Since I started blogging last April, I’ve tried to be intentional about what I choose to post about. I never want to write in a way that seeks to incite controversy just for the sake of inciting it. It seems like the internet isn’t a safe place to disagree with people while still loving them so I’ve just avoided more opinionated posts. But when I read 2-3 articles with similar messages over the last few weeks, I got a little upset. So with all the grace in the world and knowing that not everyone will agree with me on this one, I decided to respond.
Here’s a very short summary of one of the articles (and the other two were pretty similar): The author was out at a public place and overheard a pregnant woman talking to a friend. The pregnant woman was sharing about her pregnancy and told her friend that she had cried when she found out they were having another boy.
The author, who says that she has wrestled with infertility and miscarriage in the past, continues with something along these lines: How could that woman express such clear ungratefulness for her pregnancy when there are so many other women (the author included) wrestling with infertility, miscarriage, or infant loss? How could this woman admit to crying upon finding out she was having a boy when her body was successfully able to do something that so many women long for their bodies to do? How could she admit this in a public place where anyone can hear it?
She suggested that women should not only be more aware of their surroundings, but perhaps more importantly, should make sure they feel sufficiently grateful and happy for what they have. I’ve seen a similar message in several articles these last few weeks suggesting that pregnant woman should enjoy and appreciate ever moment of pregnancy because there are so many woman who long for what they have, and it’s hurt my heart a little more each time I read it.
The Danger In This Kind Of Thinking
I think the author is right that we need to be intentional about the people with whom we share our heart stories and try to care for our friends who might not be in a place to listen. Facebook might not be the best place to post long rants about pregnancy issues or, well, really anything. Let’s share our hearts and our struggles with our friends and the people who love us while still being intentional to share in a way that won’t hurt the hearts of our already-grieving friends even more.
Where I disagree is on the main idea beneath the author’s statements. What the author of that post and posts like it essentially says is this: Because you have something that so many other women want, you should feel happy and grateful. If you feel negative emotions about this, then you do not sufficiently appreciate what you have.
There are so many things here that both break my heart and scare me a little. The first part is that assumption hiding in that first sentence. We are so quick to assume that once we get whatever thing we long for, all of our discontent will go away. If we can just get that job, that marriage, that baby, then our hearts will be happy and we won’t wrestle with the negative feelings we wrestle with now. And y’all, I just don’t know that that’s the truth.
We live in a world that’s broken, where our hearts long for more than we have and struggle deeply with feelings of discontent, dissatisfaction, and brokenness. As the famous C.S. Lewis quote says: “If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”
I believe wholeheartedly that we were created for more than the hurt and brokenness of this world, and the only thing that can satisfy us is to know and and love the heart of the One who made us. No marriage, job, or baby can ever fully satisfy the longing in our hearts. Even in seasons when I’ve had all the things that “should” make me happy, I still have the dull ache in my heart for more. To long for more than we know is to be human, and to assume that someone should no longer feel discontent or unsatisfied because they have a certain something is to deny that longing for more that is a part of our broken DNA.
Yes, getting the things we longs for can bring us deep joy and I hope that all the mamas who want babies end up with full arms and full hearts. But nothing we have here can completely satisfy us, and to place that burden of our satisfaction on any child or spouse or job will only end up hurting both us and them in the long run.
When Should And Shame Collide
The second place that this story gets dangerous is in the world of “shoulds” and shame.
When we tell women that they SHOULD feel happy because they have something worth longing for, we don’t give them the space to be human like I described above. And if you all are anything like me, when someone tells me how I should feel in any given situation, the only thing it does is cause me to feel deep shame. I feel like something is wrong with me because I don’t feel the things I’m supposed to feel and I quickly start sinking into a dark shame spiral.
I thought I should feel overjoyed and perfectly happy in our first years of marriage and wrestled with deep shame when I felt lonely at times or wrestled with depression. I thought I should feel happy and glowing when I got pregnant because I knew so many women who longed to have babies, but I wrestled with shame when I felt a little underwhelmed and emotionally drained by the physical symptoms of pregnancy (like I wrote about in this post).
