Sobremesa Stories

Letting stories unfold around the table

Three Reasons To Share The Struggles You’ve Been Hiding

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Since I was in high school, I have always been little miss cheerful: always happy and smiling and always the one to listen to other people’s issues instead of trying to complain or focus on my own.  But underneath the smile and the sweet exterior, I wrestled deeply with feelings of shame and unworthiness.    I was scared for my messy heart to be revealed so I bottled all my struggles up inside, positive that if I shared what I was wrestling with with anyone else, they would confirm all the thoughts running on repeat in my head: I’m too much, too emotional, not worthy of love or belonging.

Three Reasons To Share Our Struggles

High school Lauren worked at Build a Bear, loved Christmas, and apparently wrote the word “thug” on her fingers.

It wasn’t until I got to college that I found friends who loved me persistently and faithfully enough to break down my walls.  They asked me real questions until I gave real answers, and in the safety of their love and their acceptance I started to believe that maybe what God had reminding me for months was actually true: maybe I was worthy of love and belonging, maybe even the deepest, darkest parts of my heart were worth loving.  Because I was brave enough to be vulnerable them and they loved me so well in the midst of it, those relationships grew deeply and I started to believe the real truths about my heart and who I am.

Since then, I’ve seen the same thing happen over and over: every time I am brave enough to share the real, dark parts of my heart, the insecurities and the fears and the shame, women have responded with grace and love and our relationships have grown as a result.  That’s not to say I’ve never had an experience where I shared and felt judgment or hurt by someone’s response. But the overwhelming response to my vulnerability has been grace and a resounding chorus of “You’re not alone.”

Reasons To Share Your Struggles Sobremesa Stories

Two of my best friends from college

What Happens When We Don’t Share Our Struggles

When we’re deeply afraid that people will shame us, judge us, or even just walk away from us, it seems close to impossible to open up and be honest about our deepest struggles, about the fears and insecurities that lead us to numb the pain and hide in a million different ways.  My deepest fear is that when I share my struggles, people will shame me and confirm my deepest fears that I’m too much.  I talked with a friend a few months back who shared that more than she fears the shame, she fears that if she shares her struggles, people will do what they’ve done many times in her life: walk away, leaving her alone and confirming her fears that she’s unworthy of love.

I don’t know what stops you from sharing your struggles with the people you love, but I know this: when we let fear prevent us from sharing their struggles, it’s very likely one or all of the following things will happen:

1) We will look to other outlets to express the emotions we can’t share.

The negative emotions that we feel will always come out somewhere.  I’ve seen people I love dearly turn to food or alcohol or shopping or boys, all in an attempt to stop feeling the fear and insecurity and shame.  When I feel shame and fear, I turn to control.  I try to control my husband to make myself feel loved and enough or I try to rearrange my life so I feel in control.  When we wrestle with feelings of shame and insecurity, those feelings are bound to come out somehow, and it’s often in unhealthy ways.

2) Our relationships will stay shallow and superficial.

We spend time with our friends and our spouses and our families, but the relationships always stay at a level just above the surface.  We wonder why we can’t fully trust the people in our lives, why it feels like our relationships aren’t as deep as the relationships other people talk about having with their friends or loved ones.  We might spend hours and hours with our friends and families, but there’s just something missing.  And when the you-know-what hits the fan and it all falls apart, we don’t feel like we can call those people to share those dark moments with us.

3) We will start to believe the lies that we aren’t good enough or too much.

Finally, and maybe most dangerously, when we let the narratives of shame and insecurity play on repeat in our heads without sharing them, we start to believe them to be the only truths that matter.  We forget that there are other narratives, that there’s a chance we might actually be worthy of love and acceptance and the voices in our head are just lies.

When we aren’t vulnerable and honest about all the ways life has been really freaking hard, the fear and shame can start to be overwhelming, spilling over into our lives and our relationships with God and with other people.

Three Reasons To Share The Struggle You've Been Hiding Friends At Wedding

Three Reasons To Share Our Struggles

Yes, it is SO scary to share our struggles and open ourselves up.  We fear that when people see the real us, they’ll reject us or shame us or just plain walk away.

But friends, what if they don’t?

