If you are dating someone, married, or have been either of those things at some point, you know that arguments with your significant other happen. Any time we share our hearts, bodies, and souls with another person, it’s inevitable that some sort of friction will rise up. Even the best happily ever after’s have a solid argument every once in a while, and anyone who tells you differently is either lying or hasn’t been married long enough to get down to the nitty-gritty (it only took us maybe…hmm….3 days into marriage to get to this point. We’re over-achievers, you know?)
Source: Kenzie Kate Photography
The first 1.5 years of marriage were especially hard. We reached a point last year where it felt like we were constantly having hard conversations that ended with Jordan frustrated and me crying. It felt like all of our fights were just the same thing over and over, but we didn’t know how to break the cycle. I was already wrestling with depression in some ways, and this cycle made me feel hopeless that God could heal the broken and hurting parts in our marriage or in our hearts.
Identifying Our Marriage conflict cycle
When we went to counseling last fall to start to work through some of my depression and these issues in our marriage, our counselor had us talk through what our arguments typically looked like. She slowly drew out a diagram on a piece of paper as we talked, and as we looked at her diagram, we started to realize that many of our arguments stemmed from the same issues in our hearts and pasts. Even when the topics of the conversations were different, our heart reactions and responses to each other were very similar.
Our conflict cycle usually looked something like this:
- Hurt or Disappointment: I feel hurt, rejected, or disappointed by something, and push it down for a few days trying to avoid actually talking about it with Jordan. Jordan notices, and things between us get weird. I know now that a lot of this hurt or disappointment came from needs and emptiness in my own heart, not Jordan, but at the time I blamed him.
- Confrontation: I bring up my hurt or disappointment to Jordan, usually with tears.
- Frustration: Jordan feels attacked and gets defensive, trying to explain why my feelings aren’t justified or how his intentions were good in whatever happened.
- Shame: I feel ashamed of how my emotions have impacted my husband and feel like I am too emotional, too sensitive, just too MUCH. I start crying and trying to somehow take back everything I said.
- Shut Down: Jordan feels frustrated and overwhelmed by the conversation and I feel sad and ashamed. We both start to shut down.
Sometimes these conversations would end with real, honest sharing and reconciliation that drew us closer to each other and closer to God’s heart and purpose in our marriage. But many times, these conversations left us exhausted, hurt, and confused. This hurt and confusion would build for a while until something set it off, and then the cycle would start again.
Understanding our Marriage Conflict Cycle
Source: Kenzie Kate Photography
Once we had a general cycle drawn out, our counselor challenged us to dive deeper. What was really going on in each of these parts of the cycle? What emotions and desires were underneath the hurt, frustration, and sadness? When we looked more deeply at this cycle and how we felt during it, we realized that underneath the surface were the more painful emotions you see below:
- Hurt or Disappointment: I deeply desire to feel chosen and loved by Jordan, and when I felt like he chose something else over me or rejected me in some way, I felt hurt and unchosen.
- Confrontation: Jordan’s approval means everything to me, so I tried to bring it up and regain his approval of me.
- Frustration: Where I desperately want Jordan’s approval, Jordan wants to feel like he is leading and loving me well. He wants to feel like he is meeting my needs and being the man I want him to be. When I expressed a disappointment with him, he feels like he is failing me, and tries to defend himself as a result.
- Shame: When Jordan defends himself, I feel like he is invalidating my feelings. In my mind, not only does he not approve of me, he is frustrated and annoyed by my emotions and neediness. I wrestle with deep feelings of shame that I will never be the wife or woman I long to be.
- Shut-down: I am so overwhelmed by shame and insecurity that I shut down. Jordan feels overwhelmed by my emotions and like he’ll never be enough for me, and starts to feel hopeless.
Whew. Doesn’t all that sound like SO much fun?
Breaking our Marriage Conflict Cycle
At first, it was pretty hard to wrap our minds around all this. All of these crazy emotions were underneath those arguments about who did the dishes? But friends, starting to understand this cycle was what finally helped us to break free of it.
Working through the cycle of our marital conflict revealed how much we both held up each other and our marriage as idols. I looked to Jordan’s approval to give me worth and meaning, and Jordan looked to the success of our marriage to give him worth and meaning (this is a simplified version of it…but you get the picture!). As such, all of these conversations had an eternal weight to them. And because we felt like our value as people was at stake, every argument had the power to completely devastate us.
