Welcome to this week’s Womanly Wednesday! It is always an honor to have women share their hearts in this series, and this week’s post really touched me with its honesty and rawness. Autumn, a blogging friend from Stay Gold Autumn, is opening up about her experiences growing up with a sister with many mental health issues. I can relate to some of this from my own extended family and some of it from friends and their families, and I hope that anyone who’s in Autumn’s (or her sister’s) shoes is encouraged by her words here today.
A Doctor approached my dad in the hospital. “Is this your child?” My dad replied. “Did you adopt your child?” My dad replied. The doctor looked back and forth from my sister to my father and said: “I wouldn’t have bet a penny on this child’s life a year ago.”
My parents adopted my sister at the age of 3, but she had almost died from malnutrition multiple times before being placed into foster care. A year or two after the adoption, my parents were in an abuse seminar when my Mom realized that they were passing my sibling’s pictures around as examples; in that meeting, my parents found out that my sister was placed into foster care after being in the worse child abuse situation the state said it had seen.
I’ve always been very cautious about talking about my sister’s experiences, and my experiences as her younger sister, because I did not want to add to the stigma of foster care adoptions or perpetuate stereotypes of children who are adopted having “problems.” Instead, I want you to understand that my sister’s illness is indicative of being severely neglected and abused, having severe psychiatric illnesses, and that I forgive her.
I realized at a very young age that my sister had a major eating disorder and also that she was very jealous of me. I remember her telling me weekly how much I ruined her life and I began to believe it when she threw herself off a bridge when my parents were able to formally adopt me at 5. When I tried to hug her in her bed in the hospital after surgery, she said that I had wanted her to die.
I lived in this strange world where people stared at our family anytime we were ever out, or were rude enough to make comments about my sister’s weight where we could hear. I defended my sister; however, my sister was a complete monster to me anytime we were in private. I dreaded Christmas and birthdays because my presents would always go missing or get broken “mysteriously.” I was terrified of receiving compliments from anyone or asking if I could change the TV channel because I never knew what would set off her abuse towards me. The older I became, the more ill my sister became and the worse I was treated at home.
On April Fools Day in the 7th grade, I had to call the police on my sister.
The next day, as I walked through my home still in shock, I picked up my Scriptures and read. In spite of the trauma, my faith grew. Even though I was only 12 and I know I still wasn’t able to process everything, my scriptures and faith helped prepare a foundation for me when I did understand and felt my world tumbling down. I found comfort in knowing that Christ had continuously remembered me and understood my experiences (Isaiah 49:16).
Over the next few years, I grieved my lack of relationship with my sister. My family had contact with my sister when she would accept and go to therapy. In college, my sister had tried to really improve herself and so I accepted phone calls, emails and texts. However, once I began dating, my sister was extremely jealous and I had to limit contact again. My sister began harming herself to the point of hospitalization every time I would visit. When my husband and I were moving into our first home together, my sister tried to commit suicide every time my parents tried visiting me and ended up hospitalized. I had to block her phone number in the hospital and the last message I received from her was on my mom’s phone describing how much she hated me.
My sister ended up passing away my first week of grad school from her eating disorder and from complications of her suicide attempts.
Shortly after marriage we had moved cross country away from our friends and safety net and I began having such crippling anxiety that I could not function. Through therapy, I learned I had delayed onset Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and I began going to therapy for that; ironically, I found the therapy was much more painful than the initial experiences ever felt. I became open with my family about the abuse which began a family wide grieving cycle that often felt like a tight rope walk trying to balance sensitivity towards openly grieving for the first time, but respecting my parent’s ability to love my sister as their child. After she passed, I stopped praying for resolution, but instead began just praying that I would know that my sister loved me in a real and tangible way. I felt if I knew that, despite the relationship we had, that would be enough for me to press forward.
A year after she passed, I was going through boxes of pictures and ended up finding a letter my sister wrote for me at my baptism at 8. The writing prompt was for people to write about their baptism. I recognized my sister’s handwriting from the letters and decided to see what she remembered about her baptism. Instead of following the writing prompt, which is typical of my sister and made me smile, she wrote about the first day my parent’s brought me home and how much she loved me.
This was a story she had never shared with me in any other medium and I could see Anne’s genuine personality. The real her and I felt so much love as I read that letter and I knew everything was going to be okay.
Autumn is 27 years old and blogs over at Stay Gold Autumn where she blogs about life from a reflective and positive perspective. She blogs about a variety of things from her life like goals, road trips with her husband, and posts gratitude journals monthly. She is an ESL teacher, grad student, and a southerner who believes in underdogs and Jesus. You can also find her on twitter, facebook, bloglovin’, and pinterest.
such a powerful piece, Im so sorry to hear about your sister but I glad that you know she loved you in her own way. Mental illness has so many ugly heads but you just have to remember that it is the illness talking
Mental illness is so misunderstood. I wish people spoke about it like they do things like diabetes or cancer. Sure, sometimes things we do in our life our experiences impact illness, but sometimes we are honestly just genetically predisposed or have structural limitations (like my sister’s biological home life).
Autumn recently posted…Do you have “anywhere but here” syndrome?
Wow, Autumn. I appreciate you opening up about your story and your sister. How tough. My heart goes out to you and I’ll be praying for you. It’s so hard to see someone you love struggle so badly that they hurt you, whether they realize it or not. Truly is heartbreaking. But I love your outlook – you’re inspiring.
