All right, guys, we’re getting kinda real today. Posts like this are hard because they require a lot of vulnerability, but reading honest posts by brave bloggers helped me get through a season of our marriage where I felt deeply ashamed and alone. I hope you’ll read it with respect, compassion, and kindness (as you always do). Thanks for sharing the real and the hard with me, my friends.
In a lot of ways, I think Jordan and I were well-prepared for marriage (or at least as well-prepared as you can be). We’d talked through a ton of topics ranging from finances and hobbies to relationships, community, and general expectations. We were on the same page about so many things, and we’d had many wonderful couples remind us that getting married would not fill some void in our heart, that we would still wrestle with questions of identity and worth that we’d wrestled with for most of our lives.
But the one thing we quickly found out we weren’t so prepared for? Intimacy.
If you know me, you know I’m a type A, plan and research everything kind of person. So when it came to physical intimacy in our marriage, I read up on just as many books as I could. Many of these books were wise and insightful, and offered great practical and spiritual tips about how to intentionally pursue each other in this area of marriage. These were books recommended by pastors and other couples we knew and loved, and we absolutely gleaned some wisdom from them that we still apply today.
But the more I read, the more I started to feel like in their attempts to emphasize the importance of sexual intimacy in marriage, these authors made me feel it was the ONLY important thing in a marriage. The books would say something along the lines of, “If you want to know how a marriage is doing, look at their sex life!”
I think their intention was to communicate that physical intimacy is important, and a lack of it can be a warning that something is off in another area, but my perfectionist heart heard something a little different. I started to believe a dangerous truth about intimacy in marriage, one that would shape a lot of our hard conversations and arguments in that first year:
I started to believe that the only measure of a marriage that matters is the quality and frequency of sexual intimacy.
Why This Perspective is Dangerous
I entered into our marriage believing that as long as intimacy went well, as long as sex was awesome and perfect and we were having it 137 times per week, we’d know that our marriage was going well and we were okay. And as you can probably imagine, this did not bode well for our hearts in those first few months..
Source: Haley George Photography
Don’t get me wrong: there were sweet, joyful moments and we loved a lot of things about those first few months of marriage. But underneath it all, I started to feel a desperate desire to make sure intimacy in our marriage measured up to some invisible standard I’d set for myself and for us. I started to believe that unless we could figure out intimacy and make it be “perfect,” we wouldn’t be okay and I wouldn’t be okay. And that fear led us into discouraging, overwhelming cycle of conflict that we knew we’d have to break (you can read more about that conflict cycle here).
And maybe what hurt the most, what isolated me the most, is that I believed we were totally alone in it. I felt like every other couple had it figured out, that we were the only ones who didn’t get married and immediately have a sex life that was nothing but rainbows and joy. I felt a deep sense of shame that if I could somehow be less emotional and could turn my brain and heart off to just enjoy things, everything would be better. I felt like I was the cause of our struggles with intimacy, and the shame was overwhelming.
How We Started To Find Freedom
Like I described in this post a few months back, one of the biggest steps that helped us to break out of this cycle of hard conversations was reaching out to other couples and people who could counsel us and speak truth to us. There were lots of other issues intertwined with intimacy that we needed to work through, questions about communication, connection, and how to serve and love each well and other people well, and we knew that reaching out to share these struggles with people we trusted would help us to grow closer in all areas of intimacy – not just the physical.
Source: Haley George Photography
First, I met several times with a counselor from church, and finally spilling all of my confused and hurt thoughts about intimacy and marriage with someone who could just listen felt like a huge weight off my shoulders. Next, we met with the pastor who married us, and the real, honest questions he and his wife asked helped both of us to process through some hurt and lies we’d been believing about how we communicate and love each other well. And finally, we started meeting with a marriage counselor for a few months, so we could work even more specifically through the tangled web of disappointment, unmet expectations, and hurt that had started to define our intimacy, both physical and otherwise.
All of these wonderful people started to remind us that physical intimacy is just one part of a healthy, loving marriage (just like my husband had tried to remind me all along), and that real intimacy encompasses much more of our hearts as well. We started to see our marriage as something good, and our struggles with physical intimacy as something we could work through on our journey to know and love each other even better. We tried to start over with intimacy, to set new expectations that made sense for us instead of trying to live up to something we’d seen or read elsewhere.
