Sobremesa Stories

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What To Do When You Feel Like A Fake Grownup

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When I would watch movies of adults living out their marriages, families, and careers, I felt like they had figured out the secret to being a grownup.   I imagined that when I graduated or got married or got my first job, I would feel capable and mature like they did and would be more than ready to take on the challenges that each of these new life stages would bring.

But when those big life milestones came and went and I kept moving forward into adulthood, I didn’t magically feel grownup and confident.  I just felt like the same me I’d always been, except I was wearing a graduation cap or a wedding dress or staring shocked at a positive pregnancy test at 4 AM on a July morning.

On Feeling Like A Fake Grownup Pregnancy Announcement

Source: Haley George Photography

These new, big life challenges kept on coming and I keep on growing as they come, but underneath the grownup exterior I sometimes feel like a scared little kid.  I’m doing all the grownup things I’m supposed to do: working, paying the bills, sharing life with my husband, starting a family, and eating my vegetables (most of the time at least), but I feel like one of these days somebody’s going to look at me and realize that I’m still just a 12-year-old kid who’s making up this grownup stuff as she goes.

Feeling Like A Fake Grownup

When I look at my life and all of the wonderful, amazing things that have happened these last few years, I feel both overwhelmed by gratitude and by the insanity of how time has flown.  When the heck did I become old enough to get married? Own a house? Have a freaking KID? When I was little, it seemed like my parents had it all together and knew everything (I’m not sure how they learned All the Things, but as a kid I was convinced they knew them all).  And here we are, 15 weeks pregnant at about the same age my own mama was when she was pregnant with me, and I don’t have the slightest idea about the things you need to keep a tiny human alive and happy.

The more I talk with my friends from college, my friends here in Kansas City, and all of you lovely readers, the more I start to believe I’m not the only one who feels this.  It seems like a lot of us start our new jobs, marriages, and adventures hoping that we’ll somehow figure it out as we go.

We do all the things we’re supposed to do and wear our grownup clothes, but underneath it all, we feel incapable, insecure, and a little nervous that everyone will find out we’re actually fake grownups instead of real ones like the people who raised us, coached us, and helped us grow over the years.  We act like grownups, but inside, we still feel like pimply preteens pretending that we’re old enough to date, have a Myspace, and go to the movies by ourselves without getting into mischief.

Feeling Like A Fake Grownup In Real Life

What Growing Up Actually Looks Like

Friends, I’m starting to wonder if maybe this is just how it works. What if we don’t jump into marriage or new jobs or having families because we are 100% prepared and can say with confidence that we’re mature enough to handle those things?  What if being a grownup actually means taking steps forward in our independence and letting those challenges shape us into the adults we are becoming as we go?

It seems like so many people we know (ourselves included) are scared to take steps forward in their relationships, careers, and faith because they don’t feel ready. We’re waiting for some magical sign that we’re good enough and mature enough to apply for that promotion, to invest in that church, to make that decision to start a family, or to quit our jobs and pursue something we actually love.  We wait to take big life steps forward until we feel like mature grownups who are ready to take everything that comes our way. And when we still feel like insecure middle schoolers on the inside, we let fear prevent us from moving forward into adult pursuits and decisions.

I’m not saying we should make irresponsible decisions to get married or quit our jobs or do other impulsive things that aren’t wise or safe or well thought out.  But maybe it’s time all of us 20 and 30-somethings start embracing the fact that we are the grownups we used to look up to.  Even if we still feel like confused and insecure kids, the reality is that the weight of supporting ourselves, loving our neighbors, taking care of our world, and growing our families now rests on our shoulders.

Feeling Like A Fake Grownup Sobremesa Stories Blog

The actual process of becoming an adult looks different for everyone, and we’ll all move forward in our adulthood in unique ways that fit us and our passions and stories.  But the further along we move in this journey, the more convinced I become that sometimes the most mature thing we can do is make grownup decisions before we feel 100% prepared to make them.

Yes, we might still feel like insecure kids as we teach that class or lead that meeting, but the longer we “fake it,” the more capable and confident we’ll become in these roles.  Yes, we might feel like we aren’t qualified to share that idea, initiate that hard conversation, or build that community from the ground up, but maybe our bravery to do that thing that scares us just this one time is what makes us feel more confident and ready to do it again when the time arises.

