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Overcoming Busyness: Why No Is Our New Favorite Word

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When we catch up with the people we know and share life with, the question “How are you guys doing?” is often met with one consistent answer: BUSY.  The people we love are working their you-know-what’s off at entry level jobs, going to school, and navigating the new waters of grownup relationships, marriages, and even the first few years of parenthood.  And in the midst of all that, they are getting oh so tired of asking the same questions over and over: When will we catch up? When will this season end?

This fall, our schedules have seemed a little fuller too and we’ve been feeling the crunch of busy.  Jordan is coaching high school cross-country, which means he leaves our house at 5:45 AM for morning practice and doesn’t usually get home until 5:45 PM.  Combine that with my pouring time into blogging, teaching, and experiencing all the ups and downs of growing a tiny human, and our days and lives have felt a lot busier these last few months.

Overcoming Busyness - How to choose our hearts and our relationships over our crazy schedules.

Overcoming Busyness: Finding The Roots

I know that sometimes busyness really does come in seasons, just like my first year in Kansas City where I was working full time, going to grad school, and planning a wedding, or in this season as we adjust to new jobs and our growing family.  Sometimes our schedules are beyond our control and we just have to do the best to work around them.

But other times I wonder if the busyness, the endless running from one thing to another, comes from somewhere deeper. For us and our friends, it seems to spring from one of these three places.

1) People Pleasing

This is the hardest one for me.  When someone asks me to hang out or help with something, I want to please them and make sure they think I’m awesome and helpful and oh so selfless (am I the only one?!).  I want to do coffee with everyone and respond to everyone’s emails and be everything for everyone I meet. I’m learning that sometimes it’s okay to say no to that coffee date or project or email, even if I have no good reason except that I want to be at home to rest, recharge, and spend time with my husband.  The people who know me and love me will value those boundaries that I set. And the people who don’t value those boundaries? Well, maybe it’s okay that I don’t give those people the gift of my time or my work quite yet.

2) Fear Of White Space

In so many ways, early adulthood is a season of loneliness.  Whether we are single or married,  coming home to an empty apartment can be a scary reminder of all the unknowns and uncertainty in our lives. In the quiet space of an empty house, we’re forced to face our own loneliness.  For my married friends, coming home at night sometimes means we’re forced to face the growing distance or tension between us and our spouse. White space in our schedules is scary because it opens the door to feelings and questions we don’t always want to face.  I wonder if sometimes we say yes to activities that fill our nights and weekends because we know as long as we’re moving and busy, we won’t have to face the loneliness, fear, or marital issues that slowly grow in our hearts.

3) Worries About The Future

Our generation is saddled with tens of thousands of dollars of student loans, lots of unemployment, and all sorts of fears about whether or not we’ll ever make it like our parents seemed to.  I’ll be honest: Jordan and I are SUPER blessed and lucky to not have student loans or debt (aside from a mortgage – yay for adulting), but the burden of that debt is like a physical weight on the shoulders of so many friends.   They work long hours and side jobs in an attempt to slowly chip away at the debt that weighs them down.  Sometimes this is just plain necessary, but other times, I wonder if little life changes could make paying off the debt a little easier.  This issue is so complex and I don’t want to oversimplify it, but I wonder if there are little lifestyle changes and sacrifices we could take to chip away at debt without missing out on our lives because we’re working so much.

The Art Of Saying No

We wrestle with all of those things I mentioned above, and over these last few years of marriage we’ve slowly been learning the art of saying no to activities, commitments, and people that fill up our schedules.  We’ve been learning that it is healthy and necessary to say no to things and people, even if they are great things we would love to be involved in.

We want to choose our hearts, our marriage, and our growing family over fear, people pleasing, and worry.  We want to fight for white space in our schedule so our hearts have room to grow and breathe, especially as we soak up our last months as “newlyweds” and prepare to enter a new season of parenthood.

So for now, we are saying no to some perfectly wonderful things that we very well might love doing.  I am closely evaluating my blogging commitments and walking away from some things that are taking my energy in unhealthy ways.  I’m trusting that God will use and grow this blog in His timing, even if I can’t participate in every blogging group or try every “guaranteed” method to grow it on my own.

Jordan is saying no to coaching track in the spring, even though we would love to have that extra income for all the baby expenses we know will pop up.  We’re trusting that having him home with me and baby after work in the first few months is more important than the little bit of extra income we’d get from having him work.

Together, we’re saying no to the idea that we have to stay late after school and work long hours to be good teachers, and are choosing to work as efficiently as we can during school hours and then leave everything behind us when we go home.  We’re trusting that our students will be okay if they wait one more day to get that test back and that we’ll be better teachers because of that the peaceful time we have at home.

The Real Prizes

Jordan (my husband) loves to say that there’s no prize for being the busiest, and that quote has defined our marriage these last few years. We want to live slowly and leave space for faith, marriage, and relationships to unfold.  We want to give God the space to work in our hearts and our lives instead of pointing to our full planners when we feel His nudging to choose the small, quiet moments over the next item on our to-do lists.

Overcoming Busyness And Saying No - How to choose our hearts and our relationships over our crazy schedules.

