texting, having lunch together and staying up until 2 am watching movies. Before the end of our first semester of college ended we were “officially” dating. We hung out every minute we weren’t in class or working. He became my go-to, my best friend and “my idol.” We did everything together.

Naturally I expected more and more out of him wanting him to be my “prince charming”. The problem was that he couldn’t. I started going to him about my “girl problems” and expecting him to help me through them  (we all know we need our girl friend time). Little by little I felt more let down and more alone.

The following summer between my freshmen and sophomore year I started to grow in my relationship with Jesus.

The relationship with my boyfriend started to fall apart, we ended up breaking up for about a week until I realized I didn’t want to be alone anymore. We decided to get back together, but nothing had changed. I was constantly opening my schedule hoping he would want to spend time with me but he didn’t. Our first week of sophomore year started and I couldn’t have felt more alone. I expected him to help me move into my apartment. He didn’t. I wanted him to checkout my new room once everything was organized and unpacked. He didn’t.

I was tired of feeling like I was a burden and not enough. We broke up for the second time and he walked away without a tear. I was miserable. My roommates comforted me every night that I cried. The worst part of all was that I still felt so lonely. Even though I had 150 sorority sisters, three roommates and my family who was only 20 minutes away, I still had never felt so alone.

For the next two months I tried to fill that empty void of loneliness and pain with beer, parties, and boys. I was constantly looking for attention from guys and tried to prove to everyone I felt and looked great from the outside, but on the inside I desperately needed something or someone more.

October 11^th 2013 was the first day I felt pursed from someone who I wasn’t trying to get attention from.

It was Jesus.

That day I was driving around and I was listening to a worship song called “One Thing Remains” and felt the Lord calling me. I felt Him pursue me and I was reminded that He still wanted me even after I chose everything else over Him. So I began to pray to Him more and I started reading my bible.

There were two different ministries at UNC Charlotte I started to go to once a week in hopes that I would learn more about Jesus and that I could build new friendships without the desire to date.

It wasn’t before long my ex-boyfriend wanted me back. Of course I loved the idea of feeling loved and not being alone so I was willing to risk my heart for him. I began to pray for our relationship together asking Jesus to make it work if He wanted it to. Two weeks after we started dating again (we didn’t want everyone to know we were trying to fix our relationship) we both had semi-formals and agreed to not take each other but a friend. I took a nice, sweet guy I knew from bible study and he took one of my sorority sisters I approved of. A few days after the formal I learned that he had cheated on me with my sorority sister. The pit of my stomach dropped to the ground and the waterworks started. It was worse than ending a relationship. Not only did I feel lonely, I felt replaced.

I had never felt so emotionally in pain. For three weeks I would sleep as much as I could, skipped classes, school assignments, and sorority functions. A month later I was diagnosed with depression, failed a few classes, was put on academic probation, my parents stopped paying for my rent and college because I wasn’t doing well, and I ended up dropping my sorority. Everything that I thought I needed to make me feel loved and cared for was nothing, but temporary.

Some how in the midst of all of the pain I came to the realization that God was doing something in my life. He taught me that the only someone I needed love, attention, and advice from was Him. Unfortunately life was still hard, but it slowly lightened up. I continued to pursue my relationship with Jesus, grow with Him, and feel loved (without being in a dating relationship!).

I soon realized that there will be no guy out there that will be able to love me and provide for me the way the Lord does (there ARE awesome guys out there!) I learned that I didn’t NEED to be in a dating relationship to feel important or loved. I want all you ladies who are out there reading my story with the fear of being alone I want you to know that you’re not. I want you to know that you are more than enough. I encourage you to find your joy and worth in Jesus because He wants you to know it more than anything!