If you know my husband at all, you know Jordan is a man who loves to be outside.
Jordan has always been athletic, and in the last three years he started cycling and running pretty consistently. He loves being outside and loves how races are an outlet for his competitive spirit. He did his first marathon on two days notice when a friend dropped out, and even with the disgusting blisters and super-sore muscles, he was hooked. Since then, he’s competed in a variety of half-marathons, marathons, and now is starting to do triathlons as well. He did his first Half Ironman last September and is training for another one in Boulder in a few weeks. And if you follow him or me on Instagram at all….you’ve probably seen that our weekends have been pretty full of races these last few months.
We’ve spent many a Saturday and Sunday morning waking up at ungodly hours to load the car with bike stuff (and maybe a sleepy puppy) before heading out to different races. He’s probably more critical of his own performance than I am…but y’all, this man is FAST. I’m talking run a marathon in just over 3 hours fast. He kicks some butt, and it makes me so proud to see how hard he works to get his body in shape for these races.
I wish I could say that I’ve always been supportive of his races and cycling/running hobbies. But if I’m totally honest, for much of our relationship it has been the opposite. I resented the time he spent riding and running and felt like it took away time I wished he would spend with me. I am a penny-pincher, and bikes and racing gear are not cheap, so I resented the money he spent on equipment and races. I love me some sleep on Saturday mornings, and resented him for making me wake up at 4:30 AM to go sit on the side of a road while he ran.
Supportive wife of the year, I know.
And since I am the perfect example of effective communication and conflict resolution, I never actually talked to him about this. Instead, I just let him know how unhappy I was through passive aggressive comments about how early I was having to wake up, making him explain a million times why he really did need to buy that other pair of Spandex, and sometimes finding excuses to just not show up to races at all.
Over this past year, I’ve been realizing how hurtful that was to him. Jordan loves racing and being active, and the time and effort he puts into eating healthy, training, and documenting his training are incredible. He is so passionate about this and is more disciplined in this area than I am in anything. Racing is a huge part of his heart, and the training and competing process is something that makes him more of who he is.
Kansas City Triathlon (May 2015)
As we started to work through this issue and other issues in marriage counseling, I realized that my rejecting and not supporting something that Jordan loved was a much deeper issue. When I don’t support Jordan in this hobby that he loves, he feels like I don’t value the things he values, and ultimately, don’t value him. When I doubt the choices he makes to spend time training, he feels like I don’t see or value the many ways he does choose me and our marriage. When I nag him about the money we are spending on races and gear, he feels like I don’t trust his purchases or his desire to ensure we have money for what our family needs. [Okay, he’s a guy and might not verbalize all these things so clearly….but they were at the root of many of our conversations.]
I know there is a balance, and expressing my concerns and desires about how we spend our time and money is an important part of our marriage. As wives, it’s important that we be open with the things we are feeling and express our concerns about practical matters with money, time, and hobbies. But in my constantly doubting Jordan and belittling the things he loves, I crossed a line and made Jordan feel like I didn’t trust him, like I didn’t see and value all the ways he chooses and loves me. Instead, he felt like I only saw the times he chose to ride or run, and he felt like he was failing me because of that.
After a few hard conversations with Jordan, I am slowly coming to a conclusion: sometimes supporting Jordan’s hobbies will involve sacrifice on my part. (It took me two years to come to this very basic conclusion about marriage, folks. You’re welcome.) Sometimes it looks like driving 8 hours together to sit by myself while he competes and then cheer him on at the finish line when he finally does cross. Sometimes it looks like letting go of total control of our finances and trusting that if Jordan has reviewed our situation and sees a purchase as important, I can trust him in that. Sometimes it looks like intentionally asking questions about his run or ride or training plan, even if I can’t tell a Fixie from a Tri-bike from Zipp tires (See all the things I’m learning now?!). Most of the time, it just looks like showing up to the races no matter how far the drive, how early the alarm, or how boring my time spent while he competes.
I’m learning that my husband choosing to pursue his hobbies doesn’t mean he isn’t choosing me. And my showing up to his races over and over is one of the best ways I can choose him.
