Oh man. Are you ready for one of those posts that comes straight from the heart, free of lists of how to improve your life or a five step plan to move forward? I’ve spent a lot of time on this blog and in real life encouraging people to be real, to share their deepest struggles, to continually fight the battle against shame by doing things like seeking counseling and asking God for big, scary things. And I figured it was my turn to do a little sharing about what my last few months have looked like.
Let’s get right to it: this whole being pregnant thing is rocking my world emotionally. Not as much in the I’m hormonal all the time and cry at cheesy commercials kind of way (although that’s kind of true), but more in the way that I’ve been underwhelmed by my emotions these last few months.
I remember talking to friends early in pregnancy and hearing them say things like, “Isn’t it amazing how much you already love and want to protect the little life inside you? Isn’t it amazing how your heart is just already connected to them and you love them so much?”
And while I smiled and nodded and rubbed my belly, the real answer in my head was more like “I have NO idea what you’re talking about. If by glowing, happy, and full of love you mean nauseous and exhausted, then yes. But otherwise…not in the slightest.”
Waiting For The Second Trimester Glow (Spoiler Alert – It hasn’t arrived yet!)
When we found out we were pregnant in July, I was very excited, but quickly found myself falling into a self-protective pattern of limiting my joy. I was scared to lose the baby in those first weeks and in some ways, prevented myself from thinking or dreaming too much about it out of fear (you can read more about that in this post I wrote a few weeks ago).
As I started to process that more and the first trimester passed by without incident and only healthy reports about baby (Praise the Lord!) I figured that I’d start to feel more of a connection to the baby, that my heart would start to dream more freely and love more freely.
But all those folks who talk about that whole second trimester glow were just plain lying, because my nausea peaked from about weeks 11-15 (you can see my 15 week “bumpdate” here). I started to gain a little weight (and wrestle with body image in a way I never really have before), felt nauseous and exhausted all the time, and entered a season of feeling overwhelmed with a new school year and teaching responsibilities, keeping up with this blog, and seeing the year’s activities kick into gear again.
Source: Belly Belly
I’ve wrestled with shame that I feel like I haven’t had much emotional space to really think about or even process the fact that there’s a baby inside me, that there’s a tiny human with a beating heart and a personality and future that will unfold before our eyes in the years to come. It’s hard for me to process that reality when I’ve never seen my body actually produce a baby, feel sick and tired and big, can’t feel any sort of movement from the baby yet, and invest most of my emotional energy into work, blogging, and our small group, instead of into really thinking about, dreaming, and planning for baby.
Giving Myself Grace In This Season
I talked with hubby about this over some delicious Cheddar’s honey butter croissants this weekend (TOO freaking good), and we’re both feeling similar things. But Jordan is great about reminding me that sometimes, what my heart really needs is a little grace.
I need grace to remember that everyone’s emotional response to pregnancy is different, and that just like my heart is slow to warm up to and deeply love lots of things, it might take me a while to wrap my mind around the fact that there is a baby inside me.
I need grace to remember that pregnancy can be really hard, that it’s okay for me to feel frustrated that my body aches and my stomach hurts instead of feeling guilty because I know so many women who would give anything to be experiencing these symptoms. I can simultaneously be incredibly grateful to have a healthy pregnancy and annoyed that I’m munching on crackers yet again so I don’t dry heave in front of my students (“Señora English, why do you eat so many goldfish all the time?”)
I need grace to remember that this is a weird transitional season between teaching and becoming a mama, and that there will be (physical and emotional) growing pains as I feel my heart shift away from teaching and toward the years of mama-hood and new life that stretch ahead.
Giving Myself The Permission To Process
When I enter new seasons, it’s so easy to focus on how I think I should feel, instead of giving myself the time and space to process my own reactions and feelings as they come. I want to feel free to give myself liberal doses of grace as we figure this whole parenthood thing out, instead of loading on the shame that I’m not feeling what I should.