If my eternal value as a woman rests on how Jordan responds to me in an argument, then I will respond with desperation and shame when he says something hurtful. If Jordan’s eternal value as a man rests on my always being content and satisfied with him, then he will feel like a failure every time my emotions change or I’m hurt by him.
When we let our worth rest on our spouse’s shoulders, our marriages will buckle beneath the weight.
Moving Forward
This cycle of looking to each other to fill all of our needs (and getting frustrated and sad when it didn’t work out), was absolutely exhausting. We knew that if we wanted to break the cycle, we had to start understanding the root issues beneath our frustration and addressing those.
For me, a big step in breaking the cycle was bringing my needs and disappointments to God before I brought them to Jordan. I poured these things out in a journal and let God show me when my hurt was a result of my looking to Jordan to fill all my needs versus something that we needed to talk about, apologize, and ask forgiveness for. This time with Jesus made me more confident when I did bring something up with Jordan, and I was able to take captive the thoughts of shame and replace them with God’s truths that I am loved and my emotions are worth expressing and exploring. This confidence also helped me to respond to Jordan’s frustration with grace and compassion instead of just sadness and tears.
Source: Kenzie Kate Photography
Jordan started to see that my bringing up some sort of hurt or disappointment was not a reflection of his value as a man, but rather an opportunity for us to express our needs, apologize and ask for forgiveness, and move closer to each other and closer to God. He was more able to listen to my hurts without taking on all the responsibility for them, and gently point me back to the only One who could actually fill all of my needs.
By working through and understanding the root issues in our conflict cycle, we were able to break it and stop having the same fights over and over again. We still wrestle with all of these things and when the hard conversations arise, it is a moment-by-moment battle to choose truth and fight for each other’s hearts instead of against them. But we are learning that in the safety of God’s arms, surrounded by the truths that we are known, loved, and ENOUGH, we can work through these hard conversations.
A challenge to all you married (or dating) folks
Jordan and I have found such hope in these last six months through understanding our conflict cycle and taking steps to break free of it. If you and your spouse (or significant other) find yourself stuck in this kind of rut, I hope you’ll try to follow these steps below:
- Identify your cycle of conflict: Look at your arguments from an outsiders’ perspective and analyze them. Who usually initiates and why? What kind of emotions do you feel when you argue and how do you behave as a result of those emotions? How do the conflicts usually end? Write or draw these things out and try to identify any patterns.
- Dive deeper into the cycle: What is going on beneath each of those emotions and behaviors? What are you hoping for in your spouse or your marriage? What needs, desires, expectations, and hopes are not being met? What past hurts or experiences are affecting how you respond to your spouse? Look for the heart issues beneath your responses to your spouse instead of what your spouse did to “make” you feel that way.
- Figure out how to break the cycle: I’ll be honest…there’s no step-by-step way to go about this. It’ll take a lot of prayer and lots of real, vulnerable, and maybe even painful conversations to figure out what it looks like to move forward. But as you talk through your desires and start to identify where you are looking to each other to fill needs you weren’t meant to fill, you will start to find freedom. When arguments arise, you’ll start to see yourself and your spouse with a more curious, compassionate heart, and seek to understand the WHY behind their responses and behavior instead of just focusing on your own emotions. And if you’re like us, you’ll find incredible hope in knowing that ultimately, the only one who knows your Hearts completely and can fill your needs is the One who created you.
Source: Kenzie Kate Photography
Jordan and I are no means masters of conflict, and we still wrestle with these things every time we feel hurt or tempers flare up. But every day, we are choosing to dive deeper into the conflicts of our marriage instead of avoiding them and choosing temporary “comfort.”
It’s so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day realities of work, family, and raising littles. We see so many of our friends putting off working on their marriage until things aren’t so busy or until things get easier, which I completely understand. But friends…will things ever get easier or less busy? Or will the busyness just shift and take different forms?
The time to work on our marriages is NOW, because we never know how much time we have with the ones we love. I would hate to look back on these years as years we lost, instead of as years we spent fighting the good fight for real, transforming intimacy and a marriage that wrecks us, transforms us, and points us to the Father.
Conflict in marriage can feel overwhelming at times, and it is tempting to push the hurt feelings and hard hearts aside to temporarily avoid discomfort and protect ourselves. But there is freedom to be found in digging in our heels and looking inside our hearts to the roots of our conflict cycles.