What if we open up and share the ways we’re struggling and failing and people respond with grace? What if we take the chance to share with people and they respond by saying “me too” and showing us we’re not the only ones who struggle? What if our sharing gives them the courage to share about their own struggles, and we see those friends and those relationships grow and deepen as a result?

I fully believe that if we share our deepest struggles (the one that comes to mind over and over as you’ve been reading this post), that we will see our hearts and our relationships grow in three ways.

1) We will start to believe the truths that we are worthy of love.

It might seem like this is backwards, that when we share our deepest selves people will realize we’re not perfect and walk away. But almost every time I’ve shared my heart, whether in blog posts or in real life, it has felt like a weight off my shoulders. People have responded with abounding grace and I’m reminded that I’m not the only one who struggles.  When I see people’s responses, I start to think that maybe even my darkest self is worthy of love.  If we never give other people or God the chance to affirm that we are worth love and acceptance by sharing our deepest selves, then we’ll never start to believe those truths ourselves.

2) We will give other people the freedom to struggle too.

When I look around at our social media centered world that seems to show everyone else’s perfect lives, it’s easy to believe that I’m the only one who struggles.  Sometimes it just takes one person to be brave and admit they’re not okay for all the other dominos to fall.  It takes incredible bravery to be the first one to let down our walls and admit we struggle, but sometimes that’s all it takes for other people to feel free to do the same.  When I’ve shared posts about scary things like intimacy and my fears about God and why it’s been so hard for me to find friends post college, I’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of people who’ve cried “Me too!” in their comments, their emails, and their posts.  Let’s be the brave people to break the silence and admit we’re not okay so other people feel free to do the same.

3) We will see real intimacy in our friendships, our marriages, and our communities.

The relationships that deepen, grow, and last are the ones built on a foundation of vulnerability.  When I’ve taken a risk to share a deep fear or struggle with a new friend, even maybe before I felt 100% safe to do so (but if we’re honest, do we ever feel 100% safe?), I’ve seen that friendship grow deeply.  Those friends feel more free to share their own struggles and the relationship starts to grow in leaps and bounds.  In the words of Brené Brown, an author and researcher whose works have shaped my views on vulnerability, when we share, other people will feel free to stand and say with us, “I am imperfect and vulnerable am sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I’m brave and worthy of love and belonging” (Rising Strong).

Three Reasons To Share The Struggle You've Been Hiding Brene Brown Quote

If you’ve been around this blog for more than a day, then you know that I am a big believer in vulnerability.  My heart for this blog is that it would be a place where women feel safe to not be okay, where they feel safe to share their brokenness, their hurts, their shame, and their fears.  It’s why I come back to this space day after day and why I invite other women to share their hearts here on Womanly Wednesdays.

When we open ourselves up to share our real selves, we always risk hurt and rejection.  I’m not saying to go and share your deepest secrets with people who’ve shown themselves to be untrustworthy or who’ve hurt you consistently in the past.  Maybe the safest and best step for you is to find a counselor who can listen to you and help you move toward healing before you even begin to share with your friends or families (you can read about my journey with counseling here).  But if you have a friend, a relationship, or a platform where you can open the doors to real, honest conversation, I challenge you to be brave and jump in head first.  Because in the words of the wonderful Brené Brown (seriously, y’all, she’s amazing), “I have to trust myself and the people I care about more than the gremlins, even if that means risking being hurt” (Rising Strong)

Talk about your eating disorder, your battles with depression, or how your parents’ divorce while you were in college shattered everything you thought you knew about families and relationships.  Talk about how sex (even in the context of marriage) can be incredibly confusing and hard, about how you feel discontent in your job or wonder if you’ll ever get married or catch up to everyone else you know.

Share the struggles with the people around you and I know you will see your heart and your relationships start to grow. And maybe, you’ll start to believe the truths that even the darkest, most painful and broken parts of your heart are worthy of love and acceptance, both by God and the people who love you.

Three Reasons To Share The Struggles You've Been Hiding - Sobremesa Stories

I’m linking back to this post at Imparting Grace, Embracing His Will, A Life In Balance, Purposeful Faith, A Fresh Start On A Budget, What Joy Is Mine, The Beauty In His Grip, Strangers And Pilgrims On Earth, Me Coffee and Jesus, Women With Intention, A Little R & R, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Coffee For Your Heart, Serving Joyfully, 3D Lessons 4 Life, The Deliberate Mom, Dance With Jesus, Missional Women, Busy Being Blessed, Live Free Thursdays, Whole Hearted Wednesdays, Thriving Thursdays, Christian Mommy Bloggers, Still Saturdays, Tuesday Talk, and Modest Mondays.