When we tell women that a certain life stage or event SHOULD satisfy them and make them feel a certain way, we don’t give them the space to be human and to be broken. We don’t give them the space to experience and process things in their own way, even if that way involves some negative and confusing emotions not understandable to women who aren’t in that season themselves (or even women who are in that same season and just don’t feel the same way).
I don’t for a second want to discredit the fact that the pain of things like infertility and miscarriage is a huge, overwhelming grief that can wreck us and stretch us and break us in so many ways. Those things are incredibly hard, and my heart breaks for my family members, close friends, and many of you who have wrestled with these things. October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and all those mamas who long for their angel babies in heaven are worth loving and celebrating and walking alongside in their grief.
I simply want to say that if we prevent women from talking about what they’re feeling and experiencing in a season because we feel that they should feel happy or grateful in that season, we take away their chance to be human, to be broken, and to struggle. And as a woman who has wrestled with some fears and other negative emotions in the midst of pregnancy, I long deeply for someone to affirm that it’s okay to hurt and be exhausted at times, that my feeling confused and overwhelmed or even underwhelmed by this season does not mean I don’t appreciate or love my baby deeply.
Overflowing, Overwhelming Grace
I believe wholeheartedly that the God who created us sees our suffering in all things. He sees our suffering in all seasons and He holds our tears and our pain with gentleness and love. In His Son and in His heart, He gives us overflowing, overwhelming grace in every situation.
If there’s grace for the mama-to be who grieves that negative pregnancy test each month, then there is grace for the mama of three who cries on the bathroom floor when the test is positive because she already feels overwhelmed and exhausted from caring for the littles she already has.
If there’s grace for the mama who grieves the loss of the sweet baby her womb nourished and held for too short a time (and there is SO much grace for that, sisters), then there is grace for the mama whose heart breaks a little at knowing she’ll add a boy to her family when she had so desperately longed for a daughter.
If there’s grace for you and your experience of pregnancy, then there’s grace for me too, and my pain and struggling as I wrestle with this life transition is no more or less valid than someone else’s just because I have something they long for (and vice versa).
Giving Others The Freedom To Feel
Let’s be women who hold each other’s pain and struggles with grace and empathy, knowing that comparing and competing lead only to shame. Let’s be women who invite other women to share their hurts, even when those women possess the things we so desperately long for. Let’s embrace our shared, broken humanity and remind each other that things we long for will never be enough to actually fill us. And finally, let’s be women who point each other over and over to the only one who can fill that emptiness in our hearts: the One who created us and holds our pain and our hearts with tender, scarred hands.
To the sweet woman hurt by what she overheard in a coffee shop that day, my heart breaks for your pain as you wrestle with your own story of miscarriage and infertility. I am so sorry for all you have gone through and I believe fully that your pain matters. But I invite you to move away from judgement and into a place of empathy, away from shoulds and shame and into a place where all women, pregnant, longing to be pregnant, or mamas with babes in arms, are allowed and encouraged to feel all emotions, positive or otherwise. Because as Emily Freeman once said, “maybe our tears are tiny messengers, secret keepers of the most vulnerable kind, sent to deliver a most important message – Here is where your heart beats strong.”
There is so much grace to be had in our broken, hurting world, and I pray that we could cling to that grace above all else. May our hearts beat strong together, both in our grieving and in our rejoicing.
This is such a beautiful post, Lauren!! It was beautifully written, constructed and conveys a point I completely agree with. It’s wrong to tell people how they SHOULD feel because on the flip side, that woman with infertility issues doesn’t know what the woman who was crying about another boy was going through. By telling other women how they should feel you are assuming something that you have no right to assume and it is only hurtful for everyone involved.
Hannah recently posted…Why It’s Ok To Grow Out Of Friendships
Wow, thank you Hannah! Such encouraging words. 🙂 You’re right, we never know what someone is going through so the best default option is always grace!
Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Sexual Abuse And Recovery
I love your sweetness and your beautiful heart so much! You are so right!
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Thanks, Kristin!