May we always look for that freedom and fight for our marriages with our whole hearts.
I’m linking back to this post at Imparting Grace, Embracing His Will, A Life In Balance, Purposeful Faith, A Fresh Start On A Budget, What Joy Is Mine, The Beauty In His Grip, Strangers And Pilgrims On Earth, Soul Survival, Me Coffee and Jesus, Women With Intention, A Little R & R, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Coffee For Your Heart,Serving Joyfully, 3D Lessons 4 Life, The Deliberate Mom, Dance With Jesus,Missional Women, Busy Being Blessed, Live Free Thursdays, Whole Hearted Wednesdays, Thriving Thursdays, Christian Mommy Bloggers, Still Saturdays, and Modest Mondays.
How wise of you to take a step back and look at your relationship like this! If you are doing this already, I’m sure your marriage will grow and be amazingly strong. I have a feeling that many go through that same cycle, but have no idea that it’s happening.
Emily recently posted…Summer Reading List
Thanks, Emily! I appreciate your encouragement!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Anxiety
Wonderful post as it so encourages us all to work and fight hard for our marriages. Marriages truly can be challenging but the reward from it is immeasurable. Thank you for the reminder to dig deep, not give up and to continually work at it. And I loved your wedding pictures. Just beautiful! Blessings!
Joanne Viola recently posted…Five More Women
Thanks for reading, Joanne. I totally agree with you…the reward is immeasurable! Thanks for stopping by!
A good marriage is a LOT of work- more than I ever dreamed it would be. 🙂 You are so brave to face your marriage conflict head on and to not put it off for a less busy season. Like you said, will life ever get less busy? I love the various steps you shared here and they make a lot of sense. Thanks for your openness and honesty about your relationship. And that part about marriage being bigger than yourselves and needing to find your identity and worth in Christ? So important and so key! But I think it’s something that many of us often forget.
Lydia @ Thrifty Frugal Mom recently posted…Our $200 Grocery Budget: How a Price List Saves Money
I agree with you…more work and more joy than I dreamed! Thanks for your encouraging words. I appreciate you stopping by and commenting, Lydia! I hope you have a great week!
It’s lovely to see photos of you and your husband interspersed in this post. You can really see the love between you and why you want to break this conflict cycle: because you love each other 🙂
Thanks for those sweet words, MB! 🙂
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Anxiety
This is such an eye-opener for me, Lauren. I’ve been married for four years now and I can definitely relate to the cyclical nature of an argument. I never thought to dig deeper into the actual cycle, however. And now that you’ve mentioned it, it makes a lot of sense. It’s one thing to get to the root of the problem, but it’s another to get to the root of the process of having that problem as well. You’re right, marriage is hard, but if it’s worth it to both of you, compromising and working through the hardships is the best way to ease the tension. Thank you for being so honest and sharing your experience with us.
Maria recently posted…3 Simple Beauty Tips for Busy Moms
I’m so glad you connected with our story here and appreciate your sweet words. 🙂 Isn’t it crazy how those things can start to build and keep repeating themselves? It was so eye-opening to realize that for us as well. I’ll be praying that you and your hubby can start to work through the roots of your conflict cycle as well! Thanks for stopping by, Maria!
Such an insightful and helpful post for someone like my husband and I who are working hard to resolve issues with conflict in our marriage. This has made me realise that sometimes love is enough to save a marriage so thank you. Stopping by from Titus Tuesday
Kelly recently posted…Turn it Up Tuesday Link Up Party #93 Co-Host
Thanks, Kelly! I’m so glad you and your husband are fighting hard to resolve those conflict issues instead of just letting them be. It can be hard but so, so worth it! Thanks for stopping by!
I love your pictures, they are so, so good. We have an idea in mind when we marry that it’s going to be just like all the fairy tale books we read growing up. But, it isn’t. It’s work. Hard, hard work.
HOWEVER, marriage is the best job you’ll ever work your hardest at. It’s interesting, I’m your neighbor this week on Tuesday Talk, and I wrote on marriage also. Mine has been going on for 28 years.
You are so wise to have gotten counselling early on and learned from it. You’re right, it will be an ongoing process for the rest of your life – that learning and growing – but oh, so very rewarding!
Thank you for sharing this valuable information today!
Aw thanks, Ruthie! I appreciate your sweet words and totally agree with you. Marriage is hard but so sweet and totally worth the work. I’m excited to pop over to your blog and learn from your marriage experience! Thanks for stopping by!
