Sobremesa Stories

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Five Tips For Living In An Introvert-Extrovert Marriage

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Even though according to Myers-Briggs I am an ENFJ, I am just one point away from being an “I” (aka introvert).  I identify pretty strongly with the introverts of the world.  I am social and love interacting with people, but it drains my energy more than it gives me life.  Having a whole day to myself or with one person is about as dreamy as it gets for me.  I love quiet, loud music and lots of background noise overwhelms me, and it usually takes me about 30 seconds to cut through the small talk and ask people deep questions about their hearts and lives.

Pretty early on, Jordan and I started to see how our personalities were different in this area.  If Jordan was gone for some reason, I almost always wanted to spend that night alone reading, watching TV, or just doing random things around the house by myself.  If I was gone, Jordan almost always thought of a friend to text, something to do, or a place to be.  My default was to choose to be alone and Jordan’s default was to invite people into our world.  And as you can imagine, we occasionally had some clashes.

Even though neither of us is an extreme extrovert or introvert, we still quickly realized one important thing we’d need to explore in our marriage: How do we learn to love and support each other while also giving ourselves the space to fill our emotional tanks like we are wired to do?

Personality differences in marriage can be challenging, but these five tips can help you work through your differences and grow together!

Over the course of these first few years of marriage, we’ve learned a lot about what it looks like to understand and love each other in this area.  These five things have slowly unfolded over these last 2.5 years and we continue to grow in them even now.  I have a feeling this will be a lifelong process, but these are a few key things we’ve learned so far.

Five Tips For Living In An Introvert-Extrovert Marriage

1) Don’t let your expectations define how you treat your spouse.

Just because I’d categorize myself as a mild introvert and Jordan as mild extrovert doesn’t mean we can’t occasionally swing toward the opposite ends of the spectrum.  The labels don’t always define us well.  Sometimes I crave time with people and sometimes Jordan needs time alone, even if this isn’t our default.  I love hosting and having people over for meals in our home, even if I can only do it once a week before starting to feel overwhelmed.  By the end of a long day of interacting with people, Jordan is exhausted relationally too and needs time to unwind before he can sit down and connect emotionally with me.  We both fall somewhere in the middle of the introvert-extrovert spectrum and need grace no matter how we’re feeling on a particular day.  By communicating about these needs and giving each other the space to breathe, we were able to love each other well both within and outside of the confines of a particular label.

2) Learn what your partner needs to function best in a given situation.

We had a tough few weeks at the start of school as we figured out what it looked like to love each other with Jordan’s new schedule of morning and afternoon cross-country practices that had him gone from 5:45 AM- 5:45 PM.  By the time Jordan got home, I’d had two hours to myself after work and felt recharged and ready to connect, where he had just finished his long day and needed some down time to unwind on his own.

After talking through it, we realized that Jordan sometimes needs some alone time when he got home to unwind a bit, whether that meant heading upstairs and taking a quick shower while I finished dinner or watching a quick show before we ate to give us both time to unwind.  By talking about this specific situation and figuring out why we’d both felt a little irritable and disconnected when he got home, we were able to address the issue and come up with a plan that helped both of us connect with timing that worked well for both of us.

3) Learn to love the things that fill your partner up emotionally.

Whether introverted or extroverted, everyone has different things that fill them up and give them energy.  My husband loves to run, bike, and be outside, and I struggled with the time this took away from time together when we were first married (like I described in this post on learning to love my husband’s hobbies).  Although it wasn’t an easy process, I’m learning to embrace Jordan’s hobbies because I know that they make him the man he is and that time spent away from me is incredibly valuable for his heart (and his body!).

Five Tips For Living In An Introvert Extrovert Marriage

Hubby and I at one of his triathlons in Colorado

In the same way, I rest and recharge in quiet, slow moments alone or with just Jordan.  Where Jordan might come down the stairs in the morning and want to turn on every light and put on loud music to wake him up (all the introverts cringe at this one), I feel overwhelmed when there’s too much noise or stimulation.  Hubby is learning that I act like a totally uncool 90-year-old woman when the music is too loud in the car or house, and to really connect with me, things need to be a bit less distracting.  Quiet, cozy time in our house is life-giving to me and Jordan is learning to give me that space, even if it’s not what he would choose.

4) Challenge each other while still giving grace.

I’m a big believer that there’s no inherent advantage or disadvantage to being an introvert or extrovert.  They both have their strengths or weaknesses and can learn a lot from each other.  When I moved to Kansas City, my introverted tendencies meant that I was often hesitant to call somebody when I did have a free night.  I love time alone and texting somebody new sounded scary, so why not just forget the whole “I need friends and community” thing and sit alone on the couch in my PJ’s? Jordan was great about gently encouraging me that building relationships with people was important even though it scared me at times (you can read more about how I struggled to find friends here).  We have to learn to accept who our partner is while still gently and lovingly challenging them to grow.