There are so many wonderful things to come in the next few weeks. I am excited to feel baby move and have that tangible reminder that there’s actually a real, live human in there. I am so, so excited to have our 20-week ultrasound in four weeks and find out baby’s gender. I’m excited to choose a name and have the baby start to feel like ours, like a new member of our family who will change us and our lives forever. I’m excited to start dreaming about a nursery and actually start working on that nursery when Jordan’s cross-country coaching ends in October and our lives slow down a little bit.
I know that in the weeks to come, the reality of this whole growing a human business will start to sink in. But for now, I’m just going to keep on giving myself grace. I’m going to keep remembering that this pregnancy is mine, that no one can tell me how I should feel or think or experience it. I’m going to give myself grace to be tired and sick and uncomfortable and not feel bad about that fact or guilty that I should somehow be glowing and happy all the time.
Lastly, I’m going to give myself some grace to let my heart grow and expand to hold this new life slowly. Because just like my body takes ten months to fully nourish and hold this little one, I think my heart needs that full ten months too.
When they place that sweet little one on my chest in March, I know that my heart will overflow and expand in a million different ways. But for now, I’m okay to let it stretch slowly, letting my love for baby slowly fill me and stretch me in the same way that baby is stretching my body.
Yes! Give yourself grace. Everyone’s pregnancy is so different, both physically and emotionally. When trying to get a handle of feeling OK physically, working, blogging, resting!!, and just living life, there is enough to worry about. Worrying about whether or not you are feeling the way you should just adds to much.
I know that I didn’t feel that “My heart is connected. I love them so much” love when pregnant. I spent the months more amazed at pregnancy and the blessing of life growing inside me. But I did not feel the crazy, indescribable love until I was holding each of my little girls for the first time. It really is amazing.
Enjoy the first little baby kicks. 🙂
Emily recently posted…Lesson Learned by Training for a Running Race
Thanks, Emily. I’ve been so encouraged by all the women (including you) who’ve said that every pregnancy is different and it’s okay to give myself grace when my days aren’t full of lovey dovey happy emotions towards my baby! I’m excited to actually meet our little one and feel my heart swell and grow then! Thanks for your sweet, genuine, and thoughtful comment!
Lauren recently posted…How To Make A Fall Burlap Bubble Wreath
Every woman’s pathway is different and milestones strike us all in marvelously serendipitous ways.
Embrace your journey for the gift it is … one day at a time. There’ll be plenty of overwhelming moments ahead!
Love your vulnerability, girl …
Linda Stoll recently posted…Autumn Nesting
Thanks, Linda! I agree…there’s beauty and creativity in how God uses the same process to impact us all in such different ways. Thanks for your encouragement!
Lauren recently posted…How To Make A Fall Burlap Bubble Wreath
I agree too. God is really amazing! He has his own way in solving any hard situations we have. I and my husband had fertility issues before. We’ve been together for 3 years yet I never get pregnant until I undergo to IVF treatment.
I don’t ever link to my blog in a comment on a post cause I’m not some shameless advertiser for my blog and don’t care if anybody even reads it at all, but I wrote this post the other day: http://at20something.com/2015/09/25/adjusting-to-pregnancy/
While it’s not quite as eloquent as your writing, I’m 17 weeks pregnant and feel the same way as you at times. Although, I just found out the sex of my baby and just started feeling the baby move (even my husband can feel the baby move now, I’m guessing just because I’m so thin). THAT is cool, and I find it pretty amazing to hear another heartbeat inside of me. However, if I didn’t have an ultrasound at 9 weeks pregnant, I don’t even want to think about how long it would have to even feel ANY connection at all to this baby. I was totally feeling like we should give the baby up for adoption and continue our childless lives (that was probably first trimester hormones too- I was a total roller coaster for a bit). But I don’t care about the nursery or registering for gifts or baby showers or gender reveal parties. I’ve even had a fantastic pregnancy after week 9 (SO THANKFUL FOR THAT) and I’m excited about this baby, but I don’t really feel any love towards him. He’s there and I hope nothing bad ever happens in this pregnancy or to him in his life, but it’s not love yet. I’m definitely the least joyful when others ask me if I’m SO excited (uh, sure) and how I feel about the pregnancy (meh, it’s good). I’m not bothered by being underwhelmed by emotions though and I definitely don’t expect that this baby is going to be placed on my chest at delivery and then I’ll feel all this love. It would be awesome if I do, but I feel more like it’s going to be an adjustment and while it’ll be emotional to see my baby for the first time, I’m not expecting and overwhelming love. It took me a whole year to even really love my cats (okay, I KNOW it’s not the same- it’s a baby and they’re cats, but they’re my babies now) because I’m just slow to develop emotions. I feel like when I bring the baby home, I’ll be kind of undecided about how I feel about him. I’ll probably like him, I may resent him for changing my life so much, but eventually, I’ll love him as much as I hear about other mothers loving their babies. I think pregnancy is all about not having expectations. Don’t expect to feel a certain way. Don’t expect to deliver a certain way. Don’t expect to grow a certain way. Just accept it for how it is, and don’t be hard on yourself if it takes time to grow WITH the baby.