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Comments

  1. Yes! Yes! Yes, Lauren!

    The counselor in me rises up and bursts into applause! You are wise and compassionate. You’re speaking out against the lies that are way too easy to believe and embrace, all the stuff that keeps us isolated and unhealthy and distraught.

    Thanks for putting this message on the table. This is how God plays out Joel 2 where He talks about redeeming the years the locusts have eaten.

    What an excellent piece this is, girl! I love coming here …
    Linda Stoll recently posted…September is the New JanuaryMy Profile

  4. I can so relate to this. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the facade I keep up and how that keeps me from experiencing real relationships. I really believe in the transforming power of vulnerability, as I have seen its effects on my friendships. Sometimes it feels so intimidating when it starts with me, though. It’s definitely hard when you feel like that openness and honesty might not be reciprocated. I am committed to working on it, because I think real Christ-like community happens when we share openly with others.
    Julie recently posted…FRIDAY!My Profile

  6. Seeing your vulnerability is really inspiring. I was a PK and it felt like the motto was “keep it in the house.” Even now that I’m out of the house, it still feels like there’s an uproar when I post something about my past because of how it could reflect on his job. I understand it, but at the same time it makes vulnerability really difficult.
    Megan Gonzalez recently posted…How to Have Faith When You Question ReligionMy Profile

  9. This is so true! I have been battling depression for several years now and getting through that has been hard. Because if that, I made it a point to share my struggles with the internet, because there are always others that can benefit from what you are going through too.
    Amanda @Blissful Gal recently posted…My 9 Gym Bag EssentialsMy Profile

  11. This is amazing. As someone who is close to being a therapist and has worked with countless people on this same topic I commend you! I am the type of person who completely shuts down when I’m feeling like a burden or that my feelings don’t matter or I get crazy busy filling my life with things to do so that I feel like I’m needed.

    I have learned a lot through experience and studying psychology that what I have to say and feel matters and that the people I care about care about me as well. I love that you mentioned surface relationships because it is so true. It can be so scary to open up and be vulnerable because it feels like you are opening yourself up and have no way to protect yourself. But those relationships grow deeper and your trust and feelings get validated. It’s the best feeling in the world! I also love that you quoted Brene Brown. She is so amazing and I talk about her allll the time.

    Thank you so much for your influence and bravery. I look forward to coming back on Wednesday’s!
    Chandler recently posted…Tips for Traveling AbroadMy Profile

    • I so relate to you on that…when I feel like a burden, I’m quick to turn to shame and just not share instead of being honest about the insecurities. I love that studying psychology has helped you to learn about yourself and not just the people you’ll work with! And isn’t Brené Brown the best? Her work is so real and inspiring. I’m a huge fan! Thanks for stopping by, Chandler!
      Lauren recently posted…Fall Inspiration: 10 Delicious Pumpkin Chocolate RecipesMy Profile

  12. Thanks for taking a brave step out and being vulnerable. It’s a lesson we can all learn. Thanks for making your site a safe place to do that. As I read your post, I thought about how Jesus was always surrounded by messy people. He didn’t judge them, just showed them love and grace. He’s a good model for us to follow.
    Rachel Britton recently posted…Does God Really Love Me?My Profile

  13. So true! So glad you touched on this. People tend to feel like it’s not human to share their lives, when really the most human and intimate thing we can do is share our hearts.

