Sobremesa Stories

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The Assumption That Is Changing Our Marriage

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You can tell me it’s because I’m a girl, because I’m a Type A planner, or because I’m just kind of a worrier, but I know this one thing for sure: when I start to freak out about something, my mind spins and spins and spins.  I get one thought stuck in my head and it seems like things spiral out of control until I’ve imagined the whole world ending and everything I love falling apart (all in the span of about five minutes).

Assuming The Best In Marriage Sobremesa Stories Blog

When it comes to our marriage, this can be especially challenging.  Early on in our dating years and in marriage, I was quick to imagine the worst.  If Jordan was late getting home for dinner, I assumed it was because he was frustrated or annoyed with me and wasn’t looking forward to coming home.  If I tried to initiate vulnerable conversation and Jordan seemed tired, my mind started to spin with the insecurities that he was thinking I’m too much and too emotional.

If I was disappointed in or hurt by Jordan in any way, my mind went immediately to a place of shame and insecurity, assuming that everything he did was somehow a reflection of his heart for me, his love for me, and what I was ultimately worth, to my husband and in general.

How Assuming The Worst Impacted Our Marriage

As the months went by and this tendency continued, we started to see small ways it was impacting us.  Jordan felt like he had to walk on eggshells around me, like his every thought, action and response to me were being judged and evaluated to see if he measured up.  I felt overwhelmed by shame and insecurity and small situations that could have been easily defused with a little grace blew up into arguments that ended with hurt feelings and lots of frustration.

As we started to talk through our conflict cycle and what was at the root of the tension we were feeling, some patterns started to emerge.  We realized that in many situations, we were quick to assume the worst of each other. If I asked Jordan to do the dishes, he assumed it was because I was frustrated with him for not having done them already and felt like he wasn’t measuring up to my standards.  If Jordan was tired and didn’t feel like talking after a long day at work, I assumed it was because he was annoyed with me and wished I were somehow less emotionally needy.

Our default assumption was that our spouse only saw the worst in us, and we only saw the worst in them as a result. 

Assuming The Best In Marriage Sobremesa Stories Blog

Deciding To Assume The Best Of Each Other

Once we started to uncover this pattern, we realized we needed to make a conscious shift in the assumptions we made about each other, both in conflict and in our day to day interactions.  For us, this had two main aspects:

1) Realizing that our spouse’s actions and responses weren’t always about us.

Oh man, am I guilty of this one.  My immediate assumption is that everything Jordan thinks, says, and does is 100% connected to me, his beautiful, charming, and completely selfless wife (See the irony here?).  From my selfish perspective, I viewed everything Jordan did as a reflection of me and his heart for me.  Not only did this put an enormous amount of pressure on Jordan, it meant that a lot of my value and my self-esteem came from what Jordan said or did on a daily basis.  I turned my husband’s opinion of me (whether he meant to express that “opinion” of me or not) into an idol that gave me worth and significance.

Moving forward, we decided that we needed to embrace the reality of our selfish natures: 80% (okay maybe 70%? I’m making this statistic up so who knows) of what we think, say, and do is connected to ourselves and our own issues, NOT to our spouse.  Yes, sometimes our comments and actions reflect frustrations and issues that need to be addressed in our marriage.  But most of the time, if we’re honest, our actions are more a reflection of our own emotional, mental, and physical state in that given moment.

When we can start to assume that our spouse’s actions are not an immediate reflection of us and our value, we are able to seek to understand our spouse, instead of respond to them out of shame and defensiveness.  We can remind our partners that our value comes from something much deeper than a hurtful comment or sweet words from them – we have value because we are made by the One who loves us deeply and wholly, even in our shame.  And when we remember that truth, we’re free to turn our perspective outward and fight to know and understand our spouses in real, honest, and brave ways.

2) Assuming that our spouse was doing the best they could based on their past experiences and current circumstances.

For a while, Jordan and I described this idea as “assuming the best” in each other.  As I’ve been reading Brené Brown’s Rising Strong these last few weeks, she’s put words to this idea that has been starting to shape our interactions and conflict.  She challenges us to ask this question in situations where we feel hurt or disappointed: “What is the hypothesis of generosity? What is the most generous assumption you can make about this person’s intentions or what this person said?”

In short, she challenges us to let our first assumption be that the person we’re interacting with is doing the best they can given their past experiences and where they are now, even if that best isn’t exactly what we were hoping for in that moment.