Source: Haley George Photography
And most importantly, we started to realize that if we made the quality or frequency of our physical intimacy the measure of our marriage, we would lessen our desire to actually be with each other and continue in the same cycle we’d been in for over a year. Instead we decided to look at the parts of our marriage Jordan had been reminding me of all along.
We reflected on all the sweet time we were able to spend together because we intentionally kept our lives and our schedules slow. We talked about all of of the ways we were loving each other and other people by inviting them into our home to share meals and stories. We remembered all the reasons we love each other, the reasons that led us to be in a long distance relationship for two whole years before I moved to KC.
Our intimacy started to grow out of our desire to love one another, know one another, and be together, instead of a desire to prove something about ourselves or our marriage.
Sharing The Struggles
As we’ve continued to heal and started to share our journey with other couples in various seasons of marriage, we have been absolutely amazed to see how many people have wrestled with similar things. It seems like almost every couple we meet has some element of struggles with intimacy in their story, whether it’s physical issues, emotional struggles, or dealing with the long process of untangling how past experiences with intimacy shape our understanding and experience of intimacy now.
So friends, here’s my challenge. Can we stop being quiet and pretending that everything about sexual intimacy is wonderful and easy and without even the slightest struggle? Can we be honest that sometimes this thing that is supposed to be so “perfect” is actually really confusing and awkward? When people ask how marriage or intimacy is going, can we honestly say “It’s really freaking hard” and let the tears flow?
Every time I hear another woman say that intimacy has been hard it’s a weight off my shoulders. It reminds me that struggles with intimacy are normal, and that even the best, most loving and dynamic marriages will sometimes wrestle with struggles in this area. And if I feel that much relief when I know somebody else struggles, I have a feeling there’s a lot of other women longing for the same thing.
Let’s start loving each other well by being the first one to admit when things are hard, by being the first one in our small groups, our friend groups, and our close relationships to honestly describe the struggles in our marriage, whether with intimacy or otherwise. Let’s be the brave ones who open the floor by bursting into tears or sharing our stories so that other women feel free to do the same. Let’s sacrifice our own pride and supposed images of “perfection” so other women feel free to be anything but fine.
Sexual intimacy in marriage can be incredibly sweet and joyful, but it can also be confusing and challenging. When we can be honest with each other and our spouses about the good and the hard, we will start to see intimacy that encompasses so much more than just the physical, intimacy that allows us to hold the deep fears, desires, needs, and longings of our hearts with no fear of rejection or shame. And that, my friends, is real intimacy.
If you or someone you know is wrestling with issues in physical intimacy, I hope you’ll share this post with them. If we want to have real conversations about this aspect of marriage, WE have to be the brave ones who share our hearts and open the door for real, vulnerable conversations. Let’s value our spouses, our marriages, and our friendships enough to start those conversations.
I love how honest you are. I think many of us feel that way, but don’t have the braveness you have shown to reveal this. For me, intimacy is not just sexual, but it’s emotional as well. Kyle and I have focused on this so much in our marriage. As the other half of a couple who get to rarely see each other, we have to remind ourselves that sexual intimacy is not important as emotional. We have to take the time and realize this.
liz @ sundays with sophie
Thanks, Liz! I totally agree. There is so much more to intimacy than just the physical, and I’d say the physical only really goes well when the other elements are there too! Thanks for your encouragement!
Thank you for sharing so honestly and vulnerably. I have been married for 10.5 years and we have had a cyclical relationship with intimacy. It has been just plain hard. And I am so thankful to have friendships were its okay to talk about it, really talk without judgment. Thank you for starting that discussion.
Ashley recently posted…July: The Grace of Adventure
Thanks, Ashley! It’s so encouraging to me to hear that other people wrestle with this too. Thanks for your genuine comment!
Lauren recently posted…Five On Friday: Some Favorites!