I wonder if becoming a grownup isn’t actually something that happens as we successfully pass life milestones but rather something that happens as we acknowledge the awkward 12-year-old inside us and keep moving forward anyway.  I wonder if becoming a grownup looks like admitting we’re scared and we don’t know what we’re doing, but we’re going to keep on being brave and doing it anyway.

Let’s Be Grownups Together!

I shared this beautiful quote by Brené Brown a few weeks ago in my post on why we should share out struggles and embrace vulnerability but I feel like it fits so well here as well.

Do you ever feel like you're a "fake" grownup and eventually everyone will realize it? You're not alone, my friend.

I’ll be the first to say that I am insecure and daily wonder if I’m ready to handle the marriage I’m committed to, the home we own, the puppy who depends on us, or the baby that is growing inside me as I type this.  But I’m starting to embrace the truth that even in my fear and my doubt, I can be brave and continue to take steps forward to learn what it means to be an adult.

I don’t know what part of your life right now brings you back to that place where you feel insecure, incapable, and small, but I know this: You are a grownup, my sweet friend.  And with each step you take forward to tackle those challenges at your job, in your marriage, or in your families and communities, you are growing out of those super cool Keds (or whatever shoes you rocked in middle school) and into the sensible grownup shoes that will walk you out of your adolescence and into a life full of joy, purpose, and maturity.

Let’s ask for help when being a grownup is confusing.  Let’s give ourselves grace when we mess it all up and let’s keep moving forward and growing because we know that if we’re not moving forward we’re going backwards.  Knowing that we probably will fail at least a few times, let’s be brave grownups even when we feel like posers.  And when we’re tempted to let that insecure 12-year-old inside us make our decisions?  Let’s remind each other of this truth from Brené Brown over and over: “I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am brave and worthy of love and belonging.”

We are grownups, and we can do the things that scare us.  Now let’s get “grownup-ing,” friends.

What To Do When You Feel Like A Fake Grownup Sobremesa Stories

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Comments

  2. Yes! Thank you so much for validating these feelings I have been struggling with. I don’t feel “grown up” even though I am very near to thirty years old. I will not let my fears and insecurity define me.
    Leeann recently posted…325My Profile

  3. I’m 22 — pretty new to the real adult scene as I just graduated this May, but it’s intimidating! I definitely feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. And with my wedding coming up in January, I feel like I don’t really know what to expect! It’s a whole new world!
    Anna | SheisJoyful recently posted…Friday Confessions | 09.18.15My Profile

  4. I am approaching 40 and sometimes I do still feel like a child but I have learned the difference in a child and an adult is that an adult does what she ought. As we grow-up in Christ especially we learn to trust God that exercising self-control and following His commands will bring us more joy not less!
    Helene recently posted…Calling All Introverts: The Church Needs You!My Profile

  5. Well at 60, I still love being a little kid. And being with my own children’s children brings out someone who’s funny and silly and ready to roll! Sometimes I like her more than I like me!

    I guess there will always be the time and place to be our inner child once again … but meanwhile may confidence and joy lead the way for us to live out our grownup lives, our big girl callings.

    Hugs to you, Lauren!
    Linda Stoll recently posted…In Which I’ve Finally Decided What To Do With 31 DaysMy Profile

  6. Love that quote Lauren, thanks for sharing! I always feel like a kid at heart…so maybe I’ll always feel like that! The weirdest thing to me is to think about my parents at our age, and how they are kind of always 40 in my mind. I’m sort of used to myself aging, but not to my family members doing it too.
    Kelsie recently posted…A Moment with Sarah: Gaining and LosingMy Profile

  9. Oh my gosh, will you be my new best friend? LOVED this post, and I’m so excited for your pregnancy! When are you due? Pinning this for later, sending it to my bestie (we constantly bemoan feeling inadequate to “adult” — have you seen that t-shirt, “I can’t adult today?” ;P), and subscribing.

