Sobremesa Stories

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Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Being “Too Smart” To Be A Stay At Home Mom

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Welcome to this week’s Womanly Wednesday! Today’s poster, Anna, is writing beautifully about a topic that is so close to my heart.  As Jordan and I move toward growing our family, I’ve wrestled a lot with what it looks like to use my education and intellect and also raise a family.  I love how Anna makes me feel like this is normal struggle and that choosing a family over a career isn’t a “waste” of my education.  I hope you enjoy today’s post as much as I did! 

This may seem backwards to you, but I think that doing well in school can sometimes make you feel trapped. That’s how it worked for me anyways. Usually you would imagine that people who make good grades can go on to do anything they want, right?

But what if what they want is not “good enough?”

Womanly Wednesday :A Guest Post On Being Too Smart To Be A Stay At Home Mom

I made good grades in high school, scored well on my ACT, and won several chemistry and academic awards at Ole Miss. People expected me to choose to be a doctor or engineer or some other prestigious career. After all, I was a woman in science. Shouldn’t I want to pursue the careers that were so long withheld from my gender?

Those are fair expectations considering those career choices happen to be many people’s’ dreams careers. But they weren’t for me.

Honestly, I don’t remember ever really knowing what I wanted to do career-wise. It’s funny because when I got to college I assumed I’d go the med school route since I’d made really good grades in high school. But I don’t remember actually sitting and thinking about what I wanted to do with my life!

I had made my career decision based off of what other people wanted or expected of my life! Isn’t that insane?

Womanly Wednesday :A Guest Post On Being Too Smart To Be A Stay At Home Mom

Though I’d never really felt like I had a passion for any of those careers, I didn’t have a dislike for them. They made sense money-wise. And they made sense in that I was really good at science and math. So, that was initially my plan. But, I don’t think I ever really sat down and envisioned my life working in one of those types of jobs.

And when I did finally start thinking about how my life would look and how hectic it would be with a family on top of it, I realized that those paths just didn’t match up with what I hoped and dreamed for my life.

But the majority of the reason I ended up not pursuing a career like those typically expected of a female science and math nerd is because I simply wanted to be available in the future.

Sure, as a doctor, I’d be “available,” but I’m afraid I’d be more available to my patients than I was to my family. I don’t want that.

Womanly Wednesday :A Guest Post On Being Too Smart To Be A Stay At Home Mom

I know that it is completely possible to maintain a good, strong career and awesome family at the same time. However, I know myself, and I know that deep down I would feel majorly conflicted and pulled in different directions.

I’m afraid I wouldn’t have the time to enjoy taking care of my family, or that I’d have to constantly rush to get things done for them — not be able to live in the moment and relish it. I’m afraid I’d feel guilty for staying at home with my kids before they start school, because I know I need to be working to pay back $100,000 in student loans. I’m afraid I’d end up doing laundry during “family time” in the evening because I was at work all day and couldn’t fit it in earlier. I’m afraid working a huge, successful career would take away some of my joy in what I want the most — a family.

I know this is a controversial subject, and rightly so, as there is not one correct answer really. It’s all about what is right for you and your husband and your family. This issue is something that Joshua and I have talked about some since getting engaged, and we don’t have all the answers. But we do know what we both want for the family we will eventually start, and honestly, it just lines up better if I sacrifice a bit in the career department, so that I can give my family the attention and time they deserve. Plus, it’s just where my heart lies.

At first, I felt embarrassed that this was the choice that I wanted to make. 75 years ago, women would have killed for a thriving career in medicine or some other typically successful field. Why would I not want that?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m thankful for the freedom to have that choice. However, that’s all it is. A choice.

Just because a new choice is available doesn’t make the old choice wrong.

What is wrong is feeling trapped by your talents and skills.

Don’t let your abilities make you feel like you have to do something that meets and exceeds everyone’s expectations for your life. That’s only rooted in pride.

Womanly Wednesday :A Guest Post On Being Too Smart To Be A Stay At Home Mom

Now that I’ve made this choice and given up what others wanted so much for my life, I feel freedom. I no longer bear the burden of living up to their hopes and dreams for my life.

I have prayed faithfully over the last several years that God would shape my desires to match His desires, and I believe He is doing so.