We each have unique gifts, passions, and callings, and when we become one in marriage, it becomes our roles to support and encourage each other in the things we love (even when it involves losing some sleep). If I can support and trust Jordan’s passions and decisions related to racing, he is empowered to love and support me in the things I am learning to love (like blogging!). When I show up again and again to be with Jordan before, during, and after races, it communicates my support and encouragement more than a text or note ever could.
I make no promises that I won’t complain occasionally about another 4:30 AM wake up call on race day, but I can say this: Watching my husband (literally) run after something he loves, watching him train his body and his mind to accomplish incredible things, is worth the lost sleep. I’m proud of who Jordan is, from his compassion and leadership to his super fast running skills, and I’m learning to finally let my actions show that.
I’m also learning that if we love our husbands well enough, if we keep showing up no matter what, then sometimes God rewards us with the ultimate gift: ridiculous, hilarious finish-line pictures that we can forever use to mock them. You’re welcome, blog world, you are SO very welcome.
Does your spouse or significant other have a hobby they pour lots of time and energy into? Have you found it hard to love and encourage this hobby like I did?
Funny, sweet friend, how similar we are as wives. I have dealt with a very similar situation with Aaron and some of his hobbies (was actually planning a post on our shed and what it’s been teaching me ha)! Once again, thankful for your openness and the chance to do life with you, one Starbucks date at a time!
Kelsie Kleinmeyer recently posted…Bringing Beauty to the Backyard
Thanks, Kelsie! I bet you can totally relate with the time Aaron spends working on cars and such (although I suppose that at least generates a little income!). We’ll have to do another three hour coffee date soon! 🙂
Lauren, my husband has recently delved deeper into the world of cycling and purchased a new road bike and all that comes with that. And while I struggled initially to support the time he devoted to his new pursuit, I have seen how his hobby has increased his personal perseverance, self-discipline, and healthy habits.
Plus, he couldn’t be more supportive of my writing and encourages me daily. Thank you for reminding me to support him in whatever he pursues. : )
Crystal Storms recently posted…Intentional Tuesday Linkup {Week 22}
Haha then you can definitely relate! I agree with you…for my hubby the time he spends cycling and running are times for prayer, processing, and just resting (even if it seems like anything but resting to me!). It’s hard to let go of that time with him, but definitely important for his heart and ultimately for our marriage.
Lauren, it sounds like you definitely use the time well when Jordan is cycling, which true is good for his heart and the heart of your marriage too. : ) Thank you, Lauren, for sharing your heart at #IntentionalTuesday on Intentionally Pursuing. : )
Crystal Storms recently posted…Intentional Tuesday Linkup {Week 23}
Hi Lauren,
You visited my blog today so I’m popping over here to see you and what a lovely post! Your insight and humility to see things from your husband’s point of view and sharing your heart with us is so authentic! Your words are full of truth and even though I’m single, I’m going to tuck these wise words away since they can apply to any friendship or relationship. So nice to meet you!
Valerie Sisco recently posted…When You Feel Out of Place
Thanks, Valerie! I appreciate that, even though I’ve still got some work to do when it comes to this whole marriage business. It’s a lifelong journey, right? Nice to meet you too! Looking forward to reading more of your posts.
I think this is a fabulous post!!! You’re so honest and real and that’s what we wives need to be with each other in order to grow! I”ve been learning a similar lesson with my Hubby! He likes activities that I have absolutely no interest in, but I know that I have to be supportive and show some kind of interest! And you’re right, it does involve sacrifice! And Hubby can sit and listen to me while I go on about blogging, then I can play an XBox game with him! 🙂 Loved this post! Thanks for sharing your heart!
Danielle recently posted…5 Things Successful Bloggers Do Every Day!
Thanks, Danielle! I’ve definitely learned a lot these last few years about what it looks like to love my husband, and it gets more and more fun the more I learn. Thanks for stopping by! 🙂
What a wonderful testimony of moving toward your husband in love. I’m the “perfect example of effective communication and conflict resolution”, too! HAHA But what an important lesson we all must learn: “I’m learning that my husband choosing to pursue his hobbies doesn’t mean he isn’t choosing me. ” What a lesson in humility, self-sacrifice, and the true source of joy. You are a great writer. Thanks for sharing your journey here.
