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How Perfectionism and High Expectations Impacted Our Marriage

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For as long as I can remember, I have been a perfectionist.  As an elementary schooler, I made my mom braid my hair over and over until it was free of even the smallest bump.  In middle school and high school, I poured all that perfectionist energy into being the all-around perfect student: excellent grades, perfect friends, and the perfect youth group girl.  Even in college when God started to strip me of some of those tendencies, I still tried to be the perfect example of Christian ministry, doing all I could to be the best youth leader I could be.  None of those things brought me the wholeness and fullness I desired, but I still kept running after them.

As you can probably imagine, when I got engaged and married a year after I graduated college, my perfectionism didn’t exactly go away.

Perfectionism and High Expectations In Marriage

Perfectionism In Marriage

I started pouring all my energy into making sure my marriage was perfect and lived up to all the expectations I had for our new life as husband and wife.  I expected my husband to be the most loving, romantic, and thoughtful husband that ever existed.  I expected myself to be the most humble, loving, and encouraging wife in the history of wives.

I expected everything about our marriage, from the companionship and adventure to intimacy and communication, to fill me and finally make me feel whole in all the ways being the perfect student or youth leader never had.  And it completely blew up in our faces.

My husband felt weighed down by the heavy expectations I was placing on his shoulders, even if I didn’t realize it.  He felt like no matter what he did, he couldn’t live up to my expectations, so he was failing me as a husband.  I felt a gnawing discontent starting to grow in my heart. I felt guilty for weighing Jordan down with my expectations but I didn’t know how to stop.  I was deeply disappointed that marriage hadn’t filled me in all the ways I hoped it would and I grew angry at God for not “fixing” my marriage so it would live up to my expectations.

The high expectations I had of my marriage and my husband led to a season of deep discontent and distance from God that ultimately turned into depression, and after almost a year of marriage, we decided to seek marriage counseling.

Perfectionism And High Expectations In Marriage 2

How Counseling Helped Us Process Expectations

I’ll be honest, meeting with a counselor was not easy. She didn’t just give us a list of things to try to figure things out and “fix” the places where we were hurting and broken, which is maybe what my perfectionist self would have preferred.  Instead, she asked us real questions about the expectations we had of each other, of marriage, and of God.  And the deeper we dove into those issues, the more we started to see places where our expectations were hurting us.

We saw how our expectations of each other led us to feel like failures in marriage and in general.  We saw how our expectations of marriage were unrealistic and built marriage up to be an idol that could fill us and satisfy us in a way it was never meant to do.  And finally, I started to see how my expectation that God mold my life to fit my standards of perfection was leading to a lack of trust, distance, and even frustration and anger in my relationship with Him.

Perfectionism And High Expectations In Marriage 2

Our counselor helped clear away the hurt and confusion that had built up during that first year so we could see more clearly God’s heart for us and for our marriage.  We saw that while He deeply loves us and desires for our marriage to be healthy and beautiful, His ultimate heart is that we would find our satisfaction and wholeness in Him.

Just like being the perfect student or the perfect Christian never filled me, being the perfect wife with the perfect marriage wasn’t enough to make my heart whole.  Walking through counseling helped me and my husband to stop looking to each other and marriage to fill us, and instead to turn to Jesus over and over with our identities, our longings, and our disappointments.

Moving Forward

If you and your significant other wrestle with this too, I hope you’ll take the time to sit down and dive into what expectations you have that you might not be aware of.  Sit down with a journal or take a walk and process some of these questions, then talk through it with your spouse as gently and lovingly as you can.

  1. If you feel disappointed in your spouse, where does the disappointment come from? What did you expect them to do or say that they did not do or say?
  2. Why do you expect your spouse to do that certain thing? Where does that expectation come from?
  3. Why does your spouse’s “failure” to live up to a certain expectation impact you so strongly? What are you interpreting their actions or lack of action to mean about you or their heart for you?
  4. Is this expectation something that your spouse is actually able to fill or are you expecting them to fill you and meet your needs in ways they aren’t designed to do?

Sometimes an expectation as simple as who does the dishes can lead to deeply held bitterness that can impact us in so many ways.  Take the time to process through where your expectations are impacting your marriage and I know you will see growth as a result of those conversations.

Our struggle with expectations still pops up from time to time, but we’re learning to let those hard moments point us to Jesus instead of away from Him.  Our spouses will never be perfect and neither will we, and learning to clearly express some expectations and humbly let go of others is one of the many ways marriage can draw us out of ourselves and into something greater.  Our marriage reminds us over and over that He is the only one who can fill the longings for perfection in our hearts, and that the joy we find in each other is just a tiny glimpse of the joy and fullness He offers. And that, my friends, is so sweet.

