My heart for this blog is that it be a place of Sobremesa, a place where we can share the joyful, the real, and the hard. This story is one of the hard ones (and like most hard stories, it is ultimately a story of hope). Thanks for joining me at the table.
A few of my Young Life girls
My years in college were life-changing. I met women whose friendships taught me how to be loved and to love the sisters in my life, and whose daily encouragement got me through the many ups and downs of those years. I led Young Life for four years, and pursuing high school students wrecked me in the best of ways. At any given moment I felt like I could point to three or four things I felt like God was teaching me in that season. I cried more, laughed more, and grew more in my four years of college than any other season I can remember. It was incredibly hard, but incredibly good, and I wouldn’t trade those years for anything.
After a whirlwind summer living in Panama post-graduation, I moved to Kansas City and jumped right into my new “grownup” life there. I started working at a middle school during the day, taking grad classes several nights a week, and spending any free time learning to live in the same city as my formerly long-distance boyfriend. But even in the newness and excitement of a job, getting married, and settling into a life with my new husband, I longed for more. Where college had been a series of ups and downs, my new grownup life just felt…routine. I started to feel a growing indifference to spending time with God, and that indifference gradually became a bitterness and resentment that He had walked away from me, that he had stopped pursuing me the way He did in college.
I longed for more, for intimacy and fullness and joy, but my life felt routine and God seemed a million miles away. I longed to feel like I was making a difference, that who I was mattered in some bigger story. The intimacy I had experienced with God during college dwindled, and a growing bitterness and disappointment in Him took its place. I found myself crying in my car as I drove to work, unable to shake the heavy feelings of longing and emptiness. My mind would spin and spin until I had convinced myself that I would never experience fullness or freedom from shame, that my life and my story would never be what I longed for them to be. I kept teaching, kept going to church, and kept spending time with the people I love, but a current of sadness ran underneath it all.
On top of the fear and longing, I felt a deep sense of shame, a sense that all of the hurt and sadness was somehow my fault. If I could somehow be less emotional, less needy, less sensitive, if I could somehow just be LESS, I wouldn’t be where I was or feel what I felt. I had a good family, a great job, a loving husband, and absolutely no reason to feel so sad or lost or alone. The voices of shame told me that the things I felt were my own fault because something was deeply, inherently wrong with me, and there was no hope for the feelings to ever go away or get better. I felt terrified and hopeless that things would never get better, that my heart would never feel “normal” again.
Although Jordan and I had many conversations about everything I was feeling during that year, it all came to a head one Friday night. Jordan had plans to hang out with a few guy friends that night. My sadness and loneliness had a wildness, a desperate edge to them, and I started crying on the couch as Jordan prepared to leave. I still don’t know how to describe what I felt in that moment…it was like a giant, heavy weight of darkness, sadness, and shame hung above my shoulders, and I felt like if I gave in to the sadness I would be crushed under the weight of it, like I would start crying and never be able to stop.
Jordan sat down on the couch with me, and held me as I cried and cried and cried until my eyes ached and I felt empty. For the first time, I put words to what I had been feeling for months: I thought I was wrestling with depression. I told him that the weight of my emotions had become too much for me to carry, that I didn’t feel like myself, that something in my heart felt wrong and I was so scared we’d never figure out how to fix it.
Over that next week, we began to talk about how to move forward, and decided I needed to meet with a counselor. My insecurities ran deep, and I thought that knowing it was somebody’s job to listen to me would make me feel more free to take up their time, to share the emotions and fears I was so embarrassed about. As I met with the counselor and eventually both Jordan and I met with her, I began to process the undercurrent of shame and sadness and fear that had been woven into my heart for many, many years. We traced back the trails of hopelessness and shame to figure out where this season had stemmed from.
Through counseling, I was able piece together a narrative of how I came to this season of depression and to look into the future and see that there was a way out of it. Over those few months of meeting with my counselor, I started to recognize the voices of shame as lies, a process I am practicing daily and hope to explain more on the blog in the next few months. For the first time since I graduated college, I am starting to trust once again the truths that God sings over me: I am known, I am loved, and I am worth fighting for.