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I love every word of this post and it’s so true. I feel for anyone that is struggling in life and longs for things that seem to be out of reach, but to deny others to feel how they feel is just wrong and selfish. We all struggle and have issues we go through and they don’t all look the same….what makes one person happy will make another person miserable and neither is right or wrong..it just is. I wish more people could have compassion for others and not feel the need to use their own misery to put others down. We should help build each other up! Life is hard enough as is! Thanks for writing and sharing this!
Vicky recently posted…Why you Need Butterfly Goals
Amen! We all have our own struggles and one of the best ways to love people is to just give them compassion and love them in the midst of those struggles. Thanks for your sweet, genuine comment!
Lauren, what a beautiful message and great reminder to all women (and all people). I’ve listened to family and friends share their problems, and people might roll their eyes at their problems because they’re so minor compared to others. I don’t think of it that way; if my sister has a ‘minor’ problem that is major to her, I listen and problem solve with her, feeling grateful that she doesn’t have a more ‘serious’ issue. Even though others have it worse, that shouldn’t discredit her current issue. It’s sort of the same principal.
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Thanks, Lindsay! 🙂 I have definitely seen that response before and it’s so frustrating and overwhelming. Comparing pain and struggles like that is almost never helpful and almost always leads to hurt and shame! So glad to know you’re with me on this one!
Great post Lauren! I once had an older woman point her finger at me and declare, “shame on you” when I’d finally poured my heart out in a small group about our struggle with secondary infertility. We had two children, a boy and a girl, and she felt I should just be thankful and stop “feeling sorry for myself.”
The truth is all she did was teach me that I couldn’t trust my heart to other women. I think it’s one of the reasons I talk about being real, I’ve had trouble sharing my heart out of fear of being shamed. You did a beautiful job of encouraging us to love each other in this broken world. Blessings to you my friend!
Deb Wolf recently posted…Important Ways to Make Happy Memories at Home
Oh my goodness, that would be so devastating to me if someone said that! And you’re completely right, more than it would teach me gratitude it would teach me not to trust other women with my heart. I’m so glad you’ve been able to heal and move past that! Thank you for your sweet words!
This is such a kindhearted yet firm response to those posts (which I hadn’t even heard were going around). I LOVE that you included we need to care for our friends who aren’t in a place to listen (what a beautiful way to phrase it!). Also, all your points about letting honesty about our feelings are right on; every point you made reflected back to Jesus and his heart for us. Thank you for your strength in writing this!
Julie Hood recently posted…from poppy seed to grapefruit // 6 months
Thanks, Julie! So true. We need to love our friends well by giving them grace when they’re struggling and not quite ready to listen to or support us! Your sweet words and encouragement mean so much. Thanks, Julie!
Thanks, Julie! I don’t think they’re going viral or anything, I’d just read a couple and am a lot more sensitive to the topic since I’m pregnant too. Thank you for your encouragement and sweet words! 🙂
I’ll be the first to admit that many years of infertility make me identify VERY strongly with the original author. Even with my two miracles squawking for their bottles (don’t worry, the bottles are warming up!) as I read this, I get pretty angry at the coffee shop lady. But I recognize that that’s MY issue. My scars.
I try to remind myself in similar situations that the stranger has no idea what the random lady across the shop has been through, or even that that random lady can hear her. I do think that in personal conversations with close friends, we need to be careful of triggers we probably already know about. For example, my best friend had a very traumatic end to her second pregnancy (everyone is safe now, thankfully). When I was approaching delivery of the twins, and planning for a “normal” (non-emergency, full-term) birth, if I had questions or nerves, I usually asked another mom-friend, or I’d ask my best friend how she was feeling that day, if it would be okay to talk about L&D. I also had a formerly best friend drag me through all the baby stores in town looking for Angel Tree gifts, when I’d told her many times how I used to avoid the baby aisles at places I had to go.
As far as not feeling what you’re “supposed to” feel, I get that. A lot. Pregnancy hurt like crazy toward the end (hopefully it’ll be easier with your one, don’t let that make you too nervous), and I was miserable. I’d worked so hard to get pregnant I “should have” enjoyed every second. Now that the babies are here, the postpartum depression has set in. It was pretty well-controlled with meds from early on, but then I had to stop pumping, and that made it so.much.worse. So I have everything I’ve ever wanted, since I was 6, and I’m taking big doses of antidepressants every day. Everybody experiences this their own way!