5) Learn how your personality impacts your conflict style.

Our personality types can impact the ways we process conflict. We saw early on that when Jordan started to engage and go into a more argumentative mode during conflict, I felt overwhelmed and withdrew.  In the same way, Jordan sometimes felt overwhelmed when I came to him ready to talk and process everything but he needed more time to process on his own (we’re kind of the opposite of introverts and extroverts here).  Over these last few years, we’ve had to explore how we process emotions, how our personality types impact our marriage, and how we work through conflict to help us figure out our conflict cycle and learn to love each other well in the midst of hard conversations (you can read more about how we’ve worked through our conflict cycle here).

Tips For Living In An Introvert Extrovert Marriage

These differences in how we interact, process, and understand the world are one of the things that make marriage beautiful.  Marriage stretches us, challenges us, and reminds us that our way of seeing the world isn’t always the “right” way.  Sometimes our partner can offer us new perspectives that help us to see things we wouldn’t have been able to without them.

If you and your significant other have different personality types (whether introverted, extroverted, or otherwise), I hope you’ll see those differences as a chance to grow and learn to love your partner in a whole new way.

Would you say that you and your partner are more similar or different personality-wise? How have you guys learned to love and support each other in the midst of this?

 

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Comments

  2. Love it! Very helpful tips!
    My husband and I are very different and sometimes I worry that that means something is wrong with us. Of course, that isn’t true, but it does take extra work in order for those things to work well together, just as you’ve expressed here.
    Kristin C recently posted…Do the Little Things Really Matter?My Profile

  3. What a beautiful post. You are a great writer! I’m coming up on my one year anniversary of marriage with my guy, and I have to say we have this whole communication thing pretty much figured out. But something I struggle with is giving him space when he feels overwhelmed but I am bursting with energy. Thank you for the tips and reminder to continue to grow and navigate this thing called love!

  4. Good stuff!

    We’re gonna be married 40 years next spring. {Where . did . the . time . go?!} And one thing I see happening over time is that I’ve become more introverted, and he, more extroverted. Not sure why … life’s circumstances, our work, maybe? But I am becoming more conscious that he needs that interaction to be filled and full. And I notice him looking for opportunities for me to savor the quiet.

    Thanks for going there, friend!
    Linda Stoll recently posted…morning invitations * reconsiderMy Profile

  5. Great post! It wasn’t until I had kids that I gained a true understanding of the introvert/extrovert dynamic, and it made a huge different in how I understood myself and my husband. He is a definite extrovert and I am a definite introvert (although, like you said, it doesn’t mean we fit those molds 100% of the time). It used to annoy me that he was constantly making plans when all I wanted to do was lie on the couch with a book. Now that I know we’re “wired” differently, it gives me more patience and understanding when it comes to our different needs and wants.
    Alyssa recently posted…My Viva® Vantage® 7-Day Switch Up, with 6 Awesome Tips for Cleaning and EntertainingMy Profile

  6. These are some great tips! I am an ISFJ and my husband is an ENTP but every time we take the test, both of us have moved more toward the center. I think we’re learning a lot from each other. I know I still have a lot to learn, but I’ve grown a lot already.
    Charlene recently posted…Solidarity Sisters: Introducing NathanaMy Profile

  8. I can so relate to this! I’m an ISFJ, ( close to yours) and there are times that I just crave alone time even when I’m with kyle! It’s really hard at times because as much as I want to spend time with him, I need alone time to gather my own thoughts and feelings together. I was even thinking of writing a post similar to this 🙂 on how to handle being an introvert married to an extrovert.

    liz @ sundays with sophie
    Liz Jo recently posted…sophie’s halloween costumeMy Profile

  9. These are all great tips! I’m like you, where I kind of toe the line between the two. My husband is very introverted so we have some of the same challenges. Some weekends I just want to sit on the couch and read, but others I’m ready to go out and see people – and those weekends happen much more often for me than they do him.
    Alexandra @ My Urban Family recently posted…The Best Instagram Accounts by CategoryMy Profile

  11. They do say opposites attract 😉 It seems that you and Jordan compliment each other well! I’m an introvert-extrovert (a little of both) but there are times when my fiance wants to go out and I just want to stay in, so I can see how it can be a struggle sometimes. I think a key point is like you mentioned, challenge each other! Encourage each other to be better versions of yourself 🙂
    Chelsea recently posted…Join the Tribe | Tribe Kelley Feature PLUS Interview with CEO Brittney KelleyMy Profile

  12. lauren. this is me and my husband EXACTLYYYY. except i am (was?) extremely extroverted and my husband is fairly introverted. this lead to soooo many arguments as newlyweds because we just didn’t understand how to balance seeing no one with seeing EVERYONE ALL. THE. TIME. haha. i can totalllyyy relate to this, and these steps are so practical.
    Julie Hood recently posted…new favorite: sunday museMy Profile