I admire your vulnerability. Writing from your heart about something so personal requires so much courage. When our marriage hit a rough patch (a big understatement…but it’s a long story 😉 I felt very ashamed because I felt alone. I didn’t think any of my friends struggled in their marriages. Sadly, I see many marriages “suddenly” falling apart, and I wonder if they could have been saved had they had the courage to reach out and admit their struggles.
Thanks, Esther. I completely agree. Our church small group this year rocked my world because SO many of the wives wrestled with intimacy issues but had never talked about it until we started exploring it in group. Sharing the journey with them was so helpful for me and for our marriage! Thanks for your encouragement and thoughtful words!
I love this post! We are getting married sometime next year and I’m taking all the advice I can get. Your honesty and vulnerability were so sweet, and I’m sure such a help for everyone who reads.
Thanks, Carrington! I appreciate those sweet words. Congrats on your upcoming wedding…marriage is hard but the joy and the good far outweigh the challenges, I promise! It is so, so good! 🙂
Great post 🙂 I have been realizing some of these same problems with associating intimacy and sex. Since having a new baby sex has been less frequent, and I’ve learned to relish the moments we fall asleep holding hands just as much as a fall in the hay. It’s all about perspective and learning to ride the seasons out together in my opinion.
Bethany recently posted…Our Lake Adventure!
I’m sure! I bet that totally changes things for a million reasons. I love that…sometimes physical intimacy looks like sweet, quiet moments of just being close. Thanks for reading and commenting, Bethany!
Amen to this post! We all have our stories. Next month I will be speaking at a seminar on intimacy and sharing my story. It is so important that we speak up and bridge the gap so other women don’t feel so alone. You have done a beautiful job telling your story. Unfortunately, many couples don’t get the help they need right away like you did. I know I spent about 15 year with this silent struggle. May your words encourage other wives to reach out and find healing too! Blessings! Love, Rachael @ Inking the Heart
Thanks, Rachael! I LOVE that you are speaking at a seminar on this! I hope your words do the same and encourage many other husbands and wives to love each other wholly and well!
Lauren recently posted…Five On Friday: Some Favorites!
Thank you for honestly posting about something that so many of us struggle with! Your words are encouraging. I feel as though so often people measure their relationship success by their experience with sexual intimacy. And yes, it is a wonderful part of marriage! But thank you for reminding us that we’re not alone in the struggle of defining our marriages by sex. I love the idea of total intimacy – being one in ALL areas.
Alison [Life of Scoop] recently posted…How to Fight for Grace with Intention
I completely agree with you, Alison..there are so many other parts of marriage and intimacy that all tie together, and being one in those areas is just as important if not more important! Thanks for your sweet words 🙂
This post is spot on. I has been such a wake up call for me since I’ve been married as I’ve realized how far off my expectations were(are still…) from reality. I think a lot of times we don’t even realize we have these expectations until we feel something isn’t right and blame it on our spouse/relationship for failing to measure up. You are definitely not alone, and I truly appreciate your vulnerability in sharing this! Thank you 🙂
Olivia
simplylivblog.blogspot.com
Expectations are SO huge! That was definitely a big part of lots of our hard conversations that first year, and it’s so hard on our hearts to feel like we’re not meeting each other’s expectations. Thanks for your sweet words!
This is so good and so important. I actually wrote an article about this for a magazine (specifically, how my past of sexual abuse has impacted intimacy in my marriage), but I was afraid to share the article on my blog and on Facebook when it comes out in a few weeks. Over the last few days I’ve been thinking and wondering: Why would I bother to write the article if I’m not willing to share it publicly? Your post is the tipping point that I needed to get over my own pride and insecurity and to share this part of my story. Just talking about this with a few women in the last couple of weeks made me see that I am sadly not alone in my past, and some of these women who shared with me are some of my dearest friends. It broke my heart that we haven’t been open with one another about this, and that we’ve let the darkness win until now. No more! And sorry for writing a book of a comment here, but thank you, thank you, thank you for this post! <3
Brittany Bergman recently posted…10 Lessons Learned from the Home-Buying Process
Oh my gosh I LOVE that you left a book of a comment! I honestly had to sit down and have a solid (semi-panicked) heart to heart with Jesus this morning about sharing, but felt so confirmed that sharing this was a way that God could use my hurt and hard experiences to encourage other people to find freedom in Him. I already see so much of that in your writing, and I can’t wait to read that post! More woman need to talk about it, and I can’t wait to see how your beautiful words will encourage other women to seek freedom and healing. Thank you for reading and commenting, Brittany! I’m grateful for you!