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Amen to so many things you say here! First, I am so so sorry that your story has taken you into that hard world that the author wrestled with too. I’m so glad you have to sweet little ones but I’m sure the scars of that will always be with you in a way like you said!
You’re so right about being intentional with what we share. Sometimes we need to give our friends grace by not making them enter into our stories and struggles in a way that will be hurtful to them as they grieve. You’re so wise to be intentional in who you reach out to when it comes to various issues!
And last, thanks for your vulnerability there. It’s so hard to wrestle with all those things (and I am right there with you!) when we feel like we “should” feel a happiness and glow. I can imagine that it will be hard postpartum too and I am glad to know that there are other women willing to open up about that too!
Thanks for your thoughtful and genuine comment, Katie!
So much goodness in your comment, Katie. First, I’m so sorry you had to battle with those issues, even though you have two sweet little ones to show for it! I love that you’re willing to own your own struggles while still having compassion and love for the ways other women struggle. Sometimes loving our friends looks like listening and giving them grace, and other times it looks like knowing they’re right in the middle of their pain and might not be ready to love us in our own pain quite yet!
Those shoulds in pregnancy are so hard and I’ve definitely wrestled with them at times. I’ve wrestled with depression too and anticipate that that might be a struggle after baby comes! Each of our experiences is different but I’m grateful for mamas like you who have such a unique perspective on so many parts of motherhood that they’re willing to share. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Well and thoughtfully said. I agree wholeheartedly that the word “should” just rankles. There’ve been times I’ve vented to a friend or family member about how I was overwhelmed caring for two babies alone while my husband traveled, or anything else to do with mothering, and was met with “You’re so blessed. You should be grateful for your children and your life, etc.” I AM grateful, but that doesn’t mean I’m incapable of having other human emotions as well. I also went through college feeling shame because I wasn’t having “the time of my life,” which every told me I should be having.
I think the key is to know your audience when you’re having a heartfelt discussion. If your friend struggles with infertility, don’t complain to her about your pregnancy symptoms or the price of baby gear. If your friend is having trouble making rent on her apartment, don’t complain about how long it’s taking to complete your custom pool in the back yard. I know there’s no avoiding overhearing something that hurts, but taking care to confide in and share our concerns with those who we believe will understand us is the best we can do.
Alyssa @ Good + Simple recently posted…The Good + Simple Guide to Unique Personalized Gifts (Part 1)
Alyssa, isn’t it so hard when people have that response? It just piles shame on top of the pain we’re already feeling and that’s just not helpful at all. And I completely agree with you about knowing your audience. Sometimes loving our friends well looks like knowing when they aren’t in a place to listen to and understand our own struggles! It’s a hard balance but thinking compassionately about where our friends are can make a huge difference. Thanks for reading and commenting, Alyssa!
Beautiful post. Love your heart in all of this. Spot on!
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Thanks, Kelsie!
Such a great post and so graciously written. Its crazy how we women can get almost about anything and everything – especially when it comes to babies, pregnancy, etc. Sometimes I just want to vent – and I just need friends to listen, not judge or correct. I have also found myself before trying to give unsolicited advice and as I was doing it, I realized that I probably (unintentionally) sounded like I was not allowing my friend just to feel and be or sounded judgy. Thanks for this post and what a great reminder of what a true friend is and how we can cheer each other on!
lauren | talk of the trains blog recently posted…Fabric Banner Decor and Tutorial
Me too! Sometimes I just want to share what I’m struggling with and don’t need advice and solutions as much as just compassion and kindness. Thank you for your sweet words and encouragement!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again I love your writing and your blog! This was such a well said and honest post. I couldn’t agree more. I understand completely that sometimes you should be sensitive to people around you and what you say but you should never feel guilty for how you feel. If you feel sad be sad! There is nothing wrong with that. What’s wrong is letting other people have the power over you to make you feel guilt or shame for feeling something natural. If you have an honest opinion or emotion express it and don’t second guess yourself. You can’t control what other people say or feel but you can control how you react to them.