Because maybe the real prize isn’t handed out for being the busiest one with the most commitments, meetings, and bullet points on that to-do list.  Maybe the real winners are the ones who choose people over tasks, quiet nights over another commitment, and full hearts over full schedules.

Let’s be the boring people who choose quiet time with our families over busyness and success.  Let’s be the ones who live fully in the slow moments, because ultimately, those slow moments add up to make the whole of these beautiful, ordinary lives that we live.

So if you’re looking for me and my hubby in this season, I have a pretty good guess of where we’ll be.  We’ll be sitting on our couch, snuggling our puppy, and eating ice cream while another episode of Friday Night Lights plays (because YES, we are still watching, Netflix!).  We’ll be taking a walk through our neighborhood, wandering through Target, or sharing a meal with the people we love.

It will be ordinary and boring and oh so beautiful, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Overcoming Busyness - A Family Picture

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Comments

  2. You hit the nail on the head, Lauren! I love having things to do in my life, but down time is just as important! I also really value and agree with Jordan’s decision to not coach in the spring in order to stay home with you and the baby. Although money is always nice, it can never replace the time lost with family. And with you both being teachers with summers off, I am sure you can find a way to make that income up (:

  3. You are so right – it’s kind of sad now that I think of it that most people’s responses to how are you is ‘busy’! That’s not saying how you are at all actually. I try to keep my schedule free on the weekends especially to reserve it for family time; I rather say no to plans than feel overwhelmed with my schedule.
    Lindsay recently posted…October Fashion Challenge (part 2)My Profile

  6. This post is beyond perfect. I struggle with saying “no” to people but I will admit that I’m getting better with it. I’ve come to realize that there are more (selfish) benefits in saying No and having more time for myself than following up on so many commitments.
    Chelsea recently posted…How to Throw a No-Stress Halloween PartyMy Profile

  7. For sure, friend!

    And the older I get, the easier it is to say ‘no thanks!’ without a single twinge of guilt or panic or shame or whatever.

    ‘Cause I know what yeses I need to keep my cup full and overflowing …

    Great stuff, Lauren ..
    Linda Stoll recently posted…morning invitations * homeMy Profile

  10. Amen! One saying I come back to over and over is: “You might have to say no to good things in order to say yes to great things.” The challenging part can be identifying and staying committed to your “great things.” And then also knowing that the great things may change over time and allowing space for that. Sort of like the “on the beam/off the beam” concept in For The Love. 🙂 Great post!

  14. I’ve been making intentionally saying no more of a priority lately. I’m also keeping my mind and schedule open for the intentional yeses the Lord may be calling me to. It’s nice to find a balance, and let myself say no simply for the reason of scheduled rest. Thanks for sharing!
    Kelsie recently posted…Venice in Two Days: The Travel GuideMy Profile

  16. This was inspiring, Lauren! I have struggled with “people pleasing” and slowly but surely I’m learning how to say no and to prioritize my life. Life is still busy but my family’s happiness is truly at the center of my heart and a “busy” life is not always a happy life!
    Erin recently posted…Fall Things To Do: Fall FestivalMy Profile

  17. Good for you for figuring this out so soon! Somehow I used to believe that the only way I could take a break was when I got sick from exhaustion or low immunity. Now it is so much better to work at 80% so that when important things come up I can be there and be able o take care of them.

  18. I say no all the time! I like having my down time, and I spend a lot of time just being lazy these days with my husband. We’re soaking in lazy quiet time before our baby is born because it’s what I love the most! I used to feel the need to work all the time (and I have NO debt- well, other than my mortgage now) but lately have been totally fine with passing up extra pay because I just don’t have it in me to wear myself out! I’m tired enough growing this baby!
    Liz recently posted…Lacking Energy (thanks baby), Wedding Dress Shopping, & Birthdays!My Profile

  19. Oh my gosh, I can totally relate to this! Dave and I are notorious for over-scheduling ourselves. He has a crazy job and I have a job AND a blog, so we spend a lot of time working. On top of that, we also give almost all of our weekends away to visiting family/friends, doing activities, etc. Sometimes we just hit a wall and the only thing that can fix it is a weekend with ZERO plans in our own home. That’s the one thing I like about winter. Once the holidays are over, we stick close to home for a couple of months until it warms up.
    Erin @ Very Erin recently posted…12 Perks of Growing Up in a Small TownMy Profile

  21. I mastered this after college when I found that I was straight up burnt out. I learned that, because I am such an introvert, my relax time is sacred. I still struggle sometimes with the guilt of saying “No,” but I’m happy with the change it has made in my life!