Dang Lauren. I felt like shouting ‘Amen’ like 15 times reading this post 😉 Thank you, for sharing this. I had similar struggles my first year and a half of marriage. You are not alone at all. I love your call to be open and honest.
Loving your blog, it’s an inspiration 🙂
Jessie recently posted…Guest Post on Homeschooling & Sports
This is a wonderful post, thank you for your candor. I’ve been married for 9.5 years and there have been times when the physical intimacy was organic and easy, and other times we went months with none of the physical stuff but more of the emotional stuff… like falling asleep holding hands, love notes, long hugs and such. I have children and once those babies start coming, you really have to start again with finding the right intimacy routine. Everyone I know has struggled at some point in their marriage with this. I’m like you, planner and over analyzer, and needed to have the perfect married sex life. I’ve learned, like you stated, that intimacy is so much more than the physical part but the emotional.
I love hearing this from someone who’s farther down the road than we are. It’s so encouraging to know that everything comes in seasons, and that seasons of spring will always follow the harder seasons. Thanks for your sweet, genuine comment, Ashleigh!
Oh, Lauren…Marcus and I have been married 17 years now – and our sex life is very healthy as is our marriage. BUT…our marriage is not healthy because our sex life is healthy. It’s the other way around. And our marriage is healthy because we both have Jesus as Lord of our lives. Maybe the saying should be more like “If you want to know how a marriage is doing, look at their spiritual life.” While I don’t think the idea can be summed up in such a simple statement, there is more truth to that one than the other.
And, yes, there are seasons of sexual intimacy. It changes. After having a baby, being tired from running after toddlers, maybe one child needs extra medical care…so many things…so basing the health of a marriage on the frequency of sex – or how ‘hot’ it is – is unwise.
I am so thrilled that you and Jordan are on the right track! Makes me happy to hear how God is working in marriages!
We need to be open and honest about these topics – God will use our stories.
Holy moly I love that…how we are doing with the Lord absolutely impacts how we are doing in all other aspects of our marriage. That hard season I described was largely connected to the fact that it was a dry season where I felt confused and angry at God. Those things are so connected! Thanks for your sweet, encouraging, and thoughtful words, Aimee. I’m grateful for you!
So refreshingly honest! I’ve been married a little over a year now (living together a little more than 4 yrs) and although intimacy is super important in marriage, I think communication trumps all. Like you mentioned, really connecting on a deeper level, supporting each other through life’s ups and downs but most of all, experiencing life together is what makes marriage awesome. Trying new things, learning how life works, navigating life’s crazy turns, learning how each other work has made my marriage more fun and interesting than counting the number of days in a month we have sex. I hope more people get to read this post! 🙂
steffanie recently posted…My Charlotte Tilbury Collection & Thoughts
So true, Steffanie! There’s so much more to marriage and relationships than just that one piece, and we grow so much when we face life together. I love that! Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Lauren recently posted…Why Your Marriage Is More Than Your Sex Life
You’re so brave for posting this, and thank you for sharing so openly! I have been married for almost 10 years now, and sex is definitely only one part of intimacy. I think that Hollywood puts unnecessary pressure on men and women, especially to “perform” a certain way and takes the real intimacy out of the equation. Physical intimacy isn’t real intimacy unless there is a spiritual connection. This isn’t an easy topic to tackle and you did it with such poise and sensitivity. I’m so impressed.
Shannon Ketchum recently posted…Marinated Chicken Quesadillas w/ Peppers, Onions, Pepper Jack and Sharp Cheddar Cheese
Thanks, Shannon. I completely agree that Hollywood puts all sorts of crazy pressure on both genders! It definitely shifted our perspectives in ways we had to go back and work through so we could heal and grow. Thank you for your encouraging words! They mean a lot. 🙂
Your honesty is refreshing, and it really is important for people to understand that intimacy comes in so many other forms. When you’re married, you’re not just married for sex, you’re married based on a much deeper connection. Great post!