Aww Chandler you are so encouraging! 🙂 Amen…we need to be able to feel the things we feel without letting others shame us into a place of fear. So much truth there!
“Giving others the freedom to feel…” Yes! You are so right that we moms need to be for each other safe places for a full range of emotions to land. Our society rewards and affirms good, happy, optimistic, and, above all, “fine.” But God created us as multi-faceted beings, and since He does not make mistakes, we need to do as you suggest: give each other the freedom–and safety–to feel what we feel. Thank you for sharing this…stopping by from Monday’s Musings!
Elizabeth @ Guilty Chocoholic Mama recently posted…5 Reasons Moms Shouldn’t Feel Guilty About “Alone Time”
That’s so beautifully said, Elizabeth! Our hearts are often anything but fine (they can be anywhere from delighted and overjoyed to overwhelmed and depressed) and learning to express and understand those emotions is part of learning about God and about who He created us to be. Thanks for stopping by!
Wow, this is awesome Lauren! Such an amazing insight! I don’t have children and don’t want children just yet, so I can’t presume to know how either of these women feel. But you’re so right that both of them absolutely have the right to their feelings! I can’t imagine how it must feel to not be able to get pregnant, but the woman you described committed just as much of a wrong by judging another woman for her feelings. Thanks for sharing this story and your insight!
Erin @ Very Erin recently posted…How to Stay Healthy at a Desk Job
It is such a hard balance since motherhood is something we all experience in such different ways. We definitely have to be careful to love and not judge each other just because we’re different!
Thank you for this post! I remember feeling guilty for being miserable with morning sickness when I was pregnant. I felt like I should be happy about the miracle growing inside of me no matter how I was feeling on the outside, because so many women can’t experience it. Grace is extended to us in all situations, great reminder!
Chelsea recently posted…Ty’s Little Boy Nursery Tour
My situation was so similar! Sometimes we have to learn to give ourselves grace, not just other people!
This was such a thought-provoking post! You’re right, we weren’t made for this world. The gospel allows us to be human – to long for something that truly satisfies – and pours grace over us and fills the holes left by the world with Christ.
Audrey White recently posted…Brand & Website Design: Charlie Jaymes + Q & A
Amen. So beautifully said, Audrey! Thanks goodness for that grace that fills our empty places!
Amen, amen, amen! This is so thoughtful and well written, Lauren. It’s clear that your heart is for ALL women to experience the freedom of feeling what they need to feel and being able to express those feelings appropriately. I agree that who we share our deepest feelings with certainly matters — I’m definitely not going to complain about the harder parts of pregnancy with a friend who is struggling with infertility. But you’re so right that we are all allowed to struggle with our feelings, because we’re human and we’re broken. The shame of should is holding too many women and bondage, and this is just one of those sneaky ways the enemy uses that to turn us against ourselves and each other. Thanks for graciously bringing this to light!
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Thanks, Brittany! I think as long as we’re intentional and think about where our friends’ hearts are when we share certain things, there’s no shame in sharing the things we struggle with. So many wrestle with the “shame of should” (I love how you said that!) and it’s so hurtful for our hearts!
I love this!! I feel like our world is so full of people trying hard to not offend other people. And honestly, if you want to avoid offending someone or making someone feel sad or anything like you mentioned above, you would have to not say anything at all. People are allowed to feel joy, fear, sadness, etc. and they can be sensitive to that, but shouldn’t have to suppress their feelings completely at the risk of harming others. We should be able to mourn and celebrate with those around us and know that they are not intentionally trying to hurt us with their words!
Amberly recently posted…How to Enjoy Your First Weekend Away From Your New Baby
So, so true. I’ve definitely had experiences where the most loving thing someone could do was to speak honest, hard truth to me, even if I wasn’t ready to hear it, but I’ve also had experiences where all I needed was a compassionate ear not looking to fix me or give advice. As long as our hearts are open we can mourn and celebrate with other people and know their struggles don’t somehow lessen or diminish ours!