Liz recently posted…Mary Mac’s, Gender Reveal, Taste of Atlanta, Trainwreck, and Cat Cuddles
Liz, wow what a thoughtful comment! I went over and read your post and I’m so glad I’m not alone in this! It’s so funny you mention your cats because I remember being so scared I wouldn’t love our dog when we got her as a puppy! My heart so quickly grew to love and care for her, even though I was scared I wouldn’t be able to. I agree with you…we all have different backgrounds and expectations and we have to be able to let those go. I have a feeling that having kids will teach me a whole lot about letting go of my expectations! Thanks for leaving such a heartfelt comment…I’ll be thinking of you as you also make this journey into becoming a mama and hope that you start to feel connected to your little one too!
Lauren recently posted…How To Make A Fall Burlap Bubble Wreath
Aww, I can see where you’re coming from. I had such bad nausea and was throwing up until 17 weeks.. it was like WHEN is this going to end?! I finally started to FEEL pregnant once I started to noticeably show (19-20ish weeks), found out we were having a girl, and felt my baby move, around 21-22 weeks. From that point on every moment of pregnancy was amazing.
On another note.. maybe you’re having a girl since you had bad nausea too? Guess we’ll find out =)
That’s what so many women have said! Once you feel like you look pregnant (instead of just like you’ve gained a little weight) and start to feel baby move it gets a whole lot more real. I am so excited to transition into that part of pregnancy!
Ha fingers crossed…I would love to have a sweet little lady to dress up and be my babygirl. Although I’m sure I’d love a little man too 😉
Lauren recently posted…How To Make A Fall Burlap Bubble Wreath
Yes–give yourself grace!! Every woman experiences pregnancy differently. I am 40 weeks (today!) with my first, and it has been a rollercoaster of emotions: excitement, worry, joy, anxiety, and then a lot of the neutral in-between. Everybody keeps saying “You must be so excited!” and I am, but because I have NO IDEA when this baby is going to show up (tomorrow? next week? no clue) I am holding the excitement in check until things actually start happening. And also because it’s still so surreal–I mean, I know there’s a baby in me, I’ve seen the ultrasound photos and I can definitely feel limbs and feet and movement–but until I’m actually holding him (it is a boy 🙂 ) in my arms, I don’t think the full reality of being a mama will hit me.
I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough go of it with the morning sickness. Take comfort in the fact that it WILL end! And yes, keep snacking a lot–that’s the only thing that kept my nausea at bay, so I totally get it. The fun part is after you know the gender and start feeling movement. Treasure every moment–trust me, it seems like it will be forever, but looking back you’ll wonder where those months went. 🙂 And enjoy every minute you get with your hubby, while it’s still just the two of you! These are days and weeks to treasure.
Found you at The Modest Mom–and so glad I did!