Karen Brown recently posted…In Defense of the Helicopter Parent
Thanks, Karen! 🙂 It has definitely been a journey but I learn a little more each day! Thanks for the encouragement!
Wow, I can relate to this! My husband isn’t a runner, but he loves sports and I spent many years resenting the time and money he was putting into his hobbies. I am a saver and he is a spender so his spending on his hobby just aggravated me even more. You offer great advice here!
Stephanie recently posted…Ways to Save on a Disney World Vacation
We are exactly the same! I’m the saver and it’s so hard to let go and trust that things will be okay even if we spend that little (or big!) bit of money. Thanks for stopping by! 🙂
My husband and I both enjoy doing road races. I can see how it would be easy to be resentful if I was not also into it. I can totally see it happening to me, as I almost have a “only running races” rule (it’s not really a rule…just my opinion) as they are much cheaper gear-wise than getting into biking and other sports!
I am happy that you are able to enjoy it and be a part of the races. I am sure he loves to go to the races with you at his side! Make sure you get a stellar cup of coffee to help you make it through the early mornings!
A marathon on 2 days notice?!? Yikes. 🙂
Visiting from women with intention.
Emily recently posted…Morning Wakeup Plan, Morning Breakfast Recipe & Linkup
Ha well you probably have a better perspective than I do then! It’s definitely been a journey to learn to support him, but I’m actually starting to have fun and enjoy his races now that some of the resentment is gone. Who woulda thunk? 🙂 And you better believe coffee plays a BIG role in my positive attitude. I’m all about it! Thanks for stopping by, Emily!
You make so many great points in this post. Like your husband, my husband is also very athletic. I have reacted the same when he signs up for races and trains for them. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and new-found wisdom on the subject. My husband has asked me for years to get involved in some of the outdoor fun with him but I’m usually not as eager. I liked reading the points of view from both of you as it has opened my eyes to how he feels and how I should go about it all. Thanks!
Carrie recently posted…Finding the Joy in Trials
Thanks for reading, Carrie! It is definitely a struggle, and I’m not all that eager to start training and doing the races like my husband does. I have to be a little more creative in how I support him (usually it involves a big cup of coffee and lots of obnoxious cheering!). Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Lauren, we meet again! I’m your neighbor on R&R this week! Anyhoo, YES, I totally get where you’re coming from on this, and YES I also support your choice to support hubs on this. I’ve been married a long time, and during that time I learned to accept a husband who hunts. He grew up hunting with his family, I knew it going in, but every year in WV, deer season opens on my birthday. We had a few rows about that. Eventually, I came to accept it, and eventually, we worked out a compromise. He has always been supportive of me, and I’ve learned to support him in not only that way, but his career choices as well ( several jobs, always for the better – he’s a visionary, I finally learned). Each couple has a LOT to work through. And every couple’s problems look different.
Hang in there and keep on with your husband support!
Thanks for stopping by again, Ruthie! I can totally see how that would be hard…my husband did a triathlon on my birthday weekend this year, and I definitely wasn’t as supporting and encouraging as I could have been for that one. 🙂 I agree with you, the idea of supporting our husbands in their pursuits extends far beyond just their hobbies! Thanks for reading and commenting, Ruthie!
Visiting from women with intention.
that has to be incredibly tough adjusting to life with a runner! He’s very dedicated. I’m glad you realized what effect your actions had on him. I don’t think I would have realized it either without some outside help. You are a wonderful wife!
liz @ sundays with sophie
Liz Joiner recently posted…interview with the mister
It hasn’t been too bad…I’m sure lots of women have husbands with different hobbies they have to get used to! Mine just happens to involve some early mornings! I am glad to be able to love my husband in this way now, but it took me a while to get there. 🙂
Lauren,
I am a runner and have a hope to train and run 1/2 marathon, marathon and a triathalon some day….and even if someday never happens, my love for running has passed on to my son. He will go farther than I have and it is great to have a partner in the journey.