Wow! I completely agree with you. This was beautifully put and well thought out. Thank you for sharing.
Keelie Reason recently posted…What Happened The First Time I Brought Home a Pumpkin
Thanks, Keelie! I appreciate your encouragement! 🙂
What frustrates me about the author of the article you read is that she doesn’t know the whole story. Maybe the pregnant woman has 10 boys and her heart longs for a little girl. Who knows?? In the end it doesn’t matter what someone else feels about their blessings. Some women struggle with pregnancy and some struggle to get pregnant. We each have our trials and it’s more important in the end how we handle OUR trials, not how we make other people feel about them.
Thanks for writing an article that uplifts women instead of making them feel like their issues don’t matter compared to someone else.
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Fantastic post, Lauren. I have three children – with a big gap between my two eldest, both of whom are boys. In that gap I lost three babies. Being pregnant for me was a nightmare time – EVERY time. ALL of my pregnancies were high risk and unpleasant – and while I would do it over, I didn’t enjoy any of it. When I was pregnant with my daughter we couldn’t see if it was a girl or a boy (we could see for both boys) and all my miscarriages were girls. As I got closer to due date, we were convinced it was a boy – because I hadn’t lost it. When she was born I couldn’t open my eyes and when the Midwife asked why I said “it’ll be another boy and then I’ll have to do this again.” Now I didn’t mean that to sound ungrateful or like I didn’t love my boys or that I wouldn’t love another son. I was exhausted and scared and there was so much pressure around us to Have The Girl – the thought of that conversation yet again….ugh. A young friend was recently pregnant with a high risk pregnancy and was looking miserable – until I said to it was okay to dislike being pregnant and to be wondering why she was putting herself through this. She was so relieved – of course she wanted her baby, but she was scared and unwell and emotional and hormonal and everyone kept telling her to be appreciative and grateful and HAPPY. Now that she has her daughter – she is all of those things. It is vital women support one another – we don’t know why another woman is feeling fearful or insecure or just plain emotional. I know when Meg was born,I had no little girl clothes (she went home in a blue train onesie lol) and I suddenly at Day 3 was paralysed with fear: I didn’t know how to be a mother to a girl. I had boys. Hormones do insane things to our brain. Keep writing stuff like this – it’s important.
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It’s all due to the fact that we are all different people and our human feelings.
Unfortunately none of us are perfect and we always tend to see every story, situation, incident from our own somewhat selfish background. True strong feelings must be shared carefully because just as that lady was seen to be judging others we can also be seen to be judging her.
You’re absolutely right, Sandra. My purpose was not at all to shame or judge her, but rather to encourage her that just like there is so much grace and love for her in the incredibly hard things she has had to go through, there is so much grace for that mama she overheard in the coffee shop who is also in pain. I hope the post conveyed that instead of judgment because judgement was not my intention at all!
I knew I had to read this yesterday when I saw it posted! Wonderfully done. I especially love the line, “Let’s embrace our shared, broken humanity and remind each other that things we long for will never be enough to actually fill us.” You are such a great writer…It’s SO important to own up to our feelings and never be ashamed of what we are going through. Good for you for standing up for that woman and being an advocate.
Chelsea recently posted…How to Help a Grieving Friend
Wow thanks, Chelsea! 🙂 I agree…we need to own what we’re going through and not give in to fear and shame.
This really was a beautiful piece of writing, Lauren! It came from the heart and you covered so many points that I had certainly never considered before! It reminds me of a scene in Sex and The City, where Charlotte has to take just five minutes to be broken about the overwhelming things going on in her life at the moment; how difficult her children are. It doesn’t mean she loves them any less, but allows her to vent about it and then become a stronger woman to face the issue. God bless xx
Thanks, Emma! I love that random connection, even though I’ve never seen it. Sometimes those little breakdowns where we just spill it all to someone who listens and loves well are so important! Once we’ve spilled it the burden is lifted and it’s easier to keep moving forward. Thanks for stopping by!