Jaimie Ramsey recently posted…Preparing for the journey: thoughts from a first-time mother
Jaimie, thanks for this sweet comment! I agree…a rollercoaster is such a great way to describe it. I am really excited to move forward though and start to have it all feel more real! Although I think the ultimate “realness” will be when I actually see or hold him/her.
We are trying to soak up any minutes we can! I know things will change drastically next year (in good and hard ways) and so we’re trying to enjoy lots of quiet nights at home together. Thanks for stopping by! 🙂
Lauren recently posted…How To Make A Fall Burlap Bubble Wreath
I know a few women who didn’t feel connected to their baby right away. I’m sure a lot of woman are feeling that way too and I’m sure this post will help them 🙂
Emilie recently posted…September Favorites: In&Out #3
Thanks, Emilie! That’s one of my goals and hopes for this blog – that it would normalize and take the stigma away from emotions and struggles that we feel alone in. Thanks for your encouraging words!
Lauren recently posted…How To Make A Fall Burlap Bubble Wreath
I love the honesty here, Lauren. I have two friends who have walked through pregnancy, spending most of the time unsure that they were 100% excited or ready to be parents! I think some of us expect to experience that joy throughout that season, but it seems not to always come immediately. Thanks for sharing this “confession”– with grace we can walk through anything!
Daisy @ Simplicity Relished recently posted…How To Choose Where To Study Abroad In College
Thanks, Daisy! It really is such a rollercoaster of emotions. There are lots of good ones, but there’s a good amount of fear and uncertainty mixed in too! So true…with grace we can move forward in anything. Thanks for your sweet comment, Daisy!
Lauren recently posted…How To Make A Fall Burlap Bubble Wreath
Thanks for sharing your experience so honestly, as always! I felt super weird and guilty when I wasn’t emotionally connected to my growing baby right away, but it’s true that this happens for each woman in her own time. Different moments along the way have made this feel more real — the ultrasound and finding out the gender, feeling consistent movement, starting to put together the nursery, baby showers and little clothes. It all adds up slowly, but I’m like you — I take a while to warm up to new things anyway, and that makes perfect sense with this too. I love that pregnancy is almost 10 months long, because I think I’ve needed all that time to wrap my head and heart around what’s happening!
Brittany Bergman recently posted…Can We Stop Body Shaming Ourselves?
It is such a weird experience, isn’t it? I think all those little things as we move forward will definitely help to make it feel more real and I’m excited for that. I’m especially excited to find out the gender and choose a name. I think that will really help to feel more like there’s an actual person in there who will have a heart and personality that we’ll get to mold and watch as it forms. Thanks for your encouragement, Brittany!
Lauren recently posted…How To Make A Fall Burlap Bubble Wreath
For me, knowing the gender and having a name were super important for the bonding.
But also, know it’s entirely possible that you won’t even feel that huge connection right after birth. It’s a thing that people don’t talk about, and I don’t know if it’s the haywire hormones or what, but I didn’t feel that instant rush of emotion or affection with either of my babies right after birth. I loved them, but the rest developed over several days (maybe even weeks?).
Abby recently posted…glazed strawberry lime scones
That’s what I’m thinking too! I’m definitely anticipating that might be an issue too. I’m trying to just give myself grace that eventually my heart will swell and expand to hold this little one, even if it takes a while to get there. Thanks for your honesty too, Abby!
Lauren recently posted…How To Make A Fall Burlap Bubble Wreath
Thank you for being so honest here (as always!) Lauren. At this point I only think of pregnancy as this super sweet mother-child bonding thing where you look longingly into a nursery rubbing your belly and smiling pleasantly with a glow in your face.
Give yourself the grace, pretty lady! Also… I would love for you to write about the details on your body changing. I’ve heard many women mention it, and the sadness and frustration they feel in their body during those first few months, but I want to know what you REALLY mean. Being on the other side, it seems vague, whereas when you’re pregnant you know exactly what all the other pregnant women before you meant. Basically I just want to be in on the insider knowledge haha …just an idea! I’m very curious!