    Found you via Authentic Bloggers on facebook. 🙂
    Sarah Eliza recently posted…Sun Protection Dilemmas – My Experiences with Natural vs Conventional Sunscreen and the Much Less Gunky Third Option! PS Lipstick DOES Protect Your Lips from the Sun!My Profile

  12. I LOVE this! It’s so true. While in some ways I feel like a grown up (like when I realize I’ve worn heels all day and my feet don’t hurt. Or when I noticed the other day that I actually prefer lipstick to lip gloss). I still can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’m an impostor. I can’t imagine having a baby right now even though I’ve been married for 3 years. I still feel inferior at work even though I’ve been working her for 3 years and that’s longer than a LOT of people. (We’re growing rapidly). Anyway, in short: thanks for writing this today! I needed to read it!
    Charlene recently posted…Literary Ladies Summer Book Challenge Final CheckMy Profile

  13. I have felt this exact same way often! I even asked my mom when she felt like she had “arrived” so to speak, and she said that you always kind of feel younger internally than you really are. I think it’s common to feel like an imposter, and knowing other people felt the same helped me feel better. 🙂 I will say that I feel most like an adult when I look at people who are younger than me now, or remember how I felt just a few years ago – if I look at everything in the future or people who are older/more put together than me, then I feel like I’m a faker! It all depends on perspective.
    Callie recently posted…5 Tips To Get Maternity Photos You Will LoveMy Profile

  17. This couldn’t be more spot on. Seriously, when will we really feel “adult?” At 27 I’m still not sure. I think about 10 years ago and how OLD 27 sounded – how grown up and adult. Now I’m not sure. I still feel like that scared teen, with the only stresses being a volleyball match in the evening and getting homework done. Now I have a broken furnace, a dog and boyfriend that depend on me, a “real life” job and all those seemingly adult things, but I don’t feel it. So I like your idea about faking it till we’re making it. Maybe that’s what “adulting” is all about. At least we’re all in it together!
    Laura @ Life with Lolo recently posted…My 5 Favorite Pet Instagram AccountsMy Profile

  19. I can relate to this post SOO much!! This is something I have thought about for so long. What exactly CONSTITUTES being grown up? Is it graduating college? Getting married? Having kids? I have no idea. All I know is, I definitely don’t feel like a grown up. There are so many times where I have felt like I am still treated like a kid even though I am 23, have graduated college, am in a master’s program, and am engaged. But I guess I sort of am still am a kid ??

    I don’t know!! I loved this post though and knowing that others are feeling the same way!
    Chelsea recently posted…Renewed Intentions and Clearer FocusMy Profile

  20. This is so true! I was listening to a morning show on the radio last week, and the hosts were all discussing the age at which they started to feel like adults. Most of them said somewhere between 28 and 35, equating having a child with the reason for the shift. We’ll see if that happens, because I definitely don’t feel old or grown-up enough to be taking care of another human! Owning a house is another one that makes me feel like I’m playing pretend. 🙂 I love the idea of doing our best to make these decisions and move forward, because it’s true that we’ll never be 100% ready. If we rely on the wisdom in the Bible, what we’ve learned in life so far, and healthy perspectives from trusted friends/family, we won’t go too wrong!
    Brittany Bergman recently posted…Simplify Your Stuff: A Guide to Uncluttering Your HomeMy Profile

    • I think getting married and having a full time job made me and hubby feel more like adults. I’m sure having a kid will only contribute more to that feeling of being a grownup! Sometimes we just have to let ourselves grow into the responsibilities we have instead of waiting to feel 100% ready. And like you said…we can’t go too wrong! 🙂
      Lauren recently posted…Sexual Assault, Suicide, and Finding HealingMy Profile

  21. This is so perfect! I feel like this every day! I still can’t even believe that I’m a mom.. like really it’s crazy. I look down at this baby wrapped up on me and it’s like she’s a little doll. I didn’t know the first thing about babies before I had her.. neither of us had ever even changed a diaper. But it really did just come naturally as soon as she was born, and it’s so cool because now we’re part of this parents’ “club” that we never even knew existed =)

  24. I just turned 27 last week and the whole week I’ve been going: “wait up, I’m leaving my mid-twenties?” Wait a minute, wait a minute!!! I’m married, have a mortgage, I’m in grad school, and I’m baby hungry!