  14. Dustin and I are basically in the same boat as you guys; I’ve very much an introvert and he loves people. My idea of a perfect Friday night is staying home and watching a movie and he wants to be out with our friends. The first year of our marriage was working on finding that balance. Now that we are in Arizona and I work at home all day; by the time Dustin comes home I’m ready to hang out and do something and he just wants to chill, so we’re now finding a new balance!
    Chelsie recently posted…Blogging Advice & Lessons from 22 BloggersMy Profile

    • Hi Susannah!!
      I thought your post was very interesting. I am also happy to have had the experience of dating another introvert. It definitely has lead me to believe that because I am introverted, being in a relationship with another introvert has brought a sense of peace between us. My first relationship was an extroverted/ introverted one and we truly just could not see things the same way. I almost felt strangled by the relationship because he just could not leave me alone. Of course, I did not know what I know now about personality types, so perhaps we could have communicated better, but truly I am far happier dating another introvert who naturally understands me. The thing I find the most difficult to overcome in my introverted/ introverted relationship was proper communication. I feel like sometimes when we are verbally talking with one another, what we are thinking in our own heads, what we really mean, and how we really feel, verbal words just do not come out reflecting those thoughts. I am not sure why that is. It can be fustrating. It almost feels like it’s hard to get it all out in verbal words. This, many times, causes misunderstandings and some problems. Therefore, sometimes I feel like written words between us are more helpful for us to communicate, like texting or letters. I would love to hear more about your relationship. Keep me updated if you can. Thank you!!

      And thank you sobremesastories for talking about this important info on relationships to give us more understanding!

  16. This is sooooo accurate! I am perfectly okay with “me” time and like to be alone.
    Not my hubby!

    Yes, you can make it work!

  17. My husband is a super extrovert and I am an introvert (who has become more extroverted in recent years). It was very difficult in the beginning, especially the first year when we lived near all his friends. It immediately got easier when we moved and started having mutual friends instead of a group of 12 guys who’ve all known each other since they were 8 years old (and speak in Spanish). We’ve learned to enjoy what the other enjoys and have both come closer to the middle of the scale. It was a rough transition, but now we’re really happy with where we are.
    Megan Gonzalez recently posted…The Leaves are Changing, So Must IMy Profile

    • Oh my gosh, that would be so tough! Do you speak any Spanish? As a Spanish teacher I think it’d be awesome to have a bilingual spouse but I can totally see the challenges of that too, especially if all his friends didn’t speak the language!

      I’m glad y’all have been able to work through that. Moving can make things so hard!
      Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Anxiety And DepressionMy Profile

  18. Excellent post! My husband and I fall into the same categories, respectively. I love being married to someone who’s the exact opposite of me. However, we can both be grandmas and grandpas who just want to stay HOME and recharge. (Can I get an ‘amen?!’)

  19. I love your point about understanding each other’s conflict styles – I think this is important no matter if you’re introverted or extroverted. I don’t know what I am, actually! I guess my husband and I are both extroverts, though I have my introverted moments.
    Lindsay recently posted…Healthy Pumpkin Spice LatteMy Profile

  20. I love this! My boyfriend and I are very similar but different as well. We have learned over the years on how to deal with each others different personalities. I think it makes a relationship stronger (for most people). I do love though that as we got older, we would prefer to stay at home and relax.
    Mistle recently posted…Mad For PlaidMy Profile

  21. Kaleb and I are exactly the same way. I take time away from him as my relaxation time. I run me a nice bubble bath and enjoy the night while he schedules his time with his friends if I am away. We are completely opposite in that regard and our very different personalities is definitely something we work through together as a couple. But I wouldn’t have it any other way!
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  22. My husband and I spent the first 2 years of marriage working on a good way to communicate better. I think something clicked in me when I realized that because we are one in our marriage doesn’t mean that we are one person. Great post!!!!!
    Ann recently posted…Jerk SalmonMy Profile

    • So true, Ann! Being one doesn’t mean we don’t have our differences that we need to work through. And working through those differences is so important!

  25. You just described me and Brandon perfectly. We have totally had to adjust this throughout our relationship. Such a great post. Definitely some great tips!

  27. I think it’s so great to have a spouse that balances you, especially on the introvert/extrovert thing. I would not want to be married to another introvert — we’d never see anyone!! Dan and I are definitely more defined on the spectrum, but he says I’ve made him more introverted since we’ve been together (but in a good way). I agree that so much of making this dynamic work is being aware of ourselves and our spouses needs, and communicating our needs and expectations clearly.
    Brittany Bergman recently posted…Practicing What I Preach + A Blogging Maternity LeaveMy Profile

  29. Your tips were awesome and head on with my boyfriend and I. I’m a calm introvert and he is an extrovert who loves to be in conversation and around people 24/7. It was so refreshing reading this post. Over time we have discovered communication is key to stay in tune with how we feel about certain things.