Ha I think I still think of it that way sometimes, even though I’m still learning it’s not the truth! Hmm that’s super interesting….I would love to write about that! I think there’s so much weird body shaming and comparing that goes on in pregnancy and that could be a good thing to tie in with all of that. Thanks for the post inspiration! 😉 And I’m the same way…I LOVE hearing about people’s real experiences with things and try to be as nosy as I can sometimes! 😉
Lauren recently posted…How To Make A Fall Burlap Bubble Wreath
My mom said that her first first thought was “Oh crap. We’re actually pregnant.” They’d been wanting and praying for a baby for two years, but it was a whole different feeling when they realized they were actually going to have one. I talked to another friend just before she was about to give birth to her second baby, she said that with work and the first baby, she wasn’t able to focus on the pregnancy as much with the second baby. But she actually thought that was a GOOD thing. She said the first time around, she was waaaay to far into her own head and that she was borderline obsessive about all the things she way supposed to be doing. She thought that that wasn’t very healthy. It sounds like you’re doing just just fine to me. It has to take time to get used to the fact that you’ve got something growing inside you, and it’s hard to feel that glow-y love when you’re feeling nauseous! Keep up the grace and know that you’ve got a lot of women out here surrounding you and your journey 🙂
Megan Gonzalez recently posted…Easy French Pedicure
Ha that was pretty similar to my reaction…but more just shock that it had happened so fast! The distraction of work actually has been good. Even though it’s tiring to be on my feet all day, it helps me to not just think about the pregnancy and makes the weeks move by faster. Thanks for your encouragement, Megan! 🙂 I’m grateful for the blogging (and real life) world and how all you lovely people have surrounded me with grace and encouragement!
Lauren recently posted…How To Make A Fall Burlap Bubble Wreath
Hi Lauren,
It’s so fun to watch you through this stage. Such pure sweetness. Just remember, God has given you your own unique story. As your husband said, give yourself a lot of grace to be just the Mama God has planned you to be. You may find some similarities of other pregnant Moms, but you may find yourself in a completely different place and that is okay. Just don’t ever let yourself get caught in the comparison trap!
Blessings and smiles,
Lori
Lori Schumaker recently posted…Why Discard Your Joy?
Thanks, Lori 🙂 So true. This pregnancy is ours to celebrate and experience and comparing it with anyone else won’t be helpful in any way! Thanks for the encouragement!
Lauren recently posted…How To Make A Fall Burlap Bubble Wreath
This is such an honest and touching post and not just because it’s real, but because I get it. When we were pregnant with Monkey Boy we were also undergoing different transitions and I was mentally (and in ways physically) busy with all of that. I tried to figure how to connect with him growing inside, but I was so sick for the first 15 weeks, it was all I could do to get up and go to work every day.
Eventually, I started to feel a bit more connected, but I was well into second trimester before I had any true inkling of any love towards him. I didn’t have negative emotions, just nothing overall. There were moments, but they only happened when I was still enough and I wrote a letter to him.
With this pregnancy, first trimester was still awful and I have had more dreams about preparing for Turtle Baby’s arrival and wanting to make 5th ins for him/her. BUT, we’re not in multiple transitions and I’ve had 2 years of learning motherhood and mothering. I know it will all change again in a few weeks when Turtle Baby arrives. Thankfully though, things did get better…Both with Monkey Boy and now with Turtle Baby.
I’d say let it come to you as it comes, give yourself grace (tons and tons of it), and let go of expectations. 🙂
:mama hugs:
Kendall Patton recently posted…Endings
Thank you so much for this genuine, thoughtful comment, Kendall! Even though pregnancy is amazing and miraculous, our lives and commitments and transitions still keep happening and it’s hard to be 100% focused on the whole pregnancy business. I’ve had lots of mamas say it gets more real and you connect with the baby more once you can feel them move and have a gender/name, or even just once they’re born. I’m excited to keep moving forward and embrace the new feelings and changes as they come, even if it’s not as quickly or exactly how I would choose it. Thanks for your encouragement! Good luck with your Turtle Baby! 🙂
I can relate so much to this post. 21 weeks with my second and Thia pregnancy has been sleeping different. First time around it was nothing but bliss, this time I feel so sicky and crappy and guilty because I feel like I’m not enjoying the pregnancy. I love the little bean inside me but don’t even want to know the sex, just that he/she is healthy. I will certainly give myself grace. No more guilt here. Just grateful for another little one to love and yes I may feel fat and crappy and emotional but it’d only for so much more longer. Wish you the best for the rest of your pregnancy!!!