Assuming The Best In Marriage Sobremesa Stories Blog

Y’all, this pretty much rocked my world because it is the complete opposite of my go-to assumption, especially in marriage.  Jordan and I are learning that when we make the most generous assumption we can about each other, we give ourselves the space to be human.  We give ourselves the space to mess up, occasionally let each other down, or snap at each other when we’ve had a bad day without it meaning we’re failures in life or in marriage.  We know that our spouses go-to assumption in all scenarios will be that we’re trying our best, so we can approach each other out of a place of honesty and truth, instead of out of defensiveness.

If I assume the best of Jordan, then I let myself trust that when he committed to me in marriage, he meant the words he said about loving me deeply and unconditionally.  I assume that all of his actions spring out of that place of love and commitment, even if he is still human and sometimes lets me down or disappoints me (or vice versa).  If (and when) we do let each other down, our minds haven’t been spinning with every hurtful possibility for hours. We can seek to understand our spouse and the situation better instead of arguing out of a place of insecurity, shame, and defensiveness.

Assuming The Best When Someone Has Done The Worst

I do want to pause and give a quick disclaimer here.  I believe wholeheartedly that when we can assume the best in our partners, we give them the grace to grow in their love for and commitment to us.  But what happens when we try to assume the best and find out that the worst really was true? What happens when he really was late to dinner because he was meeting another woman? What happens when the hurtful comments add up to a pattern of verbal or physical abuse? What happens when our spouses actually do hurt us through abuse or infidelity or a million other things?

Sometimes the best our spouses can do will just not be good enough, and in those moments, we absolutely have to set clear boundaries of what is okay or not okay.  If our spouses are hurting us or breaking the covenant of marriage, that should and MUST be addressed, whether through counseling, legal measures, or valuing ourselves enough to walk away. In Brené Brown’s words once again (seriously, I love her),  assuming the best in people means “we stop loving people for who they could be and start loving them for who they are.” (121).  Sometimes loving people for who they are means admitting the situation won’t change unless we set boundaries, seek help, or just plain walk away.

If the best your spouse can do is hurtful or abusive, I hope you will take the steps to fight for yourself and for your families, because you deserve a “best” that is better than that.

Assuming The Best In Marriage Sobremesa Stories Blog

How Assuming The Best Can Impact Our Marriages

In the context of marriages where we know we can love and trust our spouses deeply, assuming the best in our spouses can help bring grace and love into our daily interactions.  These are three examples of where we’ve seen growth as we’ve started to try this new way of thinking, but I’m sure that this would look different for everyone.

  1. Household tasks: If we can assume that our spouses loves us, then we can assume that a request for help with something comes out of a place of real need, rather than out of a passive aggressive desire to control or out of frustration and disappointment.
  2. Conflict: When we do have a hard conversation about something, we can assume that our partner is doing the best they can to love us well, and their comments are more of a refection of their own hurt than lasting statements about our value or their love for us.  Their comments don’t define us, so we can listen, confront, and forgive with grace.
  3. Intimacy: When I assume my spouse loves me and enjoys intimacy with me, then it’s okay when intimacy is sometimes hard or when the weeks get busy and physical intimacy doesn’t seem to be priority for one or both of us.  Our worth is secure, our marriage is secure, and we can give each other grace to be human in this area.

As I’ve shared in many of the posts I’ve written about conflict, I’m a big believer that we need to have the hard conversations in marriage and fight for real, honest intimacy with our spouses.  But sometimes, we can save ourselves the trouble of arguing by being willing to assume the best, by trusting that our spouses love us and because they’re human, they’ll mess up every once in a while.

I’m fully convinced that the best marriages are the ones most saturated with grace, the ones where it’s safe to be human and mess up because you know you will be loved no matter what.  Assuming the best of our spouses is one of the first steps towards that kind of marriage, and I hope you’ll join us in trying to take that step.

The One Assumption That Is Changing Our Marriage

I’m linking back to this post at Imparting Grace, Embracing His Will, A Life In Balance, Purposeful Faith, A Fresh Start On A Budget, What Joy Is Mine, The Beauty In His Grip, Strangers And Pilgrims On Earth, Me Coffee and Jesus, Women With Intention, A Little R & R, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Coffee For Your Heart, Serving Joyfully, 3D Lessons 4 Life, The Deliberate Mom, Dance With Jesus, Missional Women, Busy Being Blessed, Live Free Thursdays, Whole Hearted Wednesdays, Thriving Thursdays, Christian Mommy Bloggers, Still Saturdays, Tuesday Talk, and Modest Mondays.