Danielle recently posted…Mommy Motivation: August Goals
Love the honesty in this post. So incredibly true, every bit of it. Marriage can be so difficult and intimacy is for sure one of the more difficult parts to figure out. My husband and I have been married for just over 10 years and I find that there are times when we are in a groove and times when we have to work on it, but as long as we are on the same page, it works! I am so glad you shared this! It helps others feel less alone!
Sandy recently posted…Weigh in Monday…Easy Menu Planning
Here from Tuesday Talk (co-host).. I’ve been married for 29 years. Let me tell you intimacy is NOT the most important part of a relationship. It is the icing on the cake. For women, intimacy begins in the mornings, throughout the day and ends in the bedroom at night. Meaning, it is more emotional for us and it requires nurturing us all day, in the little things and communicating your needs and wants with one another, well, no book can tell the TWO of you what that means. Brave post, honest and real. Love it! You got this girl!
Isolation is a threat to much of life, even in marriage. Isn’t it just like the devil to attempt to separate us? Your openness and vulnerability are refreshing, Lauren. Enjoyed stopping her today from #raralinkup and #testimonyTuesday.
Kristi Woods recently posted…Your Story: Nicolette Choi
It definitely is. Thanks for your encouragement, Kristi!
I loved everything you wrote, and so much of it ran true. Thank you for being so open and vulnerable today! Growing up in the LDS church, we were often taught how intimacy before marriage was a sin; so when I did get married, I struggled with “good girl syndrome” because, even though I knew I was married, it still felt wrong to be intimate. This really weighed heavily on the first few months of our marriage as we worked our way through it. We have learned that there is SO much more to marriage than sex; and so much more to meaningful sex that just being physical. 2.5 years later and we are in a very healthy and happy spot, but it was definitely a struggle to begin with!
Chelsie recently posted…BBQ Style & Gwynnie Bee Review
Yes, I can totally understand that from my own background too. It’s such a weird shift to make and plays crazy games with your mind (which is no good for being present and actually enjoying intimacy). I’m so glad that you all are growing and working through this issue too! Thanks for the thoughtful comment and encouragement, Chelsie!
Shortly before we got married , I had a wise friend share with me something she had heard a pastor say and that was this: Expect the first year or two of sex to not be that great. Oh, it will be fun a lot of the time, that’s for sure. But it takes a long time to get to where it is really great. Just realize it’s going to be awkward and frustrating at times and try to enjoy it as part of the process of learning.
That really helped free me up a lot and just enjoy things for what they were. Not that we never struggled, but it helped us both go into things with lower expectations and just have fun together.
Thanks for being vulnerable enough to share this. You most definitely are not alone! And I can’t tell you how often I’ve had someone say to me, after I’m honest with them about the tough things in our marriage, “You mean you deal with that too?!” We definitely need to stop trying to always make everything look perfect and be willing to be vulnerable and open with each other. I think we can learn so much from doing that as well as encouraging each other too!
Thanks for this thoughtful comment, Lydia. I think it’s so helpful when people help us to have more realistic expectations, even while they encourage us that it will be fun…just not perfect. We are definitely learning that! Vulnerability is so important in healing, and I’m grateful for your encouraging words and genuine thoughts here!
The outside world has a lot to say about intimacy (how often. where, how, when) and we are left to believe that there’s only one way to have a healthy sex life. I think that the best thing is to ignore those crazy “standards” coming from the outside and to focus on what we want as a couple. Great job on this post. you can be proud pf this one!
Emilie recently posted…Simple Life = Eco-friendly Life
It definitely does! We have to find the right balance for us, and ultimately that’s all that matters. Thanks for your sweet words, Emilie!
Wow, thank you for opening up about this. This is probably the #1 struggle in our marriage. Not that our intimacy is bad, just that it always seems like there are “expectations” about how often. Books and magazines are so misleading about that. I’m fortunate that I have a group of close girlfriends that have a private facebook group and sometimes we talk about this sort of thing – and it made me realize that we weren’t alone and most people usually weren’t getting it on every day, or even multiple times per week. I agree with you, it’s a weight off of the shoulders to learn that.