Thanks for your honest, Kay Nicole! It’s so hard to feel all motherly and beautiful and glowing when you really just want to throw up, right? So glad that we can give ourselves grace and know that it’s okay to not enjoy every moment of this process, no matter how miraculous it is. Thanks for reading and leaving such a genuine comment! i wish you all the best with your little one!
I love how you are giving yourself grace because while pregnancy is miraculous it does not always feel that way as you are going through it. I immediately connected when you shared how you were feeling in the 1st trimester. You just wanted to make sure you didn’t lose the baby. As a woman who endured several miscarriages before actually having my first son I know that feeling. Blessings to you this week as your body continues to change and you extend yourself grace.
Mary Geisen recently posted…Be Strong and Courageous
Thanks, Mary! I’m so grateful for your sweet words. It’s so hard to move past the fear and trust that God will be with us and good no matter what happens to our babies! Thanks for your encouragement!
Love this so much. Love your honesty!!! It is so true, that every pregnancy is different and not every woman experiences it in the “typical” way. You just keep giving yourself grace and let yourself feel what you feel. I’m a Mom of 4 & my BABY turned 5 this month… Just enjoy yourself, and don’t feel guilty about the times you’re not enjoying. 🙂 Because there will be both! Thanks for sharing with us at #RaRaLinkup today!
Hey Lauren,
What a sweet and honest post today. Thank you for sharing your heart.
I’m going to pray that God will just fill you with great peace today and calm any nausea you might be experiencing.
I found your post on Wise Woman today.
Hope you have a blessed (and cracker free day) today~
Melanie
Melanie Redd recently posted…25 Simple Ways to Make Your Marriage Last
Thanks, Melanie! I appreciate those prayers 🙂
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: Teacher Shoutouts And A Happy Tummy
Thanks for being real, friend! I don’t have a lot to contribute because I can’t relate, but I have no doubts that you will be an amazing mom, and you shouldn’t feel like your pregnancy has to fit into the little bubble of other experiences 🙂 God has you right where he wants you, and I know the moment you see that little baby, nothing else will matter! Praying for you.
Kelsie recently posted…A Moment with Rebecca: Technology & Connecting with God
There have been several times in my life when I haven’t felt like I thought I should feel {when I got engaged I was pretty nervous about the big change!} but there have been other times when I felt exactly like I thought I should {walking down the aisle}. The truth is that you can’t control how you feel, and sometimes you just need to give yourself grace {as your hubs said!} to feel it, and push through those feelings. My guess is as your pregnancy continues, and especially when you are holding that baby you will know a new kind of joy.
Bethany Lotulelei recently posted…Read This Before Choosing Your Wedding Date
Yes, I totally remember that feeling when we got engaged! It’s exciting and scary but a big change too. You’re so right: we can’t control our emotions, we can only be curious about them and the window they offer into our hearts. Thanks for your sweet words and encouragement!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: Teacher Shoutouts And A Happy Tummy
Oh friend. Pregnancy is definitely a time where we just plain need grace. Sometimes it will be because we think we should be feeling a certain way (like when we don’t feel like pregnancy is as beautiful and wonderful as someone else), sometimes it’s because we say something a little more strongly than perhaps it should have been said, sometimes its because all you can think about is FOOD! But really, after four pregnancies, I have never felt like pregnancy was just this wonderful time. Yes, it was precious but it was also uncomfortable. Yes, I loved feeling my little one move, but I also really could not sleep. I look back and marvel that my body held and assisted in the creation of 4 little ones, but not for one second to I miss the years I was pregnant.