What kinds of expectations have you and your significant other wrestled with? How have you found peace or reconciliation in the midst of those things?

Perfectionism and high expectations in marriage can lead to all sorts of bitterness. This article explores how to move past them to love our spouses and significant others well!

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Comments

  1. I distinctly remember, long ago when my husband and I were just friends, he said he thought that high expectations were too often a source of discontent and unhappiness, and that’s why he kept his expectations for life in general pretty low, and was always satisfied. I thought that was a really weird way to go about life, and I’ve been known to err more on the perfectionism side of the spectrum, but after all these years, I’ve come to really appreciate my husband’s skill of just being content with whatever life is like at the moment. He’s helped balance me out greatly. 🙂
    Rachel G recently posted…Gallery Wall for Renters + Awesome Prank IdeaMy Profile

    • It’s such a hard balance. Like you said, we want to have some expectations so that we can grow and people and relationships can grow, but we also want to learn to be content and let go of expectations so people have space to be imperfect. I’m so glad your husband is helping you to grow in that area! I know my hubby has helped me grow a lot too!
      Lauren recently posted…How Perfectionism and High Expectations Impacted Our MarriageMy Profile

  2. Lauren, I can resonate with perfectionsim. I giggled at your comment how ever since you were an elementary school girl, you would be upset with your mom if there was a bump in your hair. I was THAT girl as well. I am so glad that you two decided to seek marriage counseling. I’m in a counseling program right now and have never realized how important counseling really is until I started my training. For a lot of people, it pushes couples away, so I’m really happy to hear that it helped you. And thanks again for a lovely, honest piece.
    Chelsea recently posted…How to Throw a Holiday Themed Wine NightMy Profile

    • Haha so glad to know I’m not alone in my childhood OCD moments like that 😉 Counseling really is such a great thing to help couples grow. I wish every married couple could do yearly counseling just to check in and work through issues they otherwise might ignore! I’m so glad you’re jumping into that world. You’ll be an awesome counselor and your blog is such a great way to normalize counseling and the kinds of things people do and learn there!
      Lauren recently posted…How Perfectionism and High Expectations Impacted Our MarriageMy Profile

  3. I LOVE your raw vulnerability in this post. I pinned this for the future. As a single gal this was so beautiful and encouraging to read. Thank you so much for being brave and sharing your story!!!!

  6. Thank you so much for sharing this post. I have a tendency to put expectations on my husband and then I’m easily frustrated when he doesn’t meet them. I’ve really been working on myself, and trying not to do this. We have also tried recently to sit down and really talk out things which has been a great help.
    Faith recently posted…The Real Me … Who Is She?My Profile

  7. Great post! I seriously think we are soul-twins! I’m right there with you in that struggle. I’ve really been wrestling with this lately and I really appreciate your insight on it. My husband is a pretty laid-back guy but I am a perfectionist with A LOT of expectations. It’s so good to be reminded that I need to let some of them go, talk to him about the others, and ultimately remember that my hubby is not meant to fill me.
    Kristin C recently posted…Mug-spiration Monday *Vol. 18*My Profile

  8. This is so insightful, Lauren. As a recovering perfectionist I certainly struggled in the early years of Aaron’s and my relationship… everything seemed to fall short. I’ve learned to celebrate and experience joy even in moments where things don’t go my way.
    By the way, I wrote a post on how perfectionism in general can be stealing our joy. I think it’s relevant here so I hope you don’t mind me sharing it with you! 🙂 http://simplicityrelished.com/perfectionism-stealing-joy/
    Daisy @ Simplicity Relished recently posted…Essential Oils 101 (+ a giveaway!)My Profile

  9. Thanks so much for this post, and thanks for not being afraid to ask for help when it was needed. My husband and I sought out a counsellor when I was diagnosed with Bipolar because we just weren’t handling things well by ourselves. And honestly, it was the BEST decision we could have ever made. It wasn’t that we wanted someone to fix us, but rather to have someone listen to us and help us to work through the ruts together, to help us hear each other out. I don’t think God created us to go through this life alone. We need a community to surround us and support and help us through the hard times, and to rejoice and celebrate with us during the good. That doesn’t mean that we need to consult everyone with our deepest problems, but having that one person, or that one counsellor to give us some insight is sometimes what we need the most. So, again, thank you!
    Danielle recently posted…Dyeing with Black TeaMy Profile

    • I am SO glad that you guys sought counseling too! That’s so much to work through and having someone to help redirect conversations into healthy places can be so helpful. And AMEN sister…community is SO important to help us get through those things! Thanks for your sweet and honest comment, Danielle. I’m so glad to meet someone else fighting the good fight for intimacy in marriage even when it’s hard!
      Lauren recently posted…How Perfectionism and High Expectations Impacted Our MarriageMy Profile

  10. This post was so incredibly helpful! We did an expectations exercise in our premarital counseling with church, but it’s definitely something I would even revisit now that we’ve been married a little while. Making sure we both know what we’re expecting from the other is so important. Thank you so much for this!