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I’ve always loved and appreciated your posts about mental illness and how it impacts your mother and you. I wish more people would discuss how it impacts them (and also abuse) because I do think it can really help.
Autumn recently posted…Do you have “anywhere but here” syndrome?
What a beautiful and heartbreaking story. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thanks for reading, Britt!
Autumn recently posted…Do you have “anywhere but here” syndrome?
I hope sharing here is helping you to heal , you are helping so many others by your ability to be so honest. Thank you!
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I honestly don’t grieve anymore about the abuse even though I do have occasional triggers. I more so am just very sad sometimes that I won’t have the opportunity to ever have a close sibling relationship. The older we become, the more those connections mean to us and it makes friendships mean that much more to me!
Autumn recently posted…Do you have “anywhere but here” syndrome?
What a powerful piece. Thank you for sharing your story about your sister. Hopefully sharing your thoughts and feelings associated with your sister will help you heal.
I honestly don’t grieve anymore about the abuse even though I do have occasional triggers. I more so am just very sad sometimes that I won’t have the opportunity to ever have a close sibling relationship. The older we become, the more those connections mean to us and it makes friendships mean that much more to me!
Autumn recently posted…Do you have “anywhere but here” syndrome?
Thank you so much for sharing Autumn’s story, or having her share it with us. So much sadness, and yet to see how well she has coped with it is inspiring.
I feel like I have been blessed with a powerful support group with my parents (because they definitely had many unfortunate experiences because of her psychiatric conditions). My greatest hope is that we have children with close relationships and I can see them enjoy and really just love each other!
Autumn recently posted…Do you have “anywhere but here” syndrome?
Wow Autumn, an absolutely powerful and beautifully written post. Thank you for writing and sharing your story. Thank you for your hope, courage and firm foundation in your faith. Stay strong in Jesus.
Katie
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I feel very blessed to have the life that I have, but I really really hope that we can have children with super close friendships because I would love to see that. I think we all have hard experiences that are difficult for us, but the source of love and healing is always from the same place: Jesus.
Autumn recently posted…Do you have “anywhere but here” syndrome?
Mental illness can have a devastating impact on not just the individual but, on family members too. Your powerful, heartwrenching story is a reminder to us all that these stories must. We must share them so we can remove the taboo around the subject. I applaud your courage and I’m so sorry for your loss and pain. Hugs and love,
Eliz
Thanks for your sweet comment, Elizabeth! I think topics of abuse and mental illness should be shared too to remove the stigma. These situations happen so often and people often feel like there is no one there that understands or knows their experiences (which is what I think often keeps the abuse going). I hope this adds to the conversation of people being able to discuss mental illness openly and constructively.
Autumn recently posted…Do you have “anywhere but here” syndrome?
*These stories must be shared.
Thank You for sharing and trust me when I say I know your sorrow. I’m in part 2 of my series “Heart of the Matter” about being a family member who has a family member who struggles with mental illness. It isn’t just the person who suffers, but the WHOLE family! I appreciate your willingness to share. I have to say I have found healing in writing, but still grieve for the childhood that never was…it is because of the things we have been through that give us such empathy and compassion for others. If you would like to read my thoughts about dealing with mental illness my blog is listed below. I pray you are healing one day at a time 🙂 Thanks for being JesusGlitter to me today and sparkling in the darkness to give others light!
I really appreciated reading both of your posts and the advice in them was spot on! My family felt very isolated and abandoned from loved ones and people at church. People were so uncomfortable with the things we were experiencing that I often was labeled as a bad influence as well. I think empathy is one of the only spiritual gifts Christ can give us only through experiences!
I honestly don’t grieve anymore about the abuse even though I do have occasional triggers. I more so am just very sad sometimes that I won’t have the opportunity to ever have a close sibling relationship.
Autumn recently posted…Do you have “anywhere but here” syndrome?
Thank you for sharing this Autumn. I hope you know you can always share these things with me as well if you feel like it! I love that final happy memory that your sister shared — I hope that gives you a sense of closeness, love, and closure.
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I have closure on my experiences with my sister, but not on having any close sibling relationships. I had to estrange myself from other close family relationships and I just become very sad sometimes that I don’t have them. I’ve spoken to several people who tell me that they don’t need close girlfriends because they have sisters they are very close to, but this isn’t something I can lean on. I especially want these connections with people since Devin’s job is so demanding and time intensive. Thanks for your love and friendship!
Autumn recently posted…Do you have “anywhere but here” syndrome?
I’m so moved by your grace-filled words, Autumn. Thanks for sharing your story.
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Thanks for reading along Daisy! I’m glad this story was able to touch your heart.
Autumn recently posted…Do you have “anywhere but here” syndrome?
This is such a powerful story. I’m so sorry for your loss of your sister. Nothing can ever replace our family when they’re gone. Thank you for sharing your story.
You’re right on and I know you can empathize after your mom’s passing. I’m not sad about my experiences and I feel like I’ve healed from them, I’m sad that I no longer have that relationship. When my sister was alive, I was hopeful for her to get better and that we could have a relationship in the future (and that she would be happy!). With her passing, it is a different feeling even though I find comfort in knowing that families are forever.
Autumn recently posted…Do you have “anywhere but here” syndrome?
Such an important powerful story. Thank you for sharing something so personal yet so helpful.