Ashley recently posted…Early Theme Adopters: Libre
Ashley, thanks for this thoughtful comment! Ha and amen to the food…my nausea has transitioned into a crazy hunger this week and it’s a funny new change. I guess it just means baby is growing quickly! I’m so glad to know I’m not alone in that. I’m excited for this season because of all it means and what it will bring, but it’s okay if it’s hard as we journey through it. Thanks for your encouragement!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: Teacher Shoutouts And A Happy Tummy
It has been a long time since I was pregnant (my baby is 34) but I still remember some of these feelings. I’m glad that you are giving yourself some grace because keep of us handles things in a different way. It doesn’t mean that you will be a bad parent – it just means that your temperament is more calm and relaxed. Which by the way can be a great asset for parenting. Many blessings in the future for your family !!
Thanks, Rebecca! I appreciate your encouragement, especially from someone who’s been there not only for the baby years but all the years that follow! Thanks for stopping by!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: Teacher Shoutouts And A Happy Tummy
I was either asleep or exhausted through my first pregnancy, and I was the same way. I do think many more feel like that, but they are afraid to say it. It drove menus that women wouldn’t really have honest conversations. (Except for a few that were too honest!) good for you for getting it out. I know it helps me to verbalized a struggle!
Sarah Donegan recently posted…Walls of Jasper
Haha I’m right there with you, Sarah! It’s so much more tiring than I realized it would be. My heart in sharing is definitely so that other women would know it’s okay to have mixed feelings throughout the whole journey as we process this huge new change into being mamas. Thanks for your sweet comment!
Lauren recently posted…Five on Friday: Teacher Shoutouts And A Happy Tummy
Nice post! It’s so important to acknowledge these feelings and be okay with just feeling what you feel and taking the experience as it comes.
When my first child was born, the hospital freaked out about the possibility of his having inhaled meconium and whisked him away for almost two hours without letting me see or touch him for even one second. (That is not necessary! Meconium aspiration can be treated by suctioning while baby is on your chest! There’s no need to do more unless baby has trouble breathing.) I was very upset; then I was trying to rest but it felt so weird that I had a baby, I *had* him, but now what?; then I got up to use the bathroom and fainted, and after I was back in bed and the nurses were done fussing over me and left, I realized somebody had brought my baby back and just left him in a bassinet! My partner brought him over so I could finally hold him…but he was asleep, and I just felt no connection, wasn’t even sure if this was my baby or another one. I worried that we had missed the crucial bonding time! Eventually I held his bare foot in my hand and felt that I recognized this foot that had been kicking me from inside. Then when he woke up and looked at my face, *he* seemed to know *me*, and it all got better from there. 🙂 So that’s my story of how it’s okay not to feel the “right” feelings because it will all work out!
You might like this post that really encouraged me when I found it yesterday: When You’re Tired of Being Sorry. May grace and peace be with you throughout your pregnancy and motherhood.
P.S. If your nausea continues, look into B vitamin supplements. They really helped me feel better with my second child.
Becca @ The Earthlings Handbook recently posted…What Insurance Is For
Wow, Becca! What a thoughtful comment. I’m so sorry that you had to go through all that, especially with your first. I’m glad to hear he’s healthy but I can’t imagine how hard it was to not know if he was okay or to go through the whole experience of birth and not even be able to hold him and have something to show for it right away.
That moments of finally looking at him and having him know you is so sweet and beautiful though. Those are the moments I am so excited for when our little one arrives!
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment! I’m so encouraged by your story and can’t wait to experience some of the things you did. I’ll have to check out that post you recommended!