My husband, like you, doesn’t share my passion, especially when I hurt myself and have to work hard to get back to normal. But, he has given me grace and it has been such a growth builder in our marriage, because it is a 2-way street. Way to go in supporting him. God will bless you.in that. 😉
Blessings,
Dawn
Dawn recently posted…An Invitation of Grace
Thanks, Dawn! It is fun to hear it from the perspective of a wife who does all the races and such. I’m so glad you and your husband have been able to come to a good balance with it all. That’s encouraging! Thanks for stopping by!
My husband loves tennis and is on multiple teams in our new neighborhood. I am working on not being resentful of all the time it takes from our family.
Sarah Donegan recently posted…Where is Your Security?
Sarah, I can totally see how that would be hard. It definitely is a perspective shift to try to see it in a good light, and probably even more so when you have kiddos! I hope y’all are able to find a good balance. Thanks for stopping by!
It’s so wonderful that you are committed to showing interest in what he loves! I’m sure that means a lot to him 🙂
Kelsey
http://www.thepeacockroost.com
Kelsey recently posted…Friday Favorites
I love that you shared this so openly, honestly, and vulnerably. Thank you. And I think most of us can say, me too, friend. Even after choosing to intentionally be supportive, I have to still remind myself when I want to sigh or eye roll. Even harder, is that my husband supports and champions all my hobbies. The least I could do is to love him in those same ways that mean so much to me.
Ashleu recently posted…The Summer of Adventure
Thanks for that encouragement! It definitely is an ongoing battle that I have NOT mastered, that’s for sure! I’m glad we have a whole lifetime (Lord willing) to work on this whole marriage deal! I just popped over to your blog and love the heart and vulnerability I see in your posts. Glad to have “met” you! 🙂
My husband spends a ton of money on hunting and all of the stuff that goes with it…..ammo, new guns, clothes, club fees, etc. We’ve been married almost a year so I’m learning to support him with his hobby. At least he doesn’t make me go with him!!!
MeetTheShaneyfelts
So true! We need to support our husband but it can be hard when we r not interested in what they are. After I married my husband he got into hunting. It was so hard for me to sound excited when I wasn’t. But I have found it means so much to him when I’m enthusiastic about what he is. I actually love running and racing but he doesn’t. It means so much to me when he show up for one of my races so I want to support him also
Thanks for the encouragement! Linking up with you at truth and grace:)
Rebekah harris recently posted…I lost my father… but I am not fatherless
I can totally see how hunting would be similar! Lots of expensive gear and time 🙂 It’s hard but you’re so right….it means the world to them just like it means a lot to me when Jordan supports me in the things I love (like this recent blogging adventure!). Thanks for stopping by, Rebekah!
Admiring your honesty and openness. Thank you, neighbor. Blessings to you both!
Mari-Anna Stalnacke recently posted…Do You Need More Faith?
Thanks for stopping by, Mari-Anna!
Brave of you to share what you have learned and how you have overcome this minor speed bump in your marriage with others! I am not yet married, but see the sacrifices that come with marriage in the lives of my friends. Thanks for modeling good marital sacrifice and communication for the marrieds and the unmarrieds!
Laura recently posted…Homosexuality and What it Means to Love Like Jesus
Thanks for your sweet words, Laura! Marriage is definitely challenging but oh so sweet. Thanks for stopping by! 🙂
I will be featuring you tomorrow for Women With Intention Wednesdays 🙂 Thank you for sharing an honest post that most of us wives can relate to! 🙂
Jenny @ Women With Intention recently posted…5 Motivational Quotes To Start The Week
Wow thanks, Jenny! That’s so exciting! 🙂
Thank you for your honest post. My husband’s “hobby” is going to school for Biblical Studies and it’s been a hard thing for me to get to the place where I am 100% behind him, cheering him on and supporting him, no holds barred. Your post was encouraging and God used it to remind me that I still am not doing as good as I should be at totally supporting my man. By God’s grace, I hope to grow in that!
Hope the Colorado race went well!