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Comments

    • Thanks, Kristin! The disclaimer is definitely sad to think about but I’m sure I’ll have readers who come from that place of hurt rather than a safe/secure marriage (even though I wish everyone had a safe, loving marriage). I’m so glad you liked the post! Thanks for the encouragement!

  2. Given good/appropriate marriage circumstance, assuming the best is definitely a wise choice. There is no benefit whatsoever in assuming the worst about the person you love most, and that’s not a good habit to get into. That said, I had a totally different way of “assuming the worst” when my husband was late from work in the past–we lived out in the country and Michigan winters are so long and so bad, my mind would always go to thinking he got in a car accident or his car slid off the road. But that wasn’t productive, either. Besides, the only time we ever slid off the road due to ice, we were together, so hey, I didn’t have to worry about him. 🙂
    Rachel G recently posted…The End of an EraMy Profile

    • I have SO been there….I’ve gotten almost to the point of panic attacks if the weather was bad and his phone had died or something at a friend’s house (true confession). I’m right there with you! Midwestern weather can be the worst!

  3. So beautiful! I can definitely relate to how you feels sometimes with assuming the worst…I’m Type A as well and I believe it’s just common thinking. I’m so glad that you were able to realize that his reactions are not always a by-product of you and rather outside circumstances of his life in general. I think it’s good practice to assume the best in each other- know that you both can’t be perfect and you both are giving everything you can do the marriage. It’s okay if things don’t go perfectly with each other (intimacy, etc) because you both know how much you love each other and that you are doing the best you can.
    Chelsea recently posted…End-of-Summer Bargain FavoritesMy Profile

    • Thanks, Chelsea! That realization was huge for us…it definitely made me realize how self-centered my thoughts often are! We’re learning to give each other lots of grace and that is oh so good 🙂

  4. #1 oh boy! My husband works at a hopspital taking care of a lot of people all day. When he comes home, I tend to want to talk my day right away or I will start making a list of what we need to do that night. On some days, he’s just not having it and he gets irritated but I had to learn that it’s not about me. He’s just had a long day and needs some “me time”! That took me some getting used to!
    Emilie recently posted…10 Signs You’re A CheapskateMy Profile

    • Ha yes we definitely learned that lesson early on in marriage. I’m learning that when he’s ready, he always loves to listen and talk but sometimes he needs a while to get there! It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around but to love him well it’s worth it!

  5. Lauren, thank you for your vulnerability and honesty!! As a newlywed, I find myself in this situation sometimes more than I’d like to admit! It’s so easy to just let our minds fill up with negative and unproductive thoughts that completely separate us from our spouse instead of connect us with our spouse! I love your insight and advice and I’m so glad I stumbled upon this post this morning! I believe this is a game changer! haha! Keep allowing the Lord to use you as an encourager for your blog readers – keep doing you, girl! 🙂

  6. I love this!!! I’m going to bring this up in a conversation with Joe this week 🙂 I don’t think we try to assume the worst in each other, but I also don’t think we assume the best all the time either 🙂 Thanks for all of your insight on marriage, I love every post 🙂 And I love other wives that are willing to be vulnerable and open about their experience. It doesn’t matter how many years you have under your belt, none of us are experts, and we can all learn from each other!
    Amberly recently posted…What to Pack for Your First Baby Free, Romantic GetawayMy Profile

  7. I just finished reading Rising Strong by Brene Brown, and the part about assuming the best really impacted me. My husband has a predisposition to do this already, while I’ve always naturally been more cynical, and I see the way it impacts our outlooks and perspectives even just in day-to-day life. You’ve laid out a lot of advantages of assuming the best, and I want to start being a part of that mindset too.
    Grace recently posted…Bucket Lists and the Benefits of Setting GoalsMy Profile

  10. Wow! This is a fantastic post. My husband and I have been trying to do this in some ways, but you’ve laid out the whole picture in a way that will help us both. I can’t wait to read this with him and try to implement it in more effective ways. I know we both struggle with this in different ways.
    Megan Gonzalez recently posted…Prepare for Success: 3 Tips for TripsMy Profile