Becky @ Disney in your Day recently posted…Book Review: Isle of the Lost
Yes, isn’t it crazy how huge this issue can become in a marriage? Our hearts are so tied into it and it’s a big thing to wrestle with. I’m so glad you have such a great community to share it all with. I bet that makes a huge difference!
Lauren, thank you for being brave with your struggles. I know a good friend whose marriage ended because they couldn’t get past that first year they struggled with physical intimacy. This is an area that can be worked on. It just requires vulnerability and trust with one another as you work together. Thank you, Lauren, for being open as you share your heart at #IntentionalTuesday on Intentionally Pursuing. : )
Crystal Storms recently posted…Intentional Tuesday Linkup {Week 29}
Thanks, Crystal. It’s amazing how many couples wrestle with it but don’t share out of fear and shame. Thanks for your sweet words!
Hi Lauren – I’m so glad to be your neighbor at Unite today…Wow, did you ever dive into a tricky topic with both feet! But, like the other commenters – your candor was refreshing and thank you for not diving too deeply into details… Isn’t it amazing how we set ourselves up for failure by unreasonable expectations? Especially expectations that come from other sources (enter books, movies, …) A marriage is a partnership in all things – intimacy is one. But, that said, the intimacy needs to be a partnership, too – and that takes the kind of communication and trust that you write about. I’m so glad you were both secure enough to reach out for help and advice. It sounds like you’re not only on the right track – but your post will help others as well. You are one brave woman! 🙂
Janet recently posted…Jesus is Here
There is so much wisdom in this post. This is a topic that is so difficult to discuss, but takes a lot of bravery to be “that person” to admit that intimacy is tough. Thank you for your honesty and willingness to be bold. I’m visiting from #intentionaltuesday.
Samantha recently posted…Unplanned Parenthood
Thanks, Samantha! I appreciate your encouragement 🙂
Lauren, I will Amen this over and over! It is REALLY hard. Between the propagated view of what a sex life “should” be like and the curve balls life throws at us, intimacy easily becomes a giant mess! Thank you so much for being so transparent. God is using your words to bring freedom! 🙂
Blessings and smiles,
Lori
Lori Schumaker recently posted…What I Found At His Feet
So, so true! I’m definitely learning that different life seasons make it more challenging to pursue each other in this area. Thank you for your encouragement!
What a post full of truth and wisdom! Thank you for addressing a topic that isn’t talked about often enough- it has been an encouragement to me and I know it will be to others.
Thanks, Sarah! I appreciate that. 🙂
And the longer we’re married, the more we appreciate the many shades of intimacy, the many faces of how it presents itself, and the graces and sacrifices that come with this loveliest of gifts.
Heading to 40 years … and loving it!
;-}
Thanks, Lauren. This was so very good!
Linda Stoll recently posted…A Month Not Soon Forgotten . . .
Yes, so beautifully said. I can’t wait to be 40 years down the road and see all the ways God has grown us and worked in us!
I hear you. Intimacy is hard and worth investing in. It would be nice if this topic didn’t bring up all my stuff but it does …and it’s a prime place for me to get stuck but I am trying to work through it. Thanks for sharing
So, so true. It’s challenging but worth the effort!
You just keep spreading light through your transparent self and this place keeps growing into what you always wanted it to be 🙂 What a conversation around the table, right? The words are precious and pictures are gorgeous. P.S. I messaged you via FB about something else.
Christi Gee recently posted…The Perfectly UNperfect Post
Wow, thanks Christi! And thanks, I do love those pictures too. Can’t wait to print them and have them around our house! 🙂
What an important issue and a necessary conversation as women of God!! As a counselor, I see many couples struggling to find “perfection” and complete fulfillment in the bedroom. It’s like trying to trap vapor in a bottle. Thank you for encouraging all of us with your personal experience. Many blessings today!
Thanks, Meg! Love that…”like trying to catch vapor in a bottle.” That’s so very true! Thanks for stopping by!