Lydia @ Thrifty Frugal Mom recently posted…Our $200/mo. Grocery Budget: What I Spent & Saved This Week (6/14-6/20)
Thanks for stopping by, Lydia! Schoolwork like that can be so time consuming, so I completely agree with you. I’m so glad you’re fighting the good fight to support our husbands in these things too. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Great insight! Thank you for sharing it. I have definitely been guilty of not supporting or understanding or liking my husband’s hobbies and interests!! Thanks for linking up to Works for Me Wednesday (and hello from another Kansas City blogger!)! 🙂
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect recently posted…WFMW: Our Indoor Swimming Pool
I hear ya…it’s so hard to support them sometimes! Thanks for stopping by…I always love “meeting” other KC bloggers! We’ll all have to plan a big get-together sometime. 🙂
Enjoyed your post! With me, it’s the opposite…..I’m the runner and my husband is not. Thanks for your transparency and insight. Found you on the link up at Missional Women
Lisa recently posted…At the Crack of Dawn
That’s awesome that you are a runner! I bet I could learn a lot from your perspective. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!
What I wouldn’t give to be taking turns at races, or finding a sitter to wait with our kids while we both run! My husband has had such health problems in the last few years that he hasn’t run at all for I don’t know how long. I will be back to running, myself, as soon as I’m 6 weeks post-partum. But- that’s me, not him. If I could have anything at all that i want, it would be to see him able to run regularly, and to run the 5k in my hometown next year’s 4th of July.
Katie, I am SO sorry to hear about your husband. That must be so hard to have him sick, both for you and your kiddos. I’ll be praying for his health and recovery and for yours! Thanks for commenting!
Excellent post. Good food for thought. 🙂
Bethany Lotulelei recently posted…How to Stop Water in Its Tracks {Plus my 7th Week of Pics!}
It’s all about the give and take afterall. I love reading and whoever would be my partner, would just have to accept my 4-5 hours reading marathons. Great post! 🙂
Aishwarya S recently posted…Birthday Celebration. (Monday Moments #25)
AW this is such a beautiful post. I love how you write about Jordan; I can tell that you just absolutely adore him. I’m so happy that you’ve come to see how important it is to support him and his hobbies. You write like you don’t think you are a good wife but I think you are an amazing wife.
Chelsea recently posted…5 Rituals Healthy Women Do Before Bedtime
Here is another good thing about your husband’s activities—he is fit and healthy and you are going to have him around for a long time <3
My husband's passions are salt water fish and guns 😉 I can get excited about the fish, not so much the guns. 🙂
My husband loves running, too, but you’re making me grateful he’s more of a middle-distance runner and goes in for 5Ks and 10Ks–he doesn’t have the patience for a marathon, and I probably don’t either, so that’s a good thing. I don’t run at all, but sometimes I”ll walk or bike “with” him on the circle that he runs, and say “Hi!” every time he passes. 😛
Rachel G recently posted…Moldy Things in My House Lately
My husband used to do a lot of races and I was secretly happy when he said he was over it. He just does Tough Mudder now. But he keeps saying he wants to get a bike and I cringe!
Jes @ Mommy Envy recently posted…Then and Now: A Shared Room for Kids
I wish I loved everything my husband does, but I don’t. I do however try and appreciate what he brings to the marriage. I don’t know that I could ever embrace getting up that early- you go girl!
Sarah Koves recently posted…Menu Monday 11/16
I loved this post.
I feel the same about my fiance’s hobbies.
This is definitely something I will keep in the back of my mind.
xoxo, Jenny
Jenny recently posted…Wedding Wednesday: Bridesmaid Boxes
I love this post, Lauren! Both I and my husband have hobbies that the other is not so interested in… and it can definitely cause conflict, especially when it’s expensive! I definitely could be more actively supportive of his hobbies. Thanks for this!
Shannon recently posted…7 Ways to #OptOutside on Black Friday
Thank up for being so honest about this area in your marriage. I have a real problem with spouses that “blow off” their significant other’s hobbies particularly as the years go on. Even in small areas such as watching an occasional football game or Meg Ryan movie. It does matter and to me the things my husband is passionate about i often find ways to enjoy it too.