    I love this post and the insights you shared. I can definitely relate 🙂
    Autumn recently posted…Ancestry.com DNA testing: part 1My Profile

  27. I kept feeling that way when Alan and I first got married–like we were just “playing house.” I thought someone was going to come and tell me to stop. Our first house never felt like ours because we couldn’t make the space our own or even buy the things we needed/wanted because we’d have to leave it all behind. But now, one year into homeownership in the States, it’s finally starting to feel real. But the baby part? I’m still a baby myself! And yet sometimes… I really want one 😉
    Megan Gonzalez recently posted…Pursue Christ Not ChristianityMy Profile

    • Yes! It felt like the first few months of marriage were one big sleepover that would stop eventually. Having a house definitely makes us feel more like “adults,” even though we still love to play and be silly. Haha yes it is crazy to think about having a baby…I think I’ve felt more ready as we’ve felt more established in our house, our church, and our jobs. It was a gradual process though!
      Lauren recently posted…Sexual Assault, Suicide, and Finding HealingMy Profile

  28. Yes! So often I feel too young to have such “grown-up” responsibilities. Yet, I feel like we’re doing pretty good. So on another card, I feel frustrated when OTHERS don’t see me as an “equal adult” just because they’re older. My parents have always had it together and been so wise and adult, but they treated me as such also. So when other adults belittle my adultness it feels hurtful. Because being an adult is HARD! When we start a family I’m going to be terrified/excited, but I want the encouragement from others that I can handle it “just like a grown-up.” Ya know?
    Joy recently posted…Blue Ridge Mountain Weekend Escape ItineraryMy Profile

    • Yes, so true! For a long time I hated going home where I grew up because I felt like people there didn’t see me as the woman I’d become, but rather as the 16 year old kid who I so desperately wanted to change when I left for college. It’s fun to go back now and be a bit more confident in who I am and the life my husband and I are growing and building together! Ha and I have a feeling that when we have kids there will be a lot of moments where we have NO idea what the heck we’re doing…but there’s no turning back now and I think we’ll survive 😉
      Lauren recently posted…Sexual Assault, Suicide, and Finding HealingMy Profile

  29. This is one of the best posts I’ve read in a while, Lauren, and hits so close to home. I think all of us definitely feel afraid and alone and like everyone else knows what they’re doing, but it takes courage to admit it and open up about it. I know I’ve felt like this is my job lately and I love knowing there are so many other people that feel this way. Thank you so much for this!
    Shannon recently posted…Pumpkin Spice Donuts with Maple Cream Cheese IcingMy Profile

  30. I still pinch myself that I have experienced as much as I have in my own life and I have been a grownup for a long time. Jumping in so to speak is the best way to be a grown up as long as you are not making hurtful or harmful choices. God will jump in with us and show us our way if we let Him. Glad to be visiting you from #RaRalinkup.
    Mary Geisen recently posted…Life is What We Make ItMy Profile

  31. Thank you for bravely writing this post…there are moments that come and went I didn’t feel like a grown up but I was just faking it!! Great post!

    Ursula aka Blueridge Beauty

  33. I felt just like you 46 years ago when I was pregnant with my first. But, you know what? It just all works out. I was married very young and I had this fear that I wouldn’t know when to buy toilet paper – because, well, would I even notice we were running low? After all I had never had to think about such things before! But, almost 48 years later, I’ve never once ran out of bathroom tissue and my kids all grew up and are thriving! Visiting from Holley’s in slot #9.
    Susan Shipe recently posted…from the cracksMy Profile

  34. YES! I frequently look around at my life and my 4 children to try to figure out when I grew up! I’m still not sure, but here I am. And when we bravely accept our place, our age, it is beautiful. And thank goodness for community, because though grown-upping is beautiful and fun, boy can it be hard! 😉
    Ashley recently posted…Field Notes: Tech Inclusion 2015My Profile

  38. This post touched my heart. I had “issues” growing up that I needed to deal with. One thing that occurred to me while I was in prayer about this – my parents were people just like me. My mother had these same feelings of not being grown up enough to handle what was going on in her life.

    As I forgave her and that wonderful peace that passes understanding surrounded me, I realized that my children look at me as an adult – just like I viewed my parents. It is all just a matter of perspective.

    I am just grateful that I have Jesus at my side.

  39. Lauren- this post really spoke to me!! I’m so glad I came across it! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic. It’s so encouraging to know I am not the only one who feels like a 12-year-old sometimes! Again, I SO appreciate your honesty on these more vulnerable topics!! Keep ’em coming! I’m sharing this one for sure! 🙂
    Hannah recently posted…4 Reasons Why Marrying Your Best Friend Is a Good IdeaMy Profile