  14. I love your heart and this post!!! I do think it’s really important to share with others when you are struggling. I was the same way as you in high school- happy, go -lucky, most people probably never knew how depressed I was my freshman year. I think it’s healthy to let those emotions go and share with others if you are struggling. I scheduled this on my Twitter to share 🙂

    P.S. You are too cute, you little thug! 😉
    Chelsea recently posted…Adventuring Acadia National Park, Maine….Oh, and I’m ENGAGED!!My Profile

  16. What an excellent post! And so right on point! It is quite true, or at least has been in my life, that the more I choose to be open and share all parts of me with others, the deeper those relationships/friendships are. At the same time, I also tend to feel more free, more love, more recognition, more acceptance, and less of the other opposite feelings. I have come to (mostly) enjoy sharing with others, almost to a fault at times, as I really dislike surface conversation and interactions. I like to know about people, not stuff lol 🙂
    Life Breath Present recently posted…Baby Boy Working & BloggingMy Profile

  18. What a beautiful message and wonderful advice for all of us. I’m so thankful to have (very nervously) joined my first small group six years ago. We’ve morphed and added new members, and split to grow more groups…every step of the way has been so growth-producing. My life has been forever changed in the very best way by all the women who have been willing to allow us real access into their lives. Have a great day and good job being an encourager today for all of us who need one another.

  19. This is SO beautiful, Lauren! Thanks for putting your heart out there for all of us to see, as you consistently do. I love your heart for encouraging women to be real, vulnerable, and open. What I appreciate so much about your writing is that you always share the struggles in a way that’s both real and uplifting. You don’t sugar coat or pretend like everything is perfect now, but you also don’t share the struggle without pointing toward your hope in Christ. It’s a fine line, and you walk it well! Also, I really needed this post today. I was considering posting a piece next month about my previous struggles with an eating disorder, and my shame said “Don’t share that — you’ll only bring other people down.” Lies! I’m going to do it. 🙂
    Brittany Bergman recently posted…Simplify Your Life: A Guide to Living Simply and Holistically // Part 1My Profile

  23. This is a beautiful post! It’s so true; it can seem like it’s best to hide what we’re struggling with, but the truth is everyone is struggling with something and most people will be understanding. I’ve learned that it’s always best to share what’s on your heart–especially if you’re comfortable with the people you’re talking to–because more often than not they’re understanding and supportive. If not, that’s a reflection of what’s happening with them, not you. And there may come a day when they think back to what you’ve shared and realize just how much they needed to hear it.
    Crystal @ Dreams, etc. recently posted…The Joys of SpringMy Profile

  24. THIS is the reason I love blogging. It opens you up and keeps the fear and insecurities from boiling over. There is a huge sense of “not being alone” in something in the blogosphere.
    Since moving 800 miles away from all my family and friends just over a year ago, I have desperately struggled to open up to people. I have no friends here in my stage of life and when I’m asked about what’s new in my life, I’ve come to realize those around me don’t REALLY want to hear the long of it… they were just making conversation. It’s left me feeling lonely, closed off, and insecure. Instead of having people around me to share the ups and downs of life with, there are only advice-givers and surface relationships. However… thanks to blogging, I feel like I have somewhere to be me. Somewhere to pour my soul and open up and be REAL. Thank you for emphasizing the importance of sharing our struggles (as I share mine in this comment haha sorry!)

    • Me too! Blogs were a huge part of my being honest that marriage was hard and life was hard and I needed someone to help walk me through it all. It’s so hard to be far from family (my closest friends/immediate family are far away too). It’s so hard to find new friends and know when they’re ready to really hear your heart, especially when people are so quick to give advice or try to fix thing (which is usually the opposite of helpful). I’m so glad you’re loving blogging! I love your blog and honesty as well!
      Lauren recently posted…Fall Inspiration: 10 Delicious Pumpkin Chocolate RecipesMy Profile

  25. Goodness, sometimes I read something just at the right time! I always have this inner struggle because I feel I open up to others and then afterwards worry about what I said or the judgement. I have found blogging opened me up to such a supportive community and blogs like this one send such positive messages just when we made need them the most. Thanks for sharing!
    Erin recently posted…September GoalsMy Profile

  26. Such a great post! I’ve struggled a lot over the years with opening up and feeling vulnerable. But I’ve gotten so much better about it since marrying my husband. I feel a much deeper connection with him when I open up and I share my struggles and my feelings with him. It’s such an amazing feeling to know that I’m loved unconditionally and and that he’s there to support me and help me through those issues.

  29. Great post! I loved reading it, everything you said is true. I feel great when I open up to my family and friends because I know they are not going to judge me but are going to support me and give me true love and advice.

  30. Thank you for this timely post. I have a dark past, that if my friends knew I would be friendless. But I know that the Lord loves me, and that I AM NOT ALONE. I am God’s work in progress.