Catherine Short recently posted…Styled | Thanksgiving Day
Thanks for the share. I wish i could hate my wife after reviewing these posts (didn’t go through all of them) which seemed positive (thumbs up to all of you for supporting). I too am a budding triathlete (I really LOVE IT) and really want to get a bike. My only bike is one that is about 20 years old and not very fast. I think the main difference in my situation is that the monetary sacrifice is more (based on what I read). I know we wouldn’t be incurring any debt but my family is very blessed and we have had some support so this bike purchase seems a bit frugal. I really think I could do well and I love the rush it is just this bike that will get me going. I want to make sure that I provide the best for my family and these funds could be used any other ways.
I guess this is what marriage is about but it really hurts (for now I hope).
My last point, wives your husbands really love you. Continue to trust your husbands and (continue to) cut them some slack on the spending ;-).
Thank you for this post. You sound like a wonderful wife. I’m newly married and I’ve been struggling with the same issues in this post. It’s encouraging to find someone who’s went through or going through similar things. I admire your persistence and effort to keep yourself and your marriage together. There must have been some tough times… My husband doesn’t train to the extent of marathons or triathlons yet, although he’s mentioned them, but even so I’m at a point where it’s been quite hard to keep inside. It doesn’t feel great that it’s about someone’s hobbies too, somehow that by default seems to make me a selfish person. So I always feel bad about feeling this way, but at the same time the disappointment and discouragement is still real, each time he goes out and comes back raving about what happened, makes the purchases…. I hope to work towards getting to that place where we’re able to talk honestly and build some balance as well. Thanks again.
Lauren,
Reading your posts about marriage and being the godly wife God created you to be have been such an encouragement to me. It seems we have very similar personalities (and struggles!), and reading your blog has helped me grow as a new bride to my wonderful husband. Thank you so much for your honesty and transparency!
I stumbled upon your blog while “falling down the rabbit hole” on the internet and reading many marriage strengthening posts. I want to say your post right here speaks directly to me (as did you Introvert-Extrovert Marriage blog post). In my marriage my husband is the extrovert who is in love with playing softball! Apparently, he played before we were married but had given it up before we met and then 6 years into our marriage he rediscovered this passion. It came as a huge shock for me and not something I embraced kindly. He often plays 2-3 nights a week and has stated he wants to start playing weekend tournaments around our state (we live in Texas so that’s one huge state). I have reacted with much kicking and screaming and tears. Not one of my finer responses. Now a year and a half later we are in marriage counseling and while I am constantly saying “it’s not about the softball” because to me it is about the time he chooses to spend away from me and our daughter he is saying “it isn’t about the softball” because to him it is about not supporting him in something he loves so much. Your post has really helped me to see it a bit from his perspective maybe about why my hatred of the time, money and energy expended on this “game” is causing serious harm to my marriage and my husband. Thank you. I have been in prayer lately that God will show me how to be a “better” wife and I do believe that both this post and the Introvert-Extrovert post I have stumbled upon today are an answer to that prayer. Again, thank you for writing such a wonderfully honest post.
Lena, I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to write this comment! This battle is so hard and I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s had to fight it. I’d say if you are reflecting so much about this issue and how to love your hubby well in the midst of it, you are absolutely on the right track! It’s amazing how God has shifted my heart on it over the years and how much more at peace I am now when Jordan has to go off and do his hobbies. I hope the same happens for y’all! Thanks for reading and leaving such a sweet, encouraging comment!
One of the biggest things that I think benefited our marriage, happened before we were even married. My father in law’s passion, while I dated his son, was cars! If you glanced in their backyard, you’d see anywhere between 20-30 vehicles. My mother in law has been questioned many times why she “lets Craig” continue this hobby. Her response has allowed me to stand by my husband as he too has a love for cars, and now even wants to begin his own business.
“My husband works hard to make sure that I can stay home with the kids. We have a very comfortable life. If my husband has an interest in something, I owe it to him to support him in that venture. Especially when his hobby doesn’t even require him to leave the house–he works in the yard all day on the cars! He could be out doing many other things that are more expensive, destructive, or takes him away from the family, but instead he’s home doing something he loves.”
It’s one of the biggest ways that my love is now demonstrated to my own husband. Every now and then I even go with him to car shows, travel across the country for the SEMA car industry show, and much more! In return it makes me pretty happy to see how much it means to him to have me doing things with him and supporting him.
Great tips & advice Lauren!