Friends, my heart in sharing this story is this: it took months and months of wrestling with depression for me to admit that something was wrong. I felt crippled by shame and believed that my heart and my emotions were not worth listening to or fighting for. I felt embarrassed to say I was struggling when I had known plenty of people who had struggled with much more severe depression, although I’m learning now that comparing our pain with those around us very rarely leads to healing.
I am here to say with everything in me: Your heart and your emotions matter. I don’t care what your childhood looked like, what place you find yourself in now, or what has led you to be in that place. Your sadness, your pain, and your hurt speak something deep and beautiful about your soul, and I pray that you will listen to them. I pray that you won’t let the voices of shame prevent you from reaching out, from sharing your hurt, from admitting that the feelings you’re wrestling with are so much bigger than something you can move on from or get over by simply trying hard enough.
Whether it is with a mentor or a licensed counselor, seeking counseling is one of the bravest things you can do for yourself and for the people who love you. When you reach out to a counselor, you say to yourself and to the world, “I matter, and my heart is worth fighting for.”
For the first time in a while, I am learning to believe that truth about myself. I am learning to believe that although my emotions are not always “true,” they can lead me into my own heart and into God’s heart, and they are worth listening to. I am learning to claim the truth that I am valuable, that the fact that I feel deeply and long for more is not a sign that something is broken, but rather a sign that I desperately need the only One who can tenderly hold my heart and fulfill my longings.
Our hearts have stories to tell, stories of love and longing and hope fulfilled. I pray that today and all the tomorrows that follow it, we will bravely believe that those stories are worth listening to and fighting for.
If you have any questions or would like to hear more about my journey with depression and counseling, please contact me via any of the social media links below. I’d love to learn more about your story! To sign up to get email updates with new posts, click here. To follow the blog and get post updates on Facebook, click here.
Thank you so much for sharing this! We need to be able to talk about our struggles because being afraid to do so keeps us from finding out where the lies and misunderstandings have come from in our lives. Love you, and have shared many of the same struggles, but knowing that I am loved by God and that God is always with me helps a lot.
I am just beginning to realize that we probably ALL need to speak with a Christian counselor. I know I want to be healthy-physically and emotionally! Thank you for speaking up about this important topic.
Thanks, Susan! I agree…it is SO healthy, and I think it’s useful for everyone no matter where they are in their lives or marriages. Thanks for reading!
Lauren, I am thankful for my time in therapy. I think it’s awesome that you are doing the necessary work now in the first years of your marriage. I taught high school while I was going to grad school, so your story really resonated with me. I had to learn to slow down and give myself breathing room. Busy is not always better.
I am so glad that I connected with you through Joan’s linkup today. I love the name of your blog. My great-grandfather was a Spaniard. 🙂
Thanks, Lyli! I totally agree. Counseling was such a good reminder to slow down and dig into our hearts and relationship, instead of just falling into the pattern of business.
And I’m glad to meet someone with some Spanish background! The idea of Sobremesa is the best. Now if only we could sit and eat some yummy Spanish tapas! 🙂
Lauren, I pray your honest words lead to more people saying, “I matter, and my heart is worth fighting for.” Your bravery inspires me. Thank you, Lauren, for sharing your heart at #IntentionalTuesday on Intentionally Pursuing. : )
Crystal Storms recently posted…Intentional Tuesday Linkup {Week 22}
Thanks for that encouragement, Crystal! I really appreciate it and am so glad to hear you connected. I’m excited to keep following your blog and hearing more of your thoughts!
Thank you so much for sharing your heart:) For some reason I think a lot of Christians associate Counseling with weakness….but it is definitely the opposite! It is so important for people to be transparent with their struggles- it helps others who are struggling. Thank you for being brave enough to share your struggles with your readers and for being an encouragement!
Thanks, Jessie. I agree…or people think that to seek counseling you have to have something “wrong” with you and be totally falling apart (which I kinda was, but you know what I mean!). I’m learning that counseling can be a good decision no matter where your heart is!
Lauren recently posted…Learning To Love My Husband’s Hobbies
Scrolling through the comments as I was headed down the page to leave my own, I see your name Jesse. Now, why am I not surprised to find two of my new favorite 20-somethings on the same page? You both are on my heart lately and since my email hasn’t dinged with a new post from you recently, just thought I’d let you know you are often in my prayers … for unknown reasons, but God knows.