  12. My expectations are more for myself and that’s where I feel like I am lacking. There aren’t enough hours in the day to get it “all done” and be my version of a perfect wife. I have to remember to give myself grace when life is busy and remember that he doesn’t care if I have everything perfectly dusted on a weekly basis.

  13. I love this post! I’m a huge perfectionist. But I’m strange about it in my marriage. I don’t necessarily have super high expectations of Zack. I love who he is as a person and I accept all of his “flaws” and all of that without any issues. I don’t expect him to be someone he’s not. He’s an amazing husband and I couldn’t be more appreciative of him. But I have SUPER high expectations of myself as a wife. It really stresses me out sometimes. I just want to be superwoman and easily be able to balance everything life throws at me and I just can’t. It’s hard to cope with sometimes, but I’m learning.

    • Ahhh that’s so hard too! I’ve definitely been there and beat myself up when I feel like I’m failing or not loving Jordan well. It’s so hard to let go of our own expectations of ourselves and realize no one else is expecting those things of us! Definitely a lesson I need to learn pretty frequently.
      Lauren recently posted…6 Ways To Invest In Your BlogMy Profile

  14. So one – I think it was incredibly brave of you guys to go to counseling less than a year into your marriage. A lot of people would have pushed the issues aside, but you didn’t. That said, my husband and I struggle with expectations sometimes, especially now that we’re parents. There’s often a lot we need to do in the evenings to get ready for the next day, and sometimes I get irritated at him for not helping me… when I haven’t even told him I want help! It’s something I’ve really tried to be a lot more mindful of lately, but I know I’ll always have to work at it. I firmly believe that marriage isn’t meant to be perfect, but a journey where you grow and learn along the way..
    Jess Beer recently posted…It’s Just a Cup, Not a War on ChristmasMy Profile

    • Thanks, Jess, I appreciate that! It was hard but I’m so glad we made that choice. I bet being parents adds a whole new world of expectations and frustrations. And I love that last line of your comment…as long as we’re learning and growing together, perfection isn’t the goal at all!
      Lauren recently posted…6 Ways To Invest In Your BlogMy Profile

  15. Such a beautiful post. Thank you for writing it 🙂

    The Mr. and I are cohabiting but not married (yet) but I’m definitely a perfectionist and he… is generally pretty amused by my planning and perfectionist ways.

    He settles me though when it comes to the two of us and we’ve grown into our expectations of each other in the last year and a half of living together. It was definitely touch and go at first though until we found our rhythm and really learned each other.

    I think time, perseverance, love and guidance are the best remedies 🙂
    Laura recently posted…Packing Tips! For An All Inclusive, Beach VacationMy Profile

    • Thanks, Laura! My husband always laughs at my ridiculous plans and schedules, especially when we’re traveling! I love that the two of you help balance each other out in that way. And you’e so right, time and perseverance can help us learn to love each other well!
      Lauren recently posted…6 Ways To Invest In Your BlogMy Profile

    • It’s so hard not to lay on the guilt to our husbands, isn’t it? We’ve definitely seen how much we can hurt each other if we’re not careful and intentional with our words and actions. Counseling was so great and I’m so glad we took the leap to do it!
      Lauren recently posted…6 Ways To Invest In Your BlogMy Profile

  20. What a beautiful, honest post. I appreciate how you’re always willing to share your triumphs and struggles with everyone; I know a lot of people can relate. I commend you for taking action when you recognized there were struggles you weren’t happy with. I think many people would just ignore it instead of putting in the work.
    Lindsay recently posted…November Fashion (part 1)My Profile

    • Thanks, Lindsay! I have learned so much from other bloggers who are vulnerable and share their stories and I always try to do the same. 🙂 Thanks for your sweet words! I’m so glad we’ve put in the work to fight for our marriage. We’ve definitely seen fruit as a result!
      Lauren recently posted…6 Ways To Invest In Your BlogMy Profile