Yes to all of this! Though I cannot totally relate on the baby spectrum just yet, I have seen it played out online and in person and it’s very sad. For me, I sometimes need to vent about the struggles we’ve had in our first home and the money and effort that it has taken… but sometimes it falls on deaf ears that respond with “be grateful.” Of COURSE I’m grateful… but I’m allowed to feel stressed out for goodness sake! Haha..
As always, very well written, Lauren. These are the tough posts, but the ones that cause us to think. Well done.
Joy recently posted…Stop Treating Marriage Like Damaged Goods
I have definitely seen that too! Telling someone to be grateful does little to cultivate gratitude and a lot to cultivate shame. Thanks for your sweet words, Joy!
Very beautifully written and you made an amazing point, Lauren. I love how you pointed out that you can disagree with someone and still love them. I think people lose sight of that these days.
Danielle recently posted…Starting the TTC Journey Again
Thanks, Danielle! That’s definitely something that’s missing from the internet world these days.
Beautifully said, Lauren. You’re absolutely right: in a world where there’s much pain, hate and suffering, the least we can do is give grace and empathy for each other. There’s far too many battles we’re fighting, and we need to be on each other’s side, not against, to come out victorious.
Maria recently posted…Why Perfect Doesn’t Exists in Parenting
Absolutely! More than anything, our world needs lots and lots of grace.
Amen, Maria! We need to fight the big battles together instead of turning little things into battles against each other. We can be each other’s biggest support if we can move past the shoulds and shame!
This is beautifully said, Lauren. We need compassion and empathy with each other, not shame-throwing. “Let’s be women who hold each other’s pain and struggles with grace and empathy, knowing that comparing and competing lead only to shame.” Amen. I love also that you bring forth the truth that only Jesus can fill our emptiness. I found you on #raralinkup.
Trudy recently posted…Everyone Needs Compassion
Thanks for your sweet words, Trudy!
I am sure that lady feels everything she should….
You are so right-we need to be honest with how we feel so we can move on. Why are we so quick to lash out and judge? It makes me sad!
Sarah Donegan recently posted…When You Need a Miracle
I agree! Both women in that scenario are absolutely “allowed” to feel what they feel, it’s only dangerous when we move into judging and shaming. Very sad!
Thank you, Lauren. I find it so encouraging that God meets us right where we are, hurts, struggles, and all. He wraps us in His loving arms. He hurts when we hurt and rejoices when we rejoice. Still, there is room for all of us, no matter where we are. Thank you for the reminder to see others as He sees us–broken, but worthy of love.
Nancy Ruth recently posted…Are You Really Giving Your Best?
Beautiful words, Nancy, and so so true! I’m so grateful for a God who meets us all right in the middle of our brokenness!
What an absolutely beautiful well-written post, Lauren. Definitely made me tear up. Now of course there have been times where I have wrongly shamed others, but most of the time I’m shaming myself. I think it’s mostly how I’m wired and my history of depression and everything else that comes along with it. When you shared that you thought you should feel overjoyed in your first years of marriage but actually struggled with loneliness and depression, I lost it. We’re almost 5 months in and I am slipping back into a terrible depression with my anxiety being really spiked high. Now, it’s not because of the marriage – we actually have a ton going on between family stress and just life stress. But I have days where I feel like a bad wife because I can’t get the dishes or laundry done, even though I’m home until 2:30pm everyday. I also don’t cook because I was never brought up cooking, and tho be honest, I’m anxious about using the oven. I just feel so terrible sometimes. I do know that I’m not a bad wife, but it’s hard to believe sometimes. Anyway, I needed to read this. Thank you for sharing your heart!
Summer @ Coffee With Summer recently posted…DIY Vanilla Honey Milk Face Mask // A Guest Post
Summer, I do the EXACT same thing. I really think so much of my depression that first year of marriage was connected to feeling shame for the things I was feeling in marriage and my own expectations I wasn’t living up to. It’s such a scary cycle! And like you said, when you add family stress and all that other stuff it’s so easy to feel like a failure. I will absolutely be praying for hope and peace for you as you walk through all that and try to figure out what it looks like to love yourself and your husband in the midst of that!