Galatians 1:10 says this: “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

I was seeking the approval of man in my career choice, all while pushing to the side what my heart was telling me. But the more I spent time in the Word, the more that desire grew and the more I realized that this choice should not be about what other people expect of me.

I knew that I would be discontent in any career knowing my family needed me at home, and I believe the Lord instilled that within me.

I’m so excited for what the future has in store for me, Joshua, and our family. I am so thankful to have the freedom in Christ to live differently than the world expects me to live.

Have you ever felt trapped by other’s expectations? How do you balance career and family?

Womanly Wednesday :A Guest Post On Being Too Smart To Be A Stay At Home Mom

Anna is the 22 year old Ole Miss graduate behind sheisjoyful.com where she talks about faith and life lived joyfully. In her free time, she enjoys cooking, journalling, taking photos, hitting the gym, and playing with her adorable pup Muffy! Her new worship CD, Hallowed, was recently released to Amazon, Itunes, and Spotify. You can also find her on twitter, facebook, bloglovin‘, and pinterest.

A Letter To The Girl Who's Too Smart To Be A Stay At Home Mom

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Comments

  1. Wow this is great! I have always felt pressure from my family to finish school, get a good career, be the best at everything because I have shown so much more potential than my other siblings. I learned the hard way that I don’t do well mentally or physically trying to please everyone else. Even now I still feel the pressure to further my education, buy a home, get a crazy good job but I am perfectly content where I am. My family was/is so distant with each other and I hate it. Family is so important to me so I will just use my skills to help my family stay happy and stable; and I’m fine with that!
    Chandler recently posted…Keeping Up with the Larsen’sMy Profile

  2. Perfect solution: homeschool your little geniuses, once you have them, and homeschool other families’ intelligent children until you have your own. Then you set your own hours to work around military husband’s schedule, you stay at home, and you have a career. You get summers off to pursue anything your heart fancies….

  3. Great post! I knew when I was 5 years old that I would be a teacher. I did well in school and got two degrees in teaching. I taught a few years but I fell in love and wanted to start my own family. I have never looked back and regretted one thing. I think you need to follow your heart and always trust your gut.
    sara recently posted…Medisafe App will help keep track of your medicationsMy Profile

  4. Great post! I have never known what I wanted to be when I grew up and come to find out, I am perfectly happy being mom! I made the decision to not continue with college because I was wasting money trying to find a field that would make me happy and work for my future life as mom (flexible hours, no holidays, etc…) and I couldn’t find it. Now that both my kiddos are in school full time, I got a little part time job that I love and still allows me to be there for my kids and I couldn’t be happier! Good for you, for knowing and following your heart!! You won’t regret it!
    Sandy recently posted…WIAW – 28 Point SundayMy Profile

  6. My high school teachers had all these career plans for me and they were so surpised to see me come back for student teaching. Some of them even told me “you could do anything but you still decided to be a teacher?!” like that was not enough. I don’t care about these comments anymore because my happiness comes first and I’m glad that we share the same viewpoint 🙂
    Emilie recently posted…Should You Pursue a Master’s Degree?My Profile

  7. Ahhhhh I love this! I feel like this pressure is especially true about our age group.. I don’t know about you, but I know MY friends think I’m so crazy for getting married and having a baby before 25. They’re all still partying and plan on doing that until 30 or so, but I always knew I wanted to be a young mom. People act like it’s weird for me to not want to rent an apartment in the city and bar hop for the next 10 years, but I already did that when I was in college and that was enough for me. I was 22 having baby fever and nothing could have made me happier than finding out I was pregnant.

    Anyway, I stay home with my baby but I also work full-time from home; I purposely picked this career in college because I knew I wanted to stay home with my babies. Once I have more kids and start homeschooling I don’t think I’ll be working full time anymore, but for now, it works, and I am so thankful that it’s possible for me to do this. Thank you for making me realize I’m not the only one in their early-twenties who WANTS to be a stay at home mom and a wife. Speaking from experience, there’s nothing more satisfying <3

  8. I love this! It is so well said. Being a working mom (or a stay at home mom) is one of those expectations that our society puts on people today without even realizing. It drives me crazy. Yes it’s great that we women have the freedom to work in a career these days. And that men are able to stay home with kids if they want. I love that we’re getting further and further away from the “house wife” and “male breadwinner” stereotypes and gender roles. BUT I feel like some people have gone too far in the other direction and now pressure women to work. Staying home is a perfectly valid choice. As is working full time, or part time, or out of your home, or the plethora of other options out there. But that’s just it, a choice! And it’s only the one person’s choice who is going to be doing it. And maybe their spouse can help make the choice, but nobody else! Ok rant over.
    Charlene recently posted…DIY Fall Burlap Wreath TutorialMy Profile

