Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Letting Go Of Expectations

Thanks for stopping by for this week’s Womanly Wednesday!  This is one of my favorite parts of the week where different women bravely and vulnerably share their stories.  If you would be interested in writing a Womanly Wednesday guest post of your own, please send me an email with your information and a summary of what you might like to share.  It would be an honor to have your voice and your story on the blog!

I met my friend Kat a year or two ago through our church, and it has been so fun to be a part of her story as she has bravely chosen to trust God with big life decisions, even when it’s terrifying.  I love her heart, her sense of humor, and her honest way of sharing about her life and her marriage.  And the best thing? She just started a blog! Make sure to head over to Sweeter Comfort and check her out! 

If you had asked me when I was 18 where I thought my life would be in 5-10 years, I would have told you a few things I knew for certain:

• I would be single, living that “Independent Woman” life (you know, Destiny’s Child-esque)
• I would be teaching and directing a high school theatre program

I believe 100% that God has a great sense of humor. I think he uses it to humble us. So, now, 26 years old, my life looks a lot different than I imagined it would:

• I’m married. We just celebrated 4 years this June.
• I left my job in May where I taught middle school students theatre and public speaking. In about a month my “salary” will come in the form of student loans (yuck!)

How do you like that 18-year-old me? More like dependent woman, far from the “Independent Woman” I thought I would be.  However, the glorious part of all of this is that I’m completely at peace with it.

Let’s dive into my marriage first. The love story God wove for my husband, Brian, and I involved my husband’s relentless pursuit of my hard, wrecked heart.  I knew a man would not complete me, so I relied on my status as “single, empowered woman who doesn’t need a guy” to be my identity.  My heart’s desire to be single largely stemmed from pain in my past that led me to believe that all a man would do is just break my heart and leave me empty.

Yet, Brian knocked down my walls, not letting me slip through the cracks and hide when I desperately wanted to put on a mask to seem ok. I told Brian once when he tried to have a scary “DTA” (define the relationship) discussion with me that we would never be more than friends. Yes, God has a sense of humor for sure. However, knowing I didn’t want to be more than a friend allowed us to develop a deep, trusting friendship with conversations that dug at my heart, easily shifting into a relationship that was definitely much more than just a friendship.

While we were dating, Brian sat in the passenger’s seat as my heart transformed, holding my hand and loving me despite the ugliness of my heart. During that time, I began attending a church in KC and for the first time in my life, I started to understand the love, grace, and mercy that only Jesus can show you.  When you learn that the grace given to you by Jesus allows you to extend that grace to those whom you feel have wronged you, oh what a glorious feeling. I surrendered my broken heart and gave Jesus permission to mend the pieces. I’m telling you, there is freedom in the cross.

Brian and I established a marriage built on the foundation of Jesus’ love. By no means do we have a perfect marriage. Instead, daily we are learning what it looks like to give grace and love each other. I am learning to let my husband lead our family and what it looks like to serve my family as a wife. When I face a tough spot in marriage, I remind myself that God is a good Father, I am loved, and because of that love I am free to love my husband- flaws and all.

Now, let’s talk about my career. I took my first post-bachelor’s degree job because as a newly married couple, we needed an income and some stability. Brian worked a few part-time jobs, and I didn’t have anything lined up post-graduation. I jumped on the job that was offered: middle school public speaking and theatre teacher. I loved my students, but there were not many days where I felt my gifts and passions were being used.  I taught for 4 years before I allowed myself to leave to pursue a different path. I struggled with labeling myself a quitter and feeling as though I was majorly letting people down.

As a “planner” and “organizer,” my anxiety easily rose, as I didn’t even have a plan for what I was going to do next. When I finally started telling people I was leaving my job, I took a deep breath and let my trust fall on God to give me peace about the decision.  People often told me I was brave and impressed by my courage. What they may not have known is that I was absolutely terrified of falling flat on my face and failing.

I prayed and soaked in the stillness and calm of being in His presence. I allowed myself to dream, and after a lot of research and prayer, I applied to graduate school to study stage management (aka be the boss behind the scenes of a play). After submitting all of the paperwork and interviewing, I found out I took the very last spot for the upcoming year. God is good, and he most definitely provides. I asked boldly for direction with an honest, anxiety-filled heart about the future, and He answered.

I’d like to think that my 18-year-old self would be proud of the 26-year-old me. I look back at what I thought my life would look like now, and I laugh. God has changed my heart so much, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am learning to love being a dependent woman, who turns to the ultimate provider to calm my anxious heart when I am filled with fear of failing, and provide for me when I know I cannot do it myself.  Trust is a word that is invading my vocabulary. His plan is so much better than my own and incredibly exciting. I hope that never changes.

Make sure to head over to Sweeter Comfort to check out more by Kat! Thanks for stopping by for this week’s Womanly Wednesday!