Lauren you are my neighbor at Testimony Tuesday and I am so glad. Girl, you stated these truths beautifully. All of us needed to hear them and need to work through them for ourselves. Love this, “When we let our worth rest on our spouse’s shoulders, our marriages will buckle beneath the weight.” Oh how it has taken a long time for me to realize that my dear hubby cannot be my everything. God must be. I appreciate your transparency friend. Blessings!
Carmen Horne-carmenhorne.com recently posted…Divorce Isn’t The End Of The Story…
Thanks, Carmen. I have a feeling I will spend most of my life preaching those truths to myself as well! Thanks for stopping by!
I love this so much, especially because I would love to see more couples go to counseling to let a third party with wisdom help them learn to work things out better. We all struggle in various ways in our marriages, and we thought for a long time that going to counseling meant we had serious problems. When we finally went, it wasn’t because we had fallen apart, but b/c we wanted to know how to resolve conflict better…she helped us see the deeper issues and years later, the conflict takes place rarely. We are still in awe and praising God. Thanks for sharing this with #RaRaLinkup today!
Yes, counseling is the best! I feel like it could be helpful for almost all couples on a regular basis. Almost like a yearly doctor’s checkup for your marriage! I’m so glad that you all found hope and healing in the midst of counseling as well. Thanks for stopping by!
Lauren, I love how the two of you are digging deep and fighting for your marriage. I find the time my husband truly fails me are the times I am looking to him to fill a need only God can fill. Thank you, Lauren, for sharing your heart at #IntentionalTuesday on Intentionally Pursuing. : )
Crystal Storms recently posted…Intentional Tuesday Linkup {Week 25}
Thanks for your encouragement, Crystal! I completely agree…I am often just piling on burdens and expectations my husband was never meant to fill. Thanks again for hosting!
Love this —> “When we let our worth rest on our spouse’s shoulders, our marriages will buckle beneath the weight.” Amen. Your honesty and the freshness of it is encouragement for any marriage, both new and not-so-new unions. My husband and I don’t argue much these days, but we argued often during the transitional first two years of our marriage. It takes a bit to become familiar with each other. The steps you’ve taken highlight this and will certainly be a light to others. #tellHisstory
Kristi recently posted…3 Ways to Fix Your Eyes
Thanks, Kristi! I love hearing from folks further down the road that it does get easier (or at least the challenges change) and there are joyful, fun seasons we can look forward to! Thanks for reading and encouraging me!
This is SO SO good. I feel like I’m going to need to reread it 3-4 times to really get a grasp of it so I can implement it in my own marriage. I also especially connected with it because it sounds like we maybe had a similar story- really rough first 1.5 years of marriage, finally decided to do something about some of my depression/anger and we got into counseling ourselves. We’ve definitely talked about our cycles in counseling too but this is a little bit more concrete approach to it that I really like and feel like we can continue to work on during the times we’re not in counseling. Thank you SO SO SO much for this post- it’s always good to hear from others that have faced the same things we have.
Sarah J recently posted…The Day My Dad Embarrassed Me {and had no idea why}
And I’m pinning it so I can go back to it easily 😀
Sarah J recently posted…The Day My Dad Embarrassed Me {and had no idea why}
Sarah, thank you so much for your sweet, heartfelt comment! I’m so glad that y’all were able to seek counseling and pursue your own hearts and each others’ hearts in the midst of the craziness that is the first few years of marriage. 🙂 I’d love to hear more about your story sometime! Thanks for the encouragement and the pinning! 🙂
I love your words and you willingness to share such honest, raw emotions and challenges that you and your husband have been facing. The best part is your strong encouragement for all that marriage is with fighting for and taking the time to work on it is so important. Blessed to be visiting you from Messy Marriage today.
Mary Geisen recently posted…I Have A Voice
Thanks, Mary! I appreciate your encouragement. 🙂
Visiting from Women with Intention
there are times that I feel like my husband and I are often in a marriage conflict cycle, but this is a wonderful post on identifying and breaking that cycle. Thank you for your honesty, I need to look a little more deeply in this for myself.
liz @ sundays with sophie
Liz Joiner recently posted…the story of us
For sure…I think we often just don’t realize how cyclical our arguments can become. Thanks for stopping by!