I think intimacy in marriage is just one of many things that can be a challenge. Really, I believe it is just one of many opportunities we have to serve/love one another. We will be celebrating 20 yrs of marriage this fall, and in the beginning it was a challenge (and sometimes still). My husband usually wants intimacy more often than I, but I came to realize that often, it’s just what I needed, too. And if not, helping my husband in this way is really pretty easy – I mean, it could be really complicated and difficult, but this, this is pretty easy:) And if he says this helps him, well, ok then. I believe him. I don’t know what a perfect sex life is, but if my motive is to love, that’s a good thing:)
Ha I love that! Sometimes intimacy is about serving and doing something to love our partner well, rather than just thinking about ourselves. It’s definitely something that challenges us and stretches us to love each other better! Thanks for your thoughtful comment, TJ!
Intimacy has been a struggle for me as well. It was hard to go from being told to “guard your heart” to all of a sudden be naked (literal and figuratively) with my husband. I will say that consistent intimacy is very important for my husband (it’s that love and respect cycle) and generally speaking we relate better with one another. The one thing I’ve learned though is that intimacy goes beyond the physical act — sharing our desires and dreams are important too.
It is something only we can share with one another.
Catherine Short recently posted…Currently / / August
It is such a crazy transition, and you’re right that there are so many different emotional aspects to it than just the physical. Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Catherine!
Loved this post! We had similar struggles in marriage and I so appreciate your honesty and openness! I know it will help a lot of women who feel the same kind of shame you, and I, experienced in this arena!
What a refreshingly honest post, Lauren!
I really like this line, “Can we be honest that sometimes this thing that is supposed to be so “perfect” is actually really confusing and awkward?”
I do think that we have been very buttoned up as Christians about issues that are really hard. We talk about everything BUT those things that are really important and painful.
Appreciate you taking off the mask and challenging us to do the same.
Came over on Faith Filled Friday.
Hope you have a blessed day today~
Melanie
Melanie Redd recently posted…Are You in the Middle of a Difficult Dilemma?
Lauren, I love your transparency. If you are able to be so intimate with your readers, I have no doubt that you have an ability to be intimate with the one who matters most. As an older woman who has been married twice, I found physical intimacy something that waxes and wanes through the years and through the seasons (For sure, it changes drastically when the children come!). In the beginning, there are so many expectation, that, as you mentioned, you feel the need to do it right and perfect. The pressure to perform can backfire and cause hurt to the one you’re trying to please.
The longer you’re married, and the older you get, the more physical intimacy changes its face. Sexual intimacy can become comfortable, and physical intimacy becomes a whole different thing. It’s actually kind of nice getting older, because it takes the pressure off to perform. Thank you for your vulnerability, honesty and transparency. Your neighbor at Blessing Counters.
Mary Dolan Flaherty recently posted…Lessons Learned While Lying Face Down in the Dirt
WONDERFUL post – as everyone else is saying, your honesty is very refreshing. I agree with you on those books on sex. They emphasize it so much more than it needs to be. I didn’t read a single marriage book before getting married and I am actually very glad I didn’t. We did pre-marital counseling with our pastor beforehand and from that stemmed a lot of communication between us. No book can give you the answers on marriage. After we were married, a friend gave a Christian marriage book, and while it had good points and stemmed SOME good conversations, it left me feeling like we were doing something wrong. When I got too busy to finish reading it, lo and behold, our marriage was back to the happy state it had been in before and I stopped over thinking things that weren’t even issues.
I know those books are meant to be a help – but sometimes I think they add fuel to a non-existent fire. Every marriage is different and I think one of the great joys is finding out your marriage’s idiosyncrasies on your own – then I think it can come so naturally!
Joy recently posted…How to Travel Every Day
Once again Lauren, great job! This isn’t an easy subject to write on. I can tell you after many years of marriage that you on right on target. Rev and I have had many conversations about intimacy. Different seasons. Differing issues. Just keeping loving and talking! Blessings!
Deb+Wolf recently posted…Why “Wait Right Here” Is a Terrible Idea
Thanks for your encouragement, Deb. It definitely comes in seasons, and we’re learning to take those seasons as they come instead of wishing them away. Thanks for reading and commenting!
A difficult topic to write about and one you handled do well. Even when you’ve been married a while it’s worth being reminded that love is expressed in so many ways.