  23. Love this! In fact, I have an upcoming post that is very, very similar in nature, so don’t be surprised when you see it – haha! But yes, we too are trying to balance these things and figure out the balance of saying no. It’s about being intentional with your time and choosing to spend your time on the things and people that really matter most to you. And yes, the people pleasing aspect is soooo hard. I am with you there for sure!
    Joy recently posted…When Advice Forgets to RelateMy Profile

  24. I’ve been learning to say no as well this year. In the past I’ve always felt like I needed to give an excuse as to why I couldn’t (of didn’t want to) do something, but I’ve learned that it’s totally fine to just say no without a follow up. You have to prioritize your life and make sure that you’re giving your attention to the things that matter most to you.
    Rebekah recently posted…How my miscarriage strengthened my faithMy Profile

  25. This is such a great reminder and kudos to you guys for being willing to fight for down time. It definitely takes intention and becomes increasingly difficult as your family grows and children age, but the underlying commitment to making this foundational for your family will go a long way in helping you make The Best Yes (great book by the way! ;)) Thanks for the encouragement!
    Katie recently posted…No Shame Here: The freedom in learning to laugh at yourselfMy Profile

  28. You are speaking straight to my heart with this post, Lauren!! Some things feel easy to say no to, but I find that life really gets busy when there is too much “good stuff,” if that makes sense. I don’t want to say no to the things I really want to be a part of and do and enjoy. Saying no to my blog for the next few months was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve made recently, but I am trusting that 1) my world will not end, 2) I’ll feel more recharged by filling that time with other things right now (resting, reading, journaling), 3) my readers will welcome me back when I return. I love how you say that you need to trust that whatever the “consequence”/effect of your no is, that it will still be okay.
    Brittany Bergman recently posted…Practicing What I Preach + A Blogging Maternity LeaveMy Profile

    • You are one of my favorite people when it comes to this idea! I’m so impressed by how you’re trusting God with your blog and your heart in this season as you wait for your baby girl. I know it will be so good for your family and God will use that time for good! I will definitely do something similar when our time comes! That “no” is so worth saying “yes” to our little ones 🙂
      Lauren recently posted…Five Tips For Living In An Introvert-Extrovert MarriageMy Profile

  30. Love this post! I used to struggle with this a lot back in high school, but now I don’t have any issue saying no. My husband is constantly working on it. It’s hard because he has such a servant’s heart!
    Summer @ Coffee With Summer recently posted…Julep MavenMy Profile

  31. Yes yes yes! My biggest problem is also people pleasing but I dip in to the others some too. My biggest time waster is my blog and I’ve been feeling overwhelmed. But I think it’s time to slow that way down. Thanks for writing this. I really needed to hear it!
    Charlene recently posted…Fear Not, For I am With YouMy Profile

  32. About a year ago I heard this quote by Eugene Peterson read on the radio: “I am busy because I am vain. I want to appear important. Significant. What better way than to be busy? The incredible hours, the crowded schedule, and the heavy demands on my time are proof to myself – and to all who will notice – that I am important… busyness is the enemy of spirituality… It’s filling our time with our own actions instead of paying attention to God’s actions.” It truly rocked my world; ever since then I’ve blogged a little bit about not being busy and keeping a balance in life. It’s definitely hard and in a lot of ways feels counter-cultural but has been so good for my own health and marriage. I couldn’t agree more about your reasons of why we feel pressured to be busy- so wise and perceptive. I also read “The Best Yes” which i highly recommend to pretty much anyone because it speaks directly to this and has been so good as I learn to prioritize things.
    Sarah J recently posted…Self-Care: Where to StartMy Profile

    • Wow, how powerful is that? I completely agree. Sometimes the busyness comes from a desire to feel like we’re doing important things and are needed and valued by people. It’s so hard to let that go and trust that we are already loved and valued no matter what! Thanks for that thoughtful comment, Sarah. You’re the second person to suggest The Best Yes so I apparently need to check it out 🙂
      Lauren recently posted…Womanly Wednesday: A Guest Post On Anxiety And DepressionMy Profile

  33. Learning to say no is definitely a skill that you have to grow in. Often times I am begging my husband to say no to more things. He loves to serve others and never can say no. But it gets tiring and he’s not home much! The last year has gotten better but it is definitely an art. People pleasing is huge, I’m so glad you listed that first.
    Anastasia recently posted…Why We Don’t Celebrate HalloweenMy Profile

  34. I’m having to learn this recently, and really honestly ties a lot into your Introvert-Extrovert marriage (because we are that to a tee, I being the introvert). I have to learn to be okay to say “no” to things, like you said, even if I really want to do them. I’m having to learn to protect my energy, mental state, and relationship with God and husband by declining things from time to time.

    There’s this deep personal guilt that comes from not agreeing to do something. I’m disappointing people. I’m letting them down. I’m showing them I don’t want to be friends. I’m showing them I don’t care.

    Recently I realized I had been saying “no” to someone for months now, not even verbally, but through my actions because I literally had no time to ever say “yes” to anything they might want to do or I might want to do. When they finally asked why we had yet to hang out, and that they didn’t mean for it to be 4 or 5 months until we hung out again, I replied with “I have not had a single weekend free to do anything since we last hung out”. Which was very much the truth.

    That’s when I started realizing I’m too busy.

    Okay I’m rambling. Thank you. Quite a few of your blog posts have spoken to me on such a deep level in this area. Being okay to be an introvert. Being okay to say no to things. Being okay to be me, but also push myself to make sure I’m still making this life about serving the one true King. Thank you.