I found your post on Tuesday Talk (co-host here) and this takes much courage to put yourself out there for others to see and how you are taking a very sensitive subject and turning it into helping others. So many great points here and being married 29 years in September , my husband and I can relate to so much in this. We too have had our bouts of counseling over the years and it does help to establish what the root of the problems are so you can begin to work on them. Giving you a shout out feature on this coming Tuesday’s Talk. Stop back next week and see what I have to say. Well done and keep fighting for your marriage!
Thanks, Michelle…I’m honored you stopped by! I’m sure we could learn a lot from you and your hubby. If we learn half as much in the next 25 years as we have in the last two years we’ll be marriage experts, right? 🙂
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Anxiety
Thanks for sharing your heart so openly. I can definitely recognise some of these patterns, although I don’t think ours are exactly the same. I tend to bury my emotions too. It can be scary going really deep into things can’t it, but it’s worth it when we find out the real reason for our disagreements.
I agree with you, Ally…it’s so hard to dig deep and figure out what’s really going on in our hearts but so valuable. Thanks for stopping by!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Anxiety
Thank you for sharing! For me, the newlywed was the hardest phase of marriage so far! We had a cycle and still fall into it some, but I know what it is and where it comes from. That knowledge makes such a difference!
Sarah Donegan recently posted…A Year of Intentional Spending
Thanks for the encouragement that it just keeps getting better. I appreciate you stopping by and commenting, Sarah!
So much truth in this post, and I must say that I LOVE your pictures. Everyone of them is just radiant!
Michele Morin recently posted…First Person, Singular
Aw, thanks Michele! I appreciate that!
Thanks for sharing your personal testimony so that we could learn and grow from it. Iron sharpens iron! 🙂
I have noticed with my husband and I that all of our arguments stem from one specific area for my husband and one specific area for me. I always say he and I fight like guys who “duke it out” and then five minutes later they are fine with each other. The only thing with that approach, is we are not dealing with it head on, but because we have moved on so fast, the cycle repeats itself.
Thank you for the reminder to pray and ask God to help heal those deep areas for both my husband and I and the vulnerability to talk it through together.
Thanks, Karen! It’s so true that we all have different ways we deal with conflict and work through things, and at least knowing what the cycle looks like is a huge step. Thank you for your sweet words and I hope y’all are able to keep fighting the good fight for intimacy and real conversations!
wow. these are some great, great tips! and i’m so glad you linked back to your older post about counseling so i could read that too! i definitely needed to read this post today, so thank you! 🙂
Thanks, Robyn! I’m so glad you connected with those posts. Thanks for stopping by!
You’ve shared some wonderful in-depth guidance about conflict resolution within marriage. I appreciate your Godward focus, and the way you’re helping others from the well of your own experience. Thank you for linking up with us at Grace & Truth!
Jennifer recently posted…“Love the LORD Your God” ~ a 6-week study
Aww thanks, Jennifer! You are so sweet. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Man, Lor. Looks at all these comments! It is true, indeed, that you are doing something amazing with your honesty and words. I love you, and want both you and Jord to know how much I care for the both of you and am constantly admiring and appreciative of the relationship you fight to have.
I miss you today!
Tail
taylorothomas recently posted…to ash
Aww thanks, Tail! I love you and am grateful for you!
Wow, I have never heard it described this way! We had been stuck in a conflict cycle, and then I decided to actually listen to what he was saying instead of trying to get him to meet all my needs. My goodness has that made a difference! These pictures of you two are gorgeous!
Bethany Lotulelei recently posted…Dallas on the Weekend
We have been amazed at what a difference it makes when we try to listen instead of just express our own thoughts. It’s huge! thanks for your sweet words!
I had to laugh inside reading this. My husband and I just celebrated our first year anniversary last month. What you shared sounded so similar to things Andrew and I discovered about ourselves and each other as we found ourselves in conflict. Many times we found ourselves up late into the night trying to resolve an argument and not go to bed angry with each other. Working through those things though, instead of burying them, has drawn us closer, and we continue to seek our ultimate fulfillment in Jesus too! That makes us have more joy in each other for sure and be able work through conflict in better ways. Thank you for the encouragement!
It’s good that you took the time to go to the marriage counselor to find this conflict cycle. More people need to speak to a professional to find problems like this and try to fix them. Marriage isn’t the smoothest roller coaster, and sometimes you need to get someone to preform maintenance on it to prevent it from breaking.