  13. Wow. First of all, great photos! You two are adorable and go great together. 🙂 Secondly, I can relate to this post on so many levels. I’m also a fellow worrier. It took me awhile, but I too had to learn to chill out and assume the best about my guy. When I learned to do that, I grew happier, he grew happier, and we both grew closer.
    Heather Serra recently posted…Autumn Date Night IdeasMy Profile

  14. This is so, so important. It’s amazing how assuming the worst will deteriorate our relationships so darn quickly. Early in our marriage, I struggled with assuming the worst about why (I felt like) I was doing most of the household chores. It got so much better for a while, and then I found myself doing it again recently. We actually had to make a list of who does which household tasks at our baby class on Saturday, and we discovered that we have a near-perfect even split. It takes opening your eyes and mind to what the other person is doing, but it opens up a whole world of intimacy.
    Brittany Bergman recently posted…What Summer MeantMy Profile

  15. I definitely needed to read this my fiancé and I are dealing with this right now. Our situation is pretty complicated but he is assuming the worst. I am doing my best to reassure him and be positive. It is a challenge. I will try using some of these tips to explain to him why everything will be fine! Thanks and love your voice!
    Jovanhanna Kristina recently posted…Essential Oils 101 & GiveawayMy Profile

    • I’m so sorry to hear that Jovanhanna! I hope y’all are able to process through and talk about everything and find some peace. Thanks for your sweet words!

  16. Yes, so true. It has been difficult for me to see that I live selfishly. When Greg said something or did(n’t) do something, I thought it was all about me. Or our relationship. I have learned that this isn’t truth as we have grown and talked and as I have grown, individually. And assuming the best about each other has done amazing things. One of my favorites is that we can laugh together more easily because we see each other the way God sees us.
    Ashley recently posted…Engineering Happiness in Brazil: WordCamp Rio de Janeiro and beyondMy Profile

    • I remember people telling me marriage would teach me about my own selfishness but I had no idea how much! And that’s beautiful…I love the idea that we need to have and pray for God’s eyes for each other.

  17. Even though I am not married, I too have this problem with my boyfriend. Although he rarely thinks the worst because he is so easy-going, I tend to always jump to the worst conclusion. I have seen so many negatives come of doing this, so I have been trying to be more optimistic. This is a trying task, though and I am still working on it. You make so many great points in this post!
    Amanda @Blissful Gal recently posted…Relaxing with Herbal TeaMy Profile

    • I can relate to that…I’m definitely more likely to “catastrophize” something than hubby is! I’m glad y’all are fighting to assume the best and love each other well!

  19. This is totally the advice I write on every single wedding care. Always assume the best in your spouse, and that they have the best intentions for you. So hard to remember sometimes, but so true. Thanks for sharing!
    Kelsie recently posted…When Conflict ComesMy Profile

  21. Brilliant! Such wise words here that will help marriages grow and thrive. Thank you for sharing candidly about your own situation. I can totally relate! We can’t go wrong if we always assume the best, not just in marriage, but all relationships. Blessings from Rara Linkup!
    Kristine recently posted…How to Carry the LightMy Profile

  23. Oh my gosh, this is spot on! I’m also Type A and like to have everything planning to my liking. Dave is a totally in the moment kind of guy. Meshing those two was a big adjustment for both of us! I don’t understand why he doesn’t seem like he cares about making plans and he can’t understand why I get so worked up about things that are seemingly irrelevant!
    Erin @ Very Erin recently posted…Using Meal Prep to Make Your Week EasierMy Profile

  24. Lauren, your words are so great here and packed with wisdom. And…you are your husband are precious! After 16 years of marriage, I can say that one of the biggest game changers is to always remember the heart of our spouse. Not only in caring for it, but in also realizing that it is filled with good intention toward us. In most cases, our guys really do mean the very best, don’t they? But boy – do they speak a different language and hear a different tune – especially if it’s being filtered through ESPN. 🙂 Thanks for sharing your insight and encouraging us to remember the heart!
    Tiffany Parry recently posted…The 40-Year-Old ClassroomMy Profile

    • Thanks, Tiffany. You’re so sweet! 🙂 I love that. It’s so easy to get caught up in our fears and worries and not realize that they do love us, even though they mess up sometimes (and so do we!). Haha and yes, sometimes my husband’s heart is more focused on ESPN than me, and I”m learning to be okay with that every once in a while 😉
      Lauren recently posted…A Pregnancy Update: 15 weeksMy Profile

  25. It’s so good that you’ve learned this valuable lesson early on. Ive been married 20 years now and we are just learning to assume the best in each other. Now marriage is good, before well, you know how it can be. Good for you two to learn this early on.

    http://www.keystothegenuinelife.com

  27. I love this SO MUCH and man oh man am I guilty of this one! I really needed to hear this today (especially as a super new-newlywed! Just ten days! 🙂 ) Thanks for posting!