  9. Thank you for being so honest about this struggle, Anna! It’s something I’ve thought about a lot as I dreamed about my future family. I have no idea how or if my decision will change once I actually have a baby in November, but for now, I’m planning to go back to work full time. But last year, I did make the decision to pursue a totally different career from the one I was in so that I could give the best of myself to my family. My old career left me dry and exhausted and bitter every day, so finding a less stressful job was step #1 of many in caring for my family.
    Brittany Bergman recently posted…10 Adventures to Enjoy This FallMy Profile

  10. Thanks for sharing. I totally get you. I too have never really felt like there was one type of career meant for me. I’ve just gone into a degree that lines up with others expectations and now coming to the end of that degree I have no idea where I am going. I’d love to be a sahm when that time comes but for now who knows what is in store. Thanks for sharing. It’s always an encouragement to hear others mulling over the same issues I am.
    Kimberley recently posted…Adventure TimeMy Profile

  11. I totally feel this post! 🙂 As my husband and I are praying about starting a family, we’ve purposefully looked at our budget to determine how we could live off of his income alone. Although I plan on working at least part-time once we start having children, leaving room for the potential to be a stay-at-home mom is very important. I will say that as a woman who just received a doctorate degree, a part of me fears “wasting” my education and career. However, I’m almost 100% sure this fear is rooted in the weight I place on other womens’ perception of me and a fear of being judged. (Well, it doesn’t help that a few years ago I had a friend angrily tell me how disappointed she was in one of her pregnant PhD friends because that friend decided to be a stay-at-home mom. As women, why are we so rough on each other?!)
    monica recently posted…Driving the Pacific Coast HighwayMy Profile

  12. This is a very inspiring post. It’s good that you are choosing to do what you want to do with your life. While back in the day there may have been many women who would have loved to have careers outside of the home, many of them actually really enjoyed staying home. My grandma loved it. She had her space, she had her freedom, she got to do what she enjoyed doing while my grandpa went to work, and the kids were at school, or outside running around. If and when I finally do settle down and start a family, I would want to be a stay at home or work from home mom also. To me that is a job. A lot of dads are doing it now too. Anyway, I’m stopping by from Blog Passion Project! Hope you are having a fabulous Wednesday!

    Sarah

  13. This is such a great perspective and a topic that speaks to my heart deeply. I’m currently a college grad and in a master’s program for school counseling. The plan is to work in a school in about 2 years as a counselor. However, I seriously have this gut feeling that once I have kids, I’m not going to be able to be away from there when they are little. I am fearful that I will “waste” 7 years of education to be a stay-at-home mom. But then again, how could that be wasted?!
    Chelsea recently posted…The One Thing You HAVE To Do When Visiting Niagara FallsMy Profile

  15. It is such a blessing that you were able to decide so early on what is best for you. As a stay at home mom (to four) I was hesitant to read this, because there is so much controversy about what is best for you, for your children…for everyone. And because so often, we forget that SAHM may have been employed outside of the home (even as a working mom, perhaps!).
    Ashley recently posted…Field Notes: Tech Inclusion 2015My Profile

  16. Do what makes you happy. If you are able to be a stay at home mom and have enough money to support a household on 1 income, then great! I think a lot of people would love to be a stay at home parent, but sometimes there are other things in the way (like bills) that send us to work. Ignore those who put you down, do what your heart tells you to do!

  17. I can relate to where you’re coming from with this post! Personally, I think more women are feeling trapped to stand up in society and take on CEO/corporate roles. Of course, this ISN’T a problem, but it can cause guilt and confusion for women with families.

    Although I’m 21, I know I don’t want a traditional family. (Maybe) I’ll adopt a child in my thirties, but ultimately I want to be a wife and dog mom with a career. I think balance is incredibly important. I think you wrote about this topic so beautifully; and I can relate it to other areas of my life regarding balance. (I’m currently balancing being a full-time grad student, blogger and full-time manager while nourishing a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of over two years–yikes!)