  22. This is such an awesome post, Lauren! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on perfectionism and your struggles with it in marriage… I didn’t really realize how much of a perfectionist I was until I graduated college and began teaching (and we got married a year after graduating, too!). I felt I never was doing enough as a new teacher, and I felt overwhelmed by wedding planning. Of course, I carried perfectionism and expectations into my marriage, so we’ve definitely had to revisit and work through some of my expectations. And I’m still learning that some things are not the end of the world. It’s a difficult balance, as I strive for excellence in everything. 🙂 But it is a battle that we can daily choose to fight through, with God on our side, whispering to us where our true value and worth comes from! I so appreciate this post, Lauren, and your thoughts! Thank you!
    Hannah Olson recently posted…My Favorite People to Follow For Photography InspirationMy Profile

    • Thanks, Hannah! Our stories are so similar with marriage and teaching. 🙂 It’s such a journey and I’m glad to know we’re not the only ones who’ve had to spend a lot of time working through it! It reminds us over and over that our true worth comes from something greater, just like you said!
      Lauren recently posted…6 Ways To Invest In Your BlogMy Profile

  23. I struggle with the perfectionism thing in many ways as well. And I know I set some expectations at the beginning of our marriage that were unhealthy and ultimately lead to a lot of issues in that first year as well. I’m working on those expectations, but it’s also a good reminder to look at my other ones too–like that my husband should always do the yard work (because my dad did the yard work so I see that as the role of the man). Things like that are hard to let go of because I’ve been seeing them all my life. But after 2.5 years, we’re finally starting to find our rhythm. It’s still difficult sometimes, but we’re working together to make it better.
    Megan Gonzalez recently posted…Tissue Paper Wall ArtMy Profile

    • We’ve wrestled with things like yard work too. It’s crazy how much our expectations are shaped by what we saw in our own families growing up! I agree…after 2.5 years it feels like we’re starting to find more of our rhythm!
      Lauren recently posted…6 Ways To Invest In Your BlogMy Profile

  24. This is such an important reminder, Lauren. It’s so easy to place really high expectations on ourselves, our spouses, and marriage in general. I think it’s a big reason why so many newlyweds struggle so.

    Even after 20 years of marriage, I have to remind myself to loosen up and go with things. Not place overly high expectations on my spouse!
    Betsy de Cruz recently posted…The Most Important Thing to Do with Your KidsMy Profile

    • We’ve wrestled with things like yard work too. It’s crazy how much our expectations are shaped by what we saw in our own families growing up! I agree…after 2.5 years it feels like we’re starting to find more of our rhythm!
      Lauren recently posted…6 Ways To Invest In Your BlogMy Profile

  25. I definitely relate to this! I am SUCH a perfectionist, and when the worst of my anxiety hit, my perfectionism turned into a gnawing voice in my brain that made it impossible to leave the house if there were dishes in the sink, or if I spilled something on my shirt, I had to leave and go home to change in the middle of the day. It become EXHAUSTING. The Lord used Brandon to speak truth into my life, telling me that perfection was never expected of me. Good for you both to have the courage to seek counseling to make those changes! So proud of you for taking that step!

    • Oh man, perfectionism combined with anxiety is brutal for me too. That’s so hard, Annie! I’m so glad Brandon was able to love you and speak truth into your life in that season. Husbands are pretty good for that kind of thing, aren’t they? 🙂 Thanks for your sweet words!
      Lauren recently posted…6 Ways To Invest In Your BlogMy Profile

  26. We had to learn a lot about how to communicate frustration. I am a very open person, but my husband didn’t know how to verbalize frustration so he would just internalize. When we would have conflict, my husband would shell up. Since he was the product of divorced parents, he had felt that any disagreements or arguments were a sign of future divorce (it isn’t) and so he was constantly worried that expressing frustrations would open up that door. We were over at a friend’s house one night and they began laughing about a disagreement they had recently…I saw the look on my husband’s face turn to relief and after that he began opening up. We have both learned how to communicate better, but it has been really satisfying see him learn how to grow in this area!!
    Autumn recently posted…when your dreams changeMy Profile

    • We’ve struggled with that a lot too. Counseling definitely showed us how our parents’ conflicts styles shaped how we view conflict in our marriage now! i’m so glad you guys are coming to a place where conflict feels natural and okay, instead of a sign that the marriage is ending. That’s such a great place to be! Thanks for reading, Autumn!
      Lauren recently posted…6 Ways To Invest In Your BlogMy Profile

  27. Sometimes having high expectations in a spouse can trace to your family of origin. Your family expects a perfect son or daughter in law. If their son or daughter in law shows flaws in which they are human, not only you abuse them but your family abuses them as well. There are families that expect their children’s spouse to obey their expectations, you know.