  34. Love everything about this! I love all of these awesome posts, Lauren, and I love how much other women are loving them too! So happy for you! I’m still working on getting to this point of being vulnerable on the web, but I’m thinking of something to share for your Womenly Wednesdays. I’ll let you know when I think of something 🙂

  35. Dear Lauren,
    Thank you so much for this post. It’s absolutely beautiful and is so heart-centered and honest. As a life coach, I help women shine bright through the practice of unconditional self-love. So a lot of what you say here really resonates with me. It is so important to love all that we are, and to understand that we are worthy of love, especially our own. Only then can we truly shine. I wish you all the best. Love and light, Murielle.

  36. It’s not easy to share our struggles, but I’m discovering the benefits as I take little steps to deepen my friendships. I’m currently reading The Hidden Half of the Gospel and am so excited about how the suffering of Jesus can draw the suffering to him and help them find healing.
    Anita Ojeda recently posted…What Happens When Students Feel SafeMy Profile

  38. Thanks for this encouraging post! Really opening up, especially about struggles, is something that is so hard for me to do, but I love your reasons here for doing it anyway. I also love that when we show that we don’t have it all together, people realize more and more how much it is God that is working in us. It’s not us having it together, it is Him being amazing and powerful because we are weak but He is oh so strong!
    Meredith recently posted…Hungering and ThirstingMy Profile

  39. I have never understood hiding our struggles. When I tell someone what I am feeling or going through, they understand and can sometimes relate. The burden is lighter as I walk away and I know I am not alone. If only all of us could experience that!
    Sarah Donegan recently posted…Listen and LoveMy Profile

  41. I lovew this soooo much, Lauren. I’ve always been afraid people won’t love the “real” me, if I say all that’s in my heart.
    God is helping me to start believing the truth of His Word. I am worthy of love, because God loves me.
    Here from Tuesday talk.
    Melinda recently posted…Love/Hate ChallengeMy Profile

  43. Lauren, So glad I saw this at Me, Coffee, & Jesus Link-Up. I can so identify with you. Great blog and I agree with you 100%. Love the quote from Berne’ Brown.

  44. You have lots of comments here already, but I’m throwing in one more! YES YES YES. Something I have slowly learned as God has painstakingly taught me again and again to dwell in the light instead of hiding in the dark. It’s there we’re made clean and whole -in relationship too!!

    Thanks for these wonderful words! #DanceWithJesus

  46. Yeah! Someone who gets it! You’ve shared much here and obviously, based on your comments struck a nerve in many. Having been one who is an open book, been burned by that and come back (with age) not giving a hoot about what others think, if our stories can help another, then it should be told. Details are of course should be a discretion based upon the audience. Either way, being vulnerable, real and open has healing powers for both ends. Thank you for sharing this at Tuesday Talk and here at Counting Your Blessings.
    michelle recently posted…Thankful For FallMy Profile

    • Wow, thanks, Carlyn! Such sweet, encouraging words! That just about made my day to read those. I hope you have a great day! Thanks for reading and commenting!

  48. So good! Very glad you shared this at Tuesday Talk! I used to have a very hard time opening up and sometimes I slip back into that. Over time, I have learned the importance of it. I related so much to all of this- thanks for the wonderful reminders! Featuring this Tuesday!
    Keri recently posted…{Hope & Love v.8}My Profile

  50. Excellent post!! It’s full of wisdom and compassion, something our society really needs to hear. Thank you for this graceful word and also for sharing it with us at Grace & Truth! You are so valuable to our community! I love this post so much that I’ll be featuring this on Friday for our next round of Grace & Truth – be sure to come to my blog and grab your “I’ve Been Featured” button for this post! #GraceTruth
    Holly Brown recently posted…A Lesson in Wisdom & Humility and Link-upMy Profile

  51. Lauren this is beautiful. You really took the words right out of my mouth. For some of us, wearing our hearts on our sleeves doesn’t come naturally and it really takes a special someone (or a few special someones) to, as you said, break down our walls and get to see the real us. Love this so much! Thank you for sharing this! I really needed to see this today!
    Caroline recently posted…50 Date Night Questions for Your SpouseMy Profile