How I’m Finding Freedom From Shame (A Three-Step Process)

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”  

Brené Brown –The Gifts of Imperfection

The first time I remember feeling shame, that gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that something’s wrong with me, was in middle school.   I struggled in my relationships with girl friends, and remember one particular conversation with a girl friend who told me she didn’t want me around when the boy she liked was there because I was “too much,” and when I was my full self I was “obnoxious.”  I know that those words came out of a place of her own insecurity and fears, but they impacted me deeply.

I started to believe that who I am is obnoxious, that I needed to tone down my personality, my happiness, my intelligence, and myself in general to be liked and even loved by others.  I desperately sought attention from boys, believing that giving them my body and my heart was the only way to overcome my “obnoxious” personality and be “loved” the way I was longing for.  When I compromised my boundaries and values to make them happy, I felt an even deeper sense of disappointment and shame.

The Shame Cycle in our Marriage

This sense of shame that put down roots during high school continues to impact me now. God has grown and changed me in a multitude of ways, but still I see traces of shame in my relationships with friends now, in my job, and in my relationship with God.   When we got married, I found myself wrestling with shame on almost a daily basis.  Any time Jordan and I had a conflict or hard conversation, I felt an overwhelming sense of shame that any issues or brokenness in our marriage were my fault.  I was just too emotional, too sensitive, too much, not good enough, and would never be the wife I longed to be for him.

We walked away from many hard conversations that first year feeling hurt, confused, and like we were failing each other.   As the months went on, my feelings of shame got heavier and heavier.  I’d do whatever I could to try to be a “better” wife, friend, and lover.  We’d inevitably disappoint or hurt each other somehow (because we’re human).  I’d express it to Jordan, feel ashamed for my emotions and needs, and the cycle of shame would continue.

With each repetition of that cycle, I felt less confident in God’s ability to free us from it and trusted more in the voices of shame that told me this was my fault, and it would never get better.  I started to feel hopeless that we would see growth and change in this part of our marriage, and that hopelessness turned into a season of depression that led me to seek counseling last summer.  Something was broken with me and broken with our  marriage, and I was so scared that it would never get better.

Breaking the Shame Cycle: A Three-Step Process

It took my counselor less than 20 minutes into our first session to identify the emotion under much of my sadness and depression as shame.  As I worked with her to process the life experiences and perspectives that had grown my sense of shame, read books by wise women like Brené Brown who have studied shame extensively, and journaled and processed everything on a million lined journal pages, I started practicing a process that has finally been leading me out of the darkness of shame and into a place of hope.

When I feel lonely, hurt, or disappointed in something and the voices of shame feel overwhelming, I process my emotions with God in this way.  Going through this three-step process helps me to recognize I’m experiencing shame, and replace those feelings of shame with something more healing and helpful.

1. Express My Feelings: I write out what I’m feeling as honestly as I can, writing even the emotions that are scary to admit or express because they feel so big.
2. Point Out the Lies:  I reread what I wrote with a critical eye, and point out which things are lies.
3. Claim the Truth: I write out the truths I’ve learned to be true of myself and of God from Scripture, people I look up to, and my own experience.

Here is an example of what my journal entries look like when I find myself in this place of shame.  This might look different from your process if your experiences of shame aren’t connected to marriage, but this gives you a glimpse into the process in general.

1. Express My Feelings: I feel hurt that Jordan chose to hang out with friends instead of me tonight.  I feel like he has more fun with them than he does with me, that I’m not as fun or engaging of a wife as I want to be.   Jordan doesn’t want to spend time with me because I am not fun or funny or adventurous like his friends.  I’m not the wife he wants me to be, and I never will be.
2. Point out the Lies:  I am not boring or “unfun” to my husband.  I am not failing Jordan as a wife, and there is hope that our marriage will grow and we will learn to love each other better as the years go on.  
3. Claim the Truth: Jordan loves me and chooses me in different ways every day.  He chooses to love me when he does things around the kitchen, takes out our puppy, writes me sweet notes, prays for me, and asks me real questions.  He loves me and is committed to me, but he also needs time with friends to be a more whole, joyful person.  His occasionally choosing friends does not mean he is not choosing me.  And ultimately, Jordan’s actions and choices do not determine my worth or value as a person.  I am loved, chosen, and pursued by God.  He delights in me, sings over me, rejoices over me.  Even if I never learn to love Jordan “perfectly” or Jordan never loves me perfectly,  in God’s eyes I am loved and enough.  

Practicing this process of rejecting the lies and claiming God’s truths has started to heal and redeem the broken parts in my heart and in our marriage.   Writing out the first two steps helps me to identify where my hurt, disappointment, and shame are coming from, instead of focusing on what I feel in that given moment and reacting out of those feelings.  It helps me to take captive the thoughts of shame before they draw me down into a place of depression and hopelessness.  Claiming God’s truths in the last step helps me to quiet the voices of shame and replace them with God’s promises that I am known, loved, and valued.

Finding Freedom

I don’t know when you first experienced shame, that deep feeling in your belly that you’re not good enough and never will be, that there’s something wrong with you or different about you that means you’ll never get the fullness, joy, and love that everyone seems to find so freely.  I don’t know the people, experiences, and disappointments that have led you to believe you are too much or not enough.  But I have a pretty good feeling that you’ve wrestled with these feelings at some point.

This past year has taught me that naming my shame and figuring out its sources can be messy and challenging and painful. But friends, there is hope in the midst of our dark, hopeless places of shame, and that hope is absolutely worth the pain of uncovering it.

If you are wrestling with shame, my prayer is that you would value your heart enough to face it head on.  Express those feelings in a journal or with someone you trust, point out the lies, and claim the truth about who you are.  There is freedom to be found apart from the cycle of shame, and I hope deeply that you will take the time to fight for it.

I’m linking up at Imparting Grace, Soul Survival, Modest Mondays, What Joy Is Mine, The Beauty In His Grip, Teaching What Is Good, Tell It To Me Tuesdays, Testimony Tuesdays,Women With Intention, A Little R & R, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Coffee For Your Heart, Serving Joyfully, 3D Lessons 4 Life, Missional Women, Busy Being Blessed, and Simple Moments Stick.