    • I agree, it’s definitely so hard! You’re right that communication is key though. Sometimes being able to talk about our assumptions with our husbands is one of the best ways to move past them and find freedom from them!
      Lauren recently posted…A Pregnancy Update: 15 weeksMy Profile

  30. Lauren, I agree if we’re going to assume in marriage it should be of the best in one another. My fears are more of the car wreck variety when my husband has simply hit extra traffic. But our own thoughts and assumptions set the tone, not just of our voice but of our homes. Great encouragement, Lauren. Thank you, friend, for sharing your heart at #IntentionalTuesday on Intentionally Pursuing. : )
    Crystal Storms recently posted…Intentional Tuesday Linkup {Week 34}My Profile

  31. Great post with many valid points! Thank you for sharing this marital encouragement on the Art of Home-Making Mondays at Strangers & Pilgrims on Earth!

  32. So true! I think it’s a default of a lot of people to assume the worst, rather than the best of their spouse. (I love Brene Brown too! I just read her book Daring Greatly this summer! :))

  36. Believing the best is an attribute of love and my husband literarily put the scripture in my heart. we all need to practice this and experience the liberty and positivity it brings into our marriages.
    Thanks for sharing this with us Lauren, have a super blessed day!
    Love
    Ugochi recently posted…Words No One Should Say To Their Spouse.My Profile

  37. Lauren, there is so much truth and wisdom here! I can definitely relate. Often, we my husband rides his motorcycle and is running late I assume he’s had an accident. Not exactly the same as what you’re talking about here but it certainly affected my attitude toward him when he arrived home! Thank you for showing us how assuming the best and trusting our spouses are for us, not against us, can make all the difference. Loved this.

  38. This is so true!! I hate to admit it, but I think my husband and I both fall into the “assume” the worst” category more often than we should…especially with household tasks. (We have two toddlers, so there seems to be more household tasks than ever!) I can’t begin to tell you how many arguments could have been avoided if we had simply assumed the best in each other rather than the worst. Thank you for being so honest in sharing your story!

    Blessings!
    Alyssa
    Alyssa J Howard recently posted…Surrendering My To-Do ListMy Profile

  39. This is so wise!
    Early on in our marriage, my husband and I started using a short question to accomplish this, and we use it even today. If one of us is quiet or seems out of sorts, the other asks, “Are we ok?”
    Simple, but it has become a code for us that the other is assuming we’ve got a problem — fortunately, most of the time we’re fine, but when we’re not, the question opens the door to resolution!
    Michele Morin recently posted…Finding Abundance in the Shadow of DeathMy Profile

  40. Lauren,
    I SO enjoyed reading this! My husband and I had the same problem, for we each had our insecurities and were unknowingly using this filter to process whatever the other said. We recognized what we were doing, too, and now try to assume the best of the other and realize it’s not “all about us.” What a wonderful difference! We’re laughing with each other again and are so happy we’re married. 🙂 Thank you for again for such a great post, and much love to you! Elizabeth

    • I’m so glad to know we’re not the only ones who struggle with this! It’s amazing what a huge impact our assumptions can have. So glad you all are continuing to fight for joy in your marriage! Thanks for stopping by!

  42. God has truly given you a gift to know how to speak about marriage. I have read countless blogs or websites about different marraige, but not one thing has come so close to saying everything I’m thinking. You do just that. So thank you for sharing your heart! Thank you!

    My anxiety ridden mind tends to always think the worst things too, and I too always tend to think that everything Stephen does is in response to me–because how can you not being thinking about me every moment of every day? In those moments where I choose not to take things personally all the time, to think of why Stephen may be doing what he’s doing outside of just my influence, it does let me give him grace in those moments. It also releases me of my burdens and feelings that I’ve done something wrong to make my husband react “wrong”.

    Love the advice to think the best of your spouse, and I will take it as a challenge to do the same in my own life.