Thanks, Suzi! I completely agree. Love in marriage can be expressed in so many ways!
Thank you for this, sometimes I wonder if my hubby and I are “weird” as we are not intimate very often (comparatively)… However, I feel that we have a wonderful marriage. Your post really shows that this is only but one part of a successful and fulfilling marriage. Again, Thank You!
Annie recently posted…Downsizing Me Log – 8/7/2015
Yes, we have SO been there! It’s been huge to remember that there is so much more to marriage than sex, and our marriage can be good even when that one part is hard for a while. Thanks for reading and commenting!
I have been married for 36 years, and you have a lot of wisdom in this post!!
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Thanks, Sandy! I appreciate your sweet words!
I applaud you so much for posting this. I feel like especially when we’re young we have this pressure on us to be sexual all the time with our partners. Thanks so much for sharing!
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Thanks, Liz! I agree…because we’re all young and feisty, right? 😉 It really is so much more complicated though, and we’re learning to love each other in the midst of the complexity!
This is such TRUTH! We were the same way when we were first married. It’s overwhelming how much people stress the importance of sex in your marriage. While I agree it’s important to have a healthy sex life, marriage is about so much more than that.
Ashley L recently posted…How Instant Christ Keeps Busy Social Media Users Connected With God
Isn’t it crazy how good-intentioned advice can sometimes unintentionally steer us in the wrong direction? Marriage is about so much more, even when it’s hard to remember that.
What a lovely, honest post. You are so right- my sister and I were just talking about this the other day. On TV shows and in movies, people are throwing each other against the wall, ripping their clothes off, getting intimate on the kitchen table- my sister, sort of awkwardly was like, “umm…are we doing something wrong? It’s not like that for us.” It opened up a great conversation about real intimacy and marriages we experienced.
Thanks, Lindsay! Haha I have totally had that thought myself as we’ve watched crazy scenes in movies. So glad you and your sister are having real conversations about all that!
I am so glad that I found your blog!!! Thank you for commenting on my posts so that I could discover it!! 🙂 LOVE this post so much. I think the other important thing to remember is that intimacy is so much more than sex. Have you ever listened to any One Extraordinary Marriage podcasts? They talk a lot about the “intimacy lifestyle” as they call it and have this whole plan for scheduling sex, but they also have a few podcasts where they talk about intimacy in other areas of your marriage. Financial intimacy, spiritual intimacy, etc. and I loved that reminder! My husband was just recently out of town and when he got back, one of the first things we did was cuddle up in our bed and talk about our week and that was honestly one of my favorite things in the world.
P.S. The pictures of you guys are gorgeous!!!
Amberly recently posted…The Perks of Being Married to a Sports Professional
I can totally relate with having invisible personal standards set really high at the beginning of marriage, feeling the pressure of your whole wellness and health as a family resting on that one variable. Yikes! My hubs and I were also long distance until marriage.
If you don’t mind sharing, I’d love to know what some of those questions were that your pastor asked you guys to think through?
Thanks! Found you on the Peony Project. I blog at Spirit-Filled Simple, http://www.lucyMargaret.com 🙂
Lucy recently posted…God, Mold My Heart
Thank you for writing this post! We’ve been married only about four months and this area has by far been the most difficult to wrestle with. Hearing someone else putting it to words helps immensely!
Bethany Lotulelei recently posted…Dallas on the Weekend
Bethany, I hate hearing that you’re struggling with this but am so glad to know you connected with this and can relate to our struggles. I hope you guys are able to keep moving forward and finding joy and hope in intimacy!
Lauren, this was an amazing post. Thank you so much for your vulnerability in choosing to talk about this topic. It’s huge, though, and I don’t think people talk about that enough! Expectations can be so high, and trust me, I read all of those kinds of books, too! I really enjoyed reading through everyone’s comments, too – especially hearing reassuring (and sound) advice from those who have been married longer than our 1 1/2 years over here! 🙂
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Lovely article! While sexual intimacy is a great thing to have, emotional intimacy and maturity are the best part of marriage. And, these are the parts which need to be increase with the age of marriage. Thanks for the honest post. Trust me, you are not alone who feel like this.