    Anyway, thank you for giving such a great perspective on a topic many women are struggling with whether they’re currently a mom or not!
    Kiara Catanzaro recently posted…OOTD: Fall Bucket ListMy Profile

  18. I love this post so much! Anna’s right–having an education almost can pigeon-hole you into being judged when you sacrifice your career for your family. I just made that decision to stop teaching to stay at home, and although it was NOT easy bc I LOVE being a teacher, I know that that’s a dream I can come back to. Missing out on my little one’s early days isn’t something I can get back!

  19. I went to University for my teaching degree. My hubby and I had our first child before I finished my degree and our 2nd right when I finished. My heart longed to be at home with my babies. But I also wanted my career as a teacher. I wondered why God would put me through University but then ‘keep me at home’ – so I understand what you mean about the idea of wasting your education – I totally felt that way. I was very torn. It was very difficult and I was confused. Until I applied for a position as a home school support teacher. I have been doing this teacher thing from home for 11 years now and I am so thankful for the career I have. I stayed home and watched my babies grow up and then hubby and I decided to home school them. 8 years ago, my husband was able to work from home as well – we are both home with our children. I can’t think of a better way to do life as a family!
    The point is – God has your life under control – He has a wonderful plan for you, your hubby and any children you have. It might not always make sense, and there will always be people it never makes sense to at all – but that is for them to deal with. Just trutst God’s plan for your life.
    My kids are 14, 11 and 9 – so believe me when I say that choosing to stay at home with them will be one of the BEST decisions you will ever make. Is it easy? No. But it is worth it…every second.
    Prayers and all the best to you and your soon-to-be hubby!!
    Aimee Imbeau recently posted…When I Thought I Lost My FaithMy Profile

  20. This is such an awesome topic to share! I am going to school for Biomedical Engineering, and to be honest, would rather blog and stay at home with my future kids. This truly is a controversial issue, because so many people assume that when smart girls major in a difficult field, they will get a great job and not want to be a full-time mom. This is definitely something I am struggling with when I plan for my future
    Amanda @Blissful Gal recently posted…The BEST Fall Teas for Your TastebudsMy Profile

  21. As many others have echoed, this post brought a tear to my eye and made my heart happy to read you (and others) have been in (and currently are in) the same place as me. Motivated, creative, clever, driven and all suited up with a shiny new magna cum laude MBA and I want to be as far away from a “successful” corporate career as I can right now. I actually call it, “Lean In, Burnt Out” Syndrome – coined after Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In book. I feel like as women these days, we’re pushed so hard to be everything and that’s not for everyone. I hustled so hard for the first 10-12 years of my career that I’m just exhausted and over it. I just want to be happy for myself. It just comes down to defining your own happiness and what success means to you. If that means I get to stay at home, take care of my husband, our dogs, my blog and our (hopefully) growing family… then no one else should be judging if we’re happy. 🙂

    I love that quote you find in the Bible, too. So true. I’m going to bookmark this <3.

    Steff @ http://brighterdarling.com
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  22. This post is amazing! I feel like I could’ve written it myself- you literally said everything that is in my heart! I too went to school to pursue becoming a pediatrician because it was what was expected of me. I spent four years as a Biology major (which left me in tears), and finally graduated with a Communication degree (to the shock of everyone). I’ve always been the “smart one that makes great choices” but I honestly have no desire but to use my “smarts” to serve my future family. My husband and I have talked about this and we agree that what’s best for our family is for me to stay home full time, and I can’t wait for when that day is possible! Thanks for this!

  23. Very well put! What a wonderful guest post; I completely agree with you. While you appreciate what women suffered through to get where we are today, it was all for a choice – that’s what we all have. Good for you! What do you do for a living, Anna? There is nothing wasted about staying at home to run your home and family.
    Lindsay recently posted…My Statement Jewelry Theme of the WeekMy Profile

  24. Anna, this is beautifully written and captured my interest for sure! I posted about becoming a SAHM earlier this summer and it was a difficult decision as my heart pulled me in one direction (to be home) but mentally I stressed about many factors. Ultimately, I’m home and absolutely wouldn’t change it – I do sometimes worry about what the future holds when I return to the work world because I wonder if my “marketability” will have diminished. I will always value having an education regardless if I’m working in the home or out.
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