Hugs online!
Christi recently posted…Lost, but Found ~ The story of Aaron Rose
Thanks Christi AND Jessie! I’m excited to have gotten to “meet” you both via the blogworld these last few weeks!
Lauren, your transparency will speak to many. To know that God says, “you matter and you are worth fighting for” is huge. Thank you. So glad to find you today from Coffee for Your Heart.
Lisa Appelo @TrueandFaithful.net recently posted…Valuing the Now when my Heart Wants to Rewind
I agree! Knowing the truth that my heart matters deeply to the Lord has been huge for me. Thanks for reading!
Lauren recently posted…Learning To Love My Husband’s Hobbies
Shine on!
The only counselors I know of are the school ones and they make life so, so stressful. Pretty much the only solutions are “how about you drop the class. There is nothing wrong with being in high school for five years” and “I think you need to be in an institution, honey”. No support anywhere and just look at the suicide rates— I do think we need Christian counselors in schools!
The pastoral counselor in me says yes, yes to what you’ve penned, Lauren. So wise, so courageous, so strong. May your heart-words encourage others to find the healing that God longs for us to experience!
Linda@Creekside recently posted…The Sheer Joy of Kindred Spirit Companionship
Thanks, Linda! I think just about everyone could benefit from some counseling every once in a while!
How beautifully you share the hard journey you’ve traveled. I have found myself on a similar path and God used counseling to show me many of the same truths that you state so clearly. Thank you:).
Thanks, Ginger! I wish everyone could get counseling every once in a while. I have a feeling our world would be a lot more peaceful!
That weight really is crushing. I am so glad you sought help and have the support of your husband!
I know people are reading this and it is just what they needed!
I agree, Sarah! It can be such a heavy thing. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Hi Lauren. Depression is a heavy thing. I’m thanking God that you are out from underneath its burdensome weight. You were wise to speak up, to reach out. So wise. And I must say, there is a true sweetness in your post, a beautiful, innocent fragrance of Christ. Truly enjoyed visiting here via #DancewithJesus. Oh, and this —> “I am known, I am loved, and I am worth fighting for. ” Yes and amen!
Kristi recently posted…Iron Sharpening Friendships
Thanks, Kristi. I appreciate your sweet words! It is wonderful to be finding freedom and healing through the help of a counselor, that’s for sure. Thanks for stopping by!
I’m visiting from #LiveFreeThursday. ” I am learning to claim the truth that I am valuable, that the fact that I feel deeply and long for more is not a sign that something is broken, but rather a sign that I desperately need the only One who can tenderly hold my heart and fulfill my longings.” This is beautiful! Thank you for sharing your story. It’s so easy for those lies to slip in to shame us and pour on the guilt. We need to remember that we are beloved daughters of God. He loves us more than we realize and is always with us.
Thanks, Gayl! I appreciate your encouragement and sweet words. It’s so good to know we’re loved, isn’t it? 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!
Such a beautiful story of hope and freedom in Christ! Thank you for sharing from the utmost raw places of your heart… gorgeous!
Thanks, Crystal! I appreciate that encouragement. 🙂
Lauren, this is an amazing gift you have placed out there for others who have or are experiencing this struggle. The raw honesty coupled with a gift and talent to express with flow and courage is a beautiful thing. The more I get to know you, the more it’s like layers are revealed of why you exude such grace – even “just” online.
I am adding it to my list to share with others. This is too good not to keep to myself.
Christi
Christi recently posted…Lost, but Found ~ The story of Aaron Rose
Wow, thank you for those sweet encouraging words! I am so encouraged and inspired by how you’ve supported me in blogging just this last week! Grateful for you (and stole an image off your blog to give you a shoutout in my post today.) I hope you don’t mind!
Lauren recently posted…Five On Friday: Summer Celebrations and Car Troubles
You are wise beyond your years Lauren! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It brought back so many memories for me of our first year of marriage in a new city, new job, new life. I didn’t go to counseling until years later. I believe your courage to share this will help someone get help. Many blessings to you!
Deb+Wolf recently posted…This Is The Perfect Day to Begin Again
Thank you for your sweet words of encouragement, Deb! I appreciate you hosting such a fun linkup and taking the time to stop by and comment. I hope you have a great rest of your week!