You have had so many wonderful, grace-filled comments and what I have to say isn’t original. I just want to give you a little more encouragement. I remember reading every pregnancy book I could get my hands on. I also remember feeling like I was connecting to “being pregnant,” not to the baby. I went into labor at 25 weeks, and even then, though I was terrified of losing my little girl, I was so mentally focused on what was physically happening that I wasn’t connecting to the emotional part. Even after birth, after weeks of bedrest, it was still unreal enough that it was hard to get my heart around. But I promise, that will come — one day you realize your own heartbeat has become an echo for that sweet little heartbeat that makes your world go ’round. Enjoy this season, and don’t beat yourself up for needing to concentrate on other things that must be done, as well. God made our hearts big enough for all of it. 🙂 #FaithandFellowshipBlogHop
Wendy recently posted…The Pinterest Game #13a
Just found your blog, and can I just tell you that I 100% felt the same way with both of my pregnancies?
Not that I never wanted a baby (or two), but … I felt indifferent? I always feel terrible admitting that, because man-oh-man do I love my boys, but pregnancy was not my favorite. I wasn’t really sick, but I just never felt like myself.
Grace is basically the only thing that got me through those times. I knew I would love my kiddos once they arrived, but that’s how it goes I guess.
Just know you’re not the only one out there that has felt that way!!! <3
Stevey recently posted…Five Friday Favorites!
GIRL. Oh my goodness. So I just found your blog through the recommendation of a friend and after reading your about me, I thought how sweet your blog is and how alike we are! My husband and I have been married for about 2 years too. And then I came across this post. Oh. My. Heart. This is seriously my heart right now. I’m 20 weeks, 2 days with our first. And I have been nauseous sick since week 6, in the hospital 3 times. So bad. It’s been so hard. So hard. Especially when everyone talks about how great they feel and all of that. But I’m slowly learning that God is still with me, carrying me through it and keeping our baby safe and healthy. I’ve been able to spend more intimate time with Him while being sick and while I hate being nauseous, I know there is value in this season. I am soooo glad I found someone who GETS IT. I would love love to talk to you more in depth if you don’t mind me emailing ya! I blog over at http://www.hotteaandtheemptyseat.blogspot.com 🙂
Love your heart, girl! God is faithful and you will feel better soon! You’ll be a great mom 🙂
-Katie
Katie recently posted…A joyful home // one room challenge!
Wow, thanks for this thoughtful and encouraging comment, Katie! I was so overwhelmed and encouraged by all the women who reached out to say I’m not the only one who’s wrestled with some of this too!
I’m so sorry you were so nauseous! I went and peeked around your blog a bit and it’s crazy how bad your nausea was/is! It is SO draining, emotionally and physically, and I bet you have been wrestling with that a lot. I would love to talk more via email! I love finding other wives/mama-to-be/believers in my similar life stage and would lvoe to get to know you better!
Ha and last part of this long comment…your blog is so cute and I’m excited to explore more! Thanks for your sweet comment! 😉
This is exactly what I needed to read right now! I’m 13 weeks with my first and I’ve just been so miserable and sick and exhausted. I feel like everyone else is far more excited about my baby than I am! I am having a really hard time picturing an actual baby at the end of this and I don’t feel connected to it at all. I just feel frustrated and miserable and like there’s no end in sight. Part of me doesn’t even want to feel connected to it in case something goes wrong. I can barely bring myself to say things like ‘our baby’ or ‘after the baby is born’ or think about plans for where it will sleep and what it will wear and all those details. My husband has been great about letting me feel that way and encouraging me to not feel bad but I’ve been feeling really guilty. Thank you for this honest post!
Aww Carolyn congrats to you! And I’m so sorry about the sickness, it really is so, so hard. And it really is so weird to wrap your mind around the fact that there is an actual BABY in there…not just a tiny alien that’s making you feel sick and big 😉 I was the same way for a long time, and I’d say now am finally starting to dream more about baby as we near the halfway point. We find out the baby’s gender next week and I think that will be another big step in making it feel more real! I’m so glad my words were encouraging to you. You are definitely not alone!
THANK YOU so much for this post!!! I am pregnant with my second (Due in April! So close to you! 🙂 … and this is EXACTLY how I am feeling. I really needed to read this. Sometimes I find myself trying to force those feelings that just aren’t there yet — thank you for reminding me that, that is okay and to simply be real